Need Some Advice, Please...

[sdmsanjose]

Originally Posted by Oblivious
I've been a member of this forum for many years, and I have never asked for advice, definitely not marriage advice until now. I am a very private person but got some news last week and don't know what to do with it, so I would greatly appreciate some insight.

We just celebrated our 11th anniversary last week. It really wasn't much of a celebration. Things have just not been right since about the beginning of the year - intimacy is gone and my DH is very consumed with work - he has always traveled for work but with his new job he's gone about 80% of the time. I finally got him to talk this weekend and he dropped the bomb that his "Feelings have changed" but yet he also admitted that he still loves me and would do anything for me. Huh? He was married prior to me and admitted the same thing happened then, and about at the same timeframe as our marriage (10 years or so). I told him I intend to keep my wedding vows and am not interested in a divorce so we agreed we'll continue to "talk" (which we really haven't).

I'm a VERY good wife to this man. I work full time and take care of everything; he never has to lift a finger. I'm there for him emotionally(when he rarely opens up) and have been very cool and understanding of his work and travels. I believe I'm a cool chick - I take care of myself, don't nag, am emotionally stable, and don't do all that other stuff that annoys men. I mean we rarely if ever fight! Anyway, he never really said it was anything I did so I just don't understand any of this or what I can do.

I'm a believer that marriage is forever (sorry to sound cliche). No wonder marriages fail if it's for something lame like this. I seriously am very worried about us and I don't know what to do....

My guess would be that he expects life to be a certain way and it is not living up to his expectations. He said that “His feelings have changed” he still loves you and he never said it was anything that you ever did.

If he is telling the truth then it is something within him. Since this is the second time he has reached this stage after 10 years then it seems that whatever it is it is something that is within his personality or experience of a long time ago. Seems like he just has a hard time accepting life as it is rather than how he expects it to be. If that is the case then perhaps a person that has had this problem and overcame it could talk to your husband and help him.

The other possibility that I thought of was that he is cheating. You said nothing about him cheating after the first wife and the first 10 years so if he did not cheat then I don’t think that cheating would be a strong possibility. However, being gone all the time and no intimacy with you is reason to wonder.

In any case I do not see how you will ever have a fulfilling marriage for even a short time with him gone 80% of the time and no intimacy. You are at an emotional disadvantage as you need his emotional support more than he needs yours. I would advice you to try and find out exactly and specifically why “His feeling have changed” in hopes to get him some help. At the same time you need to get your self stronger and more independent in the event that he keeps the no intimacy thing going.

Of course you could do like some people and just stay in an intimacy deprived marriage and hope that in the years to come he changes.

Stan

 

[Oblivious]

My guess would be that he expects life to be a certain way and it is not living up to his expectations. He said that “His feelings have changed” he still loves you and he never said it was anything that you ever did.

If he is telling the truth then it is something within him. Since this is the second time he has reached this stage after 10 years then it seems that whatever it is it is something that is within his personality or experience of a long time ago. Seems like he just has a hard time accepting life as it is rather than how he expects it to be. If that is the case then perhaps a person that has had this problem and overcame it could talk to your husband and help him.

I think a good question for me to ask him is "what does he really want out of life?". He is clearly not happy now. His work is all consuming of him and he finally admitted to me that he does not like his new job, which I have deduced was the case. As I have mentioned earlier in this thread when we talked he kept bringing up our move 5 years ago (which was work related). I think he feels a great deal of guilt about that and things really haven't been the same since then, although it has been in the last year or so that they've really gone to crap.

The other possibility that I thought of was that he is cheating. You said nothing about him cheating after the first wife and the first 10 years so if he did not cheat then I don’t think that cheating would be a strong possibility. However, being gone all the time and no intimacy with you is reason to wonder.

I have asked him repeatedly about this and he denies it so I have to take him at his word.

Of course you could do like some people and just stay in an intimacy deprived marriage and hope that in the years to come he changes.

That's the thing. If we can't "fix" things then what do you do - live in an unfulfilling marriage or face the inevitable and end things and commit adultery, which isn't really fair for me to be labeled as such when I didn't bring this on. How will God feel about this? That whole scenerio just really bothers me.

 

[razzelflabben]

That's the thing. If we can't "fix" things then what do you do - live in an unfulfilling marriage or face the inevitable and end things and commit adultery, which isn't really fair for me to be labeled as such when I didn't bring this on. How will God feel about this? That whole scenerio just really bothers me.

I fight this a lot in our church, people who are defeated before they begin....I can't reconcile because it won't be accepted....we can't confront those that hurt us because it won't go well....we can't ask the leadership to stand on the word of God because they won't....what did David say when standing before Goliath? Did he say, what if this fails? What if God doesn't deliver?

Here's my advice, trust God that He doesn't want your marriage to end, put everything you have into preventing it from ending and deal with the other questions if and when they come. Honestly, I'm not sure you have time or strength to waste on the what if's when the things you can do now are sitting right in front of you. Start with the things you can do, deal when they come, if they ever do

May you have eyes to see what God needs you to do. Grace to do the things asked of you. May your have a clear vision of what God wants for you.

