Appropriate/Inappropriate?

[DZoolander]

So my ex-wife contacted me last night via FB - letting me know what apparently her dad is really sick/probably won't last the weekend.

I'm not really worried about the contact in and of itself. It was mostly just a "make notice" type of contact. I simply said that I was sorry to hear that - ignored anything that had to do with how she felt about it (so nipped that avenue of conversation in the bud right away) - and said my thoughts were with her family in this trying time.

She said thank you - I told her to let me know if anything changed - and that was that. She went away.

So here's my question... I always liked her dad. He was always really good to me, and to my family. When she *does* at some point tell me that he died - would you ask about where to send flowers to the funeral? Is that something you would do?

I wouldn't necessary think about sending as "me" - but rather as a respectful gesture from "The XXX Family".

?

 

[WolfGate]

Zoo - I do not know the history of you and your ex-wife, but given she called to inform you of his status, I doubt that would be anything in your history that would make me deviate from the norm. So, yes, I would send flowers and I would sign as you see best, you or the family. I think that is very appropriate and respectful.

You did not ask, but going to the funeral, if possible and not against ex-wife's wishes, would also be appropriate. With the caveat there may be something in your history that might not make that wise.

 

[Odetta]

I see sending flowers as both a gesture of respect for the person who died, and as a gesture of kindness for those left grieving. If it is appropriate for your family to extend such a gesture to your ex-wife in particular, go for it. If there are any less than truly friendly feelings between you/your family and your ex, I might give it a second thought. Unless you think it would be unkind to not send flowers.

Sorry, I probably wasn't much help.

 

[ParentofChildren]

Any gifts, or service attendance is to honor the departed. Your marriage ended but sometimes lingering relationships survive. Honor the man and the respect he earned.

 

[JCLover779]

I remember your story.

Do you want to go visit him? You said he was always good to you. I think flowers are fine and show respect for her family (I think they treated you fairly well once they understood what was going on, correct?). But if you wait until he has passed away, he won't know any of that.

 

[sdmsanjose]

By EZ
... I always liked her dad. He was always really good to me, and to my family.

This is more about you and her dad and your ex-wife is irrelevant IMO. So the way you stated you were contemplating seems very appropriate to me.

In addition, you might want to consider what JCLover said. Of course you know all the issues and your judgment is good so this is JMO.

 

[WolfGate]

I remember your story.

Do you want to go visit him? You said he was always good to you. I think flowers are fine and show respect for her family (I think they treated you fairly well once they understood what was going on, correct?). But if you wait until he has passed away, he won't know any of that.

Brilliant post.

 

[Inkachu]

So my ex-wife contacted me last night via FB - letting me know what apparently her dad is really sick/probably won't last the weekend.

I'm not really worried about the contact in and of itself. It was mostly just a "make notice" type of contact. I simply said that I was sorry to hear that - ignored anything that had to do with how she felt about it (so nipped that avenue of conversation in the bud right away) - and said my thoughts were with her family in this trying time.

She said thank you - I told her to let me know if anything changed - and that was that. She went away.

So here's my question... I always liked her dad. He was always really good to me, and to my family. When she *does* at some point tell me that he died - would you ask about where to send flowers to the funeral? Is that something you would do?

I wouldn't necessary think about sending as "me" - but rather as a respectful gesture from "The XXX Family".

?

I'd ask your wife how she feels about it. If she's OK with it, go for it. If she's not comfortable with it, don't do it. IMHO the present spouse takes precedence over the past in-laws.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Zoo, Zoo, Zoo, call her father and tell him how you feel since its positive. Talk to him yourself. Don't b%^&h out on this. Its a man thing. You should spend more time at the men's forum. We could use your insight there. I respect you.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

So my ex-wife contacted me last night via FB - letting me know what apparently her dad is really sick/probably won't last the weekend.

I'm not really worried about the contact in and of itself. It was mostly just a "make notice" type of contact. I simply said that I was sorry to hear that - ignored anything that had to do with how she felt about it (so nipped that avenue of conversation in the bud right away) - and said my thoughts were with her family in this trying time.

She said thank you - I told her to let me know if anything changed - and that was that. She went away.

So here's my question... I always liked her dad. He was always really good to me, and to my family. When she *does* at some point tell me that he died - would you ask about where to send flowers to the funeral? Is that something you would do?

I wouldn't necessary think about sending as "me" - but rather as a respectful gesture from "The XXX Family".

?

If it was me, I'd send flowers and attend the funeral. That's your former FIL and barring any sort of high drama history, your being at the funeral should be accepted.

I don't have an ex-wife, but I do have an ex girlfriend and I have kept up with her family over the years since I once considered them, and still do, my family. And the feeling is mutual for them.
Families do vary, so do what you feel is best. And sorry for your loss.

 

[DZoolander]

I thought about calling him - but was told dementia had apparently set in pretty badly over the past few years (and he had difficulty identifying his own kids/knowing who they were). Going to the funeral is a non-starter - because we live on opposite ends of the country now.

I heard that he passed away on Sat - so looks like it will be just flowers.

 

[Dave-W]

I'd ask your wife how she feels about it. ..... the present spouse takes precedence over the past in-laws.

Totally agree.

 

[DZoolander]

Totally agree. Might be a non-starter anyhow...lol I'm cheap in certain things - and once you factor in the service fees/etc - I can't find anything that comes out for less than $100 that looks halfway decent.

I liked the guy - but I ain't see any of them in nearly 20 years. I'm not feeling compelled to make a sentimental gesture for $100+.

 

[DZoolander]

$50-$60 I'd do. $100+ nah.

 

[Dave-W]

Understood. Makes sense.

 

[mkgal1]

Maybe they'll be choosing a charity to give to in lieu of flowers (then you can donate in his name for a more reasonable amount). Even if they don't name one in the obituary---can you think of an organization or charity he supported in life (or that would be relative to him)? They'll often then send a memorial card to the family---letting them know about the donation in his memory.

 

[HannahT]

You can send a donation to the Alzheimer's association in behalf of his memory. That is what we asked for when mother died.

 

[dayhiker]

I like the donation in his memory.

 

[Angeldove97]

I think it is very kind of you to do something special in his memory. Sorry for your loss