Why is there no middle ground in parenting?

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

Huge congrats seige! I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes perfect for your wife!

I think julyshemustfly's post was perfect!

Also, the annoyance tends to come from the implication behind the 'advice' rather than the advice itself... the implication that I'm an idiot, the implication that the average joe loves my child more than I - the MOTHER - does, etc...
That is what I get annoyed by, even though I understand it's not done in a nasty spirit, but babies bring out the emotions and so things tend to get communicated on a higher intensity plane than other advice... I'm guilty of that too...

We just smile, nod, reaffirm that WE are the Parents, and go on with our lives...

 

[jgonz]

Yup, smile & nod. Best advice I can give anyone.... and often do.

 

[Assisi]

I think that when people try to force their opinion about your parenting on you then it says more about them and how they feel about their own strengths and failures than it does about their opinion of your parenting. It says something about how they feel about themselves, not how they feel about you. So I would turn the conversation round and make it about their children. Not in a nasty way, just ask them about what they did and why and sympathize with their hardships. What they say has absolutely no bearing on your situation. When I was pregnant a friend of mine and I were talking about co-sleeping, I did not intend to have Baby in my bed, nor do I, and I have some (in my opinion) pretty good reasons not to. She told me I just didn't understand how tired I'd be, etc etc, but what she said had no bearing on me, it was just that she chose to do it and she had her reasons. I guess she was defending her reasons because I was disregarding them, though I do think her reasons were good ones. What she was talking about was how tired she had felt, how great it had been for her to have baby in her bed etc. I still think my reasons outweigh the reasons she put forward, and I don't have baby in my bed. At the time I felt a bit shaken by her comments, but now I just feel confident that what was best for her family is not best for mine and that's okay.

It's good to be informed and to know why you make the choices you make. After that, I like to just relax and let it happen. It's no fun if it's a constant battle over issues.

And I just wanted to say something about the breastfeeding discussion. Every study I've ever looked at (at uni, so real studies) has shown a link between breastfeeding and long term better health, I think the link is there and that's a good reason to breastfeed. BUT long term health is not the only issue to consider, it doesn't outweigh every other consideration - especially as choosing not to breastfeed (or being unable to) DOES NOT condemn your child to bad health. My cousin did not breastfeed her baby, so many factors outweighed the health factor and it was best for them to bottle feed. Why would anyone (other than Baby's parents) even care one way or the other? That doesn't make sense to me.

 

[Green Orchid]

Isn't all this undo pressure something we can do without? Do we have to convince others to believe with what we do? Can't we just educate them and respect the fact that God blessed them with a child and will see them through? Isn't there more than one way to raise a child?

I'll add to the "vs" list: no-CIO vs CIO

You ask a very good question "why is there no middle ground"? I've been wondering that too and struggling with the manifestation of my own opinions. In my personality, I'm a reformer, an advocate, I believe strongly what I believe and oftentimes I believe it so much that I have a really hard time seeing that there might be another, a different, a *gasp* better way. This trait of my character comes out even more in my surroundings because I am the only mom among my friends who does things the way I do (for the most part). This past year as a new mom has been one of gradually learning to keep my mouth shut, although I can't say that my blood pressure has remained stable. :o I see so much in our culture that I find unnatural and it makes me cringe... But I'm only responsible for raising my son. I need to ask for a good dose of self-control from the Holy Spirit to let others be. It's a weakness I struggle with but hope to overcome as I mature as a mother and believer.

 

[Hadassah]

ok I had a long post and my son hit the keyboard and I lost it all. LOL

so to say it short: Smile and nod works wonders lots of times, as everyone else has said

 

[seige]

I'll add to the "vs" list: no-CIO vs CIO

You ask a very good question "why is there no middle ground"? I've been wondering that too and struggling with the manifestation of my own opinions. In my personality, I'm a reformer, an advocate, I believe strongly what I believe and oftentimes I believe it so much that I have a really hard time seeing that there might be another, a different, a *gasp* better way. This trait of my character comes out even more in my surroundings because I am the only mom among my friends who does things the way I do (for the most part). This past year as a new mom has been one of gradually learning to keep my mouth shut, although I can't say that my blood pressure has remained stable. :o I see so much in our culture that I find unnatural and it makes me cringe... But I'm only responsible for raising my son. I need to ask for a good dose of self-control from the Holy Spirit to let others be. It's a weakness I struggle with but hope to overcome as I mature as a mother and believer.

