Paying

[Princess Pea]

I had a first date not long ago. He paid for everything, which I was kind of expecting - I've had enough first dates to know it's pretty much expected, at least around here. I didn't argue, or call attention to it, or try to grab any checks - I just thanked him. And he must not have taken offense, because he asked me for a second date.

So anyway, I'm coming up on that second date. He's making all the arrangements again - has already made the reservations, is planning to drive, has scouted out a good meeting place - frankly, I'm very impressed by his initiative and organizational skills (guys, take notes on what impresses women - this one, anyway. ) But I'm wondering whether I should offer to pay for something this time around. I don't want him to think I'm expecting him to be my sugar-daddy or something, but I also don't want to give the impression of being a pushy female who's too independent to let a guy treat her like a lady, or that I think he doesn't have the resources .. I think I've been guilty of all 3 mistakes in the past, and now I'm probably just thinking too hard about this ....

Anyway, the question is, should I offer to pay for lunch this time? If so, how do I do so in a gracious, ladylike manner? For the record, we're both within a couple years of 40, and both professionals in the same general line of work, although I'm pretty sure his salary is substantially higher than mine (if that makes any difference!)

 

[mina]

hmmm, good question. I 've always thought whoever did the inviting did the paying on a date. If you want to pay then just nonchalantly ask: Can I get your lunch this time? and whatever he says don't argue with him about it . Maybe sometimes later you can invite him to lunch and pay for him, so he won't think you are wanting him to be your suga daddy. Have fun on your date!!!!!!

 

[plum]

First of all, good for you I hope this second date goes really well for you!

I think it's fine for him to pay. It's a date; he asked you out; he's planning it. I say graciously let him pay for it.

Just me

 

[Stratiotes]

I agree with the above. Personally, unless I am completely broke and honestly can't afford to pay for both, I'd always pay on a date. But its nice when you offer so like the other post said, at least he knows you're not expecting him to pay. We (i guess we all do?) love to pay for stuff like that, but we also like to know it is genuinely appreciated.

 

[Princess Pea]

Thanks, y'all! I think I'll just casually ask, when the check comes, "Want me to get this one?" In any case, I do plan to have fun. It's a nice place to be, anticipating a second date. The nerves of the first date are gone, but it's still a casual situation, so my expectations aren't so high that having them dashed would be crushing. And it's not yet the crucial third date, which is high pressure because after that point you're either officially done with each other (assuming you made it that far in the first place) or officially dating ... not to mention the question of the the first kiss, which traditionally happens on the third date, but only if there's going to be a fourth ... (ETA this was meant to be kinda tongue in cheek - I KNOW things aren't this cut and dried in real life! )

So yeah. Can y'all see why I'm still single? I think way, way, way too hard ...

 

[amysays]

Anyway, the question is, should I offer to pay for lunch this time? If so, how do I do so in a gracious, ladylike manner? For the record, we're both within a couple years of 40, and both professionals in the same general line of work, although I'm pretty sure his salary is substantially higher than mine (if that makes any difference!)

The Guy should always pay for everything!! No exceptions!!

Amy

 

[plum]

Thanks, y'all! I think I'll just casually ask, when the check comes, "Want me to get this one?" In any case, I do plan to have fun. It's a nice place to be, anticipating a second date. The nerves of the first date are gone, but it's still a casual situation, so my expectations aren't so high that having them dashed would be crushing. And it's not yet the crucial third date, which is high pressure because after that point you're either officially done with each other (assuming you made it that far in the first place) or officially dating ... not to mention the question of the the first kiss, which traditionally happens on the third date, but only if there's going to be a fourth ...

So yeah. Can y'all see why I'm still single? I think way, way, way too hard ...

where are these rules written down? yikes, i missed that memo haha...and I'm a chick, so you'd think I'd know these things...

dearie, you may want to stop thinking these rules exist let life happen at its pace! have fun!

