[Open] Support thread for non-punitive households (Please NO DEBATE)

[annaapple]

and welcome! Always good to get more input and support! Hope you like it here and in the forums in general.

 

[JustBoo]

I have a question about Attachment/gentle parenting . . . .And I figured this might be a good spot to get some feedback. . .

I have a three year old daughter and a six month old son. With my first I was young and didn't knoiw much about AP or nursing or anything . . she wasn't breastfed and I , regrettably , did CIO ( it makes me sad now . . .)
Thankfully I've been learning and reading and with DS ( 6 months) I've been nursing exclusively (till last week when he tured 6 months and we started cereal) on demand and no CIO. We've also become amateur babywearers . . .
Having done it this way with DS I realize just how much I missed out on with DD..it makes me sad... . I feel a certain amount of regret and...even...disconnect.

I'm wondering how I can help our relationship.. I want her to feel as attached as DS and I want to feel as attached to her as DS.... I feel like I did damage to her because of my ignorance.... how can I build from here??

 

[annaapple]

Ah, sweetie! Don't worry! You clearly love your daughter and that's the most important thing!

There are other mothers round here who are far wiser than I am, but for what it's worth here are my thoughts:

It is never too late to start a gentle / AP approach. My ds was well on the way to 4 before I changed my whole attitude and approach, and I am really seeing results. I know you can't turn back the clock, but she's young and you have a long future together in which you can build an even more beautiful relationship. Try not to dwell on what you can't change and focus on what you can.

If you're not doing so already, try to give lots and lots of hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!! For no reason, just because it is nice to hug. When kids' love tanks are full, alot of the rest sort of falls into place.

RoseofLima recommended How to talk so your kids will listen, how to listen so your kids will talk and Faber and Mazlish. I've now read it too, and it really is fabulous. Their suggestions even work for parents who start when their kids are teens. If you don't have it already, see if you can get hold of a copy.

Other than that, I'll leave it to wiser people (like Rose) to make suggestions!

 

[annaapple]

PS you might want to ask the same question on Gentle Christian Mothers...

 

[JustBoo]

PS you might want to ask the same question on Gentle Christian Mothers...

my application is waiting approval. . .

 

[JustBoo]

I hug her so much it annoys her a little I think...

I think I feel disconnected because bf-ing requires so much time woth DS. Hopefully as he gets onto solids and a little more independant I'll be able to have some more 1 on 1 withdd like before the bub came along.

 

[annaapple]

La Leche League used to have a page of tips for how to manage bf baby while keeping toddler happy, but they've updated their site and I can't find it any more. Maybe you'll be more successful? http://www.llli.org/

 

[Leanna]

We use naps, when Maya (baby) goes down for her nap then I connect, play or work, with David

 

[JustBoo]

my children actually nap at the same time . . and I dare not mess with that! Although he naps longer so she's usually up for a little while after he goes down / before she goes down and then up before he gets up. I could make a more conscious effort to really reconnect with her duringthat time.

Another question . .
My husband is not particularly on board with ' gentle' parenting he hasn't had a very good example .. . how can I convince him of the importance of bing positive and gentle? Have any of you dealt with spouses who were unsupportive? How did you deal?

 

[Leanna]

Maybe you guys should read a book on the subject together?

My son doesn't nap anymore, and Maya takes 3 naps. You can also have your husband watch the baby while you take her out even just to the store, those short errands make them feel special and connected

 

[lin1235]

I have a question. Those of you who were brought up punitively and now parent non-punitive, how do you explain your parenting style to your parents (and siblings, if appropriate)?

I was brought up VERY punitively, got spanked for every small infraction and the last time was when I was 14. My sister has 2 small kids and they spank. So my parents obviously assume we'll spank too - and I suspect that if they know we won't spank they'll assume we're using other punishments.

I don't know how to broach the subject, or how to make them understand it's not criticism on their parenting. I mean, I know my parents did the best they knew how (even though I now know lots of it did more harm than good). I just don't know what to say. My mom says things like (seeing LO's new cloth diaper) "now her bottom's really padded, she won't even feel a spanking!" Jana is only 9 months old now, so I don't think anyone thinks she should be getting spankings yet, but I also don't think it has crossed my parents' minds that she won't EVER get spanked.

