Wife addicted to social media......

[nealius]

First a little background. I've been married for almost 2 years. Dated my wife for about 2.5-3 years before that. We met at a Korean church (she's Korean, I'm American), and I'm active in the English side of this Korean Church.

Anyway, she is an extremely social person (as most Koreans are), and is addicted to social media. I am a somewhat asocial person, since I have a touch of Asperger's Syndrome.

Now the problem is, instead of coming to me directly, and communicating with me, like saying, "I would like to go on a picnic today, the weather is nice", she will post it on Facebook. Then she complains about how I never post on her Facebook.

So I explain to her that I don't need to post on her Facebook, and she doesn't need to post on my Facebook, when we're married, living in the same house, and can talk to each other directly. I also explained to her that asking "Take me on a picnic" through Facebook instead of directly is insulting, to which she scoffs and says, "You comment on everyone's Facebook except for mine!" and storms out of the room.

That's an outright lie. As I said, I'm an asocial person. I like to spend time alone. When I want company I spend time with my wife or a couple of close friends. I rarely post on anyone's Facebook. I can't even believe that some bloody social networking site has been the center of our conflict. It's childish and ridiculous.

To make things worse, she won't listen to me. She's a night-owl. I'm not. I need sleep. Ever since she got an iPhone she stays up at night in the bed on Facebook, some Korean social networking site, or watching Korean dramas, and the light from her phone disturbs my sleep. I've told her over and over and she won't stop.

She also won't listen to me when it comes to hanging out with her friends from church. They all speak Korean. Only a couple of them speak English. So I get stuck sitting around for 4 hours not understanding anything while they all socialize and ignore me. I try to talk to her about it and she says it's my fault because I never talk to them. I explain to her, how am I supposed to talk to them when everything is in Korean? Furthermore I don't even know what to say, nor do I honestly care. I just want to go home and relax instead of being stuck at Starbucks for 4 hours listening to Korean.

I'm starting to break.

 

[Avniel]

Man just post on her Facebook the small petty things in life aren't worth the argument.

 

[nealius]

If someone has to rely on a Facebook posting to feel happy there's a major problem there.

 

[MessianicMommy]

I'm going to chalk up a good deal of that being cultural differences. Pick your hill to die on, but I don't think FB is the one...

Learn some Korean! It won't kill you. And there are some good KDramas out there you can watch on crunchyroll that have English subtitles. win-win!

Some of this sounds like newlywed drama... ya'll will either work it out or not, with or without help... it's normal adjustment stuff.

I married a nice German guy, moved to Germany from the US and had very little German language skills under my belt. I took 9 months of 5 hrs each day, 5 days a week German through the Goethe Institut. And I live here, full time with only a 3 month break 3 yrs ago back to the US. That's not including the homework and tests we had to take.

Our house is half-half in each language, two kids who are learning dual language and time with my in-laws is in both languages, more heavy on the German when the aunts/uncles/cousins or grandparents in-law are over... though some of them do speak English.

TV's half-half. I know where to find things in English now, but some things like the kids' programming is 90% German.

Honestly, aspie or not (DH is an aspie) - you have to come out of your comfort zones a little and make some exceptions in marriage.

 

[Romanseight2005]

For starters, why is the light keeping you up? Is she in bed with the light on? The separate hours is actually a good reason to communicate by emails or networking sites. If you don't want other people to see what you are writing, you could privately message, or email her. It would be a good idea though, to post things like,"I love you," on her public wall. In honestly, that may be what she's wanting. She may feel like you are not willing to show your interest in her to others. For whatever reason, she just may need that. If you start doing these things, she may ease up and get more comfortable with talking in person, but if your hours are different, then it might be good to communicate online anyway.

About church friends, are you on Korea? Perhaps you could learn some Korean? Perhaps make an effort anyway?

 

[SilkRainn]

Do you live in the US? This is not a cultural difference. I think any culture would find your wife selfish and childish. Assuming he does live in an English speaking country, he has no obligation to learn Korean unless they plan to move there.

 

[nealius]

Learn some Korean! It won't kill you. And there are some good KDramas out there you can watch on crunchyroll that have English subtitles. win-win!

