Losing weight

I don't know what I want to talk about yet so i'm just going to ramble. It's amazing how God takes our works, our pots and clay working with our own abilities to make something nice the best we can and although they don't turn out in an amazing way he adds his touch and makes it amazing. I think of myself. I am overweight, I have always been overweight. There was a time I reached my ideal weight through starving myself and i'll admit it boosted my self esteem and it felt great. I eventually gained that weight back when I started eating again basically. And ever since that one time that I lost all that weight and felt great I have tried to get that back through dieting and different methods to lose weight. My fiance is able to stay thin but it's because he rarely eats. That's just the way he is and he's always been that way. I am 30 pounds heavier than him and 9 inches shorter. I worry all the time that he will want to be with someone else because I am not thin. I have prayed about having grace to lose weight for a long time. I have dieted, and i have done thin within and the weigh down workshop which I agree are the best weight loss programs out there and I have managed to lose a lot of weight doing those programs. But after having baby after baby i've gained weight back and am 15-20 pounds heavier then i was pre-pregnancy, and even when i was 20 pounds lighter I felt fat, and I was 20 pounds over my ideal weight. So now i'm 40 pounds over my ideal weight. I've tried to lose the weight again but just don't have the motivation to stick with it like it'd require. All I really have to do is stop overeating. But that's all i've been doing since i've been off this weekend. I don't understand how people like my fiance can simply just not eat and don't care. The weight loss program is supposed to help me deal with the issues for overeating but i guess i never got the deeper issues dealt with and truth is when i'm stressed i just don't care. I'm so tired of careing about my weight. But don't get me wrong I want to feel good about myself too. I am just tired of having to try.. and try.. and try. It takes a lot of effort and I'm so mad that I like food and like to eat when i don't really need to. It's just not natural for me not to want to eat. And i'm sick of it. I'm about to try to conceive again and about to get fat all over again.. in addition to already being 40 pounds over ideal weight. I am just a fat rolly polly and am so sick of it. I am sorry for being the way that I am and not wanting to try so hard to change it. That being said I realized last night that i've always been overweight and without God's helping things change I might always still be and that I just need to accept it and learn to be happy just the way I am and stop trying at least so hard.. to lose the weight.