Any thoughts?

 

[Leanna]

I have a question. Those of you who were brought up punitively and now parent non-punitive, how do you explain your parenting style to your parents (and siblings, if appropriate)?

I was brought up VERY punitively, got spanked for every small infraction and the last time was when I was 14. My sister has 2 small kids and they spank. So my parents obviously assume we'll spank too - and I suspect that if they know we won't spank they'll assume we're using other punishments.

I don't know how to broach the subject, or how to make them understand it's not criticism on their parenting. I mean, I know my parents did the best they knew how (even though I now know lots of it did more harm than good). I just don't know what to say. My mom says things like (seeing LO's new cloth diaper) "now her bottom's really padded, she won't even feel a spanking!" Jana is only 9 months old now, so I don't think anyone thinks she should be getting spankings yet, but I also don't think it has crossed my parents' minds that she won't EVER get spanked.

Any thoughts?

I think the best way to not insult them is to not bring it up, they'll notice eventually but you can still pass the bean dip. This is your child and she's your responsibility and that's the most important thing. Others don't always understand, my in laws don't agree with not spanking. You could just make some relevant comments like when they say "now she won't even feel a spanking" say "we aren't going to spank" *big smile* "want some chips?"

 

[Green Orchid]

I just heard about grace-based discipline right after Zachael was born, so this is brand-new for me. We were planning on using a grace approach, but with the occasional use of spanking when necessary (it's the only way we know), but I want to learn more about the non-punitive approach, it sounds so much more like God's character. I've never pictured God as wanting to hit me with a stick, so I don't know how that would fit me as a parent...
I've been reading this thread from the beginning, it's really interesting! I'm up to page 8 now.

 

[Leanna]

I just heard about grace-based discipline right after Zachael was born, so this is brand-new for me. We were planning on using a grace approach, but with the occasional use of spanking when necessary (it's the only way we know), but I want to learn more about the non-punitive approach, it sounds so much more like God's character. I've never pictured God as wanting to hit me with a stick, so I don't know how that would fit me as a parent...
I've been reading this thread from the beginning, it's really interesting! I'm up to page 8 now.

hi .... I think my blog is relevant if it helps you, though it might be boring

 

[Sonshine25]

Hi Everyone,

I have a soon to be 2-year-old. She is very energetic and into everything. We are constantly putting up new safety measures to protect her. She is constantly trying to overcome these. Most recently she sticks her hand in the kitchen drawers and tries to get things out past the safety latch. It's an older home with drawers that will come out and topple on her if the safety latch gets broken. Also, she can take the safety plugs out of the electrical outlets. We have a huge play yard, but, she doesn't like to be in there. Even though she can see us through the mesh walls. I catch myself saying, "no". She thinks it's funny.

I was spanked as a child and it was devastating. In addition to the humiliation, I also had sensitive skin and it hurt. Not to mention some emotional abuse that was going on. I don't want to ever hurt her, so how do I get her to listen? I've been researching and reading almost everything on non-punitive, GBD, etc... what now?

Help!

 

[Leanna]

Remember that toddlers want attention.... they want attention so bad that if they don't get enough attention positively "you did a good job putting away the silverware" and "I am happy you remembered to put the laundry into the basket" then they will settle for attention negatively, even "no," frowns, and spankings.

One thing that worked for us was to tailor our environment to have some Montessori inspiration in it (more beyond what I will mention here, but this is relevant). Our dishes are in a low cabinet so that he can help me unload the dishwasher, which he has been doing since before he was two. He also puts away the silverware. He sets the table. I appreciate this, we are able to spend time together while I get dinner ready thus giving him positive attention, and he feels like an important member of the family. He also helps with the laundry and other household work. This keeps him from needing to use misbehavior to gain attention.

I hope that helps

 

[RoseofLima]

Hi Everyone,

I have a soon to be 2-year-old. She is very energetic and into everything. We are constantly putting up new safety measures to protect her. She is constantly trying to overcome these. Most recently she sticks her hand in the kitchen drawers and tries to get things out past the safety latch. It's an older home with drawers that will come out and topple on her if the safety latch gets broken. Also, she can take the safety plugs out of the electrical outlets. We have a huge play yard, but, she doesn't like to be in there. Even though she can see us through the mesh walls. I catch myself saying, "no". She thinks it's funny.