I've tried learning Korean. I've been studying Japanese for the past 6+ years, and considering that the grammar is similar, and that 60% of the vocab in both languages is borrowed from Old Chinese, you'd think it would be easy. I studied Korean on my own for about a year and a half, learned enough to figure out when people were talking about me or college. But due to the similarities it started interfering with my Japanese, which is something I can't afford since it's the only employable skill I have. Another thing that I've explained to her, and she still won't listen.

I've tried the dramas too. I can't stand dramas in any language. There are some Korean movies I can stand, and we'll watch American movies with Korean subtitles sometimes too.

I guess another problem is that she doesn't listen to me when I try to talk to her about this stuff. And then at some point she'll get all worked up and raise her voice and won't let me get a word in.

We are both in the United States. Both in the same house. There is absolutely zero reason to post on each other's Facebook. If I want to say "I love you" I will walk up to her and say "I love you". If she's not there, I'll call or text. Facebook has become a disease upon society.

As for the light keeping me up, it's the light from her iPhone. It lights up the entire room.

 

[Romanseight2005]

I've tried learning Korean. I've been studying Japanese for the past 6+ years, and considering that the grammar is similar, and that 60% of the vocab in both languages is borrowed from Old Chinese, you'd think it would be easy. I studied Korean on my own for about a year and a half, learned enough to figure out when people were talking about me or college. But due to the similarities it started interfering with my Japanese, which is something I can't afford since it's the only employable skill I have. Another thing that I've explained to her, and she still won't listen.

I've tried the dramas too. I can't stand dramas in any language. There are some Korean movies I can stand, and we'll watch American movies with Korean subtitles sometimes too.

I guess another problem is that she doesn't listen to me when I try to talk to her about this stuff. And then at some point she'll get all worked up and raise her voice and won't let me get a word in.

We are both in the United States. Both in the same house. There is absolutely zero reason to post on each other's Facebook. If I want to say "I love you" I will walk up to her and say "I love you". If she's not there, I'll call or text. Facebook has become a disease upon society.

As for the light keeping me up, it's the light from her iPhone. It lights up the entire room.

Okay, you do realize that you don't have to hang out with people who you can't communicate with right? The thing about not posting on facebook though, is that it's important to her. That should be reason enough to do it. It's also reasonable for her to want you to tell her you love her, publicly. Anyone can do anything in private, but in front of others, shows you mean it, and are willing to say it with accountability. Does that make sense?

As far as her not listening to you, sh should. Have you tried getting her to see a counselor with you?

All of these things you are bringing up, really aren't big things, and could be worked through, maybe even simply. I will be praying that your wife will hear your concerns.

 

[nealius]

It's also reasonable for her to want you to tell her you love her, publicly. Anyone can do anything in private, but in front of others, shows you mean it, and are willing to say it with accountability. Does that make sense?

Yes and no. Telling her that I love her publicly is one thing. Heck, that's what the wedding was about (honestly I hated it--I'm a private person, I would have rather just gone to the courthouse and had a small family-only ceremony. I've selectively forgotten most memories of the wedding).

But Facebook? That's not public. That's the internet. Before Facebook was around, none of this needy "post cutesy lovey-dovey junk all over my wall" was in existence.

 

[MessianicMommy]

Do you live in the US? This is not a cultural difference. I think any culture would find your wife selfish and childish. Assuming he does live in an English speaking country, he has no obligation to learn Korean unless they plan to move there.

I don't care what country you live in - but Asian culture is rather insular and very different from the country they're living in. Even if they speak the lingua franca of whatever country it is. BTDT.

I've tried learning Korean. I've been studying Japanese for the past 6+ years, and considering that the grammar is similar, and that 60% of the vocab in both languages is borrowed from Old Chinese, you'd think it would be easy. I studied Korean on my own for about a year and a half, learned enough to figure out when people were talking about me or college. But due to the similarities it started interfering with my Japanese, which is something I can't afford since it's the only employable skill I have. Another thing that I've explained to her, and she still won't listen.

I'm sorry to hear that. I've got three, working on 4 languages under my belt. Two of them have almost no relation to the other two. We also have a lot of Japanese and some Korean in the home because DH and I love anime, and we've gotten hooked on a few Kdrama.

