Dear Jesus,
I don't know if I can even get this out ... feel like I have to try. I feel like it's important for others who are hurting to know they're not alone and that we all have moments of weakness ...
Why, Lord! You say remind You of the promises we stand on and let's talk. I do and You tell me if I don't have faith and believe how can I be established ... I'm afraid to come to You for Comfort anymore. It seems it just brings the enemy harder and there I stand vulnerable, little and weak. I feel like You can't or won't hear me. I feel lost forever ... completely alone. There's so much I don't understand and I try to just have faith but it hurts more than I can stand. I can't even talk about the things that hurt in my home life ...
You know the other thing that hurts ... I know ... I know ... same old story ... be the bigger person ... well, Lord I don't feel big ... I feel like a disgusting piece of dung on the bottom of everyone's shoe that they just trod over to get to the 'top' wherever that is. I can't believe in my heart of hearts that Christians are supposed to make other Christians feel this way by shunning them, talking down to them, 'friends' raising their voice to me in my home when I'm already hurting ... dismissing what I believe with no respect ... others dismissing the pain as trivial ... the list is endless. I'm one little person with a whole lot of hurt going on and no where to put it. It feels like You've turned Your back on me here. You say You won't leave nor forsake us ... Jesus, I'm struggling with that hard right now ... please, Jesus, what did I do wrong! You know my heart ... You know I try to do what You want regardless of how much, deep and often it hurts ... why, Lord! ...
I'm nothing without You and I feel like I'm without You ... please forgive me for being this way ... it justs hurts too much! I love You, Jesus ... what do I do ... I just don't know ... in fact I don't know anything any more other than loving and serving You brings a lot of pain and I'm just not strong enough for it. I'm just not You. So I'm a failure ... I let You down ... where do I go from here ... back to my little world of pain and silence ... no one to talk to and no where to put the pain until I feel like I'm going to come apart inside ...
well, Lord, You say be honest with our feelings ... there they are ... now what? because I'm ready for change ... I can't do this anymore ... will You speak for me? Lord when no one else will ... will You justify me, Lord? ... will it even matter if I'm not here at cf anymore? ...
so that's where I am today, Lord ... silent until something changes
what say You, Lord? will I recieve what it takes to go on? ... or is it time for me to leave? Will You let my light be put out for someone else's to shine ... no of course not, so I guess a better question is will You stop them from putting my light out for them to shine ... because right now I've become nothing more than a joke ... forgive me for letting You down ... but I just don't have it in me anymore ... I know all these feelings are coming from the enemy but how can I defend myself ... I can't ... so there we are ... a puddle of tears, heartache and loneliness ... oh what fun we're having now ...
I don't know if I can even get this out ... feel like I have to try. I feel like it's important for others who are hurting to know they're not alone and that we all have moments of weakness ...
Why, Lord! You say remind You of the promises we stand on and let's talk. I do and You tell me if I don't have faith and believe how can I be established ... I'm afraid to come to You for Comfort anymore. It seems it just brings the enemy harder and there I stand vulnerable, little and weak. I feel like You can't or won't hear me. I feel lost forever ... completely alone. There's so much I don't understand and I try to just have faith but it hurts more than I can stand. I can't even talk about the things that hurt in my home life ...
You know the other thing that hurts ... I know ... I know ... same old story ... be the bigger person ... well, Lord I don't feel big ... I feel like a disgusting piece of dung on the bottom of everyone's shoe that they just trod over to get to the 'top' wherever that is. I can't believe in my heart of hearts that Christians are supposed to make other Christians feel this way by shunning them, talking down to them, 'friends' raising their voice to me in my home when I'm already hurting ... dismissing what I believe with no respect ... others dismissing the pain as trivial ... the list is endless. I'm one little person with a whole lot of hurt going on and no where to put it. It feels like You've turned Your back on me here. You say You won't leave nor forsake us ... Jesus, I'm struggling with that hard right now ... please, Jesus, what did I do wrong! You know my heart ... You know I try to do what You want regardless of how much, deep and often it hurts ... why, Lord! ...
I'm nothing without You and I feel like I'm without You ... please forgive me for being this way ... it justs hurts too much! I love You, Jesus ... what do I do ... I just don't know ... in fact I don't know anything any more other than loving and serving You brings a lot of pain and I'm just not strong enough for it. I'm just not You. So I'm a failure ... I let You down ... where do I go from here ... back to my little world of pain and silence ... no one to talk to and no where to put the pain until I feel like I'm going to come apart inside ...
well, Lord, You say be honest with our feelings ... there they are ... now what? because I'm ready for change ... I can't do this anymore ... will You speak for me? Lord when no one else will ... will You justify me, Lord? ... will it even matter if I'm not here at cf anymore? ...
so that's where I am today, Lord ... silent until something changes
what say You, Lord? will I recieve what it takes to go on? ... or is it time for me to leave? Will You let my light be put out for someone else's to shine ... no of course not, so I guess a better question is will You stop them from putting my light out for them to shine ... because right now I've become nothing more than a joke ... forgive me for letting You down ... but I just don't have it in me anymore ... I know all these feelings are coming from the enemy but how can I defend myself ... I can't ... so there we are ... a puddle of tears, heartache and loneliness ... oh what fun we're having now ...
