Struggling with how to deal with people.

[_GodIsGreat_]

Ever since becoming a Christian, one thing has been plaguing my mind: people.
I am tired of all the nasty, selfish, and abusive people out there. The thing is, I don't know how to deal with them.
I have a 'friend' that I met through the Christian Club at school. She invited me to her church (which I have been going to steadily for a month), and we seemed to get along great. I try hard to be a good friend to her: I am reliable, encouraging, supportive of her, and I try my best to give. Yesterday I texted her before church around 9. No answer. Later that evening I texted her asking if she was okay, and no answer. Now it is 1 PM the next day, and still, no answer.
This behavior doesn't fly with me, and she has done this before. The last time she did it, she ignored me for three whole days. When I asked her about it, she gave me a flimsy excuse. Me being my new Christian self, although I was angry, I thought, "I should forgive." So I let it slide.
When I was younger, I had friends like this. I had friends that I gave and gave and gave to, and all they did in return was treat me like crap. I thought, "If I'm a good friend, they will be a good friend in return. If I am nice, people will be nice back. I should sacrifice for my friends."
After years of friendship with these people, I felt depleted. I was not happy and I had very low self-worth. As a result, I became very closed off from people. I shut myself away, afraid of being hurt. In many ways, I became the opposite of what God wanted me to be: a loving person. I saw how being around people who hurt me turned me into a worse person.
When people hurt me, my original mind has two options: hurt them back or move on. But reading the Bible and listening to other Christians speak, that doesn't seem to be the right way. I hear concepts of forgiveness and enduring hardship, etc. but I don't know how to apply them. I don't know if I should apply them to these situations.
I am just so confused on how to deal with people who hurt me.
What should I do in this situation and similar situations?

Thanks.

 

[Sketcher]

You don't hurt them back, but if this is a pattern of behavior, the loving thing to do is to not enable it.

Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend wrote a book called "Boundaries" to help draw lines on this sort of behavior, and various spin-offs have been written for dealing with friends, spouses, kids, etc. They are Christians and professional counselors. Like any book you read for help, you should square what it says with Scripture, and if you cannot, Scripture is right. But I'm not recalling a single verse in Scripture that tells people to enable behavior like this. This is either going to be dealt with as a small thing or as a big thing. Better to properly deal with it when it's relatively small for the sake of the church and those who will be close to her in the future (such as any family she might have someday).

Any advice you take will need to square with the following:

“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector." - Matthew 18:15-17

"Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted." - Galatians 6:1 (the temptation here is not just what the person was doing, but other sins as well such as arrogance)

 

[LilLamb219]

Does she text other people back during these periods of silence? Does her phone stop working some times (ours don't always work)? Does she some times like time away from technology?

I think you might be taking it too personally that she did not text you back in the time that you wanted. You're letting it bother you way too much.

 

[paul1149]

You should forgive, but that does not mean you must remain close to someone who acts erratically. If you can help them, fine. But many times people have to come along at their own pace, according to their own willingness. I would lighten up and look for other friends to fill the gap. As you said, you became depleted the last time you held on to people who by their actions showed they were not terribly good friends.

Consider these things in light of the freedom we have in Christ, such as Paul speaks of in Galatians 5.1. God does not want you bound by anything, except love unfeigned for Him. Love for others will flow from that, but it's a love that liberates rather than enslaves, because we derive our identity and fulfillment from Him first.

 

[SoldierOfSoul]

I think you are overreacting to the whole situation, I work a lot and when I'm off I like to keep my phone off as well. Plus you said you sent her a text before church, didn't you see her at church an hour later? Maybe she was just busy getting ready, eating breakfast, waking up and expected to see you in a hour anyway...friendships are important, but you cannot realistically expect someone to be on call 24/7, this is just not rational. I'm sure she likes you and wants to be your friend but you need to chill a bit.

In love, SoS

 

[thesunisout]

Here are some scriptures which apply:

Leviticus 19:18 Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself:

Mark 12:28 And one of the scribes came, and having heard them reasoning together, and perceiving that he had answered them well, asked him, Which is the first commandment of all?
29 And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord:
30 And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment.
31 And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these.

Matthew 18:21-22

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"

Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

John 4:20

If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.

Matthew 5:44-48

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that?

And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

Hope that clears it up for you. God bless.

