after compline last night bes over They comes on it again hard but it just kept praying and praying and begging God make them stop.
it felt weird. They try to fragment its consciousness further. it felt divided from itself like it bes watching itself wondering who bes this person crying and crying and begging God to free her. bes this some kind of trick? an illusion? They keeps trying to steal its mind away and tell it "you bes not sincere. you don't really want free" and They kept giving it lahati (sexual fire ecstasy) but it just kept praying God make them STOP please, don't let them tell it those things. but it bes so hard because They kept trying to splinter it off from itself -- this bes hard to describe as there bes no words -- as if its awareness bes in layers and They tries to peel the layers apart and separate them from one another till its cognizance bes all splinters apart and it does not know what bes its real thinking and feeling and what bes Them. and it just wants to stop and ask what bes wrong with Moriah? why bes lit like this?
it had a friend once it would ask that question, a friend that knew all the secrets of its life and all about it, that knew truth in the Lord and bes discerning and its friend would talk to it and tell it the truth. its friend would say exactly what the situation bes and it felt so comforting to be seen and heard. it need this so desperate sometimes.
but its friend stopped caring, turned on it cruelly and walked away. dont talksy moriah anymore, dont talksy on IM and wont ring up no more either, because its friend did something that hurt moriah and when moriah tried to tell that it hurt, that made its friend get mad and act defensive and faultfinding instead of listening. this same pattern happened a few times about different things, maybe about 5 or 6 times, and kept getting worse every time. on top of it all no matter how much moriah tried to show and tell its friend how grateful it bes for their help, how much it appreciate them, how precious they bes, whenever it had a problem with something its friend would act like moriah just "abuse" them allatimes (beats up emotionally) and never appreciates them just because it needs to talk about when it has a problem with something they did. and its friend would try to shut moriah down from speaking every time because they would claim moriah bes "lashing out" at them even when it bes not even remotely doing that. and moriah could not get them to sort it out with it, they just got mean at it every time it tries and twisted things around to make it sound like moriah bes the most horrible creature in the world just because it needs telling them something they did hurt it. that bes only because moriah thought if you love someone you would want to know that, to know how things make them feel. you would not want to hurt them. but it bes not fair to say "well having a problem with anything i do and telling me about it hurts me" because then you cant have an honest relationship, because you can't communicate at all, and that does not work. so moriah eventually began to conclude they really just did not care about it at all anymore but did not know how to get rid of it and they bes doing these things to drive it off, because its friend knows it very VERY well (other than these things they gets totally wrong about) and knows that kind of treatment will crush it and make it withdraw into isolation.
ultimately with a go-nowhere stalemate like that one eventually realises there bes no fixing it, because you cannot MAKE someone care about you. you cannot MAKE them love you or value you, and if they do things to show they really do not value or cherish you -- and keep doing so, and won't discuss them with you to resolve them, and show no remorse for any of it but only justifying themselves and blaming you for all sorts whats got nothing to do with it, all sorts thats cruel and nasty talk and not the truth about your heart -- what can you do except withdraw? if they bes sorry you can forgive them and go on. if they bes really caring you can sort it out and move forward. if they really want to do right by you but just have some "bad habits" it can be fixed with patience, love and communication as you walk forward together. but if they refuse to even listen and instead just blame YOU for being the problem for feeling what you feel in the first place, for being hurt by things they do at all, what can you do? nothing. absolutely nothing. the more you try to fix it the greater their resentment and defensiveness will grow until they despise you utterly, because deep down what they really want (moriah believes) bes to be rid of you without having to bear the mark of everything that implies or be seen in the community as yet another one who has first mistreated you and then rejected, resorted and resiled on you.
so now it has no one to speak the truths unique to itself back to it with such accuracy, and it needs that desperately, especially when They bes hard upon it and it becomes utterly confused and cannot find reality. its other friends love and care, they do their best and moriah bes grateful for their love, but they don't do this special thing its bestest friend did, what it needs because there bes no mirrors in the abyss, and when their answers don't ring true it bes jarring.
and the pain inside, the gaping hole left bes too great to bear. bes God not clinging to it so fiercely it would have been utterly overtaken and lost to you all again from this, like what happened last fall when another friend it had come close with and come to need vanished completely without any explanation. as it stands it has lost so much ground from what it had gained, and no longer has the measure of strength to endure Them, or ability to want to resist, or sense of finally getting its head above the waters for any length of time, that it had only so recently begun to enjoy and hope bes lasting. and as the last time (last fall) time came when either its inhabitants or some element in its interior configuratus erased all memory of the one that did that to moriah, to spare it any further pain (the pain bes so great of it that it feels continually like it has been eviscerated and placed in a body-sized vice clamp whilst someone swings an axe repeatedly into the hollow place where it used to have its innards), so it fears it will come to that again if the matter be not remedied soon. already it has experienced the mourning stage, which bes like grief one has when a loved one dies, and after that comes an utter disconnect and inability to call any specific memories to mind of anything BUT the hurts. with the one last fall it bes sudden and without explanation they vanish so it bes very different from this situation; there had been nothing to prompt it whatsoever so it floated in a vaccuum of not knowing why or how and not being able to reach them. some of that attends this present situation (e.g. the unfathomability of someone claiming to love you and care about you but not wanting to know at all if something they do hurts you and worse than that, coming up with all kinds of horrible judgments against you for even trying to tell them) but there bes all these painful incidents swift to recall as well, which compounds matters.
