Causes of Divorce

[SonicBOOM]

But marriage IS sacred! At least, I think it should be!

of course it should be sacred.... but it's not our everything. John Eldredge has an interesting veiw on this. He pretty much says that marriage is viewed by most people as an endless joy and sex an never ending pleasure. This doesn't line up well with reality though and it raises some false hopes and people are vastly disappointed when they get married. Basically we take marriage and put it in the place of God.

 

[gottabemore2life]

...marriage is viewed by most people as an endless joy and sex an never ending pleasure.

Who has he been talking to?

I always though marriage was hard work. Do most people really think its one big honeymoon?

 

[ido]

^^ Honestly, gottabe - I think that is what is so frustrating for those of us here who have been divorced. Too many people have looked at us along the way and assumed that we didn't view marriage as sacred - or that we didn't try hard enough to save our marriages.

But, as ListeningEars pointed out - while it does take two people for a marriage to succeed, often it only takes one for a marriage to fail. I have never shared my full testimony - it's more than I really care to share on a public forum - but suffice it to say that I went through a bible study on The Power of a Praying Wife when I separated from my ex. I wanted to make sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that there wasn't something I could have done better/differently. It helped me realize that I had exhausted all of my resources. It was up to my ex to take the necessary steps he needed to take to heal himself in order to heal our marriage and he flat out refused to do so.

So, just because someone divorces does not mean that we don't view marriage as sacred. I hope you understand that.

 

[gottabemore2life]

^^ Honestly, gottabe - I think that is what is so frustrating for those of us here who have been divorced. Too many people have looked at us along the way and assumed that we didn't view marriage as sacred - or that we didn't try hard enough to save our marriages.

But, as ListeningEars pointed out - while it does take two people for a marriage to succeed, often it only takes one for a marriage to fail. I have never shared my full testimony - it's more than I really care to share on a public forum - but suffice it to say that I went through a bible study on The Power of a Praying Wife when I separated from my ex. I wanted to make sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that there wasn't something I could have done better/differently. It helped me realize that I had exhausted all of my resources. It was up to my ex to take the necessary steps he needed to take to heal himself in order to heal our marriage and he flat out refused to do so.

So, just because someone divorces does not mean that we don't view marriage as sacred. I hope you understand that.

I never said you didn't. It's obvious to me you do.

 

[Niels]

This is just speculation, as I'm not an expert on divorce, but here are some of my thoughts:

"Irreconcilable differences" strikes me as safe way to split without, damaging reputations. Especially when children are involved. Mommy or Daddy may be a violent cheater, but neither want to disillusion the kids. Also, if violence is involved, one partner may agree to keep quiet out of fear. Not stating the real reason for divorce would enable the couple to split without drawing a lot of attention.

That said, I wouldn't be surprised if the overwhelming cause of divorce is infidelity. Given how common cheating is, the low tolerance people have for being cheated on, and the number of marriages that end in divorce, it all seems to point in that direction.

Personally, I don't know many people who divorced because their spouse was annoying etc. Usually infidelity, physical violence, or major substance abuse was involved.

 

[gottabemore2life]

This is just speculation, as I'm not an expert on divorce, but here are some of my thoughts:

"Irreconcilable differences" strikes me as safe way to split without, damaging reputations. Especially when children are involved. Mommy or Daddy may be a violent cheater, but neither want to disillusion the kids. Also, if violence is involved, one partner may agree to keep quiet out of fear. Not stating the real reason for divorce would enable the couple to split without drawing a lot of attention.

That said, I wouldn't be surprised if the overwhelming cause of divorce is infidelity. Given how common cheating is, the low tolerance people have for being cheated on, and the number of marriages that end in divorce, it all seems to point in that direction.

Personally, I don't know many people who divorced because their spouse was annoying etc. Usually infidelity, physical violence, or major substance abuse was involved.

Interesting thoughts.

 

[Axcelcius]

Explain...?

But marriage IS sacred! At least, I think it should be!

Simply put the church is referred to as Christ's bride and there is a whole book that is about it. SoS.

So yes it is sacred but being minimized in culture. I almost got married once and I am so thankful I didn't because it wouldn't have been pretty.

 

[SonicBOOM]

Who has he been talking to?

I always though marriage was hard work. Do most people really think its one big honeymoon?

most people really do. Expecaully in the church actully. I know I used to because of the way the church has taught marrege. I remember being told by my youth pastor to write a list of the "perfect wife" and ask god to bless it. where's the love in that??

 

[ido]

most people really do. Expecaully in the church actully. I know I used to because of the way the church has taught marrege. I remember being told by my youth pastor to write a list of the "perfect wife" and ask god to bless it. where's the love in that??

So, you don't believe that we should pray for God to put the intended person in our path?

I don't necessarily agree with writing out a list - but I do believe that we should pray that God prepare our hearts and the heart of the person He intends for us - so that our paths can cross at the right time.

 

[joyouspirit]

Who has he been talking to?

