I'm a whiner, lots of times. That sentence will scare off a few. WHY? Cause NONE of us like the sound of a whiner.... but we all go there. I come to You and whine away and get so very sure that the things that You allow and ask of me are TOO much for me. There just MUST be some way that I am meant to move forward WITHOUT all the difficulties.... and, sooner or later, I give in and yield to the design and trust as You ask of me. Before I get THERE I go through some variation of the maze of themes and schemes I have woven to avoid that narrow path. I am a relentlessly crafty escapist. HOW do You tolerate me ? Or do You just laugh a lot ?
Half the time, even in what I more-than-half-way-believe to be the correct choice, I find myself choosing the answer that results in RELIEF OF THE PAIN OF WAITING ON YOU to move me ..... too early ! I can not even begin to count the multitude of times that You have brought the answer I waited for, in excruciatingly arduous self-control laced with anxiety, just AFTER I broke and scrambled in the direction of comfortable. Recently, You do this a LOT. So what, You're raising the bar ? You've done this before on other subjects... taken my training wheels and EXPECTED me to stretch a little farther in faith to reach the goal line.
What's worse is that recognizing the pattern that You are teaching me with hasn't really helped me to avoid doing it again ! I don't EVEN know that one of those thresholds is COMING. I pray and wait on You to grant me guidance at each increment of the journey... I BELIEVE that I am NOT breaking from Your lead, and then WHAMMO, You show me that I did it again. DOWNSIDE, that means I am charming myself into believing I am hearing from You to regain a comfort zone at some interval near the threshold.... oooooy !
So, great, I can see the pattern... the pitiable reason being, because I have MADE THIS SAME MISTAKE SO MANY TIMES THAT I ESTABLISHED A PATTERN.... ooooy ! This time the trigger was fear. I HAVE to understand what makes this fear create this self-deceptive response. I was suffering all the classic high blood pressure and loss of appetitie stuff this time. I barely get that fearful of anything, Jesus. You burned me alive from the inside out on most of the fears that preceded this one. This one was DIFFERENT. This one was about the reunion with or loss of someONE very special to me. You know that. I know that. What I didn't know was the fear was OF MYSELF .... I had to learn the root of the fear to pray in the answer with wisdom next time. I HAVE to be seriously willing to examine myself. I AM THE TOOL THAT I USE HERE, on the enemy's penal colony.
So, I based it out, in Your leading. The fear that has crippled me is NOT the fear of the person that threatens to be a source of pain or harm. The fear IS the fear that I will NOT be prepared to truly yield to YOUR LEAD, that I will break in the discomfort zone like I have over and over, recently. THe fear is that I will DO THE WRONG THING and allow or instigate my own harm through failure.... AGAIN. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY !!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus, despite my finest efforts to hear Your calls on me, to see the path that You light to draw me forward, to speak the faith, Your praises and the WORD.... I broke at the wire too many times, recently. My stamina and/or 'PRAYdar' are tainted with diligence and endurance's wearines. Tainted by self-deception... I don't know I'm cuttin' and runnin.' I believe myself, that I AM still following Your lead.
Jesus, protect me from deceiving myself. BE THE indisputable Life light that I require to make it to the Finish Line, for Your Glory. There are others who count on me ! Others who watch and follow me... not like their demiGod, but like a Mentor or an experienced wise one. I'm ACCOUNTABLE.
NONE, AND I MEAN NONE, of these things are ever offices of mine if I am not empowered by You, Jesus. I am incapable of leading or guiding anyone, anywhere, INCLUDING ME, UNLESS You anoint me to do that very thing. I am capable of harming myself and others if You aren't. These days, I will settle for living unseen, under the PRAYdar, following Your every whimsey on my road to Heaven by Your side. I am trusting that following You is the ANSWER for my life, choosing to heed Your choices FOR ME, Jesus. This whole post smacks wildly close to striving, if it weren't also so sincere a prayer to be subservient to Your VERY will, Your PERFECT will for me. Because .....I BELIEVE that ONLY IN THIS will I dance in Your Light for the greatest portion of my days. You truly ARE the only one worth dancing with on this whole blasted Rock. ..... YOU manifest through the Body You sanctify me to inhabit.
Be MANIFEST in my walk, Jesus, for YOUR GLORY, my edification and the edification of those to whom my walk might minister. AMEN
"Odd One" ~ Sick Puppies ~__________________
Half the time, even in what I more-than-half-way-believe to be the correct choice, I find myself choosing the answer that results in RELIEF OF THE PAIN OF WAITING ON YOU to move me ..... too early