What?! A person who recognizes a struggle and desires to do something about it!! Maybe there is hope for this world!!! If we step out of the parenting realm- I too have my staunch beliefs about things that are debatable Biblically... I VERY often have to stop and think- where do I get this belief, from the Bible or from my denomination or from my parents or from my culture. Questioning one's self breeds growth. Paul says to "work out your salvation daily" and I think that is awesome, awesome that you are doing that in all areas of your life! Kudos to ya mama!

 

[Green Orchid]

What?! A person who recognizes a struggle and desires to do something about it!! Maybe there is hope for this world!!! If we step out of the parenting realm- I too have my staunch beliefs about things that are debatable Biblically... I VERY often have to stop and think- where do I get this belief, from the Bible or from my denomination or from my parents or from my culture. Questioning one's self breeds growth. Paul says to "work out your salvation daily" and I think that is awesome, awesome that you are doing that in all areas of your life! Kudos to ya mama!

Thank you, you're so kind.

The parenting journey is very humbling and quite a path to Christian growth!

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

As a pregnant woman all I can say is learn to pass the bean dip. Go with what seems natural for you and your wife, ignore everyone else

For me, most of the crunchy stuff you've mentioned just seems like natural parenting to me and my husband. Baby's crying? Pick her up, she needs something. Is she fed and changed but still crying? My personal feelings tell me not to just set her down adn walk away. My thoughts is she just needs mommy and snuggles. Sometimes I just need snuggles for my husband. KWIM?

Having the baby sleep in a co sleeper off our bed just makes sense. I plan on breastfeeding (also most natural to me) and it seems pointless to walk all the way down the hall to get and feed the baby when I can just roll over, pick her out of her co-sleeper and pop her on the boob.

I could go on and on...

On the same hand my SIL does non of what I mentioned (except BF) but that works for her family and it dosen't bother me in the least. When we first got pregnant my SIL's husband started right away with the "let the baby cry, don't pacify her etc. etc. etc." I already knew I disagreed with their parenting choices so I just smiled and said "thank you, we will certainly consider those options". Then I changed the subject. Eventually they (and the rest of DH's family) learned that I'm not interested in being preached at regarding parenting issues.

Now in saying all that, DH and I are going to be first time parents and while in a perfect world with a perfect baby everything will fall into place, BUT, it dosen't work that way and we're open to that. We're open to the fact that co-sleeping might not work for us... though at this time it's the best option for our family. Same goes for breastfeeding, etc. etc. etc.

Learn to pass the bean dip. Get friendly with your library and I encourage you to read LOTS and educate yourself on both sides. Research the benefits of breastfeeding vs bottle feeding. Research Attachment Parenting (aka: Co-sleeping, baby wearing, etc.) and also research other types of parenting. I would also strongly urge your wife to read up lots on c-sections, epidurals and natural births. There ARE risks with c-sections/epidurals. Just be informed.

The one thing I would strongly urge you to research is the vax/no vax options. PM me if you want more info and book suggestions. I REALLY want people to be educated when it comes to vaxing their kids...

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

Oh and for the cloth vs disposies debate... I mean.. CMON!! Cloth are WAY cuter!!!!!!!!! How can you not cloth diaper

 

[Green Orchid]

Oh and for the cloth vs disposies debate... I mean.. CMON!! Cloth are WAY cuter!!!!!!!!! How can you not cloth diaper

ROFL

*runs to hide her formerly cute but now horribly stained cloth diapers*

 

[LutheranChick]

Lots of wonderful advice here, siege! My kids are 22, 19 and I have an almost 4-yr old granddaughter. I have to agree with the basic summary of what almost everyone here has said: Nod & smile, pass the bean dip and then do whatever works for your situation!

