Husband hasn't worked in more than 5 years. =(

[mizhop]

If you look hard enough, you can find something that supports your "cause" so to speak. That can lead to dangerous thinking and blow things to a larger proportion than they really are sometimes.

Oh yes, this is certainly a thing I'm always wary of, kind of along the lines of making statistics say what you want them to say. Desiring to have quotes to prove a point can be conflicting on certain subjects, even quotes from the Bible.

Mizhop, you describe your husband as a man of character. Losing one's job is a huge blow to a man of character. It cuts deeply. And the prospect of a job search--and the likelihood of frequent rejection along the way--is paralyzing for a man, even years later. It takes a lot of mental energy to get "back in the saddle."

And you are NOT gong to solve your husband's insecurity about work by destroying his security at home.

This board is littered with stories of women who tried (and are still trying) to fix their husbands' job or money problems by nagging, yelling, making threats, and taking control of the finances away. The next one it works for will be the first.

Your husband's motivation is going to have to come from inside. The best thing you can do for him is to show him unconditional respect at home--show him he has value, that he is capable, and that you will stand by him through whatever rejection he faces. Prayer is also vital: God can help heal his wounds better than anyone or anything else.

As for the blog you posted: it's outright heresy. Keep your ears closed to the pro-divorce heretics. They're only out to add people to their bitter ranks because misery loves company.

Thank you for your thoughts, Thom, I had hoped to hear from a man on this subject. I can attest with all honesty that I've done nothing but support him even before I married him. I fully expected he would have found work imminently, but that day never came. I have not once nagged or have otherwise griped or been shrewish in any way where it concerns his finding work, which is why we discussed his going to college.

Never would I destroy his sense of security here at home. This was his house before I came here, and it will always be his (though it certainly looks quite a bit different now than before I came). We never fight, and the few heated discussions we've ever had are always about money. I would not DREAM of emasculating him with talk about my taking over the house or such things because I'm the only one working (in front of his friends or otherwise), though I have requested several times during rough patches that he do something to help. It makes no difference.

I'm not poo-pooing your words on a man's ego when he has lost a job, but at some point (hopefully fewer than 5 years go by) that has to be put aside to support a wife that desperately needs his help. I am as devoted a wife as I can possibly strive for, never ONCE "nagging, yelling, making threats or threatening to take finances away", and have only today given him "incentive" to do something in the 11 years we have been together, because no amount of crying, begging and pleading seemed to work.

I'll do anything I possibly can to support my husband. I hope he will support me too.

 

[Mayzoo]

Thank you again c1ners, for your understanding and prayers!

I just came across an interesting blog along these lines (on christianblogs), and this one post jumped out at me. What do you think?

"Divorce is the product of a broken covenant. If the covenant is broken, why stay? Paul wrote that if two can not get along, go your separate ways. The choice is yours. Yes, God hates divorce, however, also know, immorality takes many forms besides adultry. A man is to love his wife as Christ loves the church and was willing to give his life for her. If he isn't willing to provide for his wife, he won't be willing to lay down his life for her either. A godly man follows Christ's example through the Word. Emotional abuse is just as dibilitating as physical. Read Malichi 2:13-16. The word treacherously is used 3 times. To God, the attitude of indifference to marriage vows AND duties are actions of a traitor."

I'm not ignoring, of course, all the posts about divorce being against Gods will, (and I certainly do not want it either) but found this particular post an interesting read, to be sure. Very compelling.

I will pray for your situation .

In what verse does Paul write "if two can not get along, go your separate ways"? Was he speaking of a marriage or just two friends? I do not want to debate this or anything, but I am curious as to what verse this blog is referencing as saying this so I can go look it up myself. Thanks

 

[dayhiker]

Thought I'd add a note.
Ya, 5 yrs not working ... that's being lazy in my book.
Even going to school part time he should have been out there getting a part time job. I think its gerat you lost it adn told him he'd better get a job our your out of there. He needed a wake up call. Probably should have had it 3 yrs ago.

Was curious as to what he's majoring in college?

 

[NvxiaLee]

About how old is this man? I think in most cases, college is a waste of time and money for anyone not college age. If he's middle-aged, it's very hard for a man without recent work history to get a job, and what he does get will be humiliating to him (if it's a non-skilled job).

