Marrying Syrian Orthodox - issues with my last name

[Kendrek]

So I am marrying the love of my life in a few months (7 years together) and everything has been great. Her family is from Syria and they came over to the U.S.to escape the oppression they felt from the Muslims. They have always had an issue with me because of this, my last name is as Muslim as it gets (you can figure that one out). My father is a non practicing Muslim (believes in God, says he is Muslim, but other than praying to God, does not abide by their practices, all of his children are Christian) that was born in the Carribean, my mother was born Baptist and I was raised Non Denominational Christian and attended a Non Denominational Christian Academy for most of my early childhood (till I was about 9). I love Jesus and he is in my heart and there has never been any question of my faith until I met my fiance's family. They are very distrusting and believe that I must be lying about my faith with such a name.

Not growing up in the middle east the name has never represented to me anything more than my father (who is a great man, and has been nothing but accepting of my faith and choices). So personally I can not find any issues with it, even when I know of the terrible person the name was originally meant to represent. After a few years of them expressing to me how important it is for them to not have that name in there family I agreed to change my last name, essentially moving my middle to my last name. However, now we are a few months before the wedding and her family has decided that my name must be changed before the ceremony ( I planned on doing it in the marriage docs, and then filing legal papers after we returned from our honeymoon).

My question is does anyone have any biblical reasons as too why I would have to change my name before we are married versus after or any Biblical reasons why my name would not matter on a religious basis.

I personally believe its more about whats in your heart than what your name is. I am now worried about meeting with the priest and having him say he will not marry me unless my name is changed. I want to do it on my time so it remains my decision, rushing it I feel would take that away from me and breed resentment in my heart which I want to avoid. Any advice from some fellow Christians on dealing with this from a biblical standpoint?

 

[ArmyMatt]

no, your wedding is yours to your fiance. not her parents. I say keep the name you were given.

 

[Ioustinos]

Why must you change your name? Can your fiance not keep her family name and pass on her family name to your children?

That way you are able to keep your father's name and neither her or your children will have to take on a name that would offend or endanger them.

 

[Kendrek]

Thanks ArmyMatt, I agree. I have decided to change the name out of respect for her father and mother (her mother passed away a while ago and the name was a big concern for her). I have no issues with changing my name at this point (I made the decision to do it when we get married about 5 years ago). My issue is with being told that my timing isn't good enough, and that the church wont allow a name like that to marry one of their own. I do not believe there is a biblical reason for that, in fact I would say it is the opposite. That is more of my concern.

 

[Kendrek]

Kirillos -> we discussed that but I wanted us all to share the same name as the kids, in this way she is still taking my name (even though it may be my middle name) and we will start a new family together under that name.

 

[ArmyMatt]

there is no Biblical reason for that. they should probably rejoice that someone with such a Muslim last name follows Christ in my opinion

 

[Kendrek]

there is no Biblical reason for that. they should probably rejoice that someone with such a Muslim last name follows Christ in my opinion

Ha, I said that exact same thing. My argument was shouldn't we be happy that we are taking the power away from that name and giving it to the lord. But after everything they have been through it is hard for them to accept that name being anything other than evil. I disagree with it, but it seems to be consistent with her culture. I have not met many people in her culture that disagrees with their thoughts (as crazy as that seems to me). I just hope the priest at their Orthodox church doesn't feel the same. I am meeting with him today to discuss this but I feel it will be an issue as her family spoke to him first.

 

[Kendrek]

One thing I read is this from the Syrian Orthodox Church, and I feel it sums up my point, that this discussion shouldn't be about my name but my faith, and if my faith is good then there should be no issues:

“Satan is still at work. He brings about disturbances, constantly encourages new splits and wants from that the division of the body of Christ which is the Church. We have to be careful. Politics usually uses religion to reach its worldly goals. We should limit our talks to spiritual themes because the kingdom of Christ is not of this world. We do not want the unity of Christianity to fight against other religions. Instead we want unity to reach our goal more quickly; that is the constructive dialogue with others who believe in God and here especially with the Muslims with whom we share one homeland. Let us learn from history. Let us avoid what splits us. Let us walk the way that leads to a better understanding, to a life in which love and peace rule."

 

[buzuxi02]

Politics. By her adopting your last name of Muslim origins can be problematic. Especially if she ever visits Syria. Of course this maybe problematic if you visit and they find out you apostatized to Christianity.

 

[Cappadocious]

Kendrek,

This has nothing to do with Christianity or the Orthodox Church, this is just phyletism.

If the priest refuses to marry you with your name, contact his bishop. Or go to a different church.

