Talking About Sex?

[HeDied4Me]

If you believe sex before marriage is sinful, what is your opinion about talking with your SO about sexual topics (like things you might like to try after you're married, or specific sexual activities that don't appeal to you)? At what point in a relationship is this kind of conversation important?

 

[Xaoc]

I honestly think every person has to draw their own line.

 

[alfrodull]

I think it depends on the couple, and how much you've done physically (with each other, and with past partners.) My fiance and I didn't really discuss anything till after we were engaged, but since our physical contact had been very limited by the circumstances up until that point and we had only dated each other, it just didn't seem natural to talk about it before then. If both people are...experienced, they are more likely to know what they enjoy and dislike, and it may be helpful for them to discuss things earlier.

I do think it's important to talk about before you're married, just in case there are irreconcilable differences; e.g., one person has a serious BDSM fetish and can't get aroused without it while the other is repulsed by it.

 

[deefstes]

Hey, good question. I've always wondered about this myself, until I got engaged and later married. It seemed to sort itself out without any specific planning or consideration.

What I would say is this. I believe sex before marriage to be sinful but that is my conviction and I can not impose it on anyone else. My wife (when se was still my girlfriend) and I did discuss sex but really only up to a very superficial level and mostly in very broad and general terms. I just didn't feel it was appropriate for us to discuss it in any more depth.

When we got engaged though, things changed quickly. Here we were at a point where being married was just around the corner and while some matters of sex was discussed out of curiousity and getting to know each other's opinions, other matters were discussed out of neccessity. For instance, we had to discuss and decide what sort of contraception we'd be using as, obviously, we couldn't wait until the honeymoon night.

So in a nutshell, I don't have any concrete answers to your question but I can say that, from my experience and in my frame of thinking
a. sex before marriage is a taboo
b. discussing sex before marriage might not be wrong but might also not be appropriate
c. things change quite drastically when you get engaged and discussing sex becomes much more appropriate and even neccessary.

Just my two cents'

 

[HeDied4Me]

Thanks for the replies...I guess I am mainly curious about hearing a range of Christian opinions on this topic, like how this worked out in particular relationships.

 

[NotHardcore]

My boyfriend and I discuss sex often and we started discussing it even before we decided to officially become a couple. We don't believe in dating unless each person can see themselves marrying the other person. Because of this, all "deal breakers" HAD to be discussed before we even started our relationship. Sex was discussed in detail (fetishes, sex drives, expectations, what we planned and didn't plan on doing before marriage, etc.).

 

[JCFantasy23]

Sex is just a part of life to me, whether you choose to abstain from it until marriage or not. IMO people place too much significance on it. You should feel free to discuss it with people you're dating, as free as speaking of the weather or the news.

 

[sweaterpoorlyknit]

We do. A lot actually. It's an amazing thing to look forward to and it's what keeps up strong in our decision to wait. It usually comes up if we start to get "carried away" with things. We remind ourselves by joking about it: "ohh just wait until our wedding night!" Makes things easier having it out in the open, I think.

 

[unkern]

The bible tells us to stay away from sexual immorality. I know that either way it is very tempting to talk about along with doing other physical acts. Most likely it is going to happen, so just do your best to be self controlled and try not to talk about it. Oh and for the record sex or sexual acts before marriage is sin.

God be with you

 

[The Nihilist]

Oh and for the record sex or sexual acts before marriage is sin.

source?

 

[unkern]

From the way people respond in christian forums I think most people on here don't read their bible.

Here are a few sources:
Matthew 15:19
Mark 7:21
Acts 15:20
Acts 15:29
Romans 13:13
1 Corinthians 6:13
1 Corinthians 6:18
1 Corinthian 10:18
Galatians 5:19
Ephesians 5:3
Colossians 3:5
1 Thessalonians 4:3
Jude 1:7
Revelation 2:14

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I think discussing it before marriage should be a requirement. No good reason not to, and it helps you at least know some of what to expect.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Sex needs to be discussed before marriage. When? It depends on whether there are issues that could be deal-breakers. Sometime after you decide the person is marriage material, sometimes things come up even before that. I was talking to someone on the phone before an official date and in discussing his divorce brought up the fact that his ex had announced on their honeymoon that she could not perform certain acts due to a jaw condition. The way he said it indicated that it was a big deal to him. I had exchanged many long emails and conversations by this point and had no problem telling him I did not have TMJ.

I have some definite "no-ways" that can naturally come up in conversation when talking about homosexuality.

 

[deefstes]

Sex is just a part of life to me, whether you choose to abstain from it until marriage or not. IMO people place too much significance on it. You should feel free to discuss it with people you're dating, as free as speaking of the weather or the news.

