God's will for marriages

[jebadoa]

I am currently fighting for my marriage. I was unfaithful, and my wife filed for divorce. I truly repented and am filled with Godly sorrow. I love my wife with all of my heart but she filed for divorce. I am going to try and win her back. I am getting as close to God as I can, and I am praying that he make me a Godly man and worthy of her acceptance. She is a strong Christian and we have two young children. I go to my bible often for comfort and guidance.
Here's what I want to know: is there any biblical support for the statement "God wants marriages to heal. He wants reconcilliation."

 

[aiki]

Here's what I want to know: is there any biblical support for the statement "God wants marriages to heal. He wants reconcilliation."

Absolutely! God does not want marriages - especially among His children - to break up. Here's some Scripture that explains:

Malachi 2:14-16
14 Yet you say, "For what reason?" Because the Lord has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth, With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant.
15 But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.
16 "For the Lord God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one's garment with violence," Says the Lord of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously."

God's fundamental attitude toward divorce is one of hatred. As the prophet Malachi states above, God hates divorce. Marriage is a covenant relationship, not a business contract. There are no backdoors or loopholes of escape from this covenant, which is made, not just with one's spouse, but before God and in accord with His law and design. There are no "deal breakers" in marriage because marriage is not a "deal" but a most profound promise of fidelity and self-sacrificing love upon which future generations of godly offspring depend.

Matthew 19:3-9
3 The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?"
4 And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,'
5 and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?
6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate."
7 They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?"
8 He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery."

Here Jesus explains that divorce is a concession to the hardness of the hearts of sinful, selfish people. Divorce is against God's original design for marriage. Christians like to use verse 9 as an escape clause, ignoring entirely what was said before it, but God's plan for marriage is that a man and woman become one flesh and they stay that way.

Ephesians 5:22-33
22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.
24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,
26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word,
27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.
28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.
29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.
30 For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones.
31 "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."
32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.
33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

Paul lays out here why marriage is so important to God. The marriage of a man and woman is to serve as a picture of the love between Christ and his Bride, the Church. When divorce occurs, it does violence to this picture and distorts what God intended to teach us through marriage about Christ's incredible, self-sacrificing love for his followers.

Selah.

 

[jebadoa]

Wow Selah, your post just made my day.

Do you think the verses apply even after adultry?

I just really need to know that God is fundamentally in my corner so that I can keep my hope that my marriage will be repaired.

 

[aiki]

Wow Selah, your post just made my day.

Do you think the verses apply even after adultry?

I just really need to know that God is fundamentally in my corner so that I can keep my hope that my marriage will be repaired.

God is absolutely in your corner! And, yes, even in the face of adultery God desires that you and your wife remain married to one another. How many times have we all "cheated" on God? Many, many times! Your wife, too, is guilty of infidelity toward her Saviour. Every time we sin, every time we compromise with the World, every time we are seduced by a lie of the devil, we are guilty of spiritual adultery. And yet, God deals with us graciously, lovingly, and patiently. If your wife is to honor her Heavenly Father, she must accord you the same forgiveness and love she has received from Him every time she has "cheated" on Him. Of course, that goes for you, too.

Selah.

 

[jebadoa]

Wow Selah, i just said a prayer thanking God for putting you on this board. You have such clarity. Thank you.

 

[ValleyGal]

God's ideal is always reconciliation. That is the whole ministry of the Lord Jesus: reconciliation with the Father through him. However, we do not live in an ideal world, and for this reason, God provided concessions for divorce. Not only that, but it is possible to reconcile a relationship without reconciling the marriage (I have a good relationship with my son's father, but we never repaired our marriage).

It is not your adultery which drove your wife to divorce. That may have been the final straw that broke the proverbial camel's back, but it is only a symptom of something much deeper. Why did you have an affair? There is something far deeper going on in the marriage that you are not disclosing.

I would suggest that God is no more in your corner here than he is in your wife's. She has every God-given right to divorce you, just as you have every God-given right to hope for reconciliation. I'm sure the situation breaks God's heart, but it is up to her whether she wants to reconcile the marriage.