I'd think if you wanted to spend time with her and her friends, you would at least put in a little effort, if nothing else to save face. I understand - Korean is hard! But it's worth it if it can save your marriage and also help strengthen family bonds and build friendships. Not everyone wants to operate in English all the time, even in the US. That's the wonderful thing about the United States. While it is a melting pot, and English is the defacto language, it is not the official language, and you will find just about every language under the sun in use in the US.

Germany however, official language and defacto language are German, and by golly you have to learn it or you won't make it here. But, you will hear very often - Turkish, Arabic, Russian, Hebrew, Japanese, Chinese, English and other European languages on any given day. Tonight in the checkout line, I counted three or four other languages, and I wasn't even halfway paying attention to the others in line. I zoned out after hearing so much Russian and Polish, until it was my turn to be at the cash register. I'd been at the Chinese restaurant just before and had been listening to the owner and employees talking while waiting for my to-go + German and from what I understand from another customer, Kahzak.

In our area, Chinese and Japanese are very common - so much so that signs in Heidelberg are in Japanese up at the most historical sites and many of the Rhine and Nekar river tours will have sights announced in Chinese dialects and Japanese in addition to English, German and French. (I love it!)

I've tried the dramas too. I can't stand dramas in any language. There are some Korean movies I can stand, and we'll watch American movies with Korean subtitles sometimes too.

OK, but I'm sure you don't expect her to watch everything alone, especially if her love language is quality time?

Have you walked in her shoes a mile?

DH used to like me hanging out watching him play video games, even if I wasn't playing. that of course changed when we had kids and little to no time for video games. He started including the children just to make them sleep.

I guess another problem is that she doesn't listen to me when I try to talk to her about this stuff. And then at some point she'll get all worked up and raise her voice and won't let me get a word in.

Have you thought that it might be how you are talking about the issues?
Perhaps she's lonely? Adjusting now to having a dual-language household where she might have expected things to be mostly in Korean or some more effort towards embracing her culture and language?

We are both in the United States. Both in the same house. There is absolutely zero reason to post on each other's Facebook. If I want to say "I love you" I will walk up to her and say "I love you". If she's not there, I'll call or text. Facebook has become a disease upon society.

As for the light keeping me up, it's the light from her iPhone. It lights up the entire room.

I'll have to agree to disagree. Though, I unplugged facebook on my own for various privacy related reasons and the fact they were breaking many German privacy laws. It was mostly on principle.

When my entire family was under one roof in the US, we all had ICQ. And we were all in different rooms of the house when we were all at home, and often that was the way we got in contact with each other vs yelling when in the middle of various projects, homeschooling or work-related things. We couldn't afford an intercom, so mom copy/pasting "dinner's ready!" to everyone was easier. Or "Hey, lights out already" if we were still online after 9.

I have a couple cousins here in Germany (He's my 2nd cousin), who live about 6 hrs away. They both are on facebook, and constantly writing back and forth love notes to each other. Some that some of us would rather not see/hear about... but we know they love each other and are crazy about each other and just hid those messages.
He studies during the day and facebook is easy access on his phone, just as it is on hers. It costs nothing to text that way, vs SMS which costs 10-20c per text.

As far as lights on and such - Its after 2am, I have a kid between DH and I, both DH and the kid asleep, with my nightlight and laptop light on. I used to simply stay in the living room, but DH didn't like that, so he acquiesced and asked me to come to bed, even if I have insomnia, even if I'm playing a game, researching, chatting or online on here.
He really hates being alone, much more than the light being on - and he's a sleep in total darkness guy. - He got over that when we had the kids and I couldn't see to breastfeed, and they both let him know on no uncertain terms that they were terrified of the dark. Again- he adjusted. It was that or sleep elsewhere in the house while they're little.

The facebook thing - it's like the classic TP over/under or Toothpaste middle/bottom/top arguments. You'll work it out in your own time.

 

[MessianicMommy]

Yes and no. Telling her that I love her publicly is one thing. Heck, that's what the wedding was about (honestly I hated it--I'm a private person, I would have rather just gone to the courthouse and had a small family-only ceremony. I've selectively forgotten most memories of the wedding).

