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She's just not that into me?

CoachR64

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I have to agree with the lady from florida. For a third date, that seems a bit much. That sounds more like something a couple would do for valentines day or an anniversary, not a third date. But then again, I have never been accused of being overly romantic either. I consider dinner and miniature golf a heck of a 3rd date!

Coach
 
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KomissarSteve

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Too much too soon. That date sounds great, but honestly - if a guy went to all that trouble for me on the third date, I would seriously believe he had ulterior motives. Most guys that come on that strong in the very beginning are doing so to get lucky. I'm not saying that is your intention - but unfortunately, other guys have pretty much sealed that premise in stone for women.

Yeah, I think you might be right about this. I wonder what the first two dates were like...
 
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Gardener101

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Horse and carriage ride? Wow, wish that was offered where I live. Need a bigger city for it. But it seems like something I would only do for a long-term girlfriend/fiancee/wife and not a girl this early. At this stage, you should be testing her out to see if she's up to your standards or if she's just like all the other girls out there.

I agree with this, which is why I told him to scale back on future dates and make them simpler and CHEAPER.


PS: I can't keep quoting you properly, so I will just reply in blue font, okay? :)



if she's leaning away from you on your third encounter, something's definitely wrong (read: no chemistry).

Wrong. Nothing has to be wrong. She's might not be ready yet, it does not mean there is no chemistry. Besides, for some people, chemistry is not instant....but very gradual.


And even when you explicitly bring it up, she "stayed exactly where she was." Dude, this is significant. Any girl who truly likes you is going to be touching you all the time, even when you don't expect it or want it. She'll find any excuse TO touch you and get closer to you.


Okay, funny that you should mention when it is appropriate for him to spend so much money on dates with her...i.e. when she is his girlfriend for sure...but then not think that maybe this also applies to her? As far as I am concerned, what you described above should be reserved for a boyfriend...which he is not, at the moment anyway.


It's awesome you play guitar -- a lot of women like musical talent.

True

It seems like you're trying to "woo" her or "win" her, and those actions scream "NICE GUY."

True. And now you see, we have some agreement regarding my 'common sense' comments about fairytale romantic actions = wooing the woman.

It's cute that you tried to jokingly put your arm around her like they did in the Simpsons episode, but that automatically made it unoriginal. You're copying another idea (following) instead of coming up with your own ideas (taking the lead).

This is not really that big a deal. I would have found his actions cute and funny, just as he intended.

Chicks who like you love getting groped, LOL. And they'll do most of the groping. THEY will start the grope war with you. :D

Wrong, but also correct. Basically, these actions usually occur AFTER it is well established that the guy is the girls boyfriend i.e. they are in an exclusive relationship.

She also "told you that she didn't want you to do it," -- whoa! If a girl is rejecting your arm, what makes you think she'll NOT reject the whole of your body?

Erm...how about thinking from her point of view? If he's stretching his arm and trying to place it near her breasts, what makes her think he'll NOT try to place it on the whole of her body there and then? So she might have felt she had to take action and stop it.



"Flash forward to the end of the date" -- OK, some more flags with this paragraph:

1) If it's this early in any dating phase, don't be her transportation slave/chauffeur. Meet up mutually and both provide your own transportation/escape routes.

I agree...but that is ONLY because you implied that this was some sort of great inconvenience for you (financial or time wise).



3) Kissing a girl at her door is so cliche and cheesy. Avoid it.

:eek: Excuse me! It's not cheesy for every single woman out there. There are women who like traditional values in men and consider this act to be of that ilk.

It's also weird that at date #3 you're only trying to kiss her on the CHEEK. I'm gonna assume you two never even kissed anytime earlier. That spells no chemistry to me.

Flipping eck! That is so wrong! There could be chemistry! You don't have to kiss within 3 dates to prove you have chemistry.


Also, she even said "don't try to kiss me." WHOA! RED FLAG! ABORT! She already rejected your arm, and now she's rejecting your face.

It's not a red flag. It makes perfect logical sense. Eearlier in the date he tried to put his arm around her, maybe too close to her breast for comfort....and then later on she thought he was not taking the hint that she was not yet ready, and was moving in for a full on kiss. Do you not know that women have to deal with such things on numerous occasions from all sorts of guys...even the ones who claim to be Christians?

