More and More lazy stay at home wives

[QueSeraSera]

No tension at all. Its only if I say something, then tension comes back in, which I have not said anything since the hotel venture.

But it SHOWS .You are a ball of tension about all this just in your posts. She has to detect it . Now maybe as long as you don't bother her out loud about it she is content. But you reek of resentment .

Whatever it takes to get back to the point where she can sit on couch and not be bugged..she is a happy camper, that is her safe zone(or our bedroom).

So what ? Its her HOME, her life . Why should she not have a safe zone ? She has been dealt a life altering circumstance and that is how she is coping for now .

I'm getting the sense that you are trying to get her to "get over it " on YOUR timing .Like you know the "right way " to be her and to go through what she is going through .

Grieving .There is no order to it or set time for it to begin and end .(or get much better).Trying to rush someone through life changing circumstances or tell them how to do it right is I promise you a fruitless effort /spinning your wheels not to mention unfair.

 

[QueSeraSera]

Instead of bossing her, telling her what she's allowed to say to you, you're telling her how it makes you feel.

I completely agree . It gives the person a chance to empathize rather than become defensive. Or at least it sinks in better that way . It makes me FEEL like crap when you talk to me that way . I FEEL so discouraged when you just said that . That HURTS me when you talk to me that way . That will sink in if she has any feelings.

Muse you said she does have a kind and loving side . And her bond with your children is taking an active interest in their lives talking them ? Maybe if you try and be a little more human (not that you are inhuman) and a little less dry and point of fact you will reach her better.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[QueSeraSera]

On a Sunday afternoon I was putting groceries away and I decided to do something she had mentioned before and I thought was a good idea. Reorganize the cupboards in the kitchen. She says she is not good at organizing and it was something she would like.

So I spend about 2 hours pulling everything out of the cupboards, wiping them down and reorganizing where everything went. I would bring things to her on the couch and ask if we wanted to keep this or that.

After I completely cleaned out and reorganized the kitchen, I was excited and came out to have her take a look. She was busy with something on facebook while she was on the couch. I asked when she got done to come take a look. Well I got busy with other stuff and a phone call, then asked if she wanted to take a look again.

She said not now, there was a game on TV. So finally on the third time later I asked her again and she said she had taken a peek while I was in the bathroom. I said I wanted to show her where things were as I had moved things around. She said she saw it it was fine. I asked her where I moved some things and she did not know. So I asked her to come let me show her where things were and she got testy, then I got testy.

At that moment I felt massively unappreciated. Suffice to say that was not a pleasant evening we had together.

I see . You were seeking her approval and trying to get her to engage and she either didn't get that or was withholding on purpose.

I think you put a LOT of importance on domestic things like that and that is O.K . It makes you feel accomplished even in small ways but all added up a sense of pride in your self and your home . But she doesn't .We should never rely on our spouse as our sole source of "approval" or self esteem but I'm not sure that's what you are doing .

If I'm guessing right you feel unnoticed or even invisible . You are seeking affirmation .

 

[ProudMomxmany]

However I believe as adults, in an adult relationship there are reasonable expectations we can have of one another. We can argue about what is reasonable and not.

I've had that argument with my husband about "what is reasonable". He sees things one way and I see them another. My definition of reasonable is quite different from his.

For example...he thinks it's totally UNreasonable for the kids to park a certain way in the driveway. He's been known to go completely OFF about it. Me? Who cares! I think it's totally unreasonable for the kids to leave their shoes all over the house. He thinks that as long as he doesn't trip over them its no big deal. He goes ballistic over crumbs on the counter. I just go clean them up.

So..its a matter of compromise. There is no "winner" in the battle of reasonable.

 

[ValleyGal]

Another good book to read is "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend.

I asked her where I moved some things and she did not know. So I asked her to come let me show her where things were and she got testy,

I would get testy too and would likely have called you a bug. After all, you asked her several times, then you did not believe her when she said she looked. Her looking might have been a glance, and she said it was fine. That does not mean she memorized where everything was or should have been asked to prove that she was in there by answering your little test, which imo was very condescending.

Would it have been asking too much to just accept that she looked and that she agreed it was fine? Why did you need her to prove that she looked and now knew where everything was?

I still think you are focusing too much on behaviour and not enough on underlying context and dynamics. And believe me, your attitudes and beliefs are more likely than not influencing her in negative ways.