 

[Pink Angel]

Anyway, the question is, should I offer to pay for lunch this time? If so, how do I do so in a gracious, ladylike manner? For the record, we're both within a couple years of 40, and both professionals in the same general line of work, although I'm pretty sure his salary is substantially higher than mine (if that makes any difference!)

well my thought on the matter, is the fact that he asked you back out, since he is the one that asked you he is aware of the fact that he is paying. If you wanna try to offer to pay, if he gets lunch/dinner, say thank you (of course lol ) and then say something like, well since you got dinner.....im buying desert...or im getting the movie....make it like a tease to him be cute about it lol, we all have our cutesy voice...

or after this date if it goes well, call HIM and ask him out, that way you are asking him so you have the right of way to pay......

 

[Princess Pea]

where are these rules written down? yikes, i missed that memo haha...and I'm a chick, so you'd think I'd know these things...

dearie, you may want to stop thinking these rules exist let life happen at its pace! have fun!

Thanks! You're right, I know you are - like I said, there's a reason I'm still single ...

 

[CoachR64]

If a gentleman is asking a lady out on a date, I think it is expected that he pick up the tab.

Now, I think this has to start changing once this goes from dates to a relationship. At that point, I think it is fair for the parties to split checks, alternate who pays, pay on their own tabs, etc.... But during the initial dating phase, I think it is perfectly fine to assume the guy is going to pay and even to expect it.

Coach

 

[VozNocturna]

Thanks, y'all! I think I'll just casually ask, when the check comes, "Want me to get this one?" In any case, I do plan to have fun. It's a nice place to be, anticipating a second date. The nerves of the first date are gone, but it's still a casual situation, so my expectations aren't so high that having them dashed would be crushing. And it's not yet the crucial third date, which is high pressure because after that point you're either officially done with each other (assuming you made it that far in the first place) or officially dating ... not to mention the question of the the first kiss, which traditionally happens on the third date, but only if there's going to be a fourth ...

So yeah. Can y'all see why I'm still single? I think way, way, way too hard ...

I agree with Eirene, where are you getting these rules?

First kiss happens on the third date? Well, I must be REALLY old school. LOL. Why don't you go with the flow (and follow the Holy Spirit) and do what makes YOU feel comfortable. You are not obligated to kiss anyone at any point in your relationship until YOU feel comfortable. That could be on the first date or at the altar.

ETA: I forgot to add, HAVE FUN!!! It's great to be in the presence of a guy who knows what he wants and knows how to be a man.

 

[Princess Pea]

I agree with Eirene, where are you getting these rules?

First kiss happens on the third date? Well, I must be REALLY old school. LOL. Why don't you go with the flow (and follow the Holy Spirit) and do what makes YOU feel comfortable. You are not obligated to kiss anyone at any point in your relationship until YOU feel comfortable. That could be on the first date or at the altar.

ETA: I forgot to add, HAVE FUN!!! It's great to be in the presence of a guy who knows what he wants and knows how to be a man.

Yeah, I know. I was trying to poke a little fun at myself and at the "rules" but I guess it didn't come off that way! I'll go back and edit ...

 

[Princess Pea]

If a gentleman is asking a lady out on a date, I think it is expected that he pick up the tab.

Now, I think this has to start changing once this goes from dates to a relationship. At that point, I think it is fair for the parties to split checks, alternate who pays, pay on their own tabs, etc.... But during the initial dating phase, I think it is perfectly fine to assume the guy is going to pay and even to expect it.

Coach

Thanks! That's kinda what I was thinking, but it's good to hear someone of the male persuasion confirming it.

So at what point does it turn from "dating" into a "relationship?" Oh - wait - there probably aren't any "rules" for that one either, are there?

 

[Jenster]

So ... have you gone out on the date yet, Pea?

 

[Manda_24]

You could do what my friends fiancé did, except you're past the first date now. Anyway, when the check came on their first date she took it, he said something about it being his job to get it and she replied 'I guess you're just going to have to take me out again'. It worked, they're getting married really soon.

