Let me give you some cliff notes on a few key characters in the Bible
David was a sheperd boy annointed by God to be king of Israel. By faith in God he killed Goliath, a HUGE philistine, with a sling... around the age of 12 years old. As king, he was a man after God's own Heart, going above and beyond the norm to make God happy. However, he wasn't above sin. He trusted in his military might more than God's power at times. He had an extramarital affair with Bathsheba, a married woman, and got her pregnant. He tried to cover it up by pulling her husband Uriah off the battlefield to "take a break." Uriah, one of David's captains, wouldn't lay with his wife with his men still in harm's way. So, David sent him back to the fight with orders to Uriah's commander to leave Uriah on the field alone... Uriah was killed at the hands of the enemy, under David's order. All because David couldn't keep his hoo-hoo in his britches(He also had over 1000 concubines - women for sexual relievement - also frowned upon by God). David also was a bad father. His sons fought and killed each other, and one even led a powerful rebellion against David. Dosen't sound like his house was in order, eh?
However, when he was called out for his sin, David was stricken with sorrow. Not the I-got-caught sorrow, but that oh-my-God-what-have-I-done kind of sorrow. He repented, and God took him back each and every time he fell prey to sin.
Earlier in Israel's history, Samson was a self-centered, arrogant, STRONG man who did things his own way for most of his life as an adult. For openers, he married a philistine girl... philistines were a major enemy of Israel. Even his dad tried to get him to reconsider, but he demanded to marry this girl. He spent the night with a prostitute, something we ain't s'posta do. He bragged about his superhuman strength that God gave him, and used it for his own personal gain and entertainment, rather than to the glory of God. His final slap in God's face was when he told Delilah, another philistine prostitute, that his strength was in his long hair(Actually this was a part of his Nazirite vow... no razor was to ever be used on his head, he wasn't to touch anything coming from a vineyard - wine, grapes, anything - and he was to never touch anything dead... all of these requirements he broke). Once Delilah cut his hair, she called for the philistines to get Samson, and this time he had no strength to resist, not just because he had no hair, but because he broke his promise to God.
Now, while a prisoner of the philistines, Samson had plenty of time to realize what he should have done with God's gift, but through all this open rebellion, God never turned away from him. BUT!!! God stuck around because He saw Samson's heart, that he was finally sorry for the wrong he had done, and that he had repented from it all. His final act was a crushing blow to the philistines that cost Samson his life. But had he never repented from his sin, God would have surely turned His back on Samson.
We can't lose our salvation, but we can throw it away. In Hebrews we read that:
If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29How much more severely do you think a man deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God under foot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified him, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people." 31It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.
Also, in I Samuel 15:23 we read that rebellion is like witchcraft to God. So, I don't want to sound bossy, but you need to get that rebellious streak under control, and it's gonna take a close walk with God to do so. He can do for you what you can't... but He'll amaze you with what you CAN do. I know you know how God can tan our hides. But He loves you too much to just throw you away. If He did that, He'd be telling Jesus, His perfect Son, that the torture He went through for you wasn't enough to cover your sin.
So yes, you are still our sister in Christ, and as such, we all love you and want to help you. Stay in God's Word. I suggest the book of John, chapter 17. This is Jesus praying to God for YOU. He loves you like crazy, tracieann. You put those pills down the toilet, seek after Jesus, and He'll replace the addiction, the illness, everything satan has put on you, with Joy! Peace! A sound mind and a high the likes of which you can't find in a bottle, joint, needle pipe, anywhere. Hang in there!
The only scripture i can read is the soft and fuzzy stuff.