 

[Antony in Tx]

I would say that you can be married using whatever last name you and she want. The Orthodox wedding service does not have anything to do with one's last name. God knows you by name...your first name. That said, I think it is best to discuss the practicalities with your priest, and even to consider discussing it with the bishop, or even going on retreat to a monastery to seek guidance from a spiritual father there. I, as I know others will, will be praying for God to grant you discernment in how to proceed with this.

 

[Kendrek]

Thanks everyone for the help. We met with the priest today and he said he can not marry us with that name. I told him that I plan on changing my last name but putting that name as my middle (out of respect for my father). He said if the name is present on the marriage license or any docs then he can not perform the ceremony. They suggested I just put M. for my middle name and not the whole name when I change my name. Part of this is also getting baptized at the church prior to the wedding. I don't know if I can fully commit to a church that would discriminate like this. My fiance really wants to get married in this church with her priest but I am concerned that this is asking too much. My middle name is a private thing and I think it is crazy to say the ceremony can not be performed if it is written on legal documents. Should we move forward and get married at a different church or am I being stubborn for saying this is too much too ask and just do as the priest says. I really feel like I would be losing myself a bit by having the choice of how my name is shown removed from me.

I appreciate the comments by everyone. Would speaking to the bishop be overstepping and disrespectful to the priest? I don't want to disrespect him in this process, I just have to also respect myself.

 

[Cappadocious]

Would speaking to the bishop be overstepping and disrespectful to the priest?

God forgive me, you know, but the priest seems to be the one who has overstepped and been disrespectful.

 

[Antony in Tx]

The bishop is the one who must approve of the marriage. The priest, if he is obedient, will do what the bishop tells him to. I don't think that talking to the bishop is overstepping...it may not get you what you are wanting, but it can't hurt to ask.

 

[Trying_to_be_Orthodox]

@Kendrek

After checking how solve same problem in Russia, i can say - if you want to live in wedding marriage blessed by Orthodox Church so Very may be priest are right: First to baptize (you'll get Orthodox name) than to marry. About changing last name - didnt find something.

crazy to say the ceremony...- its not crazy. its law. PS small update: laws connected with spirit life have serious influence on real life. How much can evaluate from exprience of my family: when my mother asked priests to help with problems organized by mage, all of them say - "please, dont ask, we have children, we want to live. find somebody, who has nothing to lose." If priest will make something wrong so he will suffer.

IMHo cant accept it - marry in goverment organization. First of all, your life and ur fiance are private own business. Yours decisions are main.

 

[Dorothea]

Thanks everyone for the help. We met with the priest today and he said he can not marry us with that name. I told him that I plan on changing my last name but putting that name as my middle (out of respect for my father). He said if the name is present on the marriage license or any docs then he can not perform the ceremony. They suggested I just put M. for my middle name and not the whole name when I change my name. Part of this is also getting baptized at the church prior to the wedding. I don't know if I can fully commit to a church that would discriminate like this. My fiance really wants to get married in this church with her priest but I am concerned that this is asking too much. My middle name is a private thing and I think it is crazy to say the ceremony can not be performed if it is written on legal documents. Should we move forward and get married at a different church or am I being stubborn for saying this is too much too ask and just do as the priest says. I really feel like I would be losing myself a bit by having the choice of how my name is shown removed from me.

I appreciate the comments by everyone. Would speaking to the bishop be overstepping and disrespectful to the priest? I don't want to disrespect him in this process, I just have to also respect myself.

I don't have anything to add other than, that sounds crazy. Why change your name? Why is the priest refusing to baptize you because of your last name? That seems totally off to me.

 

[Kendrek]

The priest says it is in the bylaws that he can not perform the marriage with that name. It is a Syrian Orthodox Church, and considering what they have been through with the Muslims I could see how this could be possible. I have not been able to find anything regarding this online through their resources website. I also think it is a bit crazy and find it hard to believe that this is written in the church laws....

What I really need is an experts on Syrian Orthodox Bylaws, but I am guessing that not an easy person to come across.

 

[Ann_of_Love]

I'm going to pray that it all gets to be smooth sailing for you ASAP. This sounds nutters. Don't despair! It'll work out, I promise!

 

[choirfiend]

Sounds quite a bit crazy, and not related to the Faith, but to some cultural/ethnic bias. We don't even use last names in church services. It's just a name!

I would also personally contact the Bishop to discuss the issue. Beyond that, if there is STILL a problem (insanity!) then I would look to other area Antiochian Orthodox (Arab-based still, but often becoming american and less biased, I would hope) Churches, and lacking those, a Greek church, who would at least use music your fiancee was accustomed to, most likely.

 

[ArmyMatt]

yeah, it sounds pretty nutty that a wedding cannot be performed because of a last name. that has nothing to do with the sacrament of marriage.