Fiance Woe's

[Paladin Wiegraf]

Ever since I first met my fiance, she has always had low self esteem. She believes shes not as attractive as other women. I tell her ALL THE TIME how beautiful and wonderful she is, but it doesnt seem to help. When we went to Medieval Times for my birthday, there was another couple sitting next to us. The girl was a pretty young woman, but nothing overly special. Anyway, the Black and White knight gave her 2 flowers and the ribbon at the end of his lance. My fiance was VERY upset about that, believing it was because she was better looking. Im not sure what to do to make her feel better about herself. Does anyone have any advice? I love her more than life itself, and I hate seeing her like this.

 

[writergirl4god]

Paladin, I also have low self-esteem and feel like I'm not very pretty, so I understand your predicament. These issues often come from childhood wounds.

It's great that you affirm your fiance, but know that there is nothing you can do to make her feel better about her appearance. And there is not a person in the world who can. In time she will simply have to come to terms with herself. The best advice I ever got about appearance was to do what you can to look good - eat right and exercise, wear clothes that you like, a flattering hairstyle, make-up if you want - and then let the rest go. Some of the most beautiful people in the world are unhappy, because beauty is all they have. They're boring and vain; not people you'd really want to spend time with, let alone marry. And when they get old and beauty fades, as it does for everyone, then what are they left with? Better to spend the majority of our time focusing on things that matter, like being well-rounded and interesting, and living a life of purpose for God. When we're concentrating on those things people will be attracted to our inner beauty, and that's what really counts. For your sake, I hope that your fiancee will figure this out sooner rather than later.

 

[SionDS]

Paladin, your forum subtitle is "White Knight." rofl

What about her looks doesn't she like? If it's something you can help her change, try to help her, even if you dont think she needs it. If it's something you two can do together, like losing weight, even better.

 

[Paladin Wiegraf]

I actually got the idea to use White Knight because my favorite character in Final Fantasy Tactics is one.

She is an amazing woman. However, there is another problem. She EMPHATICALLY opposes religion of all kinds, saying that it is the cause of all the problems in this world. We actually got into an argument about it today. Its not that I have a problem with her beliefs, its that she so viciously attacks my own. That is really the only source of disagreement between us. Im not totally sure what to do.

 

[writergirl4god]

Paladin, I'm so sorry to hear that. If you're a Christian and your fiancee isn't, that IS a real problem. It's for good reason that the Bible tells us not to be unequally yoked with nonbelievers, and the argument you had tonight is probably one of them. It wil most likely be difficult throughout your life together, and especially when you have children. I hope you'll do some reading, thinking, and especially praying about this.

Praying too,
Jess

 

[MarineMarie]

Paladin it seems that there are a few things going on here. The best and most important thing to do is be supportive to her emotional needs.
Unfortunatly, most women have appearance issues. I have been to Medieval Times a few times in my day. I really enjoy that place. I do have to admit though those knights are pigs, they pick the "prettier" women rather than the loving ones. I can totally sympathize wth your fiance on this one. If appearance is such a big deal to her perhaps you should take it upon yourself to get her a gym membership and encourage her to eat right. Do these things WITH her. If she sees you doing it she may begin to start doing it and feel better about herself and more comfortable in her own skin. If the appearance issues are that simple be pro-active about the situation! If she is complaining about how her ears are to big there really isn't much you can do other than tell her you love and support her.
As far as her attacking you in regards to religion, perhaps she is sending you a hidden message, perhaps she in fact wants you to teach her how to love Christ. If you show her Christ maybe her self-esteem issues will go away and this will no longer be a source of disdain between you too.

God Bless
Marie

 

[~Lynz~]

I dont think im pretty either. every girl is pretter than me.
but i find if i make the effort as in put some make up on do my hair and feel pretty then i feel more confident. altho i do not sugest telling her "you need make up" thats grounds for a slap.

your doing the right thing. reminder her shes beautiful.
it will sink in a bit one day.

 

[SionDS]

I can totally sympathize wth your fiance on this one. If appearance is such a big deal to her perhaps you should take it upon yourself to get her a gym membership and encourage her to eat right. Do these things WITH her.

It all depends on Wiegraf's taste of course, but most guys are more accepting curves than than their girlfriend's are. I cant help but think most of the pressure a lot of lady's feel about being skinny is coming from other girls rather than guys. A lot of women have their own personal hangups about their looks that 99% of men honestly never notice, or care about.

