Spinoff the Spanking Thread (Dealing with parents who are different)

[seamonster]

A woman from my church mentioned to me that she didn't want to be a foster mom until her kids were older because she didn't know how to explain to her kids why she spanked them but not the foster kids. Then she said, "You know, I have no idea how you and your DH are, philosophically, when it comes to that sort of thing, you know, spanking."

So how do you deal with people who believe differently than you, whether that's because you choose to spank and your friend doesn't, or vice versa? Do you share your beliefs with your friends IRL, or do you wait for them to ask? Would you be friends with someone who chose to spank if you didn't? If you spank, would you be friends with someone who didn't?

This is not a debate on spanking - there is another thread for that, and we've had many in the past. This is simply a thread on getting along with other parents whose beliefs on child-rearing are different than your own.

 

[illudium_phosdex]

I give my kids a swat every now and then for various infractions. DH spanks them (3 pops max) on rare occasions for more serious infractions. Most of my friends and family are similar to us in their punishment styles. On the rare occasion I do come across someone who doesn't spank and the subject comes up for whatever reason, I've found that I get along better with them than they do with me. I think that this is because they seem to have this idea that I'm doing something morally repugnant where I really don't care what they do with their kids provided they are not neglected or abused.

 

[Neenie1]

I have friends who smack, some who don't. Some I wouldn't even know if they do or they don't.

I would be friends with someone regardless of how they discipline their child. If I saw the chlid was being abused or neglected then that is when I would be trying to help the child, otherwise it is none of my business really.

 

[Stan53]

If I saw the chlid was being abused or neglected then that is when I would be trying to help the child, otherwise it is none of my business really.

What she said.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

Most people around here spank their children so I really haven't run into that sort of situation. My mom, however, looked at me as if I were a mad woman when I told her that Emily did 10 times better with timeouts than with spankings...my mom says that "time outs are silly and never work"

 

[seamonster]

Most people around here spank their children so I really haven't run into that sort of situation. My mom, however, looked at me as if I were a mad woman when I told her that Emily did 10 times better with timeouts than with spankings...my mom says that "time outs are silly and never work"

That's kind of how my parents feel about me not spanking my son. He'll burst into tears if I tell him "no," so there's really no need to spank right now. I pretty much avoid the topic with them, but they still share their opinions

 

[Linnis]

That's kind of how my parents feel about me not spanking my son. He'll burst into tears if I tell him "no," so there's really no need to spank right now. I pretty much avoid the topic with them, but they still share their opinions

With my parents I remind them they got to make their choices so I get to make mine.

I tend to avoid topics about parenting choices because it almost always leads to big feelings. I believe we are doing right by our son and at the end of the day that's all that matters.

I do discuss parenting with a few like minded IRL parents. People I know who won't judge me or tell me how to parent my son.

 

[jgonz]

We paddle, but I don't talk about it unless someone specifically asks me. I Often get, "Your kids are so polite and well behaved! How do you do it?" and then I usually say, "You probably don't really want to know." But if they press me, I'll tell them we paddle for rebellion, defiance, and hitting, and the conversation usually ends Very quickly. I don't ask anyone else how they discipline, but then again I'm the oldest one around with such a large family and still have small children.

 

[HeatherJay]

Most of my friends spank. I don't meddle.

However, my in-laws have strong opinions about us NOT spanking. That irks me...a lot. Grrr.

 

[Leanna]

Do you share your beliefs with your friends IRL, or do you wait for them to ask?

I wait for it to come up.

Would you be friends with someone who chose to spank if you didn't?

Yes, if they and their children were kind. I don't know where my limit is on this because I haven't gone through it yet, but I do think I would be uncomfortable if it was really "in my face" a lot.

 

[HeatherJay]

Do you share your beliefs with your friends IRL, or do you wait for them to ask?

I wait for it to come up.

Would you be friends with someone who chose to spank if you didn't?

Yes, if they and their children were kind. I don't know where my limit is on this because I haven't gone through it yet, but I do think I would be uncomfortable if it was really "in my face" a lot.

That's a good point. I didn't think about it that way until you mentioned that. I would be very uncomfortable hanging out with people who spanked their children in front of me or my kids. I've seen my nieces and nephews spanked and smacked when they were younger and I'm extremely uncomfortable with that.

So, yeah, if it's all up in my face like that, I do have a problem with it. I just don't think that children (or anyone) should be hit. And when it's happening right in front of me, I have a hard time not getting self-righteous.

 

[heart of peace]

So how do you deal with people who believe differently than you, whether that's because you choose to spank and your friend doesn't, or vice versa?

Hmm...I suppose I approach this in the same way I would approach interacting with those who are of different faiths, sexual orientations, et cetera than me. I grew up in the nyc area and I was exposed to all different types of people, cultures, faiths, sexual orientations, socio economic status ... Growing up in such a diverse area causes one to really drive inward to truly know who one is, what one believes and other things. Then to add Christ to this mix, one has to learn how to love others in the way Jesus would. So, I am very comfortable around any one who does things differently than me because through Christ I have found peace with the world and with myself in this world and a strength in my own opinions and beliefs.



Do you share your beliefs with your friends IRL, or do you wait for them to ask?

I rarely offer unsolicited advice because to me it is a bit pretentious to assume someone else even wants my advice without asking for it. I express my opinions freely with those I am close with as I naturally enjoy discussions and debates. Of course there are times where I speak out when not asked for my comments when dealing with any sort of injustice but even then I don't speak out lightly - I spend time in prayer seeking God's will for the situation and sometimes I am led to not speak up but rather show my opinion rather than say my opinion.

Would you be friends with someone who chose to spank if you didn't? If you spank, would you be friends with someone who didn't?

Yes, I don't have a problem with this. Life is way too short for me to get hung up about the parenting styles of other people. I should say that if a person's parenting style was in such opposition to my beliefs, most likely this person lives an entire lifestyle that does not jive with me and I most likely would not have attracted that person's energy into my proximity.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

My son is only <8 months so it's not something I have to deal with now, but I will say this...having been abused as a child, I will not spank because I cannot differentiate for myself the two and I won't make my son either. I am not against parents who do, but personally it's not something I wish to do.

I am going to try to find more creative punishments, fwiw.

 

[lin1235]

Most of my friends think like we do wrt parenting (non-spanking), although we are more non-punitive while many of my friends do embrace some punishment. I don't have a problem with that, but I would struggle to be close friends with someone who spanked their kids in my presence or in front of my dd.

My sister and her husband spank, they live far away so the subject hasn't come up. If it comes up over Christmas, I'll probably bean dip rather than have a disagreement about it. They're welcome to choose the parenting model they find most appropriate, I will make a big deal out of it only if they spank in front of my dd or if they advise me to spank her (or tell her "your mommy will spank you if you do x").