So...now I've got another thing to say. It's really really unpleasant when you have a bunch of people ganging up on you, telling you that you are wrong. I know. And you've definitely had that here. A lot of us think you are wrong - and most of us are coming from a woman's perspective, whether it be professonal/career or whether it be SAHW/M. Imo, if you are going to try to understand your wife and figure out how to fix your marriage, you would be wise to listen to these women, as they may very well share your wife's way of thinking. If we on the thread think like your wife does, I can certainly see why the dissension and tension in your home. But since you are complementarian and likely believe it is your role to "lead" (?) your family, that makes you responsible to fix what's going on in it. And if you are going to do that effectively, it will require something different than what you've been doing, which you have shown does not work. My question now is what are you going to change about yourself in order to fix the problems in your marriage and your home?

 

[QueSeraSera]

However I believe as adults, in an adult relationship there are reasonable expectations we can have of one another. We can argue about what is reasonable and not.

I agree . But it will go back around to what is reasonable is purely subjective .Some people are willing to live with what you might call a complete and utter slob because in the grand scheme of things what they have with the person besides that completely makes up for that . The slobbishness becomes a minor issue you just deal with .

If I don't take the trash out right away when its full, my wife is going to keep nagging me till I do it.

See, I would never do that . Not now after this many years. I would take it out myself .I might have a little fit in my head .Then do it and forget about it .

When something needs to fixed around the house, she will nag me till its done.

I would never do that either .I know he will get to it when he can and is in the mind to .Our toilet was leaking under the base part a few months back . A slow leak .Like every few days the rug was saturated . I pointed it out to him . He said he had noticed it already and would get to it . I told him one more time a week later I was only concerned about it damaging the floor or growing mold . I didn't say another word . Two weeks later he spent a Sat morning fixing it . Bottom line is its fixed. I didn't have to fix it and we didn't have to pay anyone too . Nagging at him about it every day for that month until he did it would have been a bunch of nagging,fretting everyday over something that doesn't even matter now . Its fixed without all that .

For instance in many marriages, the husband works certain days and the wife works different days. They agree that the one who is not working will cook dinner and have it ready for the one who has worked, this is common. What if the one spouse does not live up to their agreement? Can nothing be said? I think not.

People change . Everything is not in a neat little package that stays the same .Life is fluid . The human race is successful because we are adaptable .

 

[QueSeraSera]

I would get testy too and would likely have called you a bug. After all, you asked her several times, then you did not believe her when she said she looked.

Right she got "testy " over being "tested" . You can't demand someone affirm you .

Maybe if he would have calmed down and not insisted ,later when she went to use the cabinets she would have noticed and said a word of approval .

 

[ProudMomxmany]

So...now I've got another thing to say. It's really really unpleasant when you have a bunch of people ganging up on you, telling you that you are wrong. I know. And you've definitely had that here. A lot of us think you are wrong - and most of us are coming from a woman's perspective, whether it be professonal/career or whether it be SAHW/M. Imo, if you are going to try to understand your wife and figure out how to fix your marriage, you would be wise to listen to these women, as they may very well share your wife's way of thinking. If we on the thread think like your wife does, I can certainly see why the dissension and tension in your home. But since you are complementarian and likely believe it is your role to "lead" (?) your family, that makes you responsible to fix what's going on in it. And if you are going to do that effectively, it will require something different than what you've been doing, which you have shown does not work. My question now is what are you going to change about yourself in order to fix the problems in your marriage and your home?

See bolded above. The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Your current actions and words are not working. So YOU need to change yourself, your words, actions and attitudes and see if you are successful then. If not, try something else.

 

[QueSeraSera]

When my wife expresses where I am might be failing her, I can honestly say in most cases(not all) that I will at least acknowledge that and pledge to her to try and do better. I feel it is very rare when she does the same toward me, to acknowledge something and pledge to do better. That's all we can ask for as spouses, not perfection, just the right attitude.

The way you talk about her(your marriage) you always are the better one . Its a contest and you win as best spouse every time . Have you noticed that ?

In this thread you have repeatedly lifted (complimented) your self as a spouse or at the very least aren't as "bad as her ." Over and over . But yet you lecture on attitude ?

And did you ever think that she wont ever acknowledge she is doing something "wrong" that's failing you because she doesn't honestly believe it is and she will not "pledge to do better" because that would mean changing who she is ?

You're not perfect but you are closer to it than she is . You have imaginary polls going on who would agree how right you are and wrong she is . You're this way (fill in self admiration quality) she is not .