Okay then.. Yeah, that's not gonna cut it for most the women I know, and I'm not exactly the PDA type. I don't mind hand holding or a kiss goodbye on the cheek or something... but not hearing "I love you" in public outside of the wedding day? I'd really wonder about my DH.

But Facebook? That's not public. That's the internet. Before Facebook was around, none of this needy "post cutesy lovey-dovey junk all over my wall" was in existence.

You do realise social media's been around for almost 20 years, long before Facebook was even an idea in the back of the mind of Zuckerberg and his friends, right?

Like even well before BBs? Especially in Asia?

 

[nealius]

The facebook thing - it's like the classic TP over/under or Toothpaste middle/bottom/top arguments. You'll work it out in your own time.

TP is easy. I just take it off the roll and flip it over

but not hearing "I love you" in public outside of the wedding day? I'd really wonder about my DH.

I think you missed my point. Hearing "I love you" in public is going out to a restaurant or on a date and saying "I love you". Which I do.

Posting "I love you" on Facebook is not PDA, and barely classifies as "public" in my opinion. Posting "I love you" on FB is about as meaningful as posting it in a game of World of Warcraft.

 

[Puptart]

I don't care what country you live in - but Asian culture is rather insular and very different from the country they're living in. Even if they speak the lingua franca of whatever country it is. BTDT.

I can confirm this at least from my personal experience.. My first husband was Vietnamese. It was an "interesting" road with his family/culture, I'll leave it at that.

Back to the original post though:

I'm sort of surprised no one is saying it outright, shocked even, so I guess I'll be the odd one out here and say: I think your wife is being unreasonable and maybe even a touch selfish.

First, my husband sometimes has stayed up in the past "reading" which means using his iPod to read a book, and the light more definitely keeps me up just from that little device, it's like the sun shining out of a tiny box. The compromise is that he can read for an hour or so but after that he has to put it away so I can sleep, or go out to the main room.

Second, your wife is using a "my way or the highway" attitude. She's basically demanding to see everything the way she wants it and refusing to compromise. That being said, the other party in the marriage (the OP) needs not to make the same mistake. She likes Facebook, ok.. well make an effort to do a little more with Facebook, and hopefully she can make an effort to do a little less with Facebook.

If you can't figure out how to compromise (or if she outright refuses), you should talk to a third party to help you get on the same page. This could be a friend, a family member, or if it's bad enough, a pastor, a counselor, etc.

I do think there is a problem here of "My way is right" on both sides though. as much as you (the original poster) keep saying that saying I Love You on facebook is about as meaningful as nothing at all, that's not how she feels. You need to stop dismissing it and start understanding it, whether you like it or not. This is a part of her and you're gonna have to deal.

But I'm also saying that she is making the same mistake by assuming that he needs to 100% come to her side of the table and that's just the way it is.

As for hanging out with her friends you can't even understand? Don't! Tell her gently that it makes no sense to hang out with these people because you don't understand what they are saying, so she is free to go meet up with them, but you would like to sit this out. My husband and I have different friends, not mutual ones. This isn't unusual.. I myself am more like you, entirely a-social and prefer my alone time or time with my husband and/or close friends only, so I'm more than happy to say to my husband "You know, you go have a good time with that big get-together at your dad's house, I'm just gonna chill out here at home."

Those are my thoughts anyway. This is a massive breakdown in communication where each side refuses to budge.. two stubborn people at each end of a rope pulling equally and neither will concede. Even if one did, the'd just get thrown into the mud in the middle and tossed around because the other side is still pulling.

Compromise is needed before this problem explodes into something major.

 

[Easyk]

Not to mention everyone has forgotten the asburges (sp) syndrome, it plays a big part in ins life.. I know I have a child who has a touch of it, it's big and you need to adjust your life around that or bad/interesting things happen. Does she understand at all what this syndrome actually means? It's not something that can be trained out, it's part of you.. I am like you I hat fb, I don't post that on fb as we live in the same house.. Thos we do MSG each other love you...

 

[MessianicMommy]

TP is easy. I just take it off the roll and flip it over

Hence my comment about FB.

I think you missed my point. Hearing "I love you" in public is going out to a restaurant or on a date and saying "I love you". Which I do.

