What am I supposed to do?

[Perdue]

Firstly, I'm really sorry if this is in the wrong place. Please let me know where I should post if it is.

Secondly, I'm also sorry for how long this post is likely to be. It's been a long time coming.

Some background. My mother is Catholic, my father is Protestant. Both fell out with their churches when I was born. Neither church would baptize me because of the faith the other parent held.

While my parents never took me to church, I had friends who were very deep into their faith. During High School I would pray with these friends, spend my weekends at a Christian youth group and youth church. Though I'm not sure how strong my faith ever was.

In my late teens, I remembered something that happened to me as a child. These new memories were traumatic for me, and what faith I did have was gone as a result.

Several years ago I got married to someone who is very involved in their faith, and whose family are too. They've always been very supportive of me, despite my atheism and never pushed too hard. One of the requirements of my being allowed to marry my husband in his church was that I attend bible study class. I did, and during this time went from atheist to agnostic. I came to feel that I was being very arrogant for denying the existance of any power above me in such a vast Universe.

I'm so, stuck, though. For a couple of years now I have struggled between my heart and my brain. My heart wants there to be something more, but my brain tells me it's impossible.

The only progress I've made is difficult to explain. 6 months ago, if I thought to myself "Is there a God?" my brain would immediately say "No! Of course not!". Now I am at the point where I think the same question, and I get this feeling for a moment, like I'm the calmest I've ever been... and then it's gone.

I feel like God is right within my reach but just slightly too far away to touch. I've spend years looking for a sign, but it doesn't come.

It's so frustrating. In my heart, I'm desperate for it, but I'm just not there. How will I know if I am? My husband tells me he can feel it in his heart and that's how he knows... and it upsets me that I can't.

Laying on my bed the other evening, I found myself in tears. I spoke out, though I'm not sure I believed I was speaking to anyone. I cried, and I admitted out loud that even if He does exist, I'm not even sure I can trust Him anyway after what happened to me when I was younger.

I'm sorry this is so all over the place. As I said, this has been years building up. I'm frustrated, I'm sad, I'm confused. I'm in tears just writing all this. I feel like I truly am open to this for the first time in a long time and it's just not happening. WHY!?! What am I meant to do? As if I wasn't punished enough as a child, why do I not feel like I'm not worthy and being punished all over again? I don't even know why I want to believe, my heart just aches. Maybe I'm being selfish, maybe that's why?

 

[Jakihe]

I don't think we can blame God for what happens to us. I have been through horrible things and I believe because God gave us free will that bad things are going to happen as a result. I mean, none of us is a robot, we all have free will, in my opinion, so we all think and act on our own and we sin when we don't know God. Have you called on Jesus, specifically? The Bible tells us that the only way to the Father is through the son and that there is salvation in no other name, as well. I will say a prayer for you that you find peace and being a Christian myself and knowing without a doubt that there is a God, I know you will find Him, if truth is what you seek. Bless you. <3

 

[Ih8s8n]

In my late teens, I remembered something that happened to me as a child. These new memories were traumatic for me, and what faith I did have was gone as a result.

Perdue: You didn't specifically state what your traumatic childhood experience was, but if it was some sort of abuse, especially abuse at the hands of someone who professed to be a Christian (I'm only guessing because you said that this memory took away whatever "faith" that you had), then you need to be able to differentiate between Christ and those who profess to belong to Him. There is only One Person Who is perfect and He offered Himself as a spotless sacrifice in order to make a way for you to be reconciled to God.

I feel like God is right within my reach but just slightly too far away to touch. I've spend years looking for a sign, but it doesn't come.

