My Growing Struggle...

[kevlite2020]

Ever heard of the saying, "You don't know what your missing?" Since your a virgin, its kind of true but there's a flip side to it. You really don't know what your missing so since you don't know why not hold to your own personal convictions instead of worrying about what others are doing?

I'm not trying to be mean to you here. I have felt the same thing for the past several years of refraining from sex.

I'm a non-Christian so why in the hell am I holding out from some good 'action' with some good looking girl? Why not listen to the other head? Why didn't I bury what happened quite a few years ago inside someone? I could die on my way to work tomorrow so why not live it up right? I'm not convinced of any god, any ancient scripture that is so called 'ultimate truth'. I scoff at the idea of 'ultimate truth'. I have no belief in a moral dictator or creator besides what you see everyday...human beings and that's not a sure shot to find some perfect moral belief system is it?

Yet I refrain. Yet I keep away from women that may put me in a situation to where I have to make a choice because one thing I learned before I lost my virginity, don't even mess with the chance of it because no one can ever truly answer a hypothetical question in the future and I gurantee you, 'God', anyone...if I have sex with someone I meet, it will not be for their heart, it will not be for their personality, it will be because they turn me on, maybe I'll have too much to drink, their figure and I will wake up the next morning not committed to them but with a torn heart because of what I just did with them. I won't use them to get over some past of mine because there's nothing to get over anymore, but I will use them to climax...simple enough and I do not want that and I do not want to do that to someone for only those reasons.

I don't kid myself around with the idea of good/bad guy anymore. Everyone is a good and a bad person. I don't kid myself around with the idea that it is possible to meet someone, we have sex the first or several times we meet and it is something worthwhile. I've done it(even though we 'knew' each other before, but it wasn't enough to justify it but I suppose that is all hindsight 20/20 which to me hindsight 20/20 is nonsense but I'll continue discussing this anyways) and it led to that relationship to go no where to where our hopes were hoping for and I seriously consider that it did more harm than good and it was a long relationship that even went to engagement. It is just a meaningless consideration because it was such a long time ago, thoughts come in and out over the years.

So all I'll say is, keep to your convictions. I cannot answer exactly why I'm holding out. Maybe God does exist and maybe God is working in me. Maybe my standards have changed more now so I am just waiting for something to convince me it is more real than what I've had before before I give my body to someone again or I'm just waiting for that I have never had. I don't regret anything I've done but I would say to you, don't give up your convictions because everyone else is getting some action or because you are frustrated or whatever.

If you give in then that means you gave up a way of life your living towards then normally that means your not giving yourself the fullest to the deed that is the sign of you giving up the way of life you lived, and nine times out of ten you just end up hurting yourself and/or someone else and is releasing blood pressure on a body part really worth that hassel?

Sex has brought so many negative things in my life, and no lasting good things. I could argue for sexual abstinence pretty well without having to bring up God or the Bible at all. It sounds like you have had quite similar experiences to mine and have come to the same conclusion. I stopped having sex just before I started even seeking God. It destroyed so many potential relationships and friendships and really scarred me.

 

[bluelime2]

Just wanted to comment on the good christian/bad christian thing. I've grown up in the church and one thing I've seen over and over again in christianity is that you can't make a fool out of God.

2 Sam 22:26 With the loyal you show youself loyal; with the blameless you show yourself blameless; with the pure you show yourself pure and with the crooked you show yourself perverse. (nrsv)

God tells us that how the same standard that we use to judge others, God will judge us. That if we do not forgive others, God will not forgive us. That we reap what we sow. That all will stand before the judgment seat of christ and some christians won't make it.

Many christians have the idea that because they're christian they don't have to deal with any kind of judgment from God, both here and in the next life but that's not what the bible says. (Matt 25)

2 Tim 2:19
Nevertheless, God's solid foundation stands firm, sealed with this inscription: "The Lord knows those who are his," and, "Everyone who confesses the name of the Lord must turn away from wickedness."

Ezek 33:12-16
"Therefore, son of man, say to your countrymen, 'The righteousness of the righteous man will not save him when he disobeys, and the wickedness of the wicked man will not cause him to fall when he turns from it. The righteous man, if he sins, will not be allowed to live because of his former righteousness.'
If I tell the righteous man that he will surely live, but then he trusts in his righteousness and does evil, none of the righteous things he has done will be remembered; he will die for the evil he has done.
And if I say to the wicked man, 'You will surely die,' but he then turns away from his sin and does what is just and right
if he gives back what he took in pledge for a loan, returns what he has stolen, follows the decrees that give life, and does no evil, he will surely live; he will not die.
None of the sins he has committed will be remembered against him. He has done what is just and right; he will surely live.


