Married? I feel single, though...sorta...

[thepotterisstillworking]

I didn't know what to title this thread, but it sums up how I feel in a nutshell. I'll probably give more history in this thread later when I have more time and energy to type it...but...

My question is this. What do you do when you're in a marriage for only about 4 years...and has felt more like living as roommates because of the husband's low sex drive and total lack of romance in the marriage (or even before the marriage), not to mention the lack of chemistry on so many levels....and things are only getting worse because now he's practically got 2 full time jobs...and mind you there's no kids, nor any hope for any because well, sex is rare, and even if a baby came along, there's practically no time for it??? I mean, what do you do when ya practically feel single because there's no one "there"????? And there's just barely enough time to swallow a meal together and never much time to talk about anything (and the only stuff that gets talked about is the stuff we're busy with)?

This is partially a rant, partially a real question. We were in the process of divorce almost 2 years ago, but decided to stick it out because divorce goes against everything we believe in. I'm so frustrated right now because we are both so busy and I fear it's not ending any time soon!!!! GRRRRRR

 

[johnd]

I am convinced low sex drive in men and women is directly linked to hormonal additives to food (estrogen) to increase volume $$$.

It's in the meat and dairy, and may even be in the grains and veggies now. Genetically engineered food is what I believe they were calling it when all the protests were going on a couple years back.

Organic is best. But even that is tainted (according to the news).

As for the rest of your post, you don't need a pep talk to hang in there. You already know it's the right thing to do.

We will be celebrating 26 years of wedded bliss this Christmas. That doesn't mean there were not lulls or even times when we weren't sure what we were doing together. That's life. That's reality. The romance novel relationships exist only in very brief intervals.

In reality, sleeping beauty snores and prince charming has midnight gas. Both have mountains of really dirty laundry to do and dragons to slay just to make ends meet. Then come the heirs... that's when life gets busy, complicated, and you will find new ways to not be able to afford the basic necessities of life.

What you do about it is to make the best of it. Two fallen sin natured human beings trying to make a life together and build a family.

There is a God in heaven to pray to.

 

[InTheFlame]

Know what I like to think I'd do, if I had the guts?

Say "stuff this, this is KILLING us..." and join a Bruderhof community or something of the sort. In other words, leave the stress-inducing life that's causing so many problems, and try something completely different.

 

[eieiowe61]

Boy, can I ever relate to this.....and I've been married 11 years now!

Try to focus on the GOOD things in your marriage. It's easy to focus on all the BAD things, especially where lack of sex and intimacy goes.

Trust me, the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence, but then again, you haven't given any indication you were looking. DON'T!

Make time for weekend mini-vacations or whatever it takes to get your spouse alone, and watch what happens! The stress of daily living can take its toll, so it's important to make togetherness time. Prayers are with you!

 

[imaniingod]

I didn't know what to title this thread, but it sums up how I feel in a nutshell. I'll probably give more history in this thread later when I have more time and energy to type it...but...

My question is this. What do you do when you're in a marriage for only about 4 years...and has felt more like living as roommates because of the husband's low sex drive and total lack of romance in the marriage (or even before the marriage), not to mention the lack of chemistry on so many levels....and things are only getting worse because now he's practically got 2 full time jobs...and mind you there's no kids, nor any hope for any because well, sex is rare, and even if a baby came along, there's practically no time for it??? I mean, what do you do when ya practically feel single because there's no one "there"????? And there's just barely enough time to swallow a meal together and never much time to talk about anything (and the only stuff that gets talked about is the stuff we're busy with)?

This is partially a rant, partially a real question. We were in the process of divorce almost 2 years ago, but decided to stick it out because divorce goes against everything we believe in. I'm so frustrated right now because we are both so busy and I fear it's not ending any time soon!!!! GRRRRRR

I felt the same way when I was married. I would suggest prayer. Make a list of pros and cons of your marriage and discuss some of the items with your mate. I would not tell him the whole list at once, so you wont overwhelm him. It may be that he doesnt know how you feel or if he does he doesnt know what to do.

 

[imaniingod]

I felt the same way when I was married. I would suggest prayer. Make a list of pros and cons of your marriage and discuss some of the items with your mate. I would not tell him the whole list at once, so you wont overwhelm him. It may be that he doesnt know how you feel or if he does he doesnt know what to do.

We are all mature adults right? Have you tried different approaches to sex. Different places, preparing a romantic meal. You have to keep your marriage interesting. Men get bored very easily.

When you are praising God, You set the atmosphere. Set the atmosphere for how you want your marriage to be. The Bed of Marriage is sacred and it is easy for the enemy to destroy marriages.

 

[LynnMcG]

Why two jobs?

Where your treasure is, there your heart will also be.

Too many people place too much importance on wordly things. Or doing what we think we "should".

I bet your husband's sex drive and your compatibility would increase if you had more time to spend together. Remember how you felt when you were dating? I know some people will tell you that goes away in time, but I never (and neither does my DH) believed it HAD to go away. Sure we're busier now. But we still make time to be together. We do have kids, and before we were mommy and daddy, we were sweeties. And when all is said and done, at the end of the day, the only thing that matters is where we are with God and with each other.

 

[gengwall]

Boy, can I ever relate to this.....and I've been married 11 years now!