These words about God being "right within your reach" reminded me of the following portion of scripture, especially the part that I underlined:

"Then Paul stood in the midst of Mars' hill, and said, Ye men of Athens, I perceive that in all things ye are too superstitious. For as I passed by, and beheld your devotions, I found an altar with this inscription, TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. Whom therefore ye ignorantly worship, him declare I unto you. God that made the world and all things therein, seeing that he is Lord of heaven and earth, dwelleth not in temples made with hands; Neither is worshipped with men's hands, as though he needed any thing, seeing he giveth to all life, and breath, and all things; And hath made of one blood all nations of men for to dwell on all the face of the earth, and hath determined the times before appointed, and the bounds of their habitation; That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us: For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring. Forasmuch then as we are the offspring of God, we ought not to think that the Godhead is like unto gold, or silver, or stone, graven by art and man's device. And the times of this ignorance God winked at; but now commandeth all men everywhere to repent: Because he hath appointed a day, in which he will judge the world in righteousness by that man whom he hath ordained; whereof he hath given assurance unto all men, in that he hath raised him from the dead." (Acts 17:22-31)

God isn't that far away from you, but it is ultimately your own sin that separates you from Him and there is only One sacrifice that can ever remove such sin. God's sign to you was crucified on a cross nearly two thousand years ago. Through Christ's sacrifice on your behalf, your sins can be forgiven and you can have fellowship with God. Thanks for posting here...I'll be praying for you.

 

[Perdue]

I apologize for the (probably) defensive tone of this post. I feel defensive.

I know neither of you meant it to sound the way I took it (I would hope not anyway), but I don't think I can be blamed for the way I felt at the time. Something terrible happened and it felt like I'd be abandoned. I can't help the feelings I had.

That being said, obviously I know I can't blame God for what happened, else I wouldn't be here. If I truly believed that was the case, I would have given up hope forever, because I sure haven't forgiven what happened to me in the slightest.

Have you called on Jesus, specifically? The Bible tells us that the only way to the Father is through the son and that there is salvation in no other name, as well. I will say a prayer for you that you find peace and being a Christian myself and knowing without a doubt that there is a God, I know you will find Him, if truth is what you seek. Bless you. <3

Thank you for this. No, I haven't, and I will definitely try it. I really hope you're right. I feel defective for not being able to attain this. It feels unnatural, to feel in my heart that I want to believe but being unable to.

God isn't that far away from you, but it is ultimately your own sin that separates you from Him and there is only One sacrifice that can ever remove such sin. God's sign to you was crucified on a cross nearly two thousand years ago. Through Christ's sacrifice on your behalf, your sins can be forgiven and you can have fellowship with God. Thanks for posting here...I'll be praying for you

Thenk you, I really appreciate it.

 

[Ih8s8n]

I apologize for the (probably) defensive tone of this post. I feel defensive.

I know neither of you meant it to sound the way I took it (I would hope not anyway), but I don't think I can be blamed for the way I felt at the time. Something terrible happened and it felt like I'd be abandoned. I can't help the feelings I had.

That being said, obviously I know I can't blame God for what happened, else I wouldn't be here. If I truly believed that was the case, I would have given up hope forever, because I sure haven't forgiven what happened to me in the slightest.

Perdue: It wasn't my intention to blame you for anything that happened in your childhood. All that I was saying was that IF whatever happened to you happened at the hands of a professing Christian (I only said this because whatever happened made you lose your faith and because you mentioned the religious background of both of your parents), then you need to be able to differentiate between Christ and those who profess to belong to Him. In other words, Christ will never hurt you, but people will, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Anyhow, I will keep you in prayer. Good night.

 

[razeontherock]

I apologize for the (probably) defensive tone of this post. I feel defensive.

I can't help the feelings I had.

Just want to emphasize how important this is! Feelings don't mean diddly. In fact, the only thing you really know about emotions is they'll change. Even if you're angry directly at G-d, go ahead and blast Him with both barrels! Not only can He take it, but it would put in VERY good company; like with the person who wrote most of Psalms, King David. If you have feelings like this, you want to air them out with your Wonderful Counselor. That's how you find He's your Prince of Peace.