Posting "I love you" on Facebook is not PDA, and barely classifies as "public" in my opinion. Posting "I love you" on FB is about as meaningful as posting it in a game of World of Warcraft.

And to some people (like DH, my cousins, or other relatives on FB/MMORPGs) it's important to do that if you're both on there together. They consider it PDA.

...I'm sort of surprised no one is saying it outright, shocked even, so I guess I'll be the odd one out here and say: I think your wife is being unreasonable and maybe even a touch selfish.

The only reason I haven't, is I have 3 relations with Aspergers + my DH... A lot of times it's not unreasonable requests - but things that can easily be mediated.

If you can't figure out how to compromise (or if she outright refuses), you should talk to a third party to help you get on the same page. This could be a friend, a family member, or if it's bad enough, a pastor, a counselor, etc.

I do think there is a problem here of "My way is right" on both sides though. as much as you (the original poster) keep saying that saying I Love You on facebook is about as meaningful as nothing at all, that's not how she feels. You need to stop dismissing it and start understanding it, whether you like it or not. This is a part of her and you're gonna have to deal.

But I'm also saying that she is making the same mistake by assuming that he needs to 100% come to her side of the table and that's just the way it is.

As for hanging out with her friends you can't even understand? Don't! Tell her gently that it makes no sense to hang out with these people because you don't understand what they are saying, so she is free to go meet up with them, but you would like to sit this out. My husband and I have different friends, not mutual ones. This isn't unusual.. I myself am more like you, entirely a-social and prefer my alone time or time with my husband and/or close friends only, so I'm more than happy to say to my husband "You know, you go have a good time with that big get-together at your dad's house, I'm just gonna chill out here at home."

Definitely an option as well.

I don't have any friends outside of DH's circle really. My friends moved back to Tx. Such is life when you are non-military, not really mobile (no car) and the US is closing down all but a couple bases. The only other Americans are married to nationals, and it's to the point we need to actively seek out our local Celiac society... see if there's anyone there we can connect with.

Those are my thoughts anyway. This is a massive breakdown in communication where each side refuses to budge.. two stubborn people at each end of a rope pulling equally and neither will concede. Even if one did, the'd just get thrown into the mud in the middle and tossed around because the other side is still pulling.

Compromise is needed before this problem explodes into something major.

Not to mention everyone has forgotten the asburges (sp) syndrome, it plays a big part in ins life.. I know I have a child who has a touch of it, it's big and you need to adjust your life around that or bad/interesting things happen. Does she understand at all what this syndrome actually means? It's not something that can be trained out, it's part of you.. I am like you I hat fb, I don't post that on fb as we live in the same house.. Thos we do MSG each other love you...

I've definitely not forgotten. I have 2 cousins, a brother and a DH with it.

I would suggest a few books on the subject if she's interested in learning more - but even having Asperger's - does not excuse one from learning social graces or how to operate within an "NT" (normal thinking) relationship to some degree.

We struggle sometimes (DH and I) with the kids and our relationship - me mostly taking on all the work while DH does his Aspie zone out and hyper-focus on a project. And I try to bring him around without completely walking over all his feelings - but sometimes it is hard, because he will go in that little mental circle and lock all of us out.

I have to remember he's not taking it out on me, he's just stressed and in his happy place and he's conveniently forgotten I'm now his wife and we have two small children that require daddy time as much as mommy time.

 

[JRSut1000]

Marriage is about give and take, and yes a big part of that is adjusting to one another especially when those adjustments are cultural in nature. It seems you two are polar opposites and sometimes that works out great for people, but there is still some adjusting and agreeing that needs to take place.

Okay, I'll start with the last problem - the iPhone at night. Does she have to use it in bed? Maybe she can just come to bed a little later when she is ready that way you can get your sleep and she can do her hobby. Ideally, she should get enough sleep too, but marriage's goal isnt to change our spouse but to find ways that both can agree.

Facebook - it wont kill you to say 'I love you'. Yes, to you its absurd but to her its not so try to see from her perspective.