And she had to say 'don't try to kiss me' to make her point clear, because previously she had given him an indication of when she feels comfortable for the first kiss...all he had to do was wait for date 4 or 5... heck, she told him to make it easier for him to know THE RIGHT TIME TO MAKE A MOVE!



2) "She says she is attracted" to you but her body language keeps telling you otherwise. While I'm a STRONG believer in honesty (as a Christian), there are still so many liars and hypocrites out there. This girl is a liar and hypocrite.

:eek: Harsh and cruel. :sigh: Why insult the girl like this? How can you possibly know she is a liar and hypocrite? You are only hearing one side of the story. It seems like you are not willing to give her the benefit of the doubt at all.


She says she's attracted to you? She's lying.
:(


If she liked you, her words would match her body language. And they would be positive and awesome.

I guess you've never been on dates with a shy or reserved girl? Maybe a girl who is not shy, but is reserved because she is weary of having guys pouncing on her for physical 'affections'.


3) She told you she prefers to wait to kiss a guy until the 4th or 5th date? B-S! Pure B-S.

Wrong! I take offence to this! I told my first boyfriend this very same thing!!! I told him after our first date, when he appeared to try to kiss me. I dodged it, said goodnight and ran into the house. I could tell he was upset, so I explained it to him. And true to form, I did kiss him on our fifth date or so. He was wise to hang around and wait until I was ready cus we went on to have an awesome relationship that lasted almost FOUR YEARS! :clap:



Once again, she may say she's a Christian, but she's telling you another LIE. Reject her. Reject all liars.

:(:swoon: I thought women were normally this dramatic.


(But the take-home point here is any girl who really likes you loves getting close to you and would want to kiss you on the first date or even BEFORE the first date. I promise you.)

That is a blatant lie based on absolutely no facts whatsoever. If you are basing YOUR personal experiences as the standard for womanhood, it shows that you have a LOT to learn about women. Quite a lot, actually.


2) Both commited to abstinence? Maybe you, but she probably isn't.

Cynical eh? Guess what? Cynical guys have difficulties when it comes to sustaining a fulfilling relationship.


...you'll see her get physical with another guy. Watch it. It's really painful to see.

This is totally OTT.


Don't do everything she says. She's not your boss.

I agree. She needs to know who the man is. :p


b) You're not being a man and taking the lead. You're letting HER take the lead. Always.

I agree. If she feels that she can say 'jump!' and you say 'how high?' then she will see you as less of a man and she will lose interest in you....or date you so she can use you...like a personal slave who spends all his money on her. Women like strong men who are able to say yes or no at the right time.

2) You and Gardener are correct that you're doing "too much too soon." She doesn't have intimacy issues, she IS playing you.

This is purely speculation, why do you write it like it is a known fact? Where you there?



Do not "give her a few more dates to open up to you."

Wrong. Persistence pays off, but only the strong persist. If you give up at the first sign of a hurdle, what does that say about your longevity and sincerity? How would she interpret your actions? She would probably think "Wow, so because I refused to kiss him he's no longer interested. I guess he was only into me for one thing"



A girl should be open to you before the first date. Otherwise there's no chemistry. No attraction.

This is verging on the absurd! BEFORE the first date? What is she? Psychic?

3) If a woman truly liked you, she would want the TV *OFF* during dinner.

Wrong! Hey, do you...like...EVER hang out with very shy people? Or those with very mild or varying levels of social phobia? Have you ever fretted about 'what to talk about on a date'?


She wanted the TV on during dinner so that she could pay LESS attention to you, and more to anything but you.

Possibly wrong. Sometimes a socially awkward person would welcome the distraction so that it could provide conversational cues for them! For example, maybe with the TV on, she could start a conversation relating to something she is overhearing or seeing, e.g. "What do you make of that dress she's wearing?" or if it's a news program, she could say "What is your impression of this situation?"

Think about it. Why do shy men like to go to the movies on a first date? So they don't have to talk during the date, and so that after the date, they can have something to talk about....ie. the movie!



OK, this is the first G101 post in this thread I 100% agree with. Shocking, I know. ;)

Only problem is she typed "cut her lose" instead of "cut her loose," but I'll let it slide. I can't expect perfection. :D

Everyone who thinks they know me on CF know that I am dyslexic...so bleh :p

1) E-mailing every day? Way too often. You clearly have too much free time, and too much free time for her.