The high unemployment rate makes things worse. Unemployment is over 9% and that's only counting the people actively looking for work, not the people who have given up.

If he's 20-something, he is lazy. If he's beyond that, he's in a bad circumstance.

 

[JaneFW]

About how old is this man? I think in most cases, college is a waste of time and money for anyone not college age.

I heartily disagree. My husband got his undergraduate degree and is working on his Master's degree. He is 42. I am working on my (second) degree, and I am 48. There's no wasting of time going on. It's a positive all the way around.

 

[dallasapple]

If he's middle-aged, it's very hard for a man without recent work history to get a job, and what he does get will be humiliating to him (if it's a non-skilled job).

I wanted to touch on this too...So what if its "very hard"?A lot of things are "very hard" but how would or should that translate to doing nothing which is "very easy"?And anyone can do.

And you have no way of knowing that he will get a job thats humiliating to him..and besides that ..as far as Im concerned its by far more dignified and "less humiliating" to be WORKING than it is to be sitting around saying "but its HARD to get a job"..and to allow your wife to be under the pressure and the stress to a point of depression while you sit around not even attempting to get jobs that aren't "good enough" for you .

In their circumstances ANY job (thats legal) is more honorable and should be "less humiliating' than letting his wife collapse under the pressure of carrying the whole financial burden.

Dallas

 

[Romanseight2005]

I wanted to touch on this too...So what if is "very hard"?A lot of things are "very hard" but how would or should that translate to doing nothing which is "very easy"?And anyone can do.

And you have no way of knowing that he will get a job thats humiliating to him..and besdies that ..as far as Im concerned its by far more dignified and "less humiliating" to be WORKING than it is to be sitting around saying "but its HARD to get a job"..and to allow your wife to be under the pressure and the stress to a point of depression while you sit around not even attempting to get jobs that aren't "good enough" for you .

In their circumstances ANY job (thats legal) is more honorable and should be "less humiliating' than letting his wife collapse under the pressure of carrying the whole financial burden.

Dallas

Exactly!! Not working has to be humiliating. Shoveling cow poop would be far more dignified, than just doing nothing, and watching the wife collapse under the pressure. Also, finding humiliating work, means that work is to be found.

 

[citizenthom]

I wanted to touch on this too...So what if its "very hard"?A lot of things are "very hard" but how would or should that translate to doing nothing which is "very easy"?And anyone can do.

Nobody's arguing he shouldn't try; the men here are just trying to communicate the likely reasons he has not yet and the emotional state he is in.

 

[dallasapple]

Nobody's arguing he shouldn't try; the men here are just trying to communicate the likely reasons he has not yet and the emotional state he is in.

First of all I wasnt responding to you I was responding to the poster saying "its very hard" and that he will most most likely end up with a job thats "humiliating.

2nd of all I will respond to your earlier post and say that after FIVE YEARS of unemplyment I think thats about enough time to talk about "reasons" he hasnt got a job yet and face the fact that its WRONG regardless what the reasons are and thats why she shoudlnt be expected to stay ANOTHER 5 years for the same reasons and bare the stresses and the burdens alone in an effort to protect his "fragile ego" any longer.

And it seems clear to me that there was no indication whatsoever that she is nagging..yelling..threatening to take over the finances(well actually she HAS taken over the finances in the sense she IS the sole financial provider... why isnt that considered "mean" too?)...or that she needs a lesson in how to show him "respect" unconditionally...You are talking about FIVE years and it seems this started from the beginning of the marriage..Shes obviously still there a lot of women wouldnt have "nagged and yelled "for five years they would left him already...thats why I dont get why you seem to think SHE is the one that needs some sort of "lecture" on how to treat this situation..when the bottom line its time for him to get a JOB!

Dallas

 

[NvxiaLee]

I heartily disagree. My husband got his undergraduate degree and is working on his Master's degree. He is 42. I am working on my (second) degree, and I am 48. There's no wasting of time going on. It's a positive all the way around.

Obviously, you do disagree if you and your husband are spending time and someone's money in school. But, until the two of you graduate and get to use those degrees to significantly improve your employment situation, you haven't shown that it's not a waste of time and money.