Your "ideals" of perfect wife(marriage) are so rigid that all you are left with now is a scorecard that shows you win .And two unhappy people .

 

[HannahT]

Muse - you are all over the map with your communication here.

You mention:

I am very hard working man, I always have been. I am the kind of person that whether at work(online) or at home, if something needs to be done and nobody else will do it - then I step in and do it. I clean up after myself.

I am probably too easy on my kids and my wife and just do too much at times because it is often easier to just to do it myself than ask her or them to do it. That is a fault of mine.

A response was to you:

You need to pay close attention to this .

Its not going "easy" on anyone to do things your self that you then resent your wife and children for it . You also can not compare asking /telling your children to complete a task and your wife . Your wife is an adult not one of the kids.

I can "instruct" my children to make their beds,put their dishes in the dishwasher ,etc. I do not have the right though to instruct my husband to do the same nor he me .

If I want to leave my dishes in the sink thinking ,meh , I'll put them up in the morning if my husband just can not stand that then he is welcome to put them away .If he resents me over that though then he is being petty .

We went over this earlier . In the grande scheme of life and what is important those things in the end aren't even on the map .

You quote the poster, and leave a large chuck of her point.

Like:

Its not going 'easy' on anyone to do things yourself that you then resent your wife and children for it.

Your response?

For instance in many marriages, the husband works certain days and the wife works different days. They agree that the one who is not working will cook dinner and have it ready for the one who has worked, this is common. What if the one spouse does not live up to their agreement? Can nothing be said? I think not.

I don't agree with the "if the person is an adult, the other adult can't say anything about it" any more than I think its wrong for my wife to nag me about taking out trash(and I don't think that is wrong).

Seriously, if you do this in all your conversations? You would highly frustrating to have a conversation with. Your twisting things, and instead of listening.

You can't say one of my faults is that I do to much, because its easier in your mind to just do it when I see it needs to get done - and then turn around and resent the people you did it for for NOT doing it instead of YOU!

That's crazy talk!

When its pointed out that this really makes no sense? You come back with, "Nothing can be said? I think Not." Then add in this 'agreement' part, but take no responsibility AT ALL for the fact you readily admit you just do things automatically.

No offense, but sounds like people need a crystal ball to see into the future when you are going to feel resentment over something - and when you aren't going to.

Your resenting people for not doing things that you state yourself you don't ask them to do, but I guess somehow flash back to past and remember some 'agreement' you had at one time as justification now.

You do realize that you confuse and bewilder people when you do this type of thing right? Your all over the place, and it may seem to her that you talk out of both sides of your mouth...and she is not really SURE what you want at any given time.

That's is how I would feel.

 

[HannahT]

I asked her where I moved some things and she did not know. So I asked her to come let me show her where things were and she got testy,

I would get testy too and would likely have called you a bug. After all, you asked her several times, then you did not believe her when she said she looked. Her looking might have been a glance, and she said it was fine. That does not mean she memorized where everything was or should have been asked to prove that she was in there by answering your little test, which imo was very condescending.

Would it have been asking too much to just accept that she looked and that she agreed it was fine? Why did you need her to prove that she looked and now knew where everything was?

Do you understand what ValleyGirl is saying here?

Most people - not just wives - would get testy with how you dealt with that.

She mentions that it looks fine - which WAS acknowledging your effort - and you start questioning her on the location of things?

Why would do that? Why was that important?

You assumed the worse, because she couldn't your question.

I don't even understand your logic here. I'd be totally lost.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

You can't say one of my faults is that I do to much, because its easier in your mind to just do it when I see it needs to get done - and then turn around and resent the people you did it for for NOT doing it instead of YOU!

If its easier for you to do it, then do it and shut up about it. You do it and build up a ball of resentment for doing it. It seems that there is no pleasing you at all.

For example...I like the dishwasher loaded a certain way. I do it the same way every time. I've tried to teach my family to do it that way too. But, they don't do it that way. I have two choices with that...I can either go, reload the dishwasher and blow up this huge ball of resentment and thinking "nobody else can do anything right, I have to do it all if I want it done right" OR I can just accept that there are different ways to load the dishwasher and as long as the dishes are clean, it's all good. Guess which one I chose? Its a matter of choosing your priorities and picking your battles. There are certain hills to die on and certain things that don't matter a hill of beans. Long ago, I learned three magic questions when irritated...
1. Is it my problem?
2. Is it my business?
3. Is it going to matter 5 years from now?