Agreed. Scarcity is important at the beginning. Don't invest too much time so soon.

You're smothering her with attention.

Agreed. It could lead to resentment or her taking you for granted, and she's not even met you yet!


2) Talking on the phone for several hours? Same mistake. This is a GOOD thing if she's your girlfriend, but if this is some random girl, you're giving her too much of yourself by talking on the phone for several hours this early.

ABSOLUTELY SPOT ON! :thumbsup:

3) Been on 10 dates instead of 3? This is all in your head. This is all your mental fantasy. What truly matters is reality.

True.


The key is to MAKE her comfortable with you ASAP.

:scratch: Seriously dude, what's the bleeping rush?

In other words, BEFORE the first date she should already be smothering you.

:doh:
 
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traingosorry

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I'll be honest Alexei - you are a good looking guy, you seem respectful and intelligent but if I were her and by the third date you had already commissioned the horse and buggy and playing guitar, I'd be running for the hills.
While I'm sure some girls would be won over by this, but it puts me off to be wooed to that extent. She may have been interested in date 1 & 2 and then have been scared off.

I say stand back a bit and wait for her to come to you.
Otherwise, on her part she sounds a bit annoying and she seems to be leading you on. Has she mentioned anything to you since then about not seeing you again?
 
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KomissarSteve

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I say stand back a bit and wait for her to come to you.

Definitely; that's the best possible advice. Right now, Alexei, you're making yourself far too available, and it's a turnoff for women when you come off as needy at this early point in the game. Women should see you as kind and generous, but also as completely independent and strong enough to stand on your own.

They need to be gunning for your attention just as much as you're gunning for theirs.
 
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AlexeiKaramazov

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Ooh, what has happened to my thread in my absence...it has grown ginormous!

Wrong. Nothing has to be wrong. She's might not be ready yet, it does not mean there is no chemistry. Besides, for some people, chemistry is not instant....but very gradual.
This is true, that at least it's a possibility. Not a very likely one, but possible.

And even when you explicitly bring it up, she "stayed exactly where she was." Dude, this is significant. Any girl who truly likes you is going to be touching you all the time, even when you don't expect it or want it. She'll find any excuse TO touch you and get closer to you.


Okay, funny that you should mention when it is appropriate for him to spend so much money on dates with her...i.e. when she is his girlfriend for sure...but then not think that maybe this also applies to her? As far as I am concerned, what you described above should be reserved for a boyfriend...which he is not, at the moment anyway.
Yeah, this is down to the girl's pace again...if a girl really wants to move that slow, she won't be up on you at this early a juncture.

It's awesome you play guitar -- a lot of women like musical talent.

True
Yeah, I think it's pretty cool...of course the song was somewhat hampered by her taking the music away from me in the middle and remarking that I "really should have memorized it". I only had the week to learn it and had to deal with work and school. I did a good job of playing it, though.


It seems like you're trying to "woo" her or "win" her, and those actions scream "NICE GUY."

True. And now you see, we have some agreement regarding my 'common sense' comments about fairytale romantic actions = wooing the woman.
Ok, what's the alternative, then? I wasn't purposefully picking super romantic stuff (the horse and carriage ride was free, that's why I picked it!), just stuff that seemed fun.

It's cute that you tried to jokingly put your arm around her like they did in the Simpsons episode, but that automatically made it unoriginal. You're copying another idea (following) instead of coming up with your own ideas (taking the lead).

This is not really that big a deal. I would have found his actions cute and funny, just as he intended.
Yeah, I don't know if most women really care about "originality" with something like that. Though she did say a guy had never done the arm thing with her before...

Chicks who like you love getting groped, LOL. And they'll do most of the groping. THEY will start the grope war with you.

Wrong, but also correct. Basically, these actions usually occur AFTER it is well established that the guy is the girls boyfriend i.e. they are in an exclusive relationship.
Exactly, I don't know very many "good Christian girls" who if they are actually good and not just pretending would really want to get that physical that quickly. There are the girls who don't even want to kiss until marriage...

She also "told you that she didn't want you to do it," -- whoa! If a girl is rejecting your arm, what makes you think she'll NOT reject the whole of your body?