Please notice I'm not advocating living with an attitude like I just described, but if it's there be honest about it then put it behind you. You can do that and seek Him with your whole heart all in the same day, and find Him too. Or it might take years, but intensity is a major variable.

Oh and welcome to CF!

Ray

 

[salida]

Gods creation is evidence alone. The bible says we are without excuse just with creation, Rom 1:20.

Christian concept, Are you a good person? www.livingwaters.com/good/

I suggest you research the credibility of the bible concerning overwhelming evidence which is very high even though it&#8217;s a spiritual decision first.
Visit: www.TheBibleProofBook.com, (you will need acrobat reader for this), read The Evidence That Demands A Verdict by Josh McDowell (its overwhelming circumstantial evidence of bible) and Examine the Evidence by Muncaster a former athiest/The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel a former athiest. Christiananswers.net, www.equip.org (articles), http://www.gotquestions.org/

And visit the website Reasonable Faith-Bill Craig is a great debater and started this site, in fact Richard Dawkins the famous athiest is afraid to debate him. You have to register but its worth it if your interested.

Email me anytime.

 

[bling]

I am truly sorry you were abused as a child. That is not your fault. This world is not our home and we are only passing through. This is not the way I or God want it to be, but unfortunately the Garden type situation (a place where there are no hurting or needy people) is not a good place for humans to fulfill their earthly objective. A place where there are; tragedies, satan running around, and sins happens to be a great place for needing faith, hope and Love. We are here to experience Love, see Love, get love and give love. Godly type Love is what we are after, but that means accepting God&#8217;s Love as a free undeserving and unconditional gift (Charity).
The burden you feel right now is what you are suppose to be feeling. That burden can only be relieved by God, but that requires trusting (faith) in a Loving forgiving Creator that is personally concerned about you. To see how much God is concerned about you, just look to the cross. It is extremely hard for humans to accept charity from a giver that paid a high price for the gift, but you have definitely been humbled by your life, so you have nothing to lose in taking the next step of trusting the Creator. God wants you back and is standing next to you as a father with open arms.
If you are waiting for some magical evidence of &#8220;God&#8217;s existence&#8221; it is not going to come, since faith (trust) is all that is needed. Faith is humbling while &#8220;knowledge&#8221; is prideful, and you need to be humble before God to accept charity.

 

[crimsonleaf]

Perdue.

You mention the battle between your head and your heart. As an ex-atheist I can tell you that this is a battle you must let your heart win. I too used to see it as a weakness, and would always rationalise away the heart thing. Was I looking for an imaginary form of support? Was I going nuts? But acceptance brings about a great sense of peace, at least in my experience.

When people turn to God in times of pain an atheist will say it's a sign of weakness, that you only need yourself. A Christian will agree in part - yes, it is a sign of weakness, and a cry for help from the only one who can give it to you. And you shouldn't try to solve your own problems entirely alone.

Not for nothing do Christians call this "surrender". It tells you that a battle has been raging between your brain and your heart. Maybe your brain can win the battle, but should you let it? Let go, and grab what's on offer with both hands. Surrender and enjoy the peace. Whatever happened to you was not of God's doing, but of Man's.

 

[Perdue]

Thank you for the replies.

razeontherock -

Thank you so much for what you said. I can't even put into words how much it means to me and makes me happy, in a way. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I now feel it's acceptable to be angry and God, or to live my life in anger. I don't think that at all. But what you said was something I'd never considered before and, well, I can't even explain the feeling it gave me.

bling -

I'm definitely not waiting for evidence, not in the sense that most atheist would say "show me proof!". I am looking for internal evidence, I suppose. Maybe that is wrong? As I said, my husband tells me he has a feeling in his heart and that's how he knows God is there. I don't feel that at all.

