The first thing you need to get a hold of is that God is for you, not against you.
For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.
For one will scarcely die for a righteous person-though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die-
but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God.
For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. -Rom 5:6-10
God is not imputing your sin against you, He is looking to strengthen you through His love so you can rise out of it. If He wanted to condemn us, that would have been easy enough. He wouldn't have bothered to send the Lord Jesus to suffer so horribly for us. Obviously, condemnation is not His desire or intention (Jn 3.17). We were all captives to sin. That's why when Jesus got up and spoke in that synagogue in Capernaum, He choose to quote Is. 61.1:
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;
It doesnt work like this: "I can't forgive, so I can't be forgiven." Do you see what a miserable rut that is, that could never lead anywhere?
It works like this: "God has forgiven me, so now I can go to Him. He will not hold it against me, but He will strengthen me so I can forgive." Jesus came to bring hope and life. He always provides a way out. That's why we call Him the Savior. He knows we can't do it without Him - He even said exactly that (Jn 15.5).
The Lord sees right through all your hurt, frustration and anger, and all your venting, to the needs of your heart. He knows exactly whom He has called to eternal life with Him, and He's not surprised by anything you do. The entire price has been paid by the Lord Jesus. The only thing lacking is to trust Him for cleansing. Dont compound and continue the cycle of human tragedy by not going to Him for help. What a waste that would be, when all that grace has
already been fully paid for, so dearly by the Lord Jesus:
Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. -Heb 4:14-16
It may feel like God is ignoring you and nothing is happening, but that is not the case. It very often looks the worst before the breakthrough. It has to be that way for root issues to be exposed for healing. Search the gospels and you'll see that time after time. Crisis leads to intervention and deliverance by the Lord. Lazarus' death and resurrection in John 11 is but one example. Jesus purposely delayed four days before He went to Lazarus, because He had more in mind than healing a physical sickness.
Your questions are natural, but try to exercise faith that God will show you answers at the right time. He gave us Romans 8.28 as a protection. For those times we can't understand, we can rest in God's perfect love and sovereign ability. He is working everything out for our good. We need to let Him. And by the way, we all are going through things, you are not the only one who seems not to get answers at times. We all must stretch our faith at difficult times.
There's a lot to be said about forgiveness. The way to forgive is to keep forgiving as you pray. Take a "stand" in prayer, saying I forgive (Mk 11), and eventually you'll have the victory. Be patient with yourself, and persistent.
Forgiving does not mean you condone the wrong that happened. It does not necessarily mean you have to reconcile. That depends on repentance, rebuilding trust, etc. Forgiveness literally means you "release" it to God, trusting that after youve done all you can, He alone knows how to deal with the whole thing. Depending on what is being forgiven, you may want to confront those who have wronged you, or even bring up charges. The Lord will make that clear too. But the point is to extend faith in Him to work all this out. Start now, from where you are. Transfer the burden from yourself, who is being crushed, to His broad shoulders. Since He's already born our sins and infirmities, He won't even feel it.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?
He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?
Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies.
Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-more than that, who was raised-who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?
As it is written, For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,
nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. -Rom 8:31-39