My studies of divorce and marriage are much different than Aiki. God does not so much hate divorce as he hates sending a spouse away without the benefit of divorce (a study of language and interpretation reveals this). If God hated divorce so much, he would not have divorced Israel and pursued Judah for a time. No, God hates the state of permanent separation. He allows for divorce.

Since this is an advice forum, you might want to do a biblical study on divorce: www.divorcehope.com.

Also pray for your wife, that God will soften her heart and she will desire true reconciliation with you as a testament to the reconciliatory power of Jesus' ministry in her own life. Pray that the Spirit draws her to himself, and that she will seek him with all her heart. And pray for your children. Also, continue to seek God yourself, whether she reconciles or not.

 

[jebadoa]

I agree that ultimately, any attempt at reconcilliation will be up to my wife. Since we have freewill, God's will isn't always done. My question is whether the bible reveals God's position on spouses divorcing vs reconciling and staying together. I believe He does indeed want marriages to stay together and the relationship repaired with Him placed at the center. No relationship problem is bigger than Him (there's really no such thing as 'irreconcilable differences' when God is involved), but he will concede to our freewill if divorce is pursued.

 

[Goodbook]

Good post aiki.
Yes your wife must also forgive when you show her you want to be forgiven and you have changed. Have you seen the movie 'Fireproof' well it has a love dare maybe you could work on ways to show her you still want to be with her and love her.
The other book I've read that showed a marriage on the brink of divorce but God brought them back together was the singer Alan Jackson. His wife wrote the book of their marriage that had painful moments. Both are now serving the Lord together.

 

[Goodbook]

I know in the Bible God doesn't like divorce and says for men not to put away their wives nor seek another.
Adultery can hurt a woman more than a man it seems. That is why God allows divorce in such cases, as Jesus said peoples hearts are hard. A woman needs to know that the 'other woman' is totally out of the picture. But also, remember the woman caught in adultery, whom many recognises as Mary Magdalene? she was forgiven and not stoned. So it affects all parties. She must know it's wrong too.

 

[seashale76]

I know in the Bible God doesn't like divorce and says for men not to put away their wives nor seek another.
Adultery can hurt a woman more than a man it seems. That is why God allows divorce in such cases, as Jesus said peoples hearts are hard. A woman needs to know that the 'other woman' is totally out of the picture. But also, remember the woman caught in adultery, whom many recognises as Mary Magdalene? she was forgiven and not stoned. So it affects all parties. She must know it's wrong too.

The woman caught in adultery is not Mary Magdalene. You will find that nowhere in scripture- and it is not something believed by the Orthodox Church either. Mary Magdalene was healed from demon possession (had seven demons). She was the first witness to the Resurrection and told the Apostles. For that, we call her the Apostle to the Apostles.

 

[Emmy]

Dear jebadoa. God`s will for marriages is the same as God`s will for all of us. Jesus told us very clearly in
Matthew 22: 35-40: " The first and great Commandment is: Love God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. The second is like it: love thy neighbour as thyself." ( neighbour is all we know and all we meet, friends and not friends) Your wife is part of yourself, and you love her as you love yourself, treat her as you would love to be treated. God sees your loving efforts, and God will bless you. The Holy Spirit will help and guide you, and Jesus our Saviour will lead you all the way: JESUS IS THE WAY. Show your wife that you are ready to follow God`s Loving advice, and thank God with all your heart. Keep treating your wife as you would love to be treated. I say this with love, jebadoa, and shall pray for you. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

Mat 5:27-28 KJV
(27) Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:
(28) But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

most people don't realize that adultery occurs when one looks on another, who is not their spouse, with lust - even if they never act on that lust; i would bet that everyone is guilty of adultery by this definition - even unmarried people (because they potentially are lusting after someone's else's future spouse), so the first step is to receive your eternal forgiveness from God. guilt and condemnation are faith-stoppers, so don't allow yourself to languish in self-condemnation now that you've judged yourself and changed your heart intent to be faithful; receive your forgiveness from God once and for all and don't allow the devil to condemn you over this ever again - God doesn't remember your transgressions once you've received His free gift of forgiveness, unless you remind Him.

even if your wife divorces you, you can re-marry; don't let anything stop your faith - focus on selflessly ministering to her, and avoid strife; a selfless spouse is irresistible .