Respectfully, I'll have to disagree with this statement. I don't know you JCFantasy23 and I don't know your background but I really do feel sorry for you if sex has become such a mundane thing to you that you feel it should be discussed as one would discuss the weather or the news.

While I do believe that sex belongs in marriage and that there is something "sacred" about it from a Christian perspective, my argument with regards to your statement even comes from outside of my religious conviction.

Between a couple, the most intimate thing you can get involved in on a physical level, is sex. That is the top rung of the ladder, there's nothing more intimate. Putting that on the level of the weather or the news makes something which is very intimate into something very base.

While sex is a physically intimate thing, I could use the emotional analogy of discussing the death of one's father. That's an emotional intimate thing to discuss and I would never expect that someone should be able to discuss that with the same ease as the weather or the news.

For what its worth, I also believe sex to be more than just an intimate physical action but also a very emotional action but maybe that's just me.

 

[Bootstrap]

I think that couples should talk about what marriage would mean to them, and how they can be good to each other in a marriage. Sex is certainly part of that.

There's only so much you can talk about usefully ahead of time, you can't really know exactly what things will come up, though it might be interesting to try to guess.

Things like birth control and marital fidelity and feelings about what is sexually immoral should certainly be discussed ahead of time.

To get a feel for how someone else will treat you physically, I think touching is better than talking, and I do think that people heading toward marriage should spend some time on second base. (I know some will think that's too far, and others will think that's not far enough.)

I'm rather skeptical about my ability to know, in advance, a lot of the important details of a future sex life. My girlfriend once asked me how often it would be important for me to have sex in a week. Since the marriage I was in was largely sexless, I don't have a lot of data to go on. I know a lot about how pent up things get when I'm not having sex, but that doesn't tell me how often I would feel the need for sex in a marriage.

To me, it's more important to learn about touching and intimacy, and how passion fits into that. Especially since a lot of people in our society have problems with touching and intimacy, and passion has been distorted into something else. I don't want to be very close to some people's passion. And that's where second base is useful - it gives you a chance to get passionate together and learn to be intimate and treat each other well.

Jonathan

P.S. My interest in second base is purely pragmatic, as you can see ;->

 

[JCFantasy23]

Respectfully, I'll have to disagree with this statement. I don't know you JCFantasy23 and I don't know your background but I really do feel sorry for you if sex has become such a mundane thing to you that you feel it should be discussed as one would discuss the weather or the news.

While I do believe that sex belongs in marriage and that there is something "sacred" about it from a Christian perspective, my argument with regards to your statement even comes from outside of my religious conviction.

Between a couple, the most intimate thing you can get involved in on a physical level, is sex. That is the top rung of the ladder, there's nothing more intimate. Putting that on the level of the weather or the news makes something which is very intimate into something very base.

While sex is a physically intimate thing, I could use the emotional analogy of discussing the death of one's father. That's an emotional intimate thing to discuss and I would never expect that someone should be able to discuss that with the same ease as the weather or the news.

For what its worth, I also believe sex to be more than just an intimate physical action but also a very emotional action but maybe that's just me.

Hmm perhaps I shouldn't have said the news and weather as an example, indicating it's that mundane. But around me it is very common. Perhaps we are just in different areas? I'm surprised if I'm that much of an exception from most. It's been discussed openly with me at my last 2 places of employment (especially the previous), brought up nearly every time at least once when I'm with my friends, my mother and I even discuss it (very lightly of course, parents - awkward) on occasion...Basically, every friend I have or person I know and have met more than a few times, the subject just seems to come up. Doesn't bug me either way.

As for the emotional impact, sure, sex to me is nothing without emotion. I'm not a one-night stand kind of person or anything. I can't imagine people having sex with no emotional attachment, although I know it happens. By discussing it without reserve when the occasion warrants it, I don't feel I'm diminishing the romantic and/or emotional depth of it.

 

[The Nihilist]

From the way people respond in christian forums I think most people on here don't read their bible.

Here are a few sources:
Matthew 15:19
Mark 7:21
Acts 15:20
Acts 15:29
Romans 13:13
1 Corinthians 6:13
1 Corinthians 6:18
1 Corinthian 10:18
Galatians 5:19
Ephesians 5:3
Colossians 3:5
1 Thessalonians 4:3
Jude 1:7
Revelation 2:14

If I remember right, most of those verses talk about sexual immorality without specifically mentioning premarital sex

 

[unkern]

take a look in a dictionary

 

[Bootstrap]

I've always distinguished "talking about sex" from "sex". So I also distinguish "premarital talking about sex" from "premarital sex".

Jonathan

P.S. Perhaps I'm just confused about what people mean by "oral sex".

 

[The Nihilist]

take a look in a dictionary

It's unclear whether fornication is a proper translation of the greek