May God Bless you and and your wife on the upcoming addition to your family!

 

[GolfingMom]

Oh and for the cloth vs disposies debate... I mean.. CMON!! Cloth are WAY cuter!!!!!!!!! How can you not cloth diaper

Not when you're on a water ration and must cut down on water usage (which we are )

 

[lucypevensie]

Not when you're on a water ration and must cut down on water usage (which we are )

Pacific Ocean just not cuttin' it anymore?

 

[seige]

On the same hand my SIL does non of what I mentioned (except BF) but that works for her family and it dosen't bother me in the least.

Get friendly with your library and I encourage you to read LOTS and educate yourself on both sides. Research the benefits of breastfeeding vs bottle feeding. Research Attachment Parenting (aka: Co-sleeping, baby wearing, etc.) and also research other types of parenting. I would also strongly urge your wife to read up lots on c-sections, epidurals and natural births. There ARE risks with c-sections/epidurals. Just be informed.

The one thing I would strongly urge you to research is the vax/no vax options. PM me if you want more info and book suggestions. I REALLY want people to be educated when it comes to vaxing their kids...

This is what is important- it sounds like you RESPECT your sister's right to parent her child as she sees fit.... hopefully she affords you the same respect.

As far as the researching both sides... honestly I believe that God talks to your heart a bit- there is PLENTY of research on BOTH SIDES of attachment parenting, modern medical approaches to births etc. ONE side appealed to you from the start (as did us) and I believe that is God talking to you and encouraging you on THAT path.

Often "natural birth" folks think "if you just get educated you'll see that it's the only way to go" is that really true? There is plenty of research that modern medical approaches to birth are "safer." That's the problem with statistics and biased research... you normally find EXACTLY what you were looking for.

I believe that God gave us science and medicine and that for some people, that is what is best for them and their family. I trust that God desired THEM to raise THAT child and there is no way MY opinion is better than HIS... KWIM?

I'd be interested to hear about the books you suggested, SOTF, just because I'm an avid reader. I think it's great to do what you and your family is deciding to do, just please don't assume that because we're not co-sleeping we're just "not educated." We're educated, we just worry it won't work for us- It's an option, but not one we think will work now. On a PERSONAL note- I often think things like breastfeeding, attachment parenting, etc. are done for the MOTHER'S benefit over the child (NOT that it can't also be beneficial to the child though... just watch your motives...)

 

[jgonz]

On a PERSONAL note- I often think things like breastfeeding, attachment parenting, etc. are done for the MOTHER'S benefit over the child (NOT that it can't also be beneficial to the child though... just watch your motives...)

I don't understand this statement... How could these things be for the _mother's_ benefit, when all these things are HUGE sacrifices of time specifically for the mother?

Breastfeeding is incredibly beneficial for Both the mom & baby~ the baby gets all those immunities for one thing, as well as personalized food any time of the day or night. The mom gets the benefit of lowering her risk factor for all the female cancers~ the longer she nurses, the lower her risk factors.

Attachment parenting is Supposed to be more about being attached to your baby, not a lifestyle of do's and don't's.

Wearing a sling (for example) is much easier on my bad back and neck than a front pack is. Does that make me a "better" parent? No, it just means it's easier for me to carry my baby when I'm out of the house. Plus, my baby gets the benefit of being right up next to me, where he can see where we're going and hear my heartbeat. Even though I can't nurse this current baby of mine, he still reaps the other benefits of being in the sling (although, I never could get the hang of nursing in the sling anyway. )

Speaking of the baby, he just pooped up his back and made a mess, so I'll be back later. bleck...

 

[JulySheMustFly]

On a PERSONAL note- I often think things like breastfeeding, attachment parenting, etc. are done for the MOTHER'S benefit over the child (NOT that it can't also be beneficial to the child though... just watch your motives...)

Just be careful. There are plenty of AP father's around too. I married one and he certainly does it for the kids not himself because for him it would be way easier to sleep through the night, not be kicked by a baby while sleeping, push a kiddo in a stroller, do every little thing the doctor says to do and say it's food just eat it.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

I don't understand this statement... How could these things be for the _mother's_ benefit, when all these things are HUGE sacrifices of time specifically for the mother?