If we're faithful, God will be faithful, but if we're not, he'll treat us the same way.

 

[bluelime2]

Gal 6:7-9
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows.
The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

1 Cor 6:9
Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God.
And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

1 Cor 5:11
But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat.

Heb 11:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.



A mistake is a mistake but a deliberate sin is in a different category. If someone slips up it's different to thinking they can sin and get away with it. Christianity isn't permanent 'fire insurance' - it's a way of life that doesn't allow for deliberate, permanent compromise. The gifts and calling of God are irrevocable but christianity entails a deliberate decision to reject sin and follow Gods way as a permanent lifestyle. Anyone who isn't willing to do that isn't a christian. The bible doesn't allow for it. You're either in or out. Some denominations might claim otherwise, but you have to add up whether you're a christian according to what the bible says as opposed to what a human being has told you one is. Because only God has the final say.

Hope that helps




PS. 'Calling' means calling, not eternal salvation. The opportunity to follow God if you choose it.

 

[Inkachu]

Good points, Blue. Unfortunately, liberal Christianity doesn't agree with you, and you'll be called intolerant and "holier than thou" for taking such stands. Some people live by what makes their emotions feel tolerable rather than the discomfort caused by the truth in God's Word.

 

[visionary]

I was at a bible study where this woman of 48 years blurted out that she is still a virgin, like it was a badge. I would say that it should remain a subject of rarely discussed. THat should not be why or your claim to fame.

If confronted or cornered, change the subject, this is a private matter and really no one's business. The less people know, the more they can take you at face value. There is more to life than this part of your life. You can always turn the question around and tell the inquisitor.. "so tell me about your sex life." Ask him/her about the regrets... and if they are honest they will admit they do have a few.

 

[latteda]

A statistic is just a statistic. You aren't looking to marry a statistic.

It only takes one. Just because the majority of women you come across are not what you're looking for, it doesn't mean that there isn't anyone out there. I know plenty of attractive, committed Christian women who are not sexually active. But that's beside the point, because the truth is, the only person that matters is the woman you end up marrying--the rest don't matter.

And the girl who broke up with you because you wouldn't have sex with her...that was HER problem, not yours. The problem there is MUCH deeper than sex. If she didn't respect you and your right to make moral decisions on your own, she needed to do some maturing.

 

[welshman]

Take a look at Matthew 7:13,14...

It doesn't just say that the gate is narrow. It says the path is too. That will tell you that if you live your life right before the Lord, then you will be in the minority.

This includes sex before marriage. So what if every other Christian you know is having sex? Focus on your walk with the Lord not other peoples walk. Keep living for Him and the Lord will give you the strength to overcome any temptation.

 

[ceh85]

I was at a bible study where this woman of 48 years blurted out that she is still a virgin, like it was a badge. I would say that it should remain a subject of rarely discussed. THat should not be why or your claim to fame.

If confronted or cornered, change the subject, this is a private matter and really no one's business. The less people know, the more they can take you at face value. There is more to life than this part of your life. You can always turn the question around and tell the inquisitor.. "so tell me about your sex life." Ask him/her about the regrets... and if they are honest they will admit they do have a few.

I totally agree with you saying it is a private matter. I do think that if people want to talk about it you can't really stop them, but at the end of the day it doesn't have to be between anyone other than you, God and any future woman you have a relationship with. Your friends have no business criticising you for personal choices. Would they like it if you criticised them for having had sex? They don't have to understand your reasons, and I wonder if they somehow feel there is something they fail to understand in your behaviour so they make fun of you. Maybe not, just a thought!

My personal opinion is that sex is such a personal thing it is important to share it with someone really really special. Without a deep bond and commitment to each other there is no real security, and the thought of being that intimate with someone I don't want to marry makes me feel verrry uncomfortable. It actually took me a while to accept that I feel like this, because at the time I was not a practising Christian and most of my peer group were having sex, but at the end of the day it is important to do right by yourself and by God - you can't do what makes other people happy. I have experienced the feelings you describe, of wondering what I'm missing, but then I have seen other very happy relationships where the couple have waited til marriage. And by the way, there are other things you can do in a relationship! You can connect with each other on a much deeper level if you are not focused on the physical.

