Has anyone seen....

[jessesgirl]

My last nerve? Because I've lost it.

Justin- my precious little 14 month old angel- has a temper...a bad one. I don't want to hear that it isn't temper because it is and it is to the point that we have to do something about it. Soothing techniques aren't working, pats on the bottom just intesify it, ignoring it isn't working....so anyway.

When he doesn't get his way or if I tell him no (good mood, bad mood, sleepy, not sleepy, not hungry, hungry...whatever), he screams at me and growls at me....loud. Then he proceeds to bang his head against anything he can find. He bangs it hard. If he can't find anything to bang his head on, he bends over and starts beating his head on the floor/ground.

We were in the store today and I was on the verge of leaving because he kept screaming really loud at me and then beating his head on the buggy. I picked him up and carried him and he kept trying to head butt me.

I'm puzzled by this. Jesse and I don't yell. Really, we don't. Very seldom and if we do, it is out of his presence. We have made a very conscious effort to NOT yell in front of him. We don't beat our heads against anything when we get mad....we don't even beat each other's heads against things so I am at a loss as to where he picked up this behaviour. I am the only person he is around 90% of the time. He has hit his head like this off and on since he was about 10 months old and we've tried to stop it, but failed miserably. He has just recently gotten really, REALLY bad about it. If I try to pick him up, he flings his head back and head butts me. It hurts.

Anyway, I'm frustrated. He is putting bruises on his little face from hitting things (not all thing leave bruises, but today he was in his high chair at the restaurant, he got mad, and hit his head on the table...hence the bruise on his forehead). I don't want to hear I'm a horrible mom, I don't want to hear I'm not raising my kid right. I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this and what they did to rectify it.

I don't want to be one of those parents who can't control their kid and who gets beat up by them. I just want to raise a happy, healthy child. Don't we all? Anyway, he still (for those of you who know me) holds his breath, too but not as much as he does this.

I just want to cry because I don't know how to fix it. It just recently got really bad (like the last week or so) and I am doing this parenting on my own thing now and for the next good while, so I don't know....I'm just lost.

 

[SaintMarina]

Jessesgirl I've PM'd you.

Understand your frustration, dear, been there too!
This too shall pass...

Marina

 

[Leanna]

Head beating huh..... have you thought about having him evaluated with early intervention? Just to be sure?

Assuming things are well, I see two things happening with the head beating. First, he hasn't learned how to deal with these overwhelming feelings he has and that's how he's figured to "cope." So you'll want to replace that with other skills for coping with frustration in the real world, like saying "I'm frustrated." Second, it sounds like when it first started happening it got a rouse out of you. So he's doing it because its the only way he knows to get your attention and take your last nerve. This is not a suggestion to ignore it, but to change your response to it.

 

[jgonz]

Kids can have horrible tempers~ and that has Nothing to do with the parents' temperaments, so don't sit around wondering "where he got it from", it just happens.

If you know he gets worse when he's tired, then make sure he stays on a regular (strict, if necessary) schedule. Don't take him out on errands unless it's Absolutely necessary.

Make sure that he's not getting too much sugar, food dyes, or high fructose corn syrup in his diet (those can make kids NUTS). You can also start a food diary to see if his behavior is possibly linked to his diet (I was shocked to find out that one of my boy's behavior was Directly affected by food dyes.)

If it was _me_, I'd get very strict and firm about the head banging/butting thing. I'd remove him from the situation/area and tell him that he's not allowed to do that. I'd also smack his tooshie (more to startle him than anything else) On the diaper to get his attention and tell him NO, and put him in a playpen (which is pretty much all soft) as a time-out. 14 months old is not too early to set boundaries.

(I know that many here will disagree with my opinion, but that's how *I* would _probably_ handle it. So far I haven't had a toddler who head-banged or got that aggressive.)