That said, they should take into account what their SO wants. Goes for both genders really. A few years ago my gf wanted me to gain weight so I didn't look too skinny. I started lifting weights. I'm not muscular, but I'm not skinny either.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Paladin, I'm so sorry to hear that. If you're a Christian and your fiancee isn't, that IS a real problem. It's for good reason that the Bible tells us not to be unequally yoked with nonbelievers, and the argument you had tonight is probably one of them. It wil most likely be difficult throughout your life together, and especially when you have children. I hope you'll do some reading, thinking, and especially praying about this.

Praying too,
Jess

^x2

 

[MarineMarie]

Paladin

You never really elaborated on what your fiances hang-ups are. Have you helped her accept Jesus in her life yet? I honestly believe that if she accepts jesus she may start to love herself.

God Bless
Marie

 

[True_Blue]

I actually got the idea to use White Knight because my favorite character in Final Fantasy Tactics is one.

She is an amazing woman. However, there is another problem. She EMPHATICALLY opposes religion of all kinds, saying that it is the cause of all the problems in this world. We actually got into an argument about it today. Its not that I have a problem with her beliefs, its that she so viciously attacks my own. That is really the only source of disagreement between us. Im not totally sure what to do.

You will spare yourself an astounding amount of horrendous emotional trauma over a LONG period of time if you break up with her before making the mistake of marrying her. You're totally playing with fire, and God has warned you. (I know that this post won't make a bit of difference, but I pray God will have mercy on you and help bring you to a place where you can make wise decisions.)

 

[Johnnz]

You face two issues. There will be reasons behind her self abasement. They need to be addressed somehow.

Her antagonism to your beliefs is not a good sign for your future together. But sometimes anger against God masks some really bad experience that she cannot relate back to a loving God and therefore wants nothing to do with Him. Maybe both are related.

John
NZ

 

[MarineMarie]

You will spare yourself an astounding amount of horrendous emotional trauma over a LONG period of time if you break up with her before making the mistake of marrying her. You're totally playing with fire, and God has warned you. (I know that this post won't make a bit of difference, but I pray God will have mercy on you and help bring you to a place where you can make wise decisions.)

Perhaps this is the best advice yet!

 

[Paladin Wiegraf]

I cant even talk to her about it. Ive tried but she gets REALLY mad and then we just fight. I just resigned myself to letting it go. At least for now. She goes to the gym religiously, and gets angry if she doesnt. She really is a fireball. When I tell her how amazing she is, she just says "no Im not" or "I believe that YOU believe that".

 

[Paladin Wiegraf]

You will spare yourself an astounding amount of horrendous emotional trauma over a LONG period of time if you break up with her before making the mistake of marrying her. You're totally playing with fire, and God has warned you. (I know that this post won't make a bit of difference, but I pray God will have mercy on you and help bring you to a place where you can make wise decisions.)

Really? Please elaborate.

 

[bliz]

Walk away. NOW!

1. the two of you do not share religious beliefs. You can never have a sucessful relationship if you share different views on such and important subject.

2. You have only scratched the depth of her problems. Her self esteem is way out of wack. Her search for beauty will never be satisified.

Walk away. You could try and get into some counseling...

 

[Paladin Wiegraf]

There is no force on Earth or Heaven that can make me walk away from her. She is the woman that I love more than anything else in the world. I dont care about what she believes. If she doesnt like religion, fine. But she makes me feel happiness for the first true time in my life, and Im not going to just throw that away. Besides, if we got along all the time, I would eventually grow bored. It keeps the spice in our relationship.

 

[writergirl4god]

Hi Paladin. When you say 'no force on Earth or Heaven', does that mean you don't care what God says about it? If that's the case, be careful - anything that becomes an idol in our life (meaning that we care about it more than God) is not something He is going to bless. I think that what your brothers and sisters in Christ are trying to warn you about is that the Bible clearly states that we are not to be 'unequally yoked' with non-believers - and when we ignore God's word, we're always headed for heartache. Maybe at least pray about it?

 

[Johnnz]

You are entitled to make your own decisions. You have read the replies and come to your own conclusion. Only time will tell how wise that was. I wish you well for your future.

John
NZ

 

[Paladin Wiegraf]

Im just a stubborn person, is all. Im very set in my ways. I cant simply walk away from her. Its not like we are unhappy...We are quite content being together. She is always there for me. And if I did, what then? Would my life return to the way it was? Hollow, and empty? For once, Im happy. Isnt that enough? Or am I wrong? I dont really know... but if I am wrong, the question that arises is, do I care? All of a sudden Im very confused...