Dating people with Kids

[yam]

How do you feel about dating a person with children in your early 20s ,and how will your parents react ?

 

[Blank123]

well I'm in my mid 20s, and its getting more likely that I will meet a guy worth dating who may have a child. I doubt my parents would object as long as they knew who he was in Christ. All they want is for me to end up with a Godly man, if I choose to marry at all.

I'm probably more open to the idea too now than I was say at 20, but its something I would probably approach cautiously. I wouldn't want to meet his kid(s) and get attached unless I was certain the relationship was heading somewhere. And I'd probably be on the watch for possible drama with the mother. Not to say every single father and his kids have that drama, but it does happen. but kids alone wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I was 20 when I met my husband. He just got out of a bad marriage and had 2 little girls (he also had a son I met later from his first marriage). I immediately started helping him with his girls. BUT I really talked to my mom alot when it started getting serious, cuz I didn't want to be a wicked step-mom lol. And I prayed ALOT too. But my mom gave me the best advice ever. She said "Just remember, they are always going to be HIS kids". Sounds simple enough, but over the years I hung on those words believe me. BUT it was worth it. We were married for 25 years and now he and his previous wife have passed on, but I have a great relationship with 2 of my step children (they are all grown with kids of their own). The 3rd step child is mad at me for I don't know what. I let her and her family of 4 move in my house for about 4 months when they moved to my state. She left her husband for some guy at work after they moved out and got their own place and she hasn't talked to me since. I think she was mad that I kept talking to my son in law and saw the grandkids thru him, but she never talked to me about it, so I'm not really sure why she isn't talking to me, but I have nothing against her.
ANYWAY, bottom line is if you date someone that has kids and it gets serious just always assure the kids that you don't want to take their mom's place (that's what I told my step kids). I told them I want my own place in their heart and if I can't have that, then I want no place, but I do not want to ever take their mom's place.

 

[Inkachu]

I think early 20's is too young to be dating someone with kids. I dated a divorced guy with 3 kids when I was 20-22 years old and it was all kinds of disaster. Don't do it. Wait till you're 30 and older to mess with other peoples' kids.

 

[Rhye]

She said "Just remember, they are always going to be HIS kids".

ANYWAY, bottom line is if you date someone that has kids and it gets serious just always assure the kids that you don't want to take their mom's place (that's what I told my step kids). I told them I want my own place in their heart and if I can't have that, then I want no place, but I do not want to ever take their mom's place.

These two stood out to me.
I don't think I would ever want to take moms place, but knowing myself...I would be acting like a mom, which would I am sure get me into lots of trouble. Its just a personality trait.

I don't know honestly. I've never dated anyone with kids, so I have no experience then what I think I would be like.
I do know my parents would not really like it, but knowing my parents well enough, they grow into things. They might not completely understand but they don't completely dismiss it either.

 

[Jerlene]

I'd probably be open to it but it wouldn't be my first choice. I'm too young to get into something that serious.

 

[Inkachu]

Unless you're ready be a parent PERIOD, don't date someone with kids.

 

[Jerlene]

I think very few people were actually ready to be a parent.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

When you are in a relationship with someone and that someone has kids, then you are in a relationship with them as well. So you have to "like" the whole package of that relationship or you are just asking for trouble. I didn't know what to expect or what I would feel. And what I said about not wanting to take their mom's place would come into conversation when they were acting or saying things to make me think that they were feeling like I was overstepping their boundaries, so I wanted to assure them of my intentions, so they wouldn't feel like their relationship with their own mom would be in conflict with ours.
I am now a widow with teenagers. If I were to date, they wouldn't meet the guy until it was serious. And then, when it was serious, if they didn't like the guy, or he didn't like my kids, I would end it, cuz it wouldn't be worth sacrificing my relationship with my kids for some guy. You have to like the kids too or it will never work. JMHO

 

[janman345]

The problem is you will come second to the kids, thats not very healthy for a relationship since if you were the kids father with her it would not be that way, in that case the relationship would come before the kid (at least a healthy relationship). So the role reversal that takes place is not healthy.

 

[explodingboy]

I'm undecided on the matter, I think partially it comes allot down to custody, if they have full custody it is a different scenario than say a child sharing agreement where they're having lots of contact with the ex.

and in all honestly that is far more likely to bother me than the kids themselves.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

The problem is you will come second to the kids, thats not very healthy for a relationship since if you were the kids father with her it would not be that way, in that case the relationship would come before the kid (at least a healthy relationship). So the role reversal that takes place is not healthy.