I always though marriage was hard work. Do most people really think its one big honeymoon?

I once did say unknowingly to my sister, "We haven't had our honeymoon yet?"

And she said, "Well, just think everyday is your honeymoon!"

I believe so, marriage wouldn't be that hard if two parties are in it together and you communicate about the littlest stuff you can imagine.

God bless!!!

 

[fishin4christ]

I've been reading a few articles about this today, because I figured most divorces were about the little stuff, or lack of communication. Here's 5 of the most common reasons I found.

1. Poor communication
2. Financial problems
3. A lack of commitment to the marriage
4. A dramatic change in priorities
5. Infidelity

 

[Axcelcius]

I've been reading a few articles about this today, because I figured most divorces were about the little stuff, or lack of communication. Here's 5 of the most common reasons I found.

1. Poor communication
2. Financial problems
3. A lack of commitment to the marriage
4. A dramatic change in priorities
5. Infidelity

I do believe that those are the key factors that every other issue stems from.

 

[joyouspirit]

I've been reading a few articles about this today, because I figured most divorces were about the little stuff, or lack of communication. Here's 5 of the most common reasons I found.

1. Poor communication
2. Financial problems
3. A lack of commitment to the marriage
4. A dramatic change in priorities
5. Infidelity

marriage wouldn't be that hard if two parties are in it together and you communicate about the littlest stuff you can imagine.

I know its repetition but it is from experience and I would repeat it sooo many times especially with the young generation here.

 

[SonicBOOM]

So, you don't believe that we should pray for God to put the intended person in our path?

I don't necessarily agree with writing out a list - but I do believe that we should pray that God prepare our hearts and the heart of the person He intends for us - so that our paths can cross at the right time.

naw we should prepare ourselves.... but don't teach marrege like it's our all and all. Because we will be disappointed big time. As gottabe said...... marrege is hard work and even Paul says that married couples will encounter alot of trouble. I think those who think that marrege will be our every answer are highly deceived and they will probably end up in divorce because they will release that disappointment and anger out on the person who their married to.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Haven't read the whole thread, and I don't know the statistics about divorce, but here's some statistics on abuse.

Prevalence of Domestic Violence

• Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend per year1 to three million women who are physically abused by their husband or boyfriend per year.2
• Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.3
• Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives, according to a 1998 Commonwealth Fund survey.4
• Nearly 25 percent of American women report being raped and/or physically assaulted by a current or former spouse, cohabiting partner, or date at some time in their lifetime, according to the National Violence Against Women Survey, conducted from November 1995 to May 1996.5
• Thirty percent of Americans say they know a woman who has been physically abused by her husband or boyfriend in the past year.6
• In the year 2001, more than half a million American women (588,490 women) were victims of nonfatal violence committed by an intimate partner.7
• Intimate partner violence is primarily a crime against women. In 2001, women accounted for 85 percent of the victims of intimate partner violence (588,490 total) and men accounted for approximately 15 percent of the victims (103,220 total).8
• While women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes overall, women are five to eight times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner.9
• In 2001, intimate partner violence made up 20 percent of violent crime against women. The same year, intimate partners committed three percent of all violent crime against men.10
• As many as 324,000 women each year experience intimate partner violence during their pregnancy.11
• Women of all races are about equally vulnerable to violence by an intimate.12
• Male violence against women does much more damage than female violence against men; women are much more likely to be injured than men.13
• The most rapid growth in domestic relations caseloads is occurring in domestic violence filings. Between 1993 and 1995, 18 of 32 states with three year filing figures reported an increase of 20 percent or more.14
• Women are seven to 14 times more likely than men to report suffering severe physical assaults from an intimate partner.15

Domestic Homicides

• On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day. In 2000, 1,247 women were killed by an intimate partner. The same year, 440 men were killed by an intimate partner.16
• Women are much more likely than men to be killed by an intimate partner. In 2000, intimate partner homicides accounted for 33.5 percent of the murders of women and less than four percent of the murders of men.17
• Pregnant and recently pregnant women are more likely to be victims of homicide than to die of any other cause18 , and evidence exists that a significant proportion of all female homicide victims are killed by their intimate partners.19
• Research suggests that injury related deaths, including homicide and suicide, account for approximately one-third of all maternal mortality cases, while medical reasons make up the rest. But, homicide is the leading cause of death overall for pregnant women, followed by cancer, acute and chronic respiratory conditions, motor vehicle collisions and drug overdose, peripartum and postpartum cardiomyopthy, and suicide.20

Health Issues

• The health-related costs of rape, physical assault, stalking and homicide committed by intimate partners exceed $5.8 billion each year. Of that amount, nearly $4.1 billion are for direct medical and mental health care services, and nearly $1.8 billion are for the indirect costs of lost productivity or wages.21
• About half of all female victims of intimate violence report an injury of some type, and about 20 percent of them seek medical assistance.22
• Thirty-seven percent of women who sought treatment in emergency rooms for violence-related injuries in 1994 were injured by a current or former spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend.23

