In actual fact it seems you have the conundrum, not I. It is not diffucult for me or confusing. I have a peace in what I believe and perceive my God to be who is obviously a different god than the one you perceive. If you were rasied evangelical and are now athiest I can only assume you were never born of His Spirit. Because then you would know, you would not be the same. I was raised an athiest really. Never really witnessed to or told about God. Sure I had some thoughts, but they were fleeting and meaningless and did not amount to anything. But when I was 25 years old, right in the prime of my life (50 now) I had an encounter with my Creator. And now 25 years later had I not had continuos encounters with my God I would have given up along time ago, as you did. There are many questions I dont have answers for, but how can I reason away God after all He has shown and done for me. Near impossible I would say. I have made "my choice" and purposed in my heart to serve my Creator by submitting to the leading of His Spirit the best I can for the rest of my days here on earth. Really, the only fear I have is the thought of what my life would be like had I not surrendered it to God. The truth shall set you free. Who the Son has set free is free indeed. I thank my God daily and give the glory to Him for the life He has bestowed upon me. I would not exchange it for anything.