I was spanked as a child and it was devastating. In addition to the humiliation, I also had sensitive skin and it hurt. Not to mention some emotional abuse that was going on. I don't want to ever hurt her, so how do I get her to listen? I've been researching and reading almost everything on non-punitive, GBD, etc... what now?

Help!

We do not use safety latches, etc. That makes an entire environment off limits- often for no paricular reason. And from the get go sets up an advesarial environemnt. Dangerous things are kept high out of reach.

Different stages of development are allowed different freedoms. Toddlers are allowed to get out the pots and pans and bang them around- the school aged children are not. I'd rather safely allow for curiosity and the opportunity to learn about their environemnt- than make everything off limits. We don't even have electrical plug thingys in most outlets-- it's just something we are consistent about from the time they are mobile. I am personally not a fan of play yards as I don't think it alows for a child to experience their environment and gain a sense of mastery--which is the compelling drive for toddlers.

Like Illinoismommy- we have a child friendly set up to facilitate participation from a young age. We let kids- even toddlers- use real plates and bowls, real glasses, etc, for meal times. I feel like it fosters confidence and a sense of mastery of a young one's environment. And I don't mind a broken dish or two- it's an opportunity to show and teach them how to clean up.

 

[annaapple]

I just heard about grace-based discipline right after Zachael was born, so this is brand-new for me.
I've been reading this thread from the beginning, it's really interesting! I'm up to page 8 now.

One of my recent blog posts is all about why we chose this approach. Might help alongside Illinoismommy's blog? Although most questions are answered somewhere in this thread - as well as reading suggestions!

Hi Everyone,

I have a soon to be 2-year-old. She is very energetic and into everything. We are constantly putting up new safety measures to protect her. She is constantly trying to overcome these.
Help!

That sounds like a 2 year old! It is THE age for exporing the real world. She knows she's missing something interesting, because there are safety measures up! Maybe if you looked at the drawers with her, and explored everything together, she would lose interest. 2yo want to be near people - generally they are VERY social, so that's probably why the play yard is putting her off. Even your 'no' is social interaction, which it seems she is trying to get. I know it can be very easy to get into an adversarial situation, esp. when you are trying to protect her / do the right thing and she won't co-operate. But try to find ways to work co-operatively instead. In the long run it will make your life MUCH easier (hard to believe, I know).

Different stages of development are allowed different freedoms. Toddlers are allowed to get out the pots and pans and bang them around- the school aged children are not. I'd rather safely allow for curiosity and the opportunity to learn about their environemnt- than make everything off limits. We don't even have electrical plug thingys in most outlets-- it's just something we are consistent about from the time they are mobile. I am personally not a fan of play yards as I don't think it alows for a child to experience their environment and gain a sense of mastery--which is the compelling drive for toddlers.

Like Illinoismommy- we have a child friendly set up to facilitate participation from a young age. We let kids- even toddlers- use real plates and bowls, real glasses, etc, for meal times. I feel like it fosters confidence and a sense of mastery of a young one's environment. And I don't mind a broken dish or two- it's an opportunity to show and teach them how to clean up.

Intersting what Rose and Illinoismommy are saying - I happened to be in a Montesori pre-school today, and the way my 2yo reacted was exactly what was to be expected. He immediately went and explored everything! When he was trying to carry a tray with a couple of bowls of dried pasta pieces back to the shelf, he tipped the tray and made a mess. He then went to the dust pan and brush and cleaned it up. That was Montesori in a nutshell: learning by doing, but also taking responsibility and learning how to do real world things in a real world way - much like in Rose's and Illinoismommy's homes.

Long story short: you might be interested in reading up on Montesori as well as GBD.

 

[annaapple]

PS Rose - great pictures!

 

[RooMama]

I've never pictured God as wanting to hit me with a stick,

That is pretty much how I've always pictured God and why I struggle with the principle of grace-based parenting.

I know, I know, I have issues, but I'm trying to work on them.