Erm...how about thinking from her point of view? If he's stretching his arm and trying to place it near her breasts, what makes her think he'll NOT try to place it on the whole of her body there and then? So she might have felt she had to take action and stop it.
Well, I had put my arm around her on a previous date. She said she didn't mind me doing it, yet after saying that made no move to get closer to where I could do it. Another thing is this girl has worn her coat everywhere. I asked her about it on date #1, why she didn't take it off in the restaurant, she said it was a "comfort thing". I can understand this as I used to feel the same way, but it's indicative of trust issues.

"Flash forward to the end of the date" -- OK, some more flags with this paragraph:

1) If it's this early in any dating phase, don't be her transportation slave/chauffeur. Meet up mutually and both provide your own transportation/escape routes.

I agree...but that is ONLY because you implied that this was some sort of great inconvenience for you (financial or time wise).
Well, here is another problem...she has no job, no working car and lives with her mother. So me doing everything is the only option right now unfortunately. I hate this! If she had any way of doing it I'd definitely demand that she meet me halfway. I don't want to get used. But I can't really put these demands on her when she has no means to accomplish them. I did suggest that maybe she meet me halfway once and she just said "How would I do that?". It bugged me that she didn't even attempt to find a ride.

3) Kissing a girl at her door is so cliche and cheesy. Avoid it.
Excuse me! It's not cheesy for every single woman out there. There are women who like traditional values in men and consider this act to be of that ilk.
Yeah, again, I don't think I need to worry about being cliche with this girl.

It's also weird that at date #3 you're only trying to kiss her on the CHEEK. I'm gonna assume you two never even kissed anytime earlier. That spells no chemistry to me.

Flipping eck! That is so wrong! There could be chemistry! You don't have to kiss within 3 dates to prove you have chemistry.
Yeah, well she made it clear she didn't want to kiss until at least date #4 or 5 if not after. I can respect this, but I won't wait forever either. She also said she was fine with a cheek kiss, she was calling me back so I could give it to her but I was too upset to listen.

Also, she even said "don't try to kiss me." WHOA! RED FLAG! ABORT! She already rejected your arm, and now she's rejecting your face.

It's not a red flag. It makes perfect logical sense. Eearlier in the date he tried to put his arm around her, maybe too close to her breast for comfort....and then later on she thought he was not taking the hint that she was not yet ready, and was moving in for a full on kiss. Do you not know that women have to deal with such things on numerous occasions from all sorts of guys...even the ones who claim to be Christians?
Well, my arm was nowhere near a breast. It was barely across her shoulder she was so far away! She just thought I was trying to kiss her on the mouth even though I was nowhere near her mouth and was quite obviously going for the cheek. She didn't trust me enough to assume I wouldn't try to kiss her on the mouth.
2) "She says she is attracted" to you but her body language keeps telling you otherwise. While I'm a STRONG believer in honesty (as a Christian), there are still so many liars and hypocrites out there. This girl is a liar and hypocrite.

:eek: Harsh and cruel. Why insult the girl like this? How can you possibly know she is a liar and hypocrite? You are only hearing one side of the story. It seems like you are not willing to give her the benefit of the doubt at all.
She could definitely be a liar/hypocrite...or she could be telling the truth. I can't tell yet.

She says she's attracted to you? She's lying.



If she liked you, her words would match her body language. And they would be positive and awesome.

I guess you've never been on dates with a shy or reserved girl? Maybe a girl who is not shy, but is reserved because she is weary of having guys pouncing on her for physical 'affections'.
Yes, she said she's shy when it comes to these things. She hasn't had a lot of boyfriends, but the ones she's had have treated her wrongly, I guess...including the one she slept with.

3) She told you she prefers to wait to kiss a guy until the 4th or 5th date? B-S! Pure B-S.

Wrong! I take offence to this! I told my first boyfriend this very same thing!!! I told him after our first date, when he appeared to try to kiss me. I dodged it, said goodnight and ran into the house. I could tell he was upset, so I explained it to him. And true to form, I did kiss him on our fifth date or so. He was wise to hang around and wait until I was ready cus we went on to have an awesome relationship that lasted almost FOUR YEARS! :clap:
Yeah, there are a lot of women that feel this way. For most of them it's sex rather than kissing, but either way there are a lot of women who believe in waiting a surprisingly long amount of time for certain things.

Once again, she may say she's a Christian, but she's telling you another LIE. Reject her. Reject all liars.