 

[NvxiaLee]

And you have no way of knowing that he will get a job thats humiliating to him..and besides that ..as far as Im concerned its by far more dignified and "less humiliating" to be WORKING than it is to be sitting around saying "but its HARD to get a job"..and to allow your wife to be under the pressure and the stress to a point of depression while you sit around not even attempting to get jobs that aren't "good enough" for you .

I'm not defending five years of unemployment, only pointing out that it's not just laziness. Being unemployed is humiliating, but working at McDonald's is even more so (someone middle-age with a boss potentially half his age). If you're not working, few people know about it. If you're at McDonald's, everyone knows about it.

And, even if McDonald's needed someone, they probably wouldn't hire him. It's discouraging to be turned down for a job that would be humiliating.

It's easy for people to talk who have had constant work, at a job they like, all their adult life. It's also easier for women who can just let people assume that they stayed home to raise some children. It's easier for women who are not so expected to be the big bread winner, but maybe just doing a part-time job while their kids are at school. It's easier for women because they get "affirmative action", any place with less than 50% women is looking to hire women, but no the other way around.

I wonder how people get so far in life without employable skills. But, if he doesn't have any, this guy needs to do is get some education other than college, to give himself a skill. For example, he could learn about heating and air conditioning, and get a job in HVAC installation and repair. He needs to get his butt out of college, which probably just serves as an excuse to not try so hard to get a job.

 

[highlife]

Why isent he going to school full time, if he is unemployed he should be taking at least 12-14 credit hours. Maybe he needs to major in something like engineering, I have been seeing job openings in Alaska and North Dakota for engineers, I have had like 3 offers this year and im only casually looking since I already have a job. It was pretty rough in 09 but things are picking back up for skilled positions, I have seen middle age men that were mechanics get a degree in mechanical engineering and started entry level engineering positions in their early 40's, I knew a guy that worked next to me as an entry level engineer 3 or 4 years ago and he was 40ish.

 

[dallasapple]

I'm not defending five years of unemployment, only pointing out that it's not just laziness. Being unemployed is humiliating, but working at McDonald's is even more so (someone middle-age with a boss potentially half his age). If you're not working, few people know about it. If you're at McDonald's, everyone knows about it.

Well its humiliating to be MARRIED to a man that cares more about his "pride" than her and is willing for her to be run into the ground trying to tow the line so he doesnt have to "embarrass" himself..besides that..if you live in a decent size city there are more entry level jobs to be had than at MCDONALDS!..You can even get a nightshift job in the warehouse section of a Wal-Mart or a Target or some local grocer like Tom Thumb or Kroger and no one will ever even see you ...

Dallas

 

[NvxiaLee]

Well its humiliating to be MARRIED to a man that cares more about his "pride" than her and is willing for her to be run into the ground trying to tow the line so he doesnt have to "embarrass" himself..besides that..if you live in a decent size city there are more entry level jobs to be had than at MCDONALDS!..You can even get a nightshift job in the warehouse section of a Wal-Mart or a Target or some local grocer like Tom Thumb or Kroger and no one will ever even see you ...

You're completely right.

 

[Romanseight2005]

I'm not defending five years of unemployment, only pointing out that it's not just laziness. Being unemployed is humiliating, but working at McDonald's is even more so (someone middle-age with a boss potentially half his age). If you're not working, few people know about it. If you're at McDonald's, everyone knows about it.

And, even if McDonald's needed someone, they probably wouldn't hire him. It's discouraging to be turned down for a job that would be humiliating.

It's easy for people to talk who have had constant work, at a job they like, all their adult life. It's also easier for women who can just let people assume that they stayed home to raise some children. It's easier for women who are not so expected to be the big bread winner, but maybe just doing a part-time job while their kids are at school. It's easier for women because they get "affirmative action", any place with less than 50% women is looking to hire women, but no the other way around.

I wonder how people get so far in life without employable skills. But, if he doesn't have any, this guy needs to do is get some education other than college, to give himself a skill. For example, he could learn about heating and air conditioning, and get a job in HVAC installation and repair. He needs to get his butt out of college, which probably just serves as an excuse to not try so hard to get a job.