I guess for me I think the guy should pay on the first date then if he sets up the next one pay for that one too. But from then on take turns or talk about it. If you're really uncomfortable having him pay all the time then ask if you can get this one or just do it and surprise him, I know that when I start dating someone I don't want him to pay all the time.

 

[SergeAStrom]

I guess it depends on if you want to think of yourself as a hooker or not. I would suggest paying or offering to pay for things so that he will know you are interested in him and not his money.

I had a first date not long ago. He paid for everything, which I was kind of expecting - I've had enough first dates to know it's pretty much expected, at least around here. I didn't argue, or call attention to it, or try to grab any checks - I just thanked him. And he must not have taken offense, because he asked me for a second date.

So anyway, I'm coming up on that second date. He's making all the arrangements again - has already made the reservations, is planning to drive, has scouted out a good meeting place - frankly, I'm very impressed by his initiative and organizational skills (guys, take notes on what impresses women - this one, anyway. ) But I'm wondering whether I should offer to pay for something this time around. I don't want him to think I'm expecting him to be my sugar-daddy or something, but I also don't want to give the impression of being a pushy female who's too independent to let a guy treat her like a lady, or that I think he doesn't have the resources .. I think I've been guilty of all 3 mistakes in the past, and now I'm probably just thinking too hard about this ....

Anyway, the question is, should I offer to pay for lunch this time? If so, how do I do so in a gracious, ladylike manner? For the record, we're both within a couple years of 40, and both professionals in the same general line of work, although I'm pretty sure his salary is substantially higher than mine (if that makes any difference!)

 

[Princess Pea]

A hooker? Wow, that seems harsh. A guy would really expect to have his way with me simply because he'd bought me a cheeseburger?

For the record - I asked him about his expectations . He said he would expect to pay for the first couple of dates, and after that, changes could be made. Made sense to me. But I know another woman whose man (now her husband) paid for everything, and preferred it that way, so I guess it really depends on the person. Moral of story (as it is in SO many of these dating situations - when will I ever learn? ) : COMMUNICATE!

 

[Buskanaka]

Yeah I think just ask him if you can pay, or contribute something, then if he says no just accept it. I wouldn't get offended if my date asked to pay, but if she kept arguing about it or trying to sneak the cheque then I'd get annoyed.

 

[Bernoulli]

Yeah I think just ask him if you can pay, or contribute something, then if he says no just accept it. I wouldn't get offended if my date asked to pay, but if she kept arguing about it or trying to sneak the cheque then I'd get annoyed.

I will agree with the above post.

If this date goes well/did go well, and you still feel like contributing why not just take him lunch?

 

[ElElena]

Whether to pay for things on dates or not is so strange to me.

Before you read the first sentence in the next paragraph and think I'm in the wrong section you may want to know I am a widow. My husband died when he was kind of young.

When I met the man I married he paid for everything all the time. He wouldn't have had it any other way. He never expected anything in return for his doing what came natural for him to do. He never complained about it and he paid for things for all the women he dated before me, too. Like I said it was natural.

The Word of God says that a man should be a good provider. If a man does not provide for his own he is worse than an infidel.

A pastor's wife told me that women should be taught to look for a good provider.

If every date is a possible mate and I heard that phrase in church how is a woman going to know if the man is a good provider if he isn't willing to provide on dates?

I know it's a new day and age. I heard about girls paying for their own way when I was in high school. It just doesn't seem right in serious relationships.

Since my husband's death I have dated and I share paying for dates. It really doesn't bother me immensely but I don't think a woman should ever be EXPECTED to pay for dates unless she isn't seriously interested in the man.

It seems to be an insult to a real man to have the woman pay for things if he asked her out. It would seem a woman is taking advantage of a man if she lets him pay for things if she's gotten to know him and she isn't interested in him in a serious way.

Just the thoughts I have this morning. These thoughts can be altered as I learn more about dating again after years of marriage.

Oh yeah..... I do believe the man should pay for the first date if he asked her out.