 

[ex-pat]

He did mention that his travels have changed him, meaning, he travels to third world countries and has seen how they lived. Things we were once into (our cars, racing) don't interest him as much anymore. I can understand that but not quite sure what that has to do with us? If anything, you'd think he'd appreciate things (me?) more. He also feels a ton of guilt for moving us 5 years ago (we've since moved back "home"). He mentioned that repeatedly. I have moved on from that whole disaster and apparently he hasn't or still feels some guilt about it.

Is it possible that the feelings he gets when he sees those third world countries, and then sees the materialism of "home" that he's feeling somewhat shallow and uneasy with his current lifestyle, which then extends to you, as part of that lifestyle, and makes your marriage a "problem" because when he comes home, he doesn't feel "good" anymore, but still has that residual guilt, without recognizing it as guilt? Is his expression of the guilt he felt for your "disastrous" move keeping him from suggesting some lifestyle changes that might make him happier, such as less flashy cars, a smaller house, or wanting to do something that gives back to the community, but he's afraid to formulate a plan, let alone articulate it to you, in case it's a "disaster" again? It may be that he's afraid to say what he would like, in case you remind him of the previous move. It may be that even if you DON'T remind him of what a disaster the last plan was, HE feels that shame keenly, and so will not dare to put himself in a place where your marriage can REALLY be stressed due to something he caused (again).

Also, if he doesn't like his job, what about it doesn't he like? Why does he keep doing that work, if he doesn't like it? Is it to support a lavish (compared to third world) lifestyle? Does he think you'd not support a career change? Talk about feelings about things, rather than facts. What makes him feel good about the job, and feel good about your marriage? What makes him FEEL bad about the job, and feel bad about the marriage? Remember that his feelings are his feelings, and allow him to say what he wants, without defensive speech. Hug him afterward, and thank him for telling you...but if you feel his feelings are not in line with reality (for instance, if he says you still blame him for moving when you don't, say that you'd like him to know that you no longer feel that way, and ask him what you do or say that make him think you still blame him. LISTEN, without defending yourself...honestly ask if you do these things...(like laughingly referring to the old move as "a disaster" when talking to friends)...and then tell him you did not realize this hurt him, and tell him you'll make an effort to change things. Thank him for telling you!!!! This may sound simple, but it's simply opening lines of communication, and if you can do it with little things, it will make it easier to talk out the big things before they change your life without you knowing what happened.

One wild shot in the dark more....he travels...does he watch porn in all those hotel rooms? That, combined with his absence, can make it seem like he's in a dissatisfying marriage.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Quotes of Oblivious
- intimacy is gone and my DH is very consumed with work - he has always traveled for work but with his new job he's gone about 80% of the time

He is clearly not happy now. His work is all consuming of him and he finally admitted to me that he does not like his new job, which I have deduced was the case. As I have mentioned earlier in this thread when we talked he kept bringing up our move 5 years ago (which was work related). I think he feels a great deal of guilt about that and things really haven't been the same since then,

After your last response to me I see that his job is defiantly one of the main reasons that “his feeling have changed”. Spending 80% of your time in an all consuming job that you do not like is a real joy killer.


I hope that is the only reason as that can be fixed!

 

[Oblivious]

Is it possible that the feelings he gets when he sees those third world countries, and then sees the materialism of "home" that he's feeling somewhat shallow and uneasy with his current lifestyle, which then extends to you, as part of that lifestyle, and makes your marriage a "problem" because when he comes home, he doesn't feel "good" anymore, but still has that residual guilt, without recognizing it as guilt? Is his expression of the guilt he felt for your "disastrous" move keeping him from suggesting some lifestyle changes that might make him happier, such as less flashy cars, a smaller house, or wanting to do something that gives back to the community, but he's afraid to formulate a plan, let alone articulate it to you, in case it's a "disaster" again? It may be that he's afraid to say what he would like, in case you remind him of the previous move. It may be that even if you DON'T remind him of what a disaster the last plan was, HE feels that shame keenly, and so will not dare to put himself in a place where your marriage can REALLY be stressed due to something he caused (again).

Also, if he doesn't like his job, what about it doesn't he like? Why does he keep doing that work, if he doesn't like it? Is it to support a lavish (compared to third world) lifestyle? Does he think you'd not support a career change?

Thank you for the response. That's a very interesting way of looking at the situation. The thing is, honestly, he's never been happy at any job he's had. He's gotten everything he's wanted as far as promotions/job titles short of becoming a VP of a company (which I'm sure still wouldn't make him happy...). He's a hard worker and he deserves the recognition he has received. But he needs to learn the balance between career and life. That balance is so off at the moment I don't know if it will ever be right.

As far as lifestyle and careers, I've been very, VERY understanding and supportive of such. The things that I've tolerated I believe most would not have done so and most probably would have bailed on him. So yes, maybe he is afraid to say something because he probably knows I've about reached my limit of patience with his career.