I could sit here right now and make a decision to just believe, but it wouldn't feel right. It would feel like it wasn't truth. Am I wrong about this? Do you not feel any different when you truly believe? People who didn't believe and then came to believe usually speak of a defining moment, one that I don't feel I've had. This is so confusing to me!

crimsonleaf -

Thank you, it certainly helps to hear from an ex-atheist. Not that I'm saying others haven't given me excellent advice, they have. But you can truly understand where I'm coming from.

You're so right about the weakness thing, feeling some kind of strange pride in being self sufficient and a good person of your own volition. I think that's a thought a lot of atheists face.

Maybe I'm just failing somewhere. Failing myself, and that's why I can't get to where I want to be. Failing God and that's why he won't help me right now.

I know I keep saying it, but I just feel so frustrated right now. To spend so many years closed off, and I finally feel like I'm open to everything and it just won't happen for me.

Maybe I have it all wrong, maybe this is the final step and I'm just not seeing it. It feels, though, as if I'm not quite there yet.

I'm really sorry for all the rambling on.

 

[Jae Hwa]

Oh Perdue,when you said "... and it upsets me that I can't", I started to tear up.
My heart goes out to you, I wish I knew what to say to make your pain go away.

Faith is just another word for confidence, trust. Your husband "feels it in his heart", it means he has faith, confidence that God exists, he's confident that there is a supreme being with a divine plan and that brings him peace, it helps him cope, that is what he feels in his heart. You don't have confidence in the existance of god, and there is nothing wrong with that and that doesn't mean you can't feel peace. There is something causing you suffering though, that much is clear. I want to help you, can you answer these questions for me?

What is it that you believe?
Why is it important to you to know God?
What does God mean to you/ What is God?

Don't worry so much ok?

 

[Dragons87]

Perdue, it has for some time been my belief that before one is completely broken emotionally and mentally one cannot come to God. After all, how can a proud figure submit, and how can one who doesn't submit to God come to God?

"He who falls on this stone will be broken to pieces, but he on whom it falls will be crushed." Matthew 21:44

Falling on the rock of Christ and being broken to pieces has certainly been my experience (see my testimony in my siggy). Although my background and pathway are different from yours, I do believe that you are not far away from the kingdom of God. Let no man pressure you into believing. Remember that God is alive and active, and I am very sure that when the time is right, he will call you in the most unexpected of circumstances. Meanwhile, keep going to Bible classes, and keep asking questions! I'm sure everyone on this board are happy to offer our support and guidance. =)

 

[Perdue]

Thank you for even more amazing replies. I'm so glad I decided to finally post.

Jae Hwa -

Thank you so much, you are so sweet!

I'm not sure in which sense you mean your first question. Right now I'm not sure what I believe. These past few months, my thoughts and feelings have changed so much.

It's important for me to know God because I feel it is. I can't even explain it. I feel like there's something I'm missing. It's not because I feel like if I know Him, I can ask things of Him. It's not because I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. It's because there's a gap in me that I just have this strong feeling is meant for Him. I know this probably sounds wrong, and jumbled. I'm sure I have things wrong somewhere. Please understand though, I say what I just said from a place of not quite having faith, yet. I know that my reasons would be vastly different were I there.

God is something I can't define. Especially being in the position I'm in. Sorry, I know I'm doing a terrible job of answering these questions. It feels wrong to talk about what God is when I don't know fully know him and don't have faith.

dragons87 -

Thank you, everyone has been so helpeful so far. This has been a very positive experience for me. Unfortunately I can't see your signature, it's telling me I have not made enough posts yet.

I feel like I couldn't be more broken if I tried. I honestly worry about my feelings turning into desperation and how bad that would be. Maybe I'm already at that point and that's why I'm getting nowhere.

 

[bling]

Thank you for the replies.


bling -

I'm definitely not waiting for evidence, not in the sense that most atheist would say "show me proof!". I am looking for internal evidence, I suppose. Maybe that is wrong? As I said, my husband tells me he has a feeling in his heart and that's how he knows God is there. I don't feel that at all.