 

[Christdefinesme]

I'm sorry.
Kids just get so angry sometimes, especially when they don't have words yet.
Some are way more stubborn and strong willed than others.
You obviously were blessed with a strong willed child.
I have a couple.
I love the playpen idea. He's still small enough, he can't hurt himself, and when my strong willed ones threw tantrums this bad, the BEST things was to get them away from an audience so my reactions didn't feed the behavior.
Also, have you tried holding him, facing outwards, wrapping your arms around him tightly (holding his arms and body firmly against yours), pulling him firmly against you so he can't move his head far enough to head butt, and just telling him continuously in his ear "I know you're angry, I know you're not getting what you want, but you may NOT act this way, mommy's holding you until you calm down", and proceeding to hold him until he stops?
Maybe you've tried this (you mentioned you've tried soothing techniques), but I've tried this before, and it's worked sometimes.
It just depends on the kid.
Sometimes, when a kid is THAT worked up, a spanking or swat really can make it worse. Mostly what I've seen work is removing them from an audience. AND being consistent, calm and firm.
Repeat to yourself "not a problem for me, potential problem for you", meaning, he's the one being hurt by his behavior, he's the one who receives the concequences, and it doesn't have to be about you, even though it feels like he's lashing out at YOU. Keep yourself calm and remind yourself that it's not because YOU'VE done something wrong, his behaviour is his choice and he's the one who receives the consequences. This helps me sometimes to stay calm and not get under my kids' behavior.
I will pray for you. This is a tough one, but I know the Lord will give you wisdom.

 

[Leanna]

If you know he gets worse when he's tired, then make sure he stays on a regular (strict, if necessary) schedule. Don't take him out on errands unless it's Absolutely necessary.

That's a good one.... we guard nap and bedtimes very carefully and don't take tired kids out. I plan around that, we also have set meal times too because hungry kids can be irrational.

Make sure that he's not getting too much sugar, food dyes, or high fructose corn syrup in his diet

That's true too... over processed foods tend to have these things, and food is related to behavior.

 

[jessesgirl]

I'm in tears reading this girls. Thank you so much for your responses. I look back on it and while, like I said, it was a very small issue before, it has been a big issue since we have been visiting back home. Since we have been back in TX, he hasn't had a schedule at ALL because we have been trying to see everyone before we leave back to NC again. When we are home (in NC), he is on such a STRICT schedule and he seems to do quite well. I am also going to try a food diary. He doesn't have much processed food. Cheerios for breakfast, usually grill cheese and steamed veggies for lunch )or pizza and veggies) and then whatever we have for dinner (which is seldom, if ever processed because Jesse won't eat processed food). We *were* eating the GG meals, but we stopped. I think I was looking for a reason to stop spending $2 a day for his lunches.

I typically don't react when he does this, I walk away. I have to in order to keep from crying. It just breaks my heart.

Thanks for the input ladies. I have some really GREAT advice to take away and attempt.

Leanna, early-intervention? What is that and where do I go to get one?

Seriously, I will be calling his pediatrician on MOnday...he is breaking my heart.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

Oh hon . No advice, just hugs

 

[Linnis]

DS gets really upset and will do anything to hit his head etc. The best thing I've found it to run a bath and stick him in. He will suddenly stop being so upset, splash around etc. Sometimes the bear hug thing works and sometimes he hurts me too much(Yes, I dread when he's 2 or 3 and does this) and I'll put him in the playpen or hand him off to Dad.

Some days I wish he could live in the bath.

I try to voice his feelings tell him he's angry and that I wish I knew why so I could fix it.

 

[Leanna]

I'm in tears reading this girls. Thank you so much for your responses. I look back on it and while, like I said, it was a very small issue before, it has been a big issue since we have been visiting back home. Since we have been back in TX, he hasn't had a schedule at ALL because we have been trying to see everyone before we leave back to NC again. When we are home (in NC), he is on such a STRICT schedule and he seems to do quite well.