Well that's not my experience. In fact when my step daughter was about 13 she was a real handful. We had an issue and she started screaming at me "why don't you just leave and get out of MY family!" and this was after we were married for about 14 years lol. So I told my husband about it, and he talked to her and told her that I was his wife and it was OUR family and that was how it was going to be. NOW she calls me at least once a week and is always appreciative of all I have taught her over the years. And even when my own sons would treat me bad (talking back etc) he would get right in their face and say "Hey, you are messing with my woman and she was my woman before she was your mom, and if you mess with her, your messing with me, so do you want to mess with me? and of course they would say no.
A good parent will know how to balance (and you wouldn't want to date a bad parent anyway, right) so it's really a matter if YOU can handle it, or want to. Some people don't want "other people's kids" and they (and you if you are one) shouldn't date people with kids if that's how they feel, regardless.

 

[PinkSweetart]

I don't think I could. I'm not ready to be a parent if we ever got serious. I mean, half my mind says there isn't anything wrong with it, but the other half says there might be a lot of drama because we'd be so young, and I wouldn't know how the Mother would feel about me being around thier kids.

As for my parents, I don't think they'd be happy with it at all. I think the idea wouldn't bother my mom after a while, but my dad wouldn't let it go so easily. He would have a hard time trusting the guy.

It's something I'd have to pray about if I was ever close to being in a situation like this.

 

[janman345]

Well that's not my experience. In fact when my step daughter was about 13 she was a real handful. We had an issue and she started screaming at me "why don't you just leave and get out of MY family!" and this was after we were married for about 14 years lol. So I told my husband about it, and he talked to her and told her that I was his wife and it was OUR family and that was how it was going to be. NOW she calls me at least once a week and is always appreciative of all I have taught her over the years. And even when my own sons would treat me bad (talking back etc) he would get right in their face and say "Hey, you are messing with my woman and she was my woman before she was your mom, and if you mess with her, your messing with me, so do you want to mess with me? and of course they would say no.
A good parent will know how to balance (and you wouldn't want to date a bad parent anyway, right) so it's really a matter if YOU can handle it, or want to. Some people don't want "other people's kids" and they (and you if you are one) shouldn't date people with kids if that's how they feel, regardless.

I think its typically more of an issue when its the woman with the pre-existing kids and the man is entering a relationship with her. If the man is the one with the kids then I think you are correct. In the case of a woman with kids her kids will take priority over her BF, fiance, etc. Maybe if they were to actually get married she may prioritize them equally but what guy wants to be second rate through out the dating process or even equal to her kids once married.

 

[Inkachu]

And even when my own sons would treat me bad (talking back etc) he would get right in their face and say "Hey, you are messing with my woman and she was my woman before she was your mom, and if you mess with her, your messing with me, so do you want to mess with me? and of course they would say no.

I LOVE this. That was a REAL man I love seeing husbands who make it known that their wives deserve respect and honor, but it's a rare thing.

 

[AuburnMeg]

I'm probably more open to the idea too now than I was say at 20, but its something I would probably approach cautiously. I wouldn't want to meet his kid(s) and get attached unless I was certain the relationship was heading somewhere. And I'd probably be on the watch for possible drama with the mother. Not to say every single father and his kids have that drama, but it does happen. but kids alone wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me.

This.

Having a kid(s) certainly isn't a dealbreaker for me at this point, but I would want to take things slowly for the sake of everyone involved, especially the child(ren).

 

[Wren]

I did date a guy with a child when I was in my early 20s. He was/is the same age, but had a child with a girl when they were teenagers. I liked the girl and she seemed to like me too. The mother was all about the drama, though. Of course, the father wasn't without drama himself. That was an unhealthy relationship, but not because of the child...it was the lack of maturity of the parents.

 

[MacFall]

I suppose as I get older it will become more acceptable/likely for me to date someone with a child, but for now I just don't believe I could be equally yoked with someone who has children.

 

[Blank123]

I'm not sure I follow about being equally yoked being dependent upon someone having kids. Someone having kids doesn't necessarily mean that they're not Godly people.

 

[BranwenUerchLlyr]

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