I could sit here right now and make a decision to just believe, but it wouldn't feel right. It would feel like it wasn't truth. Am I wrong about this? Do you not feel any different when you truly believe? People who didn't believe and then came to believe usually speak of a defining moment, one that I don't feel I've had. This is so confusing to me!

.

This is a little hard to explain because it has to do with our need to have faith in order to humbly accept God&#8217;s Charity in the form of forgiveness (grace/mercy/charity/Love).
Think about this: If you had knowledge that there definitely was a God would that puff you up or help you to be humble? Humility is what&#8217;s needed to accept &#8220;Charity&#8221;.
After you do become a Christian (accepted God&#8217;s forgiveness of your sins) your burden is lifted and you have this powerful Godly Love &#8230;he that is forgiven much Loves much&#8230; and God&#8217;s Spirit can come and live with you, but all that comes after humbly accepting God&#8217;s Charity, which faith (trust in God) helps you to do.

 

[Perdue]

Well, I tried, and I guess I got my answer.

If he is there, he sure doesn't want to help me to find him at all.


After my husband losing his job in March of 08, he was unemployed for 2 years. He finally found one, terrible job that he was miserable in and sent me into depression. 2 months later he found a much better temp-to-hire job and has been there a month.

Or had. They called today to tell him not to bother coming back in tomorrow.

There's nothing left now. He didn't make enough to get unemployment. Finding a job with a 2 year gap is hard enough. Now with these short term jobs on top of that, no-one will want him.

I know I can't blame these things on God. I know this won't be well received here at all... and I don't blame any of you for thinking badly of me for saying all this.

Everything's just hopeless now. Nothing good will ever be good again and I don't know what to do. I have no-on else to talk to and so I'm letting out here.


I've never felt so much despair in all my life.

 

[Dragons87]

Well, I tried, and I guess I got my answer.

If he is there, he sure doesn't want to help me to find him at all.

After my husband losing his job in March of 08, he was unemployed for 2 years. He finally found one, terrible job that he was miserable in and sent me into depression. 2 months later he found a much better temp-to-hire job and has been there a month.

Or had. They called today to tell him not to bother coming back in tomorrow.

There's nothing left now. He didn't make enough to get unemployment. Finding a job with a 2 year gap is hard enough. Now with these short term jobs on top of that, no-one will want him.

I know I can't blame these things on God. I know this won't be well received here at all... and I don't blame any of you for thinking badly of me for saying all this.

Everything's just hopeless now. Nothing good will ever be good again and I don't know what to do. I have no-on else to talk to and so I'm letting out here.


I've never felt so much despair in all my life.

My dear sister,

I don't think badly of you for complaining. However, I gently remind you that it is very, very easy to conflate difficult external circumstances with what you think God feels of you. Know that however bad your circumstances are, that is independent of how God views you. He loves you, but it doesn't mean he is going to cater for your every desire.

The children of God are not shoulders above the rest of the population; we too must experience all sorts of difficulties in life. Not only is that observable around us today, it is also very apparent in the Bible. God never says that life for his children will be without difficulties and challenges. Think about Paul, who was chained for his beliefs. Think even about Jesus, who were rejected and ultimately killed by those he loved.

No, God never promises that our lives will be a smooth journey. All he promises us is that in the rough times, he is with us, not to magically make our problems disappear, but to suffer with us, always at the ready to bless us, at the right moment in time.

Now regarding the decidedly more pressing issue, your household's financial situation, I've only got my personal opinions to make, if you allow me. Obviously I have to make some assumptions: that you are American, can access the social support system, and live in an urban or semi-urban community, but if my assumptions are incorrect please correct me, although I believe much of my comment still stands.