David is a "spirited" child and he also really needs a schedule. He is also very particular about order. He had a really hard time on vacation this summer (if I had it to do over again, I would not have gone, it was that bad), and was so glad when we came back home. So your son may also be having a really hard time not being in his home environment with his regular routine. Some kids are like that.

Leanna, early-intervention? What is that and where do I go to get one?

Seriously, I will be calling his pediatrician on MOnday...he is breaking my heart.

You can ask your ped about it, early intervention is for kids that may have a delay.... in speech or social skills or stuff like that.... maybe he doesn't though...

 

[jessesgirl]

Oh, see that makes me want to cry too. Ugh.

 

[Athene]

Just sounds like a normal 14 month old thing to me, they don't have the language skills to communicate frustration so they do it through screaming, yelling and head butting things. All 3 of mine have head butted things out of frustration, I dealt with it by letting them get on with it, providing they weren't about to hit their head off a sharp corner and then all I'd do is put my hand over the corner so they head butted my hand instead.

 

[TexasSky]

You sound more like a saint than a horrible Mom.
Even the best mothers in the world would have reacted much more badly to this.

Have you talked to a pediatrician? I did a really quick google and learned this is not an uncommon problem. It sound like it could be dangerous, for you and your little one.

The very last link sounded like it might have the most information. You also may be relieved to know it starts off with this paragraph: "Head banging can develop in both kinds of children who are in a healthy physical shape and are emotionally happy as well as in the children who are having development problem and sensory problem."

It does say, though, that a child who is doing it to the point of possible self-harm needs to be seen by a pediatrician because there could be something else going on.

You need to make the doctor understand that it is serious enough to injure both the child and you.


http://www.drgreene.org/body.cfm?id=21&action=detail&ref=578

http://www.mamashealth.com/child/headbang.asp

http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_head-banging-why-it-happens-and-what-to-do-about-it_63575.pc

http://www.babycenter.com/0_head-banging_11554.bc

http://life.familyeducation.com/behavioral-problems/sleep/41319.html

http://www.peoples-health.com/head_banging.htm

 

[Leanna]

 

[Mickeyk72]

My son did the headbanging and would bite his hand when he was frustrated. He also liked to hit me. He just didn't know how to express it. We felt much the way that you do. We started sticking to a routine and that helped until he learned to talk.

I would also like to recommend a book that helped me.
The New Strong-Willed Child by Dr. James C. Dobson

 

[jessesgirl]

Oh, more books! Thanks SO much, I love parenting books! I'll look into it. I still have the book The Strong Willed Child...but I haven't read it. I should.

Thanks all of you...I'm so glad that a couple of you at least have experienced this.

Thanks for the links, too Texas. I am going to read them right now. We did better today. Just fits, no head banging. Poor baby, though. He is ALWAYS tired. He sleeps all night long and naps pretty well for the most part but he's constantly fussy and rubbing his little eyeballs!

 

[angelsgirl]

I don't have any advice for you jessesgirl... just
But i want you to know that I am praying for you and your little one!!!

 

[heart of peace]

Argh!!! I typed out a loooong response and the CF demons ate it...

I will try to summarize my points:

- EI is not something to fear. My son was speech delayed a year ago, we worked with EI and his speech therapist was a major blessing. In 6 months she managed to bridge the gap and now at 3 it is hard to believe that he was ever speech delayed.

- His frustrations levels definitely have lessened as he matured, gained speech, was able to comprehend some more abstract thoughts and gained healthier alternatives to handeling frustrating situations.

- Within the spirited category, there are varying levels. It sounds like my son and your son are way up there with intensity! My son handles it differently than yours but to people that don't know him, they are taken aback by his reactions. It is not something anyone can truly give advice on unless they are or have experienced it.