 

[LilShepherdBoy]

Not just your wife but go after God with everything you got with all your heart, all your soul and with all your mind: Matthew 22:37. Sometimes God will allow certain things to happen in one's life until He finally gets their attention: Proverbs 20:30, Psalms 25:1-5 because those He loves most He will discipline to help them grow: Hebrews 12:6, Revelation 3:19, Proverbs 3:12, and turn away from sin: 2 Peter 3:9. God wants a relationship with all His children: Acts 17:27, Leviticus 26:12 and those who come to the end of themselves: Psalms 38 in deep reverence: Psalms 34:11-20 will find Him as He rescues them from their problems: Psalms 34:18, when they finally come to Him: Matthew 11:28-30. Those who respect Him will have all their problems taken away and be completely protected: Psalms 34:19-20. He knows our hearts and our desires: Jeremiah 17:10. Seek Him first and make Him first in your life and watch Him take care of all your needs: Matthew 6:33. Nothing is impossible for God, even saving a marriage: Matthew 19:26, Mark 10:27.

https://www.openbible.info/topics/reconciliation










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[Cernunnos]

I am currently fighting for my marriage. I was unfaithful, and my wife filed for divorce. I truly repented and am filled with Godly sorrow. I love my wife with all of my heart but she filed for divorce. I am going to try and win her back. I am getting as close to God as I can, and I am praying that he make me a Godly man and worthy of her acceptance. She is a strong Christian and we have two young children. I go to my bible often for comfort and guidance.
Here's what I want to know: is there any biblical support for the statement "God wants marriages to heal. He wants reconcilliation."

Good on you for admitting your sin and repenting of it.

First thing you need to come to terms with, is that adultery against your wife . .. among other things, makes her feel powerless in the relationship. I am sure she thought she was doing everything she could to keep you & you turned around and cheated on her. Now, she has filed for divorce & you don't want the consequences of your actions. . . she has the power. She should have it & you need to be okay with it & even affirm it. You were wrong, you are repentant, it is her call if the marriage is going to end.

I guarantee, if you come at her with "God wants us to reconcile" or "God says you should forgive me" it will absolutely & totally destroy any chances of reconciliation.

Let me put it another way: All have sinned and fallen short of the glory. .. all sinners deserve death and condemnation under the system God designed in which there is one penalty for all sin. The miracle of grace by the redemption through Jesus Christ is that we deserve the penalty & He who Is the Word by which all creation was created chose to take that penalty for us. There is nothing that makes us worthy of that forgiveness beyond Jesus Christ's desire for relationship with us. Part of accepting Jesus as Savior is acknowledging our helplessness without His grace. You'll need to put yourself in that same position with your wife, the penalty for adultery (in western secular society) is divorce. Only by her grace and mercy can your marriage be saved. You can not argue, guilt or cajole her into not divorcing you. You have to go the other way, fully acknowledge the depth of you betrayal & your repentance and your dependence on her grace.

 

[jebadoa]

Yes Cernunnos I completely agree with you that using God's will as a tool would be disastrous. I have no intention of doing that. I just want to know that if I'm praying for God to save my marriage, I'm praying for something that He might agree with. My hope is that my wife realize my true repentance and my total commitment to anything we have to do to reconcile. If she doesn't want to reconcile, then I will submit to that decision too.

 

[Cernunnos]

Sounds like you are on the right path. Yeah, I mean it can definitely be God's will to reconcile marriages. I have also seen cases where God has used adultery to offer something even better.

Let me be up front about where I am coming from: My first wife cheated & despite my attempts to bring her to reconciliation . . . the marriage ended. In that, I made the mistake of using God's will & grace as something she should "do". So there I was rubbing her sin and my open hand (of "grace") in her face & it was completely the wrong approach. I denied my anger & tried to "right thing" my way into a healed marriage. . . but what I never did was let go. .. I never took my hands off the reigns and let God do the God thing & eventually it all broke apart.

Even though our roles are reversed, in that I was cheated on & you were a cheater, I think the lessons on how to handle when you desire reconciliation are the same.

For what it is worth, I am now remarried & incredibly happy. I see now that God was using her adultery to free me to be with my true love & like hardening Pharaoh's heart against the Jews, God wouldn't let my first wife turn to repentance so something better could happen.