On British TV there is currently a documentary about how an employment agent is helping some of Britain's long-term unemployed back to work. I don't think it can be streamed from abroad, but some of the lessons there were quite insightful. Unemployment does damage self-esteem, but once you let your self-esteem go down, you become more unemployable! Eventually you get stuck in the social support system and never come back out! The programme is called "Fairy Jobmother" on Channel 4, if you want to have a look. The previous episode featured a middle-aged man who used to be a warehouse manager. He was unemployed for three years and his self-esteem was at rock bottom, especially because his wife was the sole breadwinner. But he managed to get his act together with the help of the agent (sometimes almost short of putting a boot up the guy's bottom) and managed to find a similar, warehouse management job.

Remember that when your husband or you are trying to find work, it is not God you have to face, but prospective employers. There are certain things that will please prospective employers that you and your husband must reach, for example a presentable record of previous employment and training (a CV, or resume) and a kind of character that makes you employable (e.g. able to work as a team, can communicate effectively). Does your municipal government provide some sort of careers advice? Perhaps you or your husband need to sort your or his CV out properly. Do an online search on how to write a CV and handle interviews (which are also quite important!).

Does your local paper carry a jobs section? There must be jobs available there. I'm quite sure sometimes shop fronts advertise the need for staff as well.

If you still can't find jobs, why not try work experience or volunteering? That way you are still productive and still learning and applying skills, and prospective employers don't see a large gap in your employment history. Of course that leaves bills to be paid, but that depends on what kind of, if any, benefits you are on.

I believe that sometimes worldly problems need distinctively worldly behaviour to solve: packaging and selling your skills as the employer and the economy want them. The godly bit comes in through your attitude: never despairing of hope because you know God is going to hold you, and never, in pursuit of worldly gain, compromise beliefs and standards that hold you accountable to God (e.g. lying on your CV).

Please do continue to update us of your situations. We are no professionals here, but we are always happy and willing to listen. God bless you, my dear sister.

 

[Perdue]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I really apologise for my post last night. I was so upset, I cried for 3 hours, then slept for 11. Except I woke up every 20 mins suddenly realising again that we've got nothing and panicking, then falling back to sleep again.

I'm actually from England, I've been out here 4 years now and haven't worked yet. So, my husband losing his job is just the end of us. I can't get unemployment, he won't be able to get it again. As I said, his resume now looks so terrible that no-one will want him. His confidence is now non-existent, he thinks he's a failure. No-one will want me when I've not worke in years.

I wasn't expecting to suddenly have nothing bad happen just because I was seeking Him. I know I've shown a lot of anger in this thread, and resentment. It's just difficult, to call out for someone and then have this happen. I couldn't not associate it in my head. I've never felt so hopeless in my life.

I can't believe this is happening to us again.

Maybe I need to speak to my husband and get us both to his pastor. Even if it doesn't help me, maybe it can help him. Just to stay strong and not lose all hope.

Again, I'm so sorry for venting here. I know this is not the place for it at all and I'm really sorry for upsetting anyone with my posts.

 

[Dragons87]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I really apologise for my post last night. I was so upset, I cried for 3 hours, then slept for 11. Except I woke up every 20 mins suddenly realising again that we've got nothing and panicking, then falling back to sleep again.

I'm actually from England, I've been out here 4 years now and haven't worked yet. So, my husband losing his job is just the end of us. I can't get unemployment, he won't be able to get it again. As I said, his resume now looks so terrible that no-one will want him. His confidence is now non-existent, he thinks he's a failure. No-one will want me when I've not worke in years.

I wasn't expecting to suddenly have nothing bad happen just because I was seeking Him. I know I've shown a lot of anger in this thread, and resentment. It's just difficult, to call out for someone and then have this happen. I couldn't not associate it in my head. I've never felt so hopeless in my life.

I can't believe this is happening to us again.

Maybe I need to speak to my husband and get us both to his pastor. Even if it doesn't help me, maybe it can help him. Just to stay strong and not lose all hope.

Again, I'm so sorry for venting here. I know this is not the place for it at all and I'm really sorry for upsetting anyone with my posts.