As far as the new job he doesn't like the constant travel for one. With this economy, a career change would be highly unlikely, especially being how specialized what he does is. So, unfortunately, things aren't so easy as him finding a job he likes, even if it's for less $ and living happily ever after.

One wild shot in the dark more....he travels...does he watch porn in all those hotel rooms? That, combined with his absence, can make it seem like he's in a dissatisfying marriage.

Not likely. He's never had ANY interest in such. I'm not there 24/7 obviously, but I'm not going to become the paranoid, snooping wife. Maybe I'm naive and a fool. If a suspected something like this, I'll ask. He's always been honest so I just have to trust his word.

 

[Oblivious]

After your last response to me I see that his job is defiantly one of the main reasons that “his feeling have changed”. Spending 80% of your time in an all consuming job that you do not like is a real joy killer.

I agree.


[quote=sdmsanjose]

I hope that is the only reason as that can be fixed!
[/quote]

I hope so.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Oblivious, have you all been able to talk any more about what he feels is lacking (for want of a better word) and how it can be addressed as a couple?

I've kept you in my prayers.

 

[mkgal1]

The thing is, honestly, he's never been happy at any job he's had. He's gotten everything he's wanted as far as promotions/job titles short of becoming a VP of a company (which I'm sure still wouldn't make him happy...).

The things that I've tolerated I believe most would not have done so and probably would have bailed on him.

So, he has a supportive & encouraging wife that sounds very easy (and enjoyable) to live with. Great job(s) throughout his life.....but, he grows discontent.

It sort of sounds like Solomon and his search for fulfillment. Do you think it could be a spiritual issue? That he may lack a complete relationship with God; knowing "of" God...but, not really knowing Him as you would someone that you have an intimate relationship with? That he may lack an actual purpose for each day and feel that he is being dragged through by other's expectations of him (his job)?

This is from an article on Covenant Keepers website:

Falling out of love with the Lord is usually the main reason why problems occur in your life, which includes your marriage. It’s really a simple equation. An intense and passionate love for God will promote an intense passionate love for others.

 

[dorig59]

Thank you for the response. That's a very interesting way of looking at the situation. The thing is, honestly, he's never been happy at any job he's had. He's gotten everything he's wanted as far as promotions/job titles short of becoming a VP of a company (which I'm sure still wouldn't make him happy...). He's a hard worker and he deserves the recognition he has received. But he needs to learn the balance between career and life. That balance is so off at the moment I don't know if it will ever be right.

As far as lifestyle and careers, I've been very, VERY understanding and supportive of such. The things that I've tolerated I believe most would not have done so and most probably would have bailed on him. So yes, maybe he is afraid to say something because he probably knows I've about reached my limit of patience with his career.

As far as the new job he doesn't like the constant travel for one. With this economy, a career change would be highly unlikely, especially being how specialized what he does is. So, unfortunately, things aren't so easy as him finding a job he likes, even if it's for less $ and living happily ever after.



Not likely. He's never had ANY interest in such. I'm not there 24/7 obviously, but I'm not going to become the paranoid, snooping wife. Maybe I'm naive and a fool. If a suspected something like this, I'll ask. He's always been honest so I just have to trust his word.

So I hope you see that from everything you've written here that it most certainly is not your fault. He is a dissatisfied, unfulfilled person and you are NOT the cause. You have been more than accomodating in making his life as easy as possible.

Situational things like his job, IMO, are not the problem here. Many of us have jobs we hate or that are a huge drag at least some of the time. Many of us work very long hours and/or have to travel.

And if you really don't believe he's into porn, then that's fine. But I would not be above "snooping" if I felt the situation warranted it.

He needs to get his life right with the Lord because that is the ONLY place where any of us can find true fulfillment and happiness.

 

[Oblivious]

Oblivious, have you all been able to talk any more about what he feels is lacking (for want of a better word) and how it can be addressed as a couple?

No. He was traveling all week except for Saturday and I had an obligation that day and wasn't home. <sigh> He's gone this week too but he have plans this weekend so hopefully the opportunity will present itself.

I've kept you in my prayers.

Thank you very much.

 

[Oblivious]

So I hope you see that from everything you've written here that it most certainly is not your fault. He is a dissatisfied, unfulfilled person and you are NOT the cause. You have been more than accomodating in making his life as easy as possible.

Thank you for saying that. I kind of wish it was my fault, then at least I could fix things.

Situational things like his job, IMO, are not the problem here. Many of us have jobs we hate or that are a huge drag at least some of the time. Many of us work very long hours and/or have to travel.

Yes, I'm not too jazzed about my current job, but hey, no complaints in this economy - I'm just happy to be employed.

He needs to get his life right with the Lord because that is the ONLY place where any of us can find true fulfillment and happiness.

We both probably need help in that department. I'm trying but it's I struggle at times.

 

[ex-pat]

I hope things will work out for you both. My prayers for you!