I thought women were normally this dramatic.
So far she hasn't acted in an ungodly manner that I can tell...no reason to doubt her salvation.

(But the take-home point here is any girl who really likes you loves getting close to you and would want to kiss you on the first date or even BEFORE the first date. I promise you.)

That is a blatant lie based on absolutely no facts whatsoever. If you are basing YOUR personal experiences as the standard for womanhood, it shows that you have a LOT to learn about women. Quite a lot, actually.
Yeah, this is wrong, wrong ,wrong. I understand the sentiment as a guy because I think what the heck I've done all this stuff shown how much I've cared and yet she's so standoffish...but I think it's just different for women, they need time to be ready sometimes.


2) Both commited to abstinence? Maybe you, but she probably isn't.

Cynical eh? Guess what? Cynical guys have difficulties when it comes to sustaining a fulfilling relationship.
Well, she is supposed to be committed now. She had a backsliding period of her life where she had sex with her boyfriend but says how awful it was and how she never wants to live like that again.


...you'll see her get physical with another guy. Watch it. It's really painful to see.

This is totally OTT.
Sadly, there are women who do this...these are the ones who are just playing a guy for his affection/time/money. I hope this girl isn't one of those.


Don't do everything she says. She's not your boss.

I agree. She needs to know who the man is. :p


b) You're not being a man and taking the lead. You're letting HER take the lead. Always.

I agree. If she feels that she can say 'jump!' and you say 'how high?' then she will see you as less of a man and she will lose interest in you....or date you so she can use you...like a personal slave who spends all his money on her. Women like strong men who are able to say yes or no at the right time.
Well, I'm no doormat, I just don't see anything wrong with doing what she wants as long as I want to do it too. And I do. I've made it clear that we can do whatever she wants as long as I'm interested too. I guess maybe I would've preferred to not have dinner in front of the TV actually...but it wasn't a huge deal for me, we'd already talked so much I didn't feel the need to have that time for "getting to know you".

Do not "give her a few more dates to open up to you."

Wrong. Persistence pays off, but only the strong persist. If you give up at the first sign of a hurdle, what does that say about your longevity and sincerity? How would she interpret your actions? She would probably think "Wow, so because I refused to kiss him he's no longer interested. I guess he was only into me for one thing"
I'm basically going to give her another couple weeks. If she's really sincere and into me, I'll prove I am the right kind of guy. If she's not, then she's managed to sucker me into another couple weeks of entertainment.

3) If a woman truly liked you, she would want the TV *OFF* during dinner.

Wrong! Hey, do you...like...EVER hang out with very shy people? Or those with very mild or varying levels of social phobia? Have you ever fretted about 'what to talk about on a date'?
Well we definitely don't run out of stuff to talk about...she just said that's how she usually ate, and it's what I do too so that's what we did. I had pictured us upstairs eating at the table and not downstairs in front of the TV though.

1) E-mailing every day? Way too often. You clearly have too much free time, and too much free time for her.

Agreed. Scarcity is important at the beginning. Don't invest too much time so soon.

You're smothering her with attention.

Agreed. It could lead to resentment or her taking you for granted, and she's not even met you yet!
Well, this isn't really "the beginning" anymore since it's closing in on a couple months since we met online...I feel like regular communication sends the signal that being in touch with each other is still important to us and we want to continue w/our relationship. How would I back away from this without offending her? And what would it even accomplish?

2) Talking on the phone for several hours? Same mistake. This is a GOOD thing if she's your girlfriend, but if this is some random girl, you're giving her too much of yourself by talking on the phone for several hours this early.

ABSOLUTELY SPOT ON! :thumbsup:
I don't see this either...we have a great time chatting and it never gets boring. Why not do it?


Well, time is gonna tell on this one. On Friday we're set to take in a Christmas concert (I've got free tickets). For the next date I've told her she needs to plan it out and she said she would. She was even thinking of ideas on the way back to her apartment. Honestly, it's a lot to go through for this girl....driving back and forth 40 miles every time, plus she has no job or prospects currently (she's on a break from her job as a flight attendant). But we have a great time together, good enough that I'm willing to give it a little longer. But not too much longer.
 