Please don't be sorry for venting here. That is what the board is for.

I think you are right in saying that confidence is the key. The world tells you that you need to have confidence in yourself, which is invariably through how many possessions you own, whether physical assets (a house, or a car) or mental ones (a couple of degrees, maybe).

But God tells you to stop having confidence in yourself, because it is futile--obviously so, as material possessions do not last. God wants us to have confidence in him, specifically, in his son Jesus Christ. Not only is God everlasting, he also loves you so much he has given up his only son to replace us on the cross. That divine love is what should give confidence to a person. As Paul says:

"If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" Romans 8:31-32

Jesus Christ himself also promised:

"Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matthew 6:33

You are right to not feel confident about yourself, because you are well aware of your own limits. But too many people stop there, or frantically try to increase their self-confidence through worldly methods (e.g. self-help books). My honest and genuine advice is for you to look towards God for your confidence.

" I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

If the Lord is the maker of heaven and earth, can he not help you?

The issue is not whether God can or cannot--he obviously has the power to. The questions are more like will he or will he not, and how will he set out to accomplish what he wills. But he will, although in his own time and in his own fashion.

'"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the Lord.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."' Isaiah 55:8-9

Sorry for bombarding you with verses, but I want to demonstrate to you that throughout the Bible God promises not to forsake people who call out for his help.

Finally, just to pick one of the many accounts in the Bible where the Lord has supplied just enough--no more, no less--to those who call for help, consider 1 Kings 17:7-16, a most beautiful story: 1 kings 17:7-16 - Passage Lookup - New International Version - BibleGateway.com.

Returning to the immediate issue of employment, I don't think anyone's CV looks too ugly for every single job in the land. The fact is that your husband has employment history. It's just a matter of presenting it properly to attract employers.

As I said, employers don't just look at the history of paid work; they also want to know whether someone is keen about work. I'm sure your husband and you are both very keen to work! But how do you show it? Well, work! Not necessarily paid work, but work experience and volunteering. These things count, and because they are not paid many firms will be happy to take them on. You are not rewarded in money, no, but you are rewarded in experience and skills. And employers like that. It's never too late to start.

Even for yourself. I don't know what qualifications or employment history you have, but many women take a career break when they have their first child. When the child is old enough (say about 4 or 5 years old), they return to work. And if they can do it, so can you.

Where there is hope, there is a way. If you put your hope to Christ, knowing that your present and future are secure in him because you know he loves you, then not only will he show you a way, but you will see the way you have been shown. Many people don't see the way and complain they haven't been shown. The two are different!

 

[bling]

Do not feel bad about your post, since we are here to serve others.
Dragon has said a lot of good stuff.[/
God has dealt with depression before and psychiatrist use this same method today. 1 king 19: 4 "I have had enough, LORD," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." 5 Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said, "Get up and eat." 6 He looked around, and there by his head was a cake of bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again. [/
7 The angel of the LORD came back a second time and touched him and said, "Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you." 8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. 9 There he went into a cave and spent the night.

Sleep, eat, sleep, eat and get some exercise. You can read on in 1 King 19 to see what follows. You need to get to work again, get with a younger stronger person that share your experience (an Elisah) to help him/her.
There are lots of people that have and are going through similar experience. We can all pray that you find a group of wonderful Christians in your area. It is unfortunate, but I seem to grow the most spiritually through tragedies and not when things are going well.

 

[Perdue]

Thank you for your replies.

It's good stuff to think about, for when (if) I'm thinking better.

I've not eaten all day, barely slept. I just feel like this is the end. Neither of us will find work and we'll be on the streets with nothing. I can't deal with this.

I've spent all day in cold sweats, cycling through 30 seconds of calm, followed by terror, fear, panic, despair, hopelessness. It's killing me. I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack.

I've spoken to my husband about seeing our pastor. We'll see what happens.

Thank you again.