Domestic Violence and Youth

• Approximately one in five female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner.24
• Eight percent of high school age girls said “yes” when asked if “a boyfriend or date has ever forced sex against your will.”25
• Forty percent of girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.26
• During the 1996-1997 school year, there were an estimated 4,000 incidents of rape or other types of sexual assault in public schools across the country.27

Domestic Violence and Children

• In a national survey of more than 6,000 American families, 50 percent of the men who frequently assaulted their wives also frequently abused their children.28
• Slightly more than half of female victims of intimate violence live in households with children under age 12.29
• Studies suggest that between 3.3 - 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually.30

http://www.endabuse.org/resources/facts/

 

[ido]

naw we should prepare ourselves.... but don't teach marrege like it's our all and all. Because we will be disappointed big time. As gottabe said...... marrege is hard work and even Paul says that married couples will encounter alot of trouble. I think those who think that marrege will be our every answer are highly deceived and they will probably end up in divorce because they will release that disappointment and anger out on the person who their married to.

That I totally agree with - marriage is not some relationship mecca that is the end-all-be-all when you get there. Marriage is what you make it to be. If you work hard at it, you will have a good marriage.

Struggles in a relationship have the potential to make a marriage stronger or weaker based on how the couple handles them. This reminds me of the purebred vs. jackass thread I started a while back.

 

[Sketcher]

The news is pretty bad, folks.

He found that the number one reason cited in divorce proceedings for the general population was incompatibility, but Christians rarely use that as grounds for a divorce.

"In the Christian population, the reasons are adultery, abuse (including substance, physical and verbal abuse) and abandonment," Whiteman says.

And Christians tend to hang on to bad marriages longer than others, he says. "The good news is we are staying together longer and taking marriage seriously, but the bad news is we're putting up with a lot more pain and ending up getting divorced anyway."

http://www.adivorcelawfirm.com/chirstian-divorce-rate.asp

Whiteman says cases in which one spouse's religious conversion becomes a "bone of contention" happen occasionally, but the partners hardly ever admit that is the cause. "Usually the unbelieving spouse talks more in terms of jealousy -- You care more about that church than you do me.'"

From the same source. Don't get with unbelievers.

Here are some of Barna's findings. We apparently hear God's instruction on the matter, yet we reject it:

http://www.barna.org/FlexPage.aspx?Page=BarnaUpdateNarrow&BarnaUpdateID=170

 

[ido]

I have definitely found this statement:

And Christians tend to hang on to bad marriages longer than others, he says. "The good news is we are staying together longer and taking marriage seriously, but the bad news is we're putting up with a lot more pain and ending up getting divorced anyway."

to be true amongst my Christian friends (and myself) that are in the divorced population.

 

[GuacaMolly]

It is pretty disheartening, isn't it. I, for one, have seen my parents together for 27 years, through some amazingly difficult circumstances. I think that the number one deciding factor is mutual commitment to God being the absolute head of the household. I think that if both spouses are united in their service of God and what he wants for their lives, any storm can be weathered.

I can't imagine being the spouse ready to give that level of commitment, only to find your partner not willing or able.

I try not to even think about this, because what good will it do? As long as I stay in prayer, and make wise choices if I meet someone I plan on marrying*, I've held up my end of the bargain, the rest of the burden isn't on my shoulders or within my realm of control.



*Those wise choices being a long courtship/engagement, premarital counseling, and it goes without saying that my match will be seeking God's face as his top priority.

 

[ido]

It is pretty disheartening, isn't it. I, for one, have seen my parents together for 27 years, through some amazingly difficult circumstances. I think that the number one deciding factor is mutual commitment to God being the absolute head of the household. I think that if both spouses are united in their service of God and what he wants for their lives, any storm can be weathered.

I can't imagine being the spouse ready to give that level of commitment, only to find your partner not willing or able.

I try not to even think about this, because what good will it do? As long as I stay in prayer, and make wise choices if I meet someone I plan on marrying*, I've held up my end of the bargain, the rest of the burden isn't on my shoulders or within my realm of control.



*Those wise choices being a long courtship/engagement, premarital counseling, and it goes without saying that my match will be seeking God's face as his top priority.

It is extremely disheartening - especially when you are/were the spouse that was doing the upholding. I "thought" I knew the person I was marrying, we sought premarital counseling - as well as counseling throughout our marriage, and I was fully committed to doing whatever it would take to have my marriage thrive and overcome any struggles.

It was a devestating realization that my husband - a man that took a vow to love and honor and cherish me - wasn't willing/able to take the necessary steps to carry his share of the responsibility. I did eventually realize tho that he probably never truly loved me (I don't think he's personally capable of truly loving) - b/c you don't look at someone you are in love with the way he would look at me towards the end. So much hostility and hatred. Even with everything he's put me through - I don't hate him...but I do hate what this situation is doing to our kids.