Ever since becoming a Christian, one thing has been plaguing my mind: people.
I am tired of all the nasty, selfish, and abusive people out there. The thing is, I don't know how to deal with them.
I have a 'friend' that I met through the Christian Club at school. She invited me to her church (which I have been going to steadily for a month), and we seemed to get along great. I try hard to be a good friend to her: I am reliable, encouraging, supportive of her, and I try my best to give. Yesterday I texted her before church around 9. No answer. Later that evening I texted her asking if she was okay, and no answer. Now it is 1 PM the next day, and still, no answer.
This behavior doesn't fly with me, and she has done this before. The last time she did it, she ignored me for three whole days. When I asked her about it, she gave me a flimsy excuse. Me being my new Christian self, although I was angry, I thought, "I should forgive." So I let it slide.
When I was younger, I had friends like this. I had friends that I gave and gave and gave to, and all they did in return was treat me like crap. I thought, "If I'm a good friend, they will be a good friend in return. If I am nice, people will be nice back. I should sacrifice for my friends."
After years of friendship with these people, I felt depleted. I was not happy and I had very low self-worth. As a result, I became very closed off from people. I shut myself away, afraid of being hurt. In many ways, I became the opposite of what God wanted me to be: a loving person. I saw how being around people who hurt me turned me into a worse person.
When people hurt me, my original mind has two options: hurt them back or move on. But reading the Bible and listening to other Christians speak, that doesn't seem to be the right way. I hear concepts of forgiveness and enduring hardship, etc. but I don't know how to apply them. I don't know if I should apply them to these situations.
I am just so confused on how to deal with people who hurt me.
What should I do in this situation and similar situations?

Thanks.

 

[_GodIsGreat_]

Does she text other people back during these periods of silence? Does her phone stop working some times (ours don't always work)? Does she some times like time away from technology?

I think you might be taking it too personally that she did not text you back in the time that you wanted. You're letting it bother you way too much.

She is always on her phone. I have been with her on Sundays, and she is always on her phone. (To the poster who asked, no, she did not come to church on Sunday).

I don't understand the thinking of people. I can't imagine calling someone a friend and then turning around and ignoring them. If this is how people treat their friends, I feel very sorry for them.

 

[SoldierOfSoul]

She is always on her phone. I have been with her on Sundays, and she is always on her phone. (To the poster who asked, no, she did not come to church on Sunday).

I don't understand the thinking of people. I can't imagine calling someone a friend and then turning around and ignoring them. If this is how people treat their friends, I feel very sorry for them.

She sounds very immature, so again don't take it personally just consider the source (her immaturity) and move on.

 

[_GodIsGreat_]

She sounds very immature, so again don't take it personally just consider the source (her immaturity) and move on.

Agreed, and I will. I'm still going to church faithfully because I'm there for God above all else.
(BTW, I called her last night, and she basically lied (again), telling me that she had seen my first text and just forgot about it. That doesn't explain why she never answered my second text. Considering that I sounded worried about her in my second text, it's pretty sad that she left me feeling worried.)
It's just a shame that people think this behavior is okay, especially from a 'friend'. I pity those people.

 

[salida]

I would get better friends who treat you with respect in most cases. I have 5 good christian friends who treat me with respect-they do exist. Pray and ask God for better friends. Keep the ones you have but keep your distance if they upset you and pray for them.

 

[_GodIsGreat_]

I would get better friends who treat you with respect in most cases. I have 5 good christian friends who treat me with respect-they do exist. Pray and ask God for better friends. Keep the ones you have but keep your distance if they upset you and pray for them.

Thank you.

 

[LilLamb219]

Agreed, and I will. I'm still going to church faithfully because I'm there for God above all else.
(BTW, I called her last night, and she basically lied (again), telling me that she had seen my first text and just forgot about it. That doesn't explain why she never answered my second text. Considering that I sounded worried about her in my second text, it's pretty sad that she left me feeling worried.)
It's just a shame that people think this behavior is okay, especially from a 'friend'. I pity those people.

Why are you saying she lied? Maybe she did forget. She did not go to church, she could have been pretty busy when you were texting her. I still think you shouldn't take this so personally or feel that she's against you for it. You sound very young and I'm not saying that to be offensive, but older adults really don't put so much clout into how soon someone texts back. We know we have busy lives and we get back to our friends in our own time, not when we're demanded to do so.

