I know you go through different versions of yourself as you grow up and figure out how you fit in. "You are an amalgamation of the people you spend time with" I heard recently.
I've felt like an observer of life rather than a participant for the longest time. I can see photographs of me at different ages and stages and I don't recognise me, (essentially, personality, not just physically) because I don't feel I've ever really met me before or it feels like when an old family relative who've you maybe met once when you were 9 months old and they expect you to be fully knowledgeable of them because they send you a birthday card every year.
I had a prolonged traumatic experience from the ages of 9-16 which led to unhealthy coping mechanisms, exasperated anxiety issues with I still haven't been able to recover and get away from and completely obliterated any self confidence I ever had.
Family members say I was such a happy, loving, always smiling child who adored stories and drawing. Approachable, always ready for a hug, yet quiet and as an old school report says 'a pleasure to teach'.
Where did she go?
Why did she leave me?
Did she not survive?
Am I her?
Can I be her again?
I really really really want to know her again, to have her life, her energy, her happiness, just to have a smile that covers any turmoil, to regain that preteen's enthusiam for everything.
The ability to trust without devoting hours to reading between the lines of perceived motives and agendas.
Being content not to compete.
To enjoy but not to obsess.
To create rather than destroy.
Come back mini me, please.
I've felt like an observer of life rather than a participant for the longest time. I can see photographs of me at different ages and stages and I don't recognise me, (essentially, personality, not just physically) because I don't feel I've ever really met me before or it feels like when an old family relative who've you maybe met once when you were 9 months old and they expect you to be fully knowledgeable of them because they send you a birthday card every year.
I had a prolonged traumatic experience from the ages of 9-16 which led to unhealthy coping mechanisms, exasperated anxiety issues with I still haven't been able to recover and get away from and completely obliterated any self confidence I ever had.
Family members say I was such a happy, loving, always smiling child who adored stories and drawing. Approachable, always ready for a hug, yet quiet and as an old school report says 'a pleasure to teach'.
Where did she go?
Why did she leave me?
Did she not survive?
Am I her?
Can I be her again?
I really really really want to know her again, to have her life, her energy, her happiness, just to have a smile that covers any turmoil, to regain that preteen's enthusiam for everything.
The ability to trust without devoting hours to reading between the lines of perceived motives and agendas.
Being content not to compete.
To enjoy but not to obsess.
To create rather than destroy.
Come back mini me, please.