Korean language - its great you've learned some and yeah its hard to make that practical when people are in the midst of a busy energetic conversation in a foreign language. BUT this is the woman you married, this is who she is and its a part of her. Does that mean you have to stay at Starbucks for 4 hours? No, probably not. Maybe just go for alittle bit then say you have other things plans or responsibilities. At least you showed your face but yet you wont resent being bored out of your skull for 4 hours (I dont think I could handle that either!).

I assume you married this woman because you love her and vice versa. As I said, marriage is about adjustment and meeting each other half-way. As someone else here said, pick and choose your battles wisely.

 

[Grace51]

Do you live in the US? This is not a cultural difference. I think any culture would find your wife selfish and childish. Assuming he does live in an English speaking country, he has no obligation to learn Korean unless they plan to move there.

the only problem is that she is his wife. i think as a husband, he does have obligations to try to understand and learn about her culture or at least make some effort, which is an important part of who she is ( i know, i am an asian).

anyway, i read this research once that found when it comes to interacial marriages, when both spouse have good command of each languages as well as understanding of the other person's culture, the marriage is usally happier.

not a huge surprise if you ask me, i mean when it comes to your significant others, you want to be able to feel understood by them.

 

[Easyk]

Well it's true asburges, the things holding u back can be overcome.. It takes time and lots of patiences....my question was.. Does she understand this is being a big issue, for you and things take time.. For me learning another tongue, no thanks I know three already and it's polite to not speak in a tongue those you love and who are around and you know them to not speak it.korean or not, makes no difference, while he needs to make some compromises. So must his wife, simply not face booking every night is a start, ESP in bed.. Why not limit it to not school nights pleas ( ie not working the following day) and she can fb all she likes during the night while you are awake.... I don't know, but something needs to happen.a compromise is not giving up something but bending a little.. While its try that often in Asian houses women rule the roost and what they say goes.. Seems she is expecting this... She needs to understand in the west this is note the case, but rare a blend of the two and if a decision is fifty either way and she cante make up her mind than it falls to the man. If I was in those shoes, I would never stand for it, it would go completely against everything I was taught and who I am,s it would make me down right miserable. So a healthy comprise is def needed.. Even if she thinks counseling is not needed, it is and you both need to go and work things thru, and develope a five and ten year plan..

 

[SilkRainn]

the only problem is that she is his wife. i think as a husband, he does have obligations to try to understand and learn about her culture or at least make some effort, which is an important part of who she is ( i know, i am an asian).

anyway, i read this research once that found when it comes to interacial marriages, when both spouse have good command of each languages as well as understanding of the other person's culture, the marriage is usally happier.

not a huge surprise if you ask me, i mean when it comes to your significant others, you want to be able to feel understood by them.

I know too, I'm married to an asian woman. We plan to live in America for the rest of our lives. When we have a kid, learning English will be more important than learning any other language because that's going to give him/her the most benefit to integrate into the society that we live in.

Do you deny that it's selfish of his wife to make him tag along with a bunch of her friends who all speak a language he has no understanding of? You really look at that situation and feel the best solution is for him to spend numerous years learning another language, just so he have the, uh, pleasure of joining in the girl talk at Starbucks?

His wife is being selfish.

 

[Romanseight2005]

I know too, I'm married to an asian woman. We plan to live in America for the rest of our lives. When we have a kid, learning English will be more important than learning any other language because that's going to give him/her the most benefit to integrate into the society that we live in.

Do you deny that it's selfish of his wife to make him tag along with a bunch of her friends who all speak a language he has no understanding of? You really look at that situation and feel the best solution is for him to spend numerous years learning another language, just so he have the, uh, pleasure of joining in the girl talk at Starbucks?

His wife is being selfish.

Frankly, they are both being selfish, and that's the problem. Since the man is here, he is the one we can tell to work on his attitude and behavior. He doesn't have to hang out with her friends if he doesn't want to. He could say hi, or hang out for 10 minutes, then leave. She wants him with her, but he doesn't have to stay with her the whole time.

They can pick out movies they both like. They will eventually figure that out. Some of their tastes in movies will likely change as well. It's a process.

His complete unwillingness to do any posting on her facebook, is just as selfish and unreasonable as her insisting that he hang out with her friends. That's why I think they need a counselor. Both of them need to give a little. They both need to want to serve the other in the ways that the other is wanting them too.