 

[_GodIsGreat_]

Why are you saying she lied? Maybe she did forget. She did not go to church, she could have been pretty busy when you were texting her. I still think you shouldn't take this so personally or feel that she's against you for it. You sound very young and I'm not saying that to be offensive, but older adults really don't put so much clout into how soon someone texts back. We know we have busy lives and we get back to our friends in our own time, not when we're demanded to do so.

Because I can buy forgetting a text the first time, but not when someone gives you a second text.
And not when someone has done this before.
And not when I personally see her lie to people's face time and time again.
Sounds like you are in denial about her behavior. You are trying to convince me that the things that I've seen and the patterns I've witnessed are non-existent.
When, um, last time I checked, you never even met her.
I am tired of people like you giving the OFFENDER the benefit of the doubt while telling the one they're battering and bruising to shut it and stop overreacting. It's about time people start taking responsibility for their actions. And it's about time people stop punishing those who do their side of the work. I'm not here to be a human punching bag.
If you think I'm overreacting, I feel sorry for anyone who is 'friends' with you.

 

[LilLamb219]

I'm not punching you, and I'm not turning you into a further victim. I'm just trying to give you some insight as to how there are other possibilities outside of your own thoughts on why people do things that they do. Some people DO have their reasons. You may not like them and you may feel punched, pushed aside or not paid attention to. Not everyone is going to drop everything for you the moment you need it...even best friends can't always do that. You'll learn this later on as you age, dear girl. We can't rely on others to be the people we want them to be. We have to learn to tolerate the inconsiderations of others and accept that they have other things going on in their lives too that demand their attention.

I'm sorry if this sounds cruel, but you're here acting as if this friend is absolutely horrible. I'm sorry you're getting hurt by her and you feel so betrayed. But you really need to stop and consider that she could have other things going on in her life.

 

[LWB]

_GodIsGreat_, we are called to become like Christ. That means eventually attaining a love for others that does not ask for anything in return, nor measure the amount of hard work that is involved.

I have struggled loving people. Then I had an experience of unconditional love bestowed upon me, when I most definitely did not deserve it. Had I seen this love lavished upon another wretch, I would have been offended at the injustice of it. I would have grumbled and complained that it simply wasn't fair. But because the wretch was me, I could do nothing but weep with thankfulness as my heart of stone crumbled.

After this, loving others was no longer an odious duty I had to perform to avoid being sent to hell. From then on, within all the wretches that I thought were unlovable, I saw myself. I saw that loving others was meant to be a passion, like being in-love with the human race.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Becoming Christlike is something we have to learn. Be patient, and God will teach you.

 

[SanctuaryoftheGnosis]

Ephesians 4:25-28

"25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 28 Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need."

 

[If Not For Grace]

When I take a bite of food that I do not like, I politely spit it out in a napkin & discard it. I consider this neither good nor evil, just a matter of taste.

 

[thegospelisgoodnews]

Wow!

 

[LWB]

When I take a bite of food that I do not like, I politely spit it out in a napkin & discard it. I consider this neither good nor evil, just a matter of taste.

When I was a child, my mother made me eat food which at first I resisted. I remember one time she forced me to eat tomato, which I hated because of the little seeds. I also hated sultanas, and even refused cookies that contained them.

Then I grew up and realised how delicious tomatoes and sultanas were.

 

[_GodIsGreat_]

I'm not punching you, and I'm not turning you into a further victim. I'm just trying to give you some insight as to how there are other possibilities outside of your own thoughts on why people do things that they do. Some people DO have their reasons. You may not like them and you may feel punched, pushed aside or not paid attention to. Not everyone is going to drop everything for you the moment you need it...even best friends can't always do that. You'll learn this later on as you age, dear girl. We can't rely on others to be the people we want them to be. We have to learn to tolerate the inconsiderations of others and accept that they have other things going on in their lives too that demand their attention.

I'm sorry if this sounds cruel, but you're here acting as if this friend is absolutely horrible. I'm sorry you're getting hurt by her and you feel so betrayed. But you really need to stop and consider that she could have other things going on in her life.

How is it not horrible if you are deliberately ignoring someone? And how do you call that a friend?
I'm still missing the pieces to that one. You're calling me 'my dear' (all words to show some superiority), yet you're an adult and you don't know these things.....?
Sounds like you need some growing up to do.
And if you think I'm being nasty, go and blame that girl. This is what happens when people are nasty, rude, and selfish. They make other people hateful instead of what God wants us to be: loving.
This is what happens when you coddle the little offender. You are ultimately encouraging the breaking of God's commandment: Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.