This is a copy of a post I wrote on someone's thread today. Thought I'd put in here as I'm hoping it will help anyone who was feeling like me - shy, socially inadequate, hating myself, lacking self confidence:
I've had a long and painful journey but finally found freedom. I read countless self help books that did not help me one bit. Here's a brief rundown of the major turning points but if you have any questions or just want to talk please message me:
1. First, I captured every thought that was racing through my mind and challenged them. Thoughts like 'no one likes you' lead me to depression but there was no evidence it was true because if I smiled, people smiled back, if I was friendly people were friendly back etc.
2. Talking to people did not come naturally so I had to think of things to say before I saw people. Eg. If I was doing your job, I would have had a pre-planned script for all the common scenarios that happened and practiced them. Also I thought of small talk for people at work. For example, did you see that program on TV last night, wasn't that amazing what happened on masterchef blah blah blah. I thought I preferred not to talk to people (hate small talk!) but I observed that I actually felt happier after interacting with people, and depressed when I'd spent the day in silence.
3. I didn't think people were interested in anything I had to say but I learnt that it actually makes people feel important if you reveal something personal to them. For example, 'have I shown you a picture of my dog, his name is.. he did a really funny thing the other day..' Think about how you feel when people talk to you about themselves.
4. One day I looked at my baby pictures and imagined I was a stranger looking at this child and judging whether I liked her or not. I thought there is nothing to dislike about this lovely quiet child. Why am I being so harsh on myself when I would never dislike a stranger that was like me?
5. I put myself in my parents shoes and realised I couldn't blame them any more as I wouldn't have been a perfect parent either. My behaviour, as a result of my upbringing, was my choice.
6. I also thought I was unintelligent and this opinion has stopped me achieving anything. My self esteem improved when I finally realised I'm not that special, I am actually very, very average! In reality the very intelligent or very stupid people are in the minority. The majority of people improve with experience (like you will find at your job), have to work very hard to get good marks at school/college (I'm at uni now and have observed this). If they don't work hard they get poor marks. This is actually the opposite of a lot of teaching that says how special we are, we have a destiny to do something unique, we have special talents - the fruit of this teaching was discontent and disappointment. To find out that I'm just like everyone else relieved the pressure of trying to prove my worth. It also took the pressure off deciding what to do with my life - I realised I just had to do something and go with the flow.
7. Lastly and most importantly I really try not to worry about others opinions of me. That happened when I started really worrying about what God thought of me (Fear God and not man). I try to work on the character traits and doing works that please God. I even have to ignore what I think of myself because that opinion is changeable. God is the only one that does not change and He is the one I will have to stand before on judgement day and give an account.
Sorry this was so long but I hope it helps! If I can do this, so can you!! Please message me if you ever want to chat.
I've had a long and painful journey but finally found freedom. I read countless self help books that did not help me one bit. Here's a brief rundown of the major turning points but if you have any questions or just want to talk please message me:
1. First, I captured every thought that was racing through my mind and challenged them. Thoughts like 'no one likes you' lead me to depression but there was no evidence it was true because if I smiled, people smiled back, if I was friendly people were friendly back etc.
2. Talking to people did not come naturally so I had to think of things to say before I saw people. Eg. If I was doing your job, I would have had a pre-planned script for all the common scenarios that happened and practiced them. Also I thought of small talk for people at work. For example, did you see that program on TV last night, wasn't that amazing what happened on masterchef blah blah blah. I thought I preferred not to talk to people (hate small talk!) but I observed that I actually felt happier after interacting with people, and depressed when I'd spent the day in silence.
3. I didn't think people were interested in anything I had to say but I learnt that it actually makes people feel important if you reveal something personal to them. For example, 'have I shown you a picture of my dog, his name is.. he did a really funny thing the other day..' Think about how you feel when people talk to you about themselves.
4. One day I looked at my baby pictures and imagined I was a stranger looking at this child and judging whether I liked her or not. I thought there is nothing to dislike about this lovely quiet child. Why am I being so harsh on myself when I would never dislike a stranger that was like me?
5. I put myself in my parents shoes and realised I couldn't blame them any more as I wouldn't have been a perfect parent either. My behaviour, as a result of my upbringing, was my choice.
6. I also thought I was unintelligent and this opinion has stopped me achieving anything. My self esteem improved when I finally realised I'm not that special, I am actually very, very average! In reality the very intelligent or very stupid people are in the minority. The majority of people improve with experience (like you will find at your job), have to work very hard to get good marks at school/college (I'm at uni now and have observed this). If they don't work hard they get poor marks. This is actually the opposite of a lot of teaching that says how special we are, we have a destiny to do something unique, we have special talents - the fruit of this teaching was discontent and disappointment. To find out that I'm just like everyone else relieved the pressure of trying to prove my worth. It also took the pressure off deciding what to do with my life - I realised I just had to do something and go with the flow.
7. Lastly and most importantly I really try not to worry about others opinions of me. That happened when I started really worrying about what God thought of me (Fear God and not man). I try to work on the character traits and doing works that please God. I even have to ignore what I think of myself because that opinion is changeable. God is the only one that does not change and He is the one I will have to stand before on judgement day and give an account.
Sorry this was so long but I hope it helps! If I can do this, so can you!! Please message me if you ever want to chat.