(continued in comment below...)
it felt weird. They try to fragment its consciousness further. it felt divided from itself like it bes watching itself wondering who bes this person crying and crying and begging God to free her. bes this some kind of trick? an illusion? They keeps trying to steal its mind away and tell it "you bes not sincere. you don't really want free" and They kept giving it lahati (sexual fire ecstasy) but it just kept praying God make them STOP please, don't let them tell it those things. but it bes so hard because They kept trying to splinter it off from itself -- this bes hard to describe as there bes no words -- as if its awareness bes in layers and They tries to peel the layers apart and separate them from one another till its cognizance bes all splinters apart and it does not know what bes its real thinking and feeling and what bes Them. and it just wants to stop and ask what bes wrong with Moriah? why bes lit like this?
it had a friend once it would ask that question, a friend that knew all the secrets of its life and all about it, that knew truth in the Lord and bes discerning and its friend would talk to it and tell it the truth. its friend would say exactly what the situation bes and it felt so comforting to be seen and heard. it need this so desperate sometimes.
but its friend stopped caring, turned on it cruelly and walked away. dont talksy moriah anymore, dont talksy on IM and wont ring up no more either, because its friend did something that hurt moriah and when moriah tried to tell that it hurt, that made its friend get mad and act defensive and faultfinding instead of listening. this same pattern happened a few times about different things, maybe about 5 or 6 times, and kept getting worse every time. on top of it all no matter how much moriah tried to show and tell its friend how grateful it bes for their help, how much it appreciate them, how precious they bes, whenever it had a problem with something its friend would act like moriah just "abuse" them allatimes (beats up emotionally) and never appreciates them just because it needs to talk about when it has a problem with something they did. and its friend would try to shut moriah down from speaking every time because they would claim moriah bes "lashing out" at them even when it bes not even remotely doing that. and moriah could not get them to sort it out with it, they just got mean at it every time it tries and twisted things around to make it sound like moriah bes the most horrible creature in the world just because it needs telling them something they did hurt it. that bes only because moriah thought if you love someone you would want to know that, to know how things make them feel. you would not want to hurt them. but it bes not fair to say "well having a problem with anything i do and telling me about it hurts me" because then you cant have an honest relationship, because you can't communicate at all, and that does not work. so moriah eventually began to conclude they really just did not care about it at all anymore but did not know how to get rid of it and they bes doing these things to drive it off, because its friend knows it very VERY well (other than these things they gets totally wrong about
) and knows that kind of treatment will crush it and make it withdraw into isolation.ultimately with a go-nowhere stalemate like that one eventually realises there bes no fixing it, because you cannot MAKE someone care about you. you cannot MAKE them love you or value you, and if they do things to show they really do not value or cherish you -- and keep doing so, and won't discuss them with you to resolve them, and show no remorse for any of it but only justifying themselves and blaming you for all sorts whats got nothing to do with it, all sorts thats cruel and nasty talk and not the truth about your heart -- what can you do except withdraw? if they bes sorry you can forgive them and go on. if they bes really caring you can sort it out and move forward. if they really want to do right by you but just have some "bad habits" it can be fixed with patience, love and communication as you walk forward together. but if they refuse to even listen and instead just blame YOU for being the problem for feeling what you feel in the first place, for being hurt by things they do at all, what can you do? nothing. absolutely nothing. the more you try to fix it the greater their resentment and defensiveness will grow until they despise you utterly, because deep down what they really want (moriah believes) bes to be rid of you without having to bear the mark of everything that implies or be seen in the community as yet another one who has first mistreated you and then rejected, resorted and resiled on you.
so now it has no one to speak the truths unique to itself back to it with such accuracy, and it needs that desperately, especially when They bes hard upon it and it becomes utterly confused and cannot find reality. its other friends love and care, they do their best and moriah bes grateful for their love, but they don't do this special thing its bestest friend did, what it needs because there bes no mirrors in the abyss, and when their answers don't ring true it bes jarring.
and the pain inside, the gaping hole left bes too great to bear. bes God not clinging to it so fiercely it would have been utterly overtaken and lost to you all again from this, like what happened last fall when another friend it had come close with and come to need vanished completely without any explanation. as it stands it has lost so much ground from what it had gained, and no longer has the measure of strength to endure Them, or ability to want to resist, or sense of finally getting its head above the waters for any length of time, that it had only so recently begun to enjoy and hope bes lasting.
and as the last time (last fall) time came when either its inhabitants or some element in its interior configuratus erased all memory of the one that did that to moriah, to spare it any further pain (the pain bes so great of it that it feels continually like it has been eviscerated and placed in a body-sized vice clamp whilst someone swings an axe repeatedly into the hollow place where it used to have its innards), so it fears it will come to that again if the matter be not remedied soon. already it has experienced the mourning stage, which bes like grief one has when a loved one dies, and after that comes an utter disconnect and inability to call any specific memories to mind of anything BUT the hurts. with the one last fall it bes sudden and without explanation they vanish so it bes very different from this situation; there had been nothing to prompt it whatsoever so it floated in a vaccuum of not knowing why or how and not being able to reach them. some of that attends this present situation (e.g. the unfathomability of someone claiming to love you and care about you but not wanting to know at all if something they do hurts you and worse than that, coming up with all kinds of horrible judgments against you for even trying to tell them) but there bes all these painful incidents swift to recall as well, which compounds matters.(continued in comment below...)
