This is the time that should not exist. My wife died 6 weeks ago, I always said I could never watch her die, but I watched her die. I always said I could never see her cremated, but I saw her cremated. I always said I couldn't conceive of living without her, but here I am living without her.
This is the time that should not exist, time after Pam. What do I do now? I have to reinvent myself, start a new life, plan for the future. I am a man of faith and can see purpose in what has happened - she was very sick, and very sick people die, but I was not just her husband but also her carer. God gave her to me to look after and now he has allowed cancer to take her away (even though others I have prayed for and ministered to have been spared). What is he doing? What does he want from me now?
Its very strange when the worst thing you can imagine happening happens, and you survive it. I have no fear of death, but I do have a considerable fear of life, which could be 20 or more years of everything being much worse than before.
Still I go on believing, go on having faith, almost to spite God. He took her, but he cannot take my faith! Paul was wrong - faith hope and love - the greatest of these is faith - that can hold you, keep you going, even when love and hope are gone. Life without faith is no life at all, with it, you can just about hold on.
Sorry about the rambling and self pity. This has helped me, hopefully it might help someone else - even if it is just knowing that someone else feels as bad as they do.
This is the time that should not exist, time after Pam. What do I do now? I have to reinvent myself, start a new life, plan for the future. I am a man of faith and can see purpose in what has happened - she was very sick, and very sick people die, but I was not just her husband but also her carer. God gave her to me to look after and now he has allowed cancer to take her away (even though others I have prayed for and ministered to have been spared). What is he doing? What does he want from me now?
Its very strange when the worst thing you can imagine happening happens, and you survive it. I have no fear of death, but I do have a considerable fear of life, which could be 20 or more years of everything being much worse than before.
Still I go on believing, go on having faith, almost to spite God. He took her, but he cannot take my faith! Paul was wrong - faith hope and love - the greatest of these is faith - that can hold you, keep you going, even when love and hope are gone. Life without faith is no life at all, with it, you can just about hold on.
Sorry about the rambling and self pity. This has helped me, hopefully it might help someone else - even if it is just knowing that someone else feels as bad as they do.