If the answer to any of the three is no, then let it go. Its just not worth getting worked up over.

 

[ValleyGal]

Its a matter of choosing your priorities and picking your battles.

And it's also a matter of choosing your attitudes and beliefs and thinking that goes along with choosing priorities and picking battles.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

I think what it all boils down to is that OP and his wife have different expectations. OP, you seem to believe that your wife let you down by not making family her priority. But have you thought that maybe her way of making you and your kids a priority simply doesn't look the way your idea of it does?

For you, it seems that making family priority means doing things around the house - cleaning, cooking, etc.

What if her idea of making family priority is simply spending time with family and she doesn't see doing things around the house as playing into that?

It very well could be that she's keeping her pledge in her own way. It just doesn't look like you thought it would look.

Have you read about the 5 love languages? It sounds like your primary love language is acts of service. Maybe she doesn't realize how important that is to you? And it sounds like her primary love language is something else. It could be words of affirmation, gifts or spending time together.

 

[akmom]

I don't agree with what she is doing, living her life on the couch. Neither does her mom, or her sister or her doctor. You say I have to just understand her, I am sorry but wrong behavior is wrong behavior period.

It's not her mom's or sister's business, but I can see how this would be a problem. Inactivity is not good for anyone's health, unless they are necessarily bedridden. I used to like to go running when I was younger, but after I had kids, I stuck on the couch a lot. First it was breastfeeding, which requires sitting for a long time. Then it was a baby who fell asleep in my arms, and had trouble sleeping anywhere else, so I'd be stuck on the couch for her entire nap. She was born in the winter, so I couldn't take her outside for long. It resulted in weight gain that I didn't get a chance to lose until she was almost three. I really wish I had had a better routine with that first child, but I didn't. I wish my husband would have given me a little time to myself, but back then he didn't. Anyway, it's a bad routine to spend a lot of time inactive. You could encourage her to develop new routines that allow her to be active, like meeting friends for coffee in the morning, or going for walks together in the evening. If she likes window-shopping, that's an option. Depending on where you live, you could start a garden together or even just hanging flower baskets. Something that she has to physically attend to every day, that she enjoys, that isn't physically overwhelming. You know your wife better than us, so you can come up with something that will appeal to her. Yoga or swimming can be a low-intensity activity that is great for people with injuries. You could do it with her in the evenings.

I don't know why a thoughtful effort like organizing the cupboards would be met with such rude non-appreciation. But part of the resentment might come from the fact that she never has alone time, because you work from home. Maybe she needs space.

 

[musingsofacac]

Removed by OP.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Do you understand what ValleyGirl is saying here?

Most people - not just wives - would get testy with how you dealt with that.

She mentions that it looks fine - which WAS acknowledging your effort - and you start questioning her on the location of things?

Why would do that? Why was that important?

You assumed the worse, because she couldn't your question.

I don't even understand your logic here. I'd be totally lost.

ITA. It's patronizing.

I re-organize things all the time. A few weeks ago, we got a dresser from my grandmother. While my husband was at work I moved it into our bedroom and cleaned out and re-organized our closet. When my husband got home I said "did you see what I did in the closet?" He said "yeah, it looks good." I didn't then start quizzing him on it. I didn't ask him where I put his dress shirts and socks. In fact, I said, "I put your underwear and socks in the new dresser." Not because I didn't think he could find them or because I doubted he looked at my work. I told him so he would know. As a courtesy.

I felt a sense of accomplishment for the work I had done. I didn't need my husband to memorize my work our laud my efforts.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

My "conviction" is that I am called to be a SAHM. Its what I do. Its what I am. HOWEVER, I do not believe that what is right for me is necessarily right for any other woman.

I could have a "conviction" that every able bodied man should serve in the military. Fine...BUT...not every man is cut out for that life.

And...I am sick and tired of you pounding the bible at me at every turn. Your inflexibility is what is causing the issues in YOUR marriage. I'll be switched if you DARE talk to me about marriage. You have what? One failed marriage and another one circling the toilet? Bubba...I've been married since I was 17 years old. I've been with my husband since I was 15 years old. I'll be 50 this year. I would think that I have significantly more expertise in what makes a marriage successful than you do. However, in your arrogance you can't see past the end of your nose.

 

[ValleyGal]

I respect the right of people to have different values and worldviews

Your wife has different values and worldviews. But you do not seem to be respecting her right to have different ones. Besides, that is not what this thread is about....