Unsure if I have my priorities straight or if I'll have regrets later on

[Bonnie77]

In my line of work I can either travel the world or else stay in one place. So far I've taken the opportunity to travel and have lived in three completely different geographical areas in the US over the past five years.

I don't know what it is but I have a fear of staying in one place. I'm kind of socially awkward with dating anyway. But I use my career as an excuse not to get serious with a man because I'm probably going to move within the next few years. By doing this I feel like I might be missing out on meaningful relationships. At some point I'd like to get married and have a family. But right now I'm running away from that.

I'm 28 so I'm not that young but not old either. I'm almost to the point where I want to stop moving around. Originally I was thinking this would be when I was 35ish. I haven't gone overseas for work yet and that's something I'd like to do.

To be honest I don't know if I have my priorities straight. Sometimes I feel like I'm not taking my potential future seriously. If I keep backing out of relationships ans moving around, by the time I "settle down" I may not be able to have a family. Or I may never get the chance again to marry if I keep passing up these men. Maybe God is putting ideal matches in front of me and I don't have the sense to realize it.

Thanks for your advice. I'm getting to know a great man. But given my past history I'm afraid I'm going to sabotage this relationship and keep him at a distance.

 

[BookofMatt]

I know what you mean about "staying in one place" too long...it's easy to fall victim to the complacency of routine and eventually you feel stuck, like you're making no progression. I recently left my job after two years because I felt nothing but sameness and it was hindering work on my true passion in the arts. I know a steady job is "safe", but I'm not the type who wants a conventional job and family life; I'll take the temporary inconsistency if it means I get to pursue what I want to do with my life.

As far as relationships are concerned, I'm afraid I don't know too much I can say about this specific situation. I really don't want to say that you're in a position where you'll have to choose a job or a husband, because I don't know the particulars of your career. Don't feel pressured to choose one or the other, follow your heart towards what you really desire. That's really all I can say.

 

[A.B.C.A.D.]

I prefer moving around. Some people prefer routine. It comes down to what works for you.

Humans have various needs, two of which is the need for inconsistency (moving around, new friends, new food, getting on roller coasters) and humans have the need for consistency (your house would be there when you get home, the power would come on when you flip the switch).

During various stages of life, our core needs move from one to the other. For you right now it seems your inconsistency is number 1 with your consistency taking a back seat, there's nothing really wrong with that but your goal should be to choose assurance over "fun".

There are a lot of people who would be open to travel and live in different places with you, as long as it's something you bring up early in your interactions and you let them know how passionate you are about it. You really could get both.

Consider this, is there a deeper reason (you aren't acknowledging) why you're shying away from serious relationships?

 

[Hannah♥]

What ARE your priorities? Obviously your career must be on this list, along with marrying 'someday'. To be honest, it seems like you've spent so much time frantically running around that you haven't really been able to breathe and ask yourself what is more important. It sounds like you're a very independent person who doesn't know what to do with themselves. Which is actually quite common!

Try to give yourself some peaceful time every week to sit down and ask yourself what your goals are. Don't put pressure on yourself by saying, "Well I know I SHOULD get married soon..." or "Well I know I should PROBABLY stop moving..." Maybe you're letting outside influences dictate the way you feel about your situation. So just really get down inside of yourself and find out what you want out of this life. The longer you spend seriously contemplating this, without thinking about what you "should" do, the easier it will be to put one priority over another. Eventually you will have a clear list of what you want out of your life, and what takes importance over other things. ♥

 

[Bonnie77]

Hello BookofMatt and thank you for your reply. It's comforting to hear that others get where I'm coming from about staying in one place too long. I hope you are doing well and that you were able to reconnect with your passion for the arts.

My career and a husband might actually fit together quite well. I work as a civilian for the military. If I happened to meet a Soldier and marrying him my job wouldn't really be affected since I move from base-to-base now as it is. Sure it might not be my exact field of choice but I could probably find work on a base as a military spouse no matter where we end up.

 

[Bonnie77]

I prefer moving around. Some people prefer routine. It comes down to what works for you.

Humans have various needs, two of which is the need for inconsistency (moving around, new friends, new food, getting on roller coasters) and humans have the need for consistency (your house would be there when you get home, the power would come on when you flip the switch).

During various stages of life, our core needs move from one to the other. For you right now it seems your inconsistency is number 1 with your consistency taking a back seat, there's nothing really wrong with that but your goal should be to choose assurance over "fun".

There are a lot of people who would be open to travel and live in different places with you, as long as it's something you bring up early in your interactions and you let them know how passionate you are about it. You really could get both.

Consider this, is there a deeper reason (you aren't acknowledging) why you're shying away from serious relationships?

Thanks A.B.C.A.D. for your input. I'm not sure why but for some reason I feel like I won't be able to find someone that is up for moving around. Which is ironic because I work for the military as a civilian. If I ended up marrying a service member that wouldn't be too much of a culture shock since I move around every few years as it is.

I'll admit I do have commitment issues that tends to sabotage my relationships. I haven't dated much but I was involved with a couple of men that were good catches. I can't really explain why I broke things off with them. Both men were looking for a wife in the immediate future and I think that's why I bailed.

I guess the thing that scares me with marriage is the fact that it is intended to last forever. A bad trait I have is that I get tired of certain people's company fairly easily. What if I grow tired of my husband in 5, 10, 20 years? I'm not promiscuous by any means. But I can't guarantee I won't want to bail on the marriage and that's a big problem.

I appreciate your help.

 

[Bonnie77]

What ARE your priorities? Obviously your career must be on this list, along with marrying 'someday'. To be honest, it seems like you've spent so much time frantically running around that you haven't really been able to breathe and ask yourself what is more important. It sounds like you're a very independent person who doesn't know what to do with themselves. Which is actually quite common!

Try to give yourself some peaceful time every week to sit down and ask yourself what your goals are. Don't put pressure on yourself by saying, "Well I know I SHOULD get married soon..." or "Well I know I should PROBABLY stop moving..." Maybe you're letting outside influences dictate the way you feel about your situation. So just really get down inside of yourself and find out what you want out of this life. The longer you spend seriously contemplating this, without thinking about what you "should" do, the easier it will be to put one priority over another. Eventually you will have a clear list of what you want out of your life, and what takes importance over other things. ♥

Great advice, thanks Hannah for your help! I've been thinking about my career goals and there's two more things I want to do in my career. Both are temporary assignments that only last 18 months or less each. I'm passionate about this particular work plus it would be good career-wise and also financially. To be honest if I gave those goals up to get married and "settle down" I'd be disappointed in myself and perhaps a bit resentful.

And I can relate to the outside influences you mentioned. My only brother who is older than me recently got engaged. My family has always pryed and asked if I had a boyfriend or when I want to get married and have kids. I'm not really in a hurry. As far as kids I'm not sure I want to have biological children of my own. I really don't have a desire to raise an infant. There are plenty of older children that don't have homes. I'm open to adoption. Especially because I might not be able to have kids if I'm pushing 40 by the time I marry.

You gave me some good things to consider. I appreciate your help.