I can't speak for Dallas, but I really don't think that she was saying that we shouldn't have compassion for someone middle-aged who's having trouble finding a job, especially in this market. She was specifically speaking about the OP's situation, in which case, whether he's middle-aged or not, it sounds like he has frankly, run out of excuses.

I guess to me, he just sounds too much like my bil. He is dead now, but he got married in his 30's to my sister. He worked, and had a good job, until he married my sister. From that point on,he never worked a regular job again. He would fix things for people sometimes, but that's about it. My sister worked, paid his child support, and for last years of his life, they both lived with my parents. He was able bodied, with skills, yet he didn't even look for jobs. There is a huge difference between someone who is pounding the pavement so to speak, and someone who just doesn't seem to want to work.

 

[dallasapple]

I can't speak for Dallas, but I really don't think that she was saying that we shouldn't have compassion for someone middle-aged who's having trouble finding a job, especially in this market. She was specifically speaking about the OP's situation, in which case, whether he's middle-aged or not, it sounds like he has frankly, run out of excuses.

I guess to me, he just sounds too much like my bil. He is dead now, but he got married in his 30's to my sister. He worked, and had a good job, until he married my sister. From that point on,he never worked a regular job again. He would fix things for people sometimes, but that's about it. My sister worked, paid his child support, and for last years of his life, they both lived with my parents. He was able bodied, with skills, yet he didn't even look for jobs. There is a huge difference between someone who is pounding the pavement so to speak, and someone who just doesn't seem to want to work.

I agree..hes able bodied enough to go to school "part time" and get his associates..So I wont beleive that for the past five years he could not have found a job doing SOMETHING besides a drive through teller at Mcdonalds even if it was not a lot more than minumum wage.It reaches a point that his ego has to take second place over exausting his wife and letting her have to suck out of her retirement funds.

The thing is as I mentioned..his ego wouldnt have anything to do with it if he had to support HIMSELF..IOW if he wasnt married he would HAVE to get a job.

Dallas

 

[Romanseight2005]

Well its humiliating to be MARRIED to a man that cares more about his "pride" than her and is willing for her to be run into the ground trying to tow the line so he doesnt have to "embarrass" himself..besides that..if you live in a decent size city there are more entry level jobs to be had than at MCDONALDS!..You can even get a nightshift job in the warehouse section of a Wal-Mart or a Target or some local grocer like Tom Thumb or Kroger and no one will ever even see you ...

Dallas

Thom Thumb would be an excellent place to work!! You would already be in the best place if there was a tornado warning!

 

[highlife]

I remember when I was in college and I was trying to apply for a truck unloader job at a grocery store and they said that was a promoted position within the grocers union and that I had to be a bag boy, sorry not going to bag groceries as a 3rd year chemical engineering major. They need to let mentally handicaped people bag groceries and take your order at mcdonalds and let able bodied people unload trucks or stock or work in the back ground. I eventually found a job at a liquor store and while its still clerking it felt more respectable, I felt like I was able to connect with the clientell much better than at some place like mcdonalds.

 

[Romanseight2005]

But Highlife, if you were living off of your wife, who was getting burned out, and you were not on your way to getting a degree that would practically ensure you a job when you finished, you simply would not have the right to that kind of pride that you are talking about. There really does come a time, when pride has to take a backseat.

 

[highlife]

But Highlife, if you were living off of your wife, who was getting burned out, and you were not on your way to getting a degree that would practically ensure you a job when you finished, you simply would not have the right to that kind of pride that you are talking about. There really does come a time, when pride has to take a backseat.

Yea thats true, you better believe that I would be working to find a new job while I worked at mcdonalds though, even if it was a liquor store. If I were laid off the first thing I would do is get rid of the condo and find a place with cheap rent that we could afford on my wifes salery and get a job ASAP so neither of us cut into our savings, outside of the condo and the bills associated with the condo neither of us have any debt or bills other than car insurance and I have a 100$ student loan payment. The conundrom comes if he gets a job out of state and wants her to move with him, how would she feel about that (the OP that is), I think some women get too rooted down to a physical location and it ties their husbands hands, I would feel pretty resentful if I were forced to work clerking when I had the potential to make alot more and be more respected but would have to leave the area, I am not sure if there is an element of that going on here, since he does not even have an associates yet I doubt it but you want to make sure.