- Spanking a child for having big emotions is really unfair. They are not being willfully disobedient, they are not being manipulative, they are struggling to handle emotions that bubble up inside them. Spanking will only breed more aggression in them. The holding method is something I would only recommend employing if he is a danger to himself or others. I have seen those who use the holding method excessively and it is just as, if not more, violent than hitting a kid. (I think it originated with autistic children and children who experienced trauma, I have seen videos of its use in therapy sessions and it was shocking and convinced me that it is certainly violent, holding someone agaisnt their will is something that happens to rape victims.)

- My suggestions include definitely seeking your doc's advice as well as just remaining consistent and stable. Can you imagine how scary it must be for them when they experience these episodes? Then when their caregiver doles out a swat, where do they turn for comfort and stability? That is why they shouldn't be spanked. Rather, consistent, firm and loving guidelines should be administered in a calm and composed manner. If they are hurting themself, hold them in the bear hug suggested, explain it is not ok to hurt themselves. Release them when they can refrain from hurting themself. Actively listen to them and help them by putting into words the emotions they are feeling. This way when they are in the throes of a meltdown, they can reliably turn to look upon the face of their parent - their anchor, the one to hold their boat upright when circumstances are threatening to overturn them.


Hth and I will pray for you . Please think of me as well, we had several episodes this past weekend that drained my life energy as well.

ETA:
- One other thing I just remembered from my last eaten post. I have noticed that my son tends to have a higher occurence of episodes during rapid growth stages (i.e. going from crawling to walking), when he can't express what he is thinking or feeling and when he feels very passionate about something.

Remember, your son is perfectly and wonderfully made. God had a purpose in mind for him when he crafted him within your womb. Hang on to God's promises for your son, He has a plan for his future, one of hope. Our job is to figure out how to help them discharge these overwhelming emotions in healthier ways and then to channel it appropriately to benefit them and for God's glory. Think of it, can't you just imagine your son 30 years from now standing up to an oppressive authority figure and boldly calling him/her out on his/her corrupt authority?! lol

 

[Sunset2009]

I'm not a mom, but I do have a response, if that's okay.

All babies have different temperaments and your son is expressing his frustration the "dramatic" way. Throwing a fit does not mean your child is delayed in any way, a LOT of babies bang their heads (I've seen so many!).

You said Justin is often tired. This is from an article I read on "head bangers"..

In most cases, babies and toddlers bang their heads to relax and self-soothe. They do it when they're lying in bed, or when they're tired. And when you think about other things that soothe babies, such as rocking, swinging or sitting in a bouncy chair, then the connection is a little easier to see.


"We've always known that kids are comforted in the car because they are soothed by the vibrating and motion," says Dr. Charles Shubin, the director of pediatrics at Mercy FamilyCare in Baltimore, Md. "Head banging provides the same kind of rhythmic comfort."

Children who bang their heads when they are awake and active may be releasing tension or looking for attention, as it doesn't take kids long to learn that self-destructive behavior usually elicits a response from Mom and Dad. And some kids may bang their heads for stimulation when they're bored or lonely.

Here's the article http://www.toddlerstoday.com/articles/toddler-safety/little-head-bangers-4588/

 

[Singin4Him]

I would also recommed the The New Strong Willed-Child! It's a very good book! I'm not a huge fan of Dr. Dobson but he does have some great parenting advice!

Elijah is a strong-willed little one, he likes to throw tantrums when he isn't getting his way and it is magnified that much more when he is tired and off his schedule! It sounds me to me that Justin may be a little confused being off his scedule AND going back and forth from one environment to another. You guys just recently moved too didn't you? That may be causing a little insecurity and confusion as well, I know Elijah does better when things are consistant, and when you move things get all out of wack anyway so that it probably going to take some adjusting. Instead of you going out to see everyone, why don't you ask them to come to you, if that is possible.That way Justin can stay on schedule and he'll feel a little more stability.


I think the whole tantrum thing is a typical thing at this age as they cannot verbally communicate their feelings and desires. Have you tried sign language? Working a little sign lanuage with him will give him a little more communication with you and may ease some frustration. That's just another suggestion for ya. I think the schedule and food things will be the ones that make the big difference.