One last thing, I read a book called 'Passion and Purity' by Elisabeth Elliot on this subject. It showed it is possible to have a passionate relationship without sex, might be interesting for you to read? (I hope I'm allowed to mention books etc like this! Am new to this!!)

 

[Im_A]

Sex has brought so many negative things in my life, and no lasting good things. I could argue for sexual abstinence pretty well without having to bring up God or the Bible at all. It sounds like you have had quite similar experiences to mine and have come to the same conclusion. I stopped having sex just before I started even seeking God. It destroyed so many potential relationships and friendships and really scarred me.

I can't go as far as to say that I'm all about 100 percent abstinence before marriage. I have a hard time justifying some kind of sexual security in an ethical/moral sense in something as insecure as the establishment of marriage...yet I do believe that there is something called sexual immorality/sexual irresponsibility. So where is the fine line, or which side should I jump on? I don't know. I'd rather error in looking out for myself and others and let the girl and I figure it out together. So its hard to say where I am really at. All I know is there has to be something better...a better reason to give one's body other than because we're animals or how emotions make us feel, hopes with someone. If that were convincing reasons, my number of people I have been with should have been bigger by now to say the least.

I would agree that we share similar affects from our own experiences with sex and such. I just had to be sure that I was fair to say that I really don't know where I stand at on the topic of sex but yet this isn't anything new for me anyways.

All I know is I think its great, fun and I think its something worth waiting because it is really overrated and can be destructive, burdening, addicting, pointless if the relationship goes no where.

 

[kevlite2020]

I can't go as far as to say that I'm all about 100 percent abstinence before marriage. I have a hard time justifying some kind of sexual security in an ethical/moral sense in something as insecure as the establishment of marriage...yet I do believe that there is something called sexual immorality/sexual irresponsibility. So where is the fine line, or which side should I jump on? I don't know. I'd rather error in looking out for myself and others and let the girl and I figure it out together. So its hard to say where I am really at. All I know is there has to be something better...a better reason to give one's body other than because we're animals or how emotions make us feel, hopes with someone. If that were convincing reasons, my number of people I have been with should have been bigger by now to say the least.

I would agree that we share similar affects from our own experiences with sex and such. I just had to be sure that I was fair to say that I really don't know where I stand at on the topic of sex but yet this isn't anything new for me anyways.

All I know is I think its great, fun and I think its something worth waiting because it is really overrated and can be destructive, burdening, addicting, pointless if the relationship goes no where.

Right, I think our common ground is in realizing that sex outside of serious relationships, done to express love for your partner, is a pretty bad place to be. I take it as far as marriage because (on top of the Bible's teachings) I don't even want to take the chance that the girl I sleep with and give that part of me to is not the girl I will be with the rest of my life. I realize how much I've undervalued it in the past and I want to give sex it's proper value. If I have a serious relationship where sex is a part of it, even if I meant well and even if we both love each other, there's no guarantee that's who I'll be with for the rest of my life, or that she's the one I want to eventually have children with. That's why I take it to marriage really. On top of that, I don't want to accidentally end up with children from a girl I'm not married to. I know people who have conceived using both condoms and birth control pills, so the possibility is always there, rare as it is.

 

[Im_A]

Right, I think our common ground is in realizing that sex outside of serious relationships, done to express love for your partner, is a pretty bad place to be. I take it as far as marriage because (on top of the Bible's teachings) I don't even want to take the chance that the girl I sleep with and give that part of me to is not the girl I will be with the rest of my life. I realize how much I've undervalued it in the past and I want to give sex it's proper value. If I have a serious relationship where sex is a part of it, even if I meant well and even if we both love each other, there's no guarantee that's who I'll be with for the rest of my life, or that she's the one I want to eventually have children with. That's why I take it to marriage really. On top of that, I don't want to accidentally end up with children from a girl I'm not married to. I know people who have conceived using both condoms and birth control pills, so the possibility is always there, rare as it is.

There's a saying I heard in a song and I apologize but the song title has left my mind at this moment but its, "A heart of gold don't get you everywhere."

The child part, yea I agree with you.