Try to focus on the GOOD things in your marriage. It's easy to focus on all the BAD things, especially where lack of sex and intimacy goes.

Trust me, the grass is NOT greener on the other side of the fence, but then again, you haven't given any indication you were looking. DON'T!

Make time for weekend mini-vacations or whatever it takes to get your spouse alone, and watch what happens! The stress of daily living can take its toll, so it's important to make togetherness time. Prayers are with you!

Ditto - although being the husband I was the one with the low sex drive. My wife and I look back on that time now and I wonder what the heck was wrong with me. What an idiot.

OK - now on to more practical matters. He is just as responsible for your sexual needs as you are for his. He is not fulfilling his marital responsibility and that needs to change. I do like imaniingod's suggestions. Also, look at www.themarriagebed.com There is a special page for women with husbands with low sex drive.

His low sex drive is understandable given the circumstances but unacceptable in God's eyes. He needs to recognize this and the two of you need to find more time. LynnMcG is correct, your intimacy relationship is of utmost importance and you need to discard things that get in the way of that.

 

[imaniingod]

I didn't know what to title this thread, but it sums up how I feel in a nutshell. I'll probably give more history in this thread later when I have more time and energy to type it...but...

My question is this. What do you do when you're in a marriage for only about 4 years...and has felt more like living as roommates because of the husband's low sex drive and total lack of romance in the marriage (or even before the marriage), not to mention the lack of chemistry on so many levels....and things are only getting worse because now he's practically got 2 full time jobs...and mind you there's no kids, nor any hope for any because well, sex is rare, and even if a baby came along, there's practically no time for it??? I mean, what do you do when ya practically feel single because there's no one "there"????? And there's just barely enough time to swallow a meal together and never much time to talk about anything (and the only stuff that gets talked about is the stuff we're busy with)?

This is partially a rant, partially a real question. We were in the process of divorce almost 2 years ago, but decided to stick it out because divorce goes against everything we believe in. I'm so frustrated right now because we are both so busy and I fear it's not ending any time soon!!!! GRRRRRR

The Potter wants to put you back together again. Encourage yourself by singing songs to the Potter. He created you wonderfully and you and your husband will be fine. Hopefully you take some of my advice to heart. Show him that you love him that can really boost your sex life, but dont make him think that sex is too important to you, let him know that you love him and that you want to share what God made to beautiful for man and woman.
It seems as if you guys want to do the will of the Lord. Make the best of all of the time that you have together. Be that praying wife and watch what God does. I know that both of you have to work but the Power of Prayer is so Powerful!!! There is nothing can fix a situation like going to GOD in prayer. God Bless You and I love you so much!
I am praying for you two and I know that God will work a miracle in your lives.
He performs miracles everyday! That is why we are all here!!! God Bless!

 

[Autumnleaf]

If he works two jobs he's probably working too hard. Help make it so he doesn't have to do that anymore and see if things improve.

 

[RealityCheck]

Know what I like to think I'd do, if I had the guts?

Say "stuff this, this is KILLING us..." and join a Bruderhof community or something of the sort. In other words, leave the stress-inducing life that's causing so many problems, and try something completely different.

Although that may be too radical for you, a serious change is obviously what's needed.

Surely it's obvious to both of you that "staying the course" will end up nowhere, except in the same downward spiral. So change is needed. And not just small changes - breaking changes.

Would help to have more information here. What are his jobs? What's your job? Do you both have college degrees, one of you, neither? Are either of you currently doing something in your life you actually enjoy (i.e., does he enjoy either of his jobs? Do you?).

 

[MrsCB2003]

I think everyone pretty much touched on everything I was thinking. i will add his that I think its normal to feel this way at times. My husband is military and seems to be always gone. He just returned from his second one year deployment and there have been times I have felt "whats the point?" But the botton line is I made a vow...his lack of sex drive and time for you could very possibly be tied to the lack of time you all have for one another because of hectic schedules and his two jobs.

When i first had my son i was exhausted, breadtfeeding, up all night and everything made me IN NO MOOD for sex, but that caused other issues to arise. So what im saying is this seems like it can be fixed and once you get to the root of the problem, the other things will fall in place. Prayer works and the advice given has been good, i hope you all can work this out, truly.

 

[MaidforHim]

Ditto - although being the husband I was the one with the low sex drive. My wife and I look back on that time now and I wonder what the heck was wrong with me. What an idiot.

OK - now on to more practical matters. He is just as responsible for your sexual needs as you are for his. He is not fulfilling his marital responsibility and that needs to change. I do like imaniingod's suggestions. Also, look at www.themarriagebed.com There is a special page for women with husbands with low sex drive.

His low sex drive is understandable given the circumstances but unacceptable in God's eyes. He needs to recognize this and the two of you need to find more time. LynnMcG is correct, your intimacy relationship is of utmost importance and you need to discard things that get in the way of that.

Amen! ... And besides that good adivce I'd say having 2 jobs not only leaves you both with little time, but it may leave your hubby down right exhausted. Add the stress a second job might bring into to the equation as well and you've got one pooped guy.

I'd suggest a friendly walk and talk session to discuss cutting back to one job, keep it light and happy and let him know how much you'd really like to spend more time with him.

If that doesn't work, I'd suggest counceling with your pastor.

God bless