Breastfeeding is incredibly beneficial for Both the mom & baby~ the baby gets all those immunities for one thing, as well as personalized food any time of the day or night. The mom gets the benefit of lowering her risk factor for all the female cancers~ the longer she nurses, the lower her risk factors.

Attachment parenting is Supposed to be more about being attached to your baby, not a lifestyle of do's and don't's.

Wearing a sling (for example) is much easier on my bad back and neck than a front pack is. Does that make me a "better" parent? No, it just means it's easier for me to carry my baby when I'm out of the house. Plus, my baby gets the benefit of being right up next to me, where he can see where we're going and hear my heartbeat. Even though I can't nurse this current baby of mine, he still reaps the other benefits of being in the sling (although, I never could get the hang of nursing in the sling anyway. )

Speaking of the baby, he just pooped up his back and made a mess, so I'll be back later. bleck...

Yeah I have to agree with jgonz with this one. If anything (based on the research I've done) attachment parenting really is a selfless act (not saying non AP parents are selfish). You're basically giving yourself up for your baby 24/7. Sure I'd love to just have DH and I in the bed (though with the cats that will never happen) BUT having the baby in bed with us, while a sacrifice it's one we are more than happy to make because of the benefits to the baby.

But I don't want this to be an AP vs Non AP debate. While I do respect others rights to parent the way they see fit, I am very passionate about our choices. I just get mad when people make blanket statements with absolutely NO knowledge or information to back it up (not saying you did that) but you often hear statements like "the baby will be spoiled" from non AP parents, when that couldn't be further from the truth.

 

[Leanna]

Often "natural birth" folks think "if you just get educated you'll see that it's the only way to go" is that really true? There is plenty of research that modern medical approaches to birth are "safer."

Gosh seige, I can't imagine what you mean. Can you enlighten me.... you know with the googling of statistics

For real though... I can't think of any research that shows modern medical approaches to birth are safer....

I actually chose an epidural last time fully well knowing the risks, I prayed I would "get lucky"... and I did, although it was far from the miracle drug I was hoping for, as my legs were crazy tingly and when they put the darn thing on I screamed because it hurt so bad.

Next time I'm going drug free again.... forget that.... lol

I mean obviously if something is awry then having the option of a c-section is a good thing... but when things are normal, "modern medicine" is just getting in the way...

I don't care though if other people want to use an epidural or other stuff, but you should be aware they all carry certain risks, that's all. I wouldn't call them safer.

Hey, you wanted to talk about this right?

That's the problem with statistics and biased research... you normally find EXACTLY what you were looking for.

A person is not always looking to support a specific viewpoint, though, sometimes a person is looking to form a viewpoint.

On a PERSONAL note- I often think things like breastfeeding, attachment parenting, etc. are done for the MOTHER'S benefit over the child (NOT that it can't also be beneficial to the child though... just watch your motives...)

What would make you say that?

Perhaps it depends on how you define attachment parenting....

Sure I'd love to just have DH and I in the bed (though with the cats that will never happen) BUT having the baby in bed with us, while a sacrifice it's one we are more than happy to make because of the benefits to the baby.

The research on SIDS supports cosleeping defined as room-sharing, not bed sharing. Though bed sharing is included in room-sharing iykwim (since if you share a bed you also share a room).

Oooooh.... Leanna can only behave so long.... *fingers twitch over google*



Nah.... I'm too lazy....

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

The research on SIDS supports cosleeping defined as room-sharing, not bed sharing. Though bed sharing is included in room-sharing iykwim (since if you share a bed you also share a room).

Oooooh.... Leanna can only behave so long.... *fingers twitch over google*



Nah.... I'm too lazy....

Right, which is why she will be in the co-sleeper attached to our bed. AFAIK it's the same as sharing a bed

 

[Leanna]

Oh and while we're talking books, I'll put my two cents in for Einstein Never Used Flash Cards by Hirsh-Pasek and Michnick which has nothing to do with anything talked about so far, but is a fascinating read for parents.