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AlexeiKaramazov

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Also, I realize that I've probably been coming on too strong...I don't have super deep feelings for this girl but I do like her and it's just so easy for me to come up with romantic, fun ideas (or so they seem to me). Believe it or not, date #3 was my "cheap date" since the horse and carriage were free (there were other people in the carriage, we sang Christmas carols!) and dinner was just stuff bought at the store, then the movie was a DVD.

The first two dates probably cost me over $100 including gas. Naturally this girl hasn't spent a dime to see me, but then again she doesn't have a dime to spend and I have no idea how I could fairly require her to drive a car she doesn't have and spend money she probably doesn't have. My biggest concern here is definitely that my attention isn't being reciprocated, I just don't know of a solid way for her to show that she cares about me as much as I do her. Honestly physical affection would be one way but she's not doing that! I hate the idea of being used, but just can't figure out a way for her to put as much effort into it as I do.
 
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KomissarSteve

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Also, I realize that I've probably been coming on too strong...I don't have super deep feelings for this girl but I do like her and it's just so easy for me to come up with romantic, fun ideas (or so they seem to me). Believe it or not, date #3 was my "cheap date" since the horse and carriage were free (there were other people in the carriage, we sang Christmas carols!) and dinner was just stuff bought at the store, then the movie was a DVD.

The first two dates probably cost me over $100 including gas. Naturally this girl hasn't spent a dime to see me, but then again she doesn't have a dime to spend and I have no idea how I could fairly require her to drive a car she doesn't have and spend money she probably doesn't have. My biggest concern here is definitely that my attention isn't being reciprocated, I just don't know of a solid way for her to show that she cares about me as much as I do her. Honestly physical affection would be one way but she's not doing that! I hate the idea of being used, but just can't figure out a way for her to put as much effort into it as I do.
It sounds to me like you're getting more attached to this girl than you probably should be; from what you've described, I think that the best thing you can do is meet new people, go on a few dates with other girls, put this current one on the back burner (not in the garbage, mind you - just on the back burner) for the next couple weeks or so, and then see how you feel, or see how she engages you, if she does.
 
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Gardener101

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Ooh, what has happened to my thread in my absence...it has grown ginormous!

This is true, that at least it's a possibility. Not a very likely one, but possible.

Yeah, this is down to the girl's pace again...if a girl really wants to move that slow, she won't be up on you at this early a juncture.

Yeah, I think it's pretty cool...of course the song was somewhat hampered by her taking the music away from me in the middle and remarking that I "really should have memorized it". I only had the week to learn it and had to deal with work and school. I did a good job of playing it, though.


Ok, what's the alternative, then? I wasn't purposefully picking super romantic stuff (the horse and carriage ride was free, that's why I picked it!), just stuff that seemed fun.

Yeah, I don't know if most women really care about "originality" with something like that. Though she did say a guy had never done the arm thing with her before...

Exactly, I don't know very many "good Christian girls" who if they are actually good and not just pretending would really want to get that physical that quickly. There are the girls who don't even want to kiss until marriage...

Well, I had put my arm around her on a previous date. She said she didn't mind me doing it, yet after saying that made no move to get closer to where I could do it. Another thing is this girl has worn her coat everywhere. I asked her about it on date #1, why she didn't take it off in the restaurant, she said it was a "comfort thing". I can understand this as I used to feel the same way, but it's indicative of trust issues.

Well, here is another problem...she has no job, no working car and lives with her mother. So me doing everything is the only option right now unfortunately. I hate this! If she had any way of doing it I'd definitely demand that she meet me halfway. I don't want to get used. But I can't really put these demands on her when she has no means to accomplish them. I did suggest that maybe she meet me halfway once and she just said "How would I do that?". It bugged me that she didn't even attempt to find a ride.

Yeah, again, I don't think I need to worry about being cliche with this girl.

Yeah, well she made it clear she didn't want to kiss until at least date #4 or 5 if not after. I can respect this, but I won't wait forever either. She also said she was fine with a cheek kiss, she was calling me back so I could give it to her but I was too upset to listen.

Well, my arm was nowhere near a breast. It was barely across her shoulder she was so far away! She just thought I was trying to kiss her on the mouth even though I was nowhere near her mouth and was quite obviously going for the cheek. She didn't trust me enough to assume I wouldn't try to kiss her on the mouth.
She could definitely be a liar/hypocrite...or she could be telling the truth. I can't tell yet.

Yes, she said she's shy when it comes to these things. She hasn't had a lot of boyfriends, but the ones she's had have treated her wrongly, I guess...including the one she slept with.

Yeah, there are a lot of women that feel this way. For most of them it's sex rather than kissing, but either way there are a lot of women who believe in waiting a surprisingly long amount of time for certain things.

So far she hasn't acted in an ungodly manner that I can tell...no reason to doubt her salvation.

Yeah, this is wrong, wrong ,wrong. I understand the sentiment as a guy because I think what the heck I've done all this stuff shown how much I've cared and yet she's so standoffish...but I think it's just different for women, they need time to be ready sometimes.


Well, she is supposed to be committed now. She had a backsliding period of her life where she had sex with her boyfriend but says how awful it was and how she never wants to live like that again.


Sadly, there are women who do this...these are the ones who are just playing a guy for his affection/time/money. I hope this girl isn't one of those.


Well, I'm no doormat, I just don't see anything wrong with doing what she wants as long as I want to do it too. And I do. I've made it clear that we can do whatever she wants as long as I'm interested too. I guess maybe I would've preferred to not have dinner in front of the TV actually...but it wasn't a huge deal for me, we'd already talked so much I didn't feel the need to have that time for "getting to know you".

I'm basically going to give her another couple weeks. If she's really sincere and into me, I'll prove I am the right kind of guy. If she's not, then she's managed to sucker me into another couple weeks of entertainment.

Well we definitely don't run out of stuff to talk about...she just said that's how she usually ate, and it's what I do too so that's what we did. I had pictured us upstairs eating at the table and not downstairs in front of the TV though.

Well, this isn't really "the beginning" anymore since it's closing in on a couple months since we met online...I feel like regular communication sends the signal that being in touch with each other is still important to us and we want to continue w/our relationship. How would I back away from this without offending her? And what would it even accomplish?

I don't see this either...we have a great time chatting and it never gets boring. Why not do it?


Well, time is gonna tell on this one. On Friday we're set to take in a Christmas concert (I've got free tickets). For the next date I've told her she needs to plan it out and she said she would. She was even thinking of ideas on the way back to her apartment. Honestly, it's a lot to go through for this girl....driving back and forth 40 miles every time, plus she has no job or prospects currently (she's on a break from her job as a flight attendant). But we have a great time together, good enough that I'm willing to give it a little longer. But not too much longer.
Good plan. :)

How about helping her out with a train ticket so she can travel to see you?
 
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AlexeiKaramazov

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It sounds to me like you're getting more attached to this girl than you probably should be; from what you've described, I think that the best thing you can do is meet new people, go on a few dates with other girls, put this current one on the back burner (not in the garbage, mind you - just on the back burner) for the next couple weeks or so, and then see how you feel, or see how she engages you, if she does.

Hmm well I'd like to go with her still to the concert on Friday, that's been planned for weeks. However after that, maybe I could just say we should take a couple weeks off from seeing each other? Tell her that if she still wants to see me, contact me after a couple weeks with plans for a date that she came up with. Even require her to come up with her own transportation. I don't know if that's asking too much or not, she doesn't have a car and really doesn't know anyone to ask about it that I know of.
 
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AlexeiKaramazov

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Good plan. :)

How about helping her out with a train ticket so she can travel to see you?

Well, there aren't very many trains in America, certainly there isn't one between my town and hers. A bus is a possibility, if I can I'll try to look up a bus line for her to ride. I get the feeling she'll reject that notion out of hand, but oh well.
 
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Gardener101

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Hmm well I'd like to go with her still to the concert on Friday, that's been planned for weeks. However after that, maybe I could just say we should take a couple weeks off from seeing each other? Tell her that if she still wants to see me, contact me after a couple weeks with plans for a date that she came up with. Even require her to come up with her own transportation. I don't know if that's asking too much or not, she doesn't have a car and really doesn't know anyone to ask about it that I know of.
I have to go to bed now but please WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT ASK FOR A BREAK FROM HER.

It will destroy whatever trust she's been slowly building up for you.
 
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Gardener101

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Well, there aren't very many trains in America, certainly there isn't one between my town and hers. A bus is a possibility, if I can I'll try to look up a bus line for her to ride. I get the feeling she'll reject that notion out of hand, but oh well.
Try it, and if she rejects it, tell her the price of gas, and insist.
 
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AlexeiKaramazov

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I have to go to bed now but please WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT ASK FOR A BREAK FROM HER.

It will destroy whatever trust she's been slowly building up for you.

See I get that feeling too...the same goes for a suggestion of going non-daily with the e-mails and things. I just need a good way of forcing her to pursue me a while (I've done my share of pursuit!) without actually pushing her away.
 
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Gardener101

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See I get that feeling too...the same goes for a suggestion of going non-daily with the e-mails and things. I just need a good way of forcing her to pursue me a while (I've done my share of pursuit!) without actually pushing her away.
I think I know just what you should do, but I really really have to go now.

Short story: invest in this if you can:
Understanding Women: The Definitive Guide to Meeting, Dating and Dumping, if Necessary
link


PLEASE READ ALL THE REVIEWS!

Bye for now :wave:
 
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AlexeiKaramazov

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Welp, it's a bit too late now dearie :)! I sent her an e-mail explaining I wanted her to initiate contact with me for a while. I told her I'd always be there (if I could) whenever she contacted me to talk, but the ball was in her court. I also explained that I wanted to see more effort on her side to be with me, and strongly suggested she find a mode of transportation on her own, even if it's only for one meeting. We'll see how she takes it. I told her straight up that if this stuff was too tough for her, we probably shouldn't be seeing each other anymore.
 
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sunshineray

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Welp, it's a bit too late now dearie :)! I sent her an e-mail explaining I wanted her to initiate contact with me for a while. I told her I'd always be there (if I could) whenever she contacted me to talk, but the ball was in her court. I also explained that I wanted to see more effort on her side to be with me, and strongly suggested she find a mode of transportation on her own, even if it's only for one meeting. We'll see how she takes it. I told her straight up that if this stuff was too tough for her, we probably shouldn't be seeing each other anymore.
uh...oh....
 
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sunshineray

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May I suggested that that might have not been the best idea? Even if I liked a guy, I would probably say that the email you sent would be a deal breaker. Maybe a little harsh telling her that if she can't handle it then it's over? Umm, some of us girls have a hard time opening our hearts up at first. That line would have the door of my heart slamming shut in no time.
 
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KomissarSteve

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Hmm well I'd like to go with her still to the concert on Friday, that's been planned for weeks. However after that, maybe I could just say we should take a couple weeks off from seeing each other?

To tell you the truth, I would advise against talking to her about this. This should be less about you trying to get her to feel like she needs you, and more to do with you regaining a grasp on the big picture. If you're talking to her daily, that strikes me as too much, unless you're in a committed relationship, which as far as I can see, you aren't. If you talk to her less and reallocate some of the time and energy towards self-improvement, meeting other girls, etc, and that bothers her, then it's up to her to take the initiative in throwing some less-subtle hints your way.

From what you're telling us, I'm getting the strong feeling that self-perception is a bit of an issue for you in this case. Quite frankly, I think it would behoove you to remind yourself that, since you're not in a committed relationship with the girl in question, there's absolutely no reason for you to be devoting the type of time and energy that one would to a committed relationship, without receiving any of the payoff from a committed relationship. Go to the concert with her on Friday, and see her when you have time to see her, but to be perfectly honest with you, right now it sounds to me like you've devoted a disproportionate amount of your time and energy towards a relationship that does not yet exist. At the very least, I think you should take some time to meet new people, particularly new girls, and go out for a drink or coffee or a movie with one or two of them.

If, at the end, you still really like this girl and want to keep seeing her, that's fantastic; more power to you. Just remember to keep things in perspective: neither of you are committed to one another yet. At this point, your mindset must be that you can live without her, and it's up to her to prove otherwise.
 
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KomissarSteve

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Welp, it's a bit too late now dearie :)! I sent her an e-mail explaining I wanted her to initiate contact with me for a while. I told her I'd always be there (if I could) whenever she contacted me to talk, but the ball was in her court. I also explained that I wanted to see more effort on her side to be with me, and strongly suggested she find a mode of transportation on her own, even if it's only for one meeting. We'll see how she takes it. I told her straight up that if this stuff was too tough for her, we probably shouldn't be seeing each other anymore.
Dude, unsend, if you can. Not the best move. If you can't, let me know and we'll work on damage control.
 
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