IMHO, control issues (micro-managing or macro-managing) is a symptom that something is seriously wrong with the dynamic of both partners.
I agree.
How much of our partner should we try to 'change'?
Umm...
none?
People are who they are. You marry a person for who they are, not who they "could" be some day in the future if they change a whole bunch of stuff you don't like, you disagree with, or that you think isn't good for them, or if you think they can be "more" than what they are.
Thinking like that is extremely demeaning to a spouse.. that can take its toll on people over time in a very hardcore way, always thinking they're not good enough because their spouse wants them to "change".
Change isn't a bad thing, but demanding or expecting it certainly can be, though keep in mind I'm not talking about changing major things (like if a person has an addiction to drugs or something of that nature) or negative things that cropped up during the course of the marriage that did not exist when you married the person -- but even these things require less "demand/expectation" of change and more communication and positive outlooks for the future. Demanding change can be an extremely negative thing, even if the person intends it to be positive.
It's so easy to say 'well s/he should be doing this/that' and try to micromanage our spouse and his/her decisions. How much of a spouse's decisions should be an 'us' decision and what should be left up to him/her to decide for themselves?
All decisions in my marriage are "us" decisions, there is no such thing as an "I" decision. That doesn't mean we always do absolutely everything in life together and that we don't have separate interests, but it means when we have a decision to be made, we always consult the other person even if it was originally a decision that could be viewed as "only" impacting one person. The fact is you never know when a decision might impact the other person, so we always consult on everything. We don't spend a dime without consulting the other, we don't commit to engagements for one or both of us without consulting the other, and so on.
I can't imagine having a very good marriage if we didn't operate in this manner to be frank.
The only time there would ever be an "I" decision rather than an "us" decision would be if my husband said he had no input to put toward a situation and I was free to decide one way or another over things. And vice versa.