I feel in my heart that what I want is a boyfriend. But I know that wont solve what's really bothering me. I want to be loved. But not by myself. And not by God. but it just seems that in the ways that I try to reach out to someone else, it backfires and leaves me with an even greater sense of being alone.
The loneliness I feel, to a great degree, is my own fault. I push people away by my own reclusiveness. But in an odd sense, I also believe that God is allowing me to be alone, so that I'm almost forced to rely on Him for love, which is why I think every "other" door for love has backfired. But only one sick problem: I dont want His love...enough. A sick part of myself just believes I havent had the door slammed in my face enough, that I havent been hurt enough, that I dont deserve it enough.
And that hurts like hell. But apparently, sometimes even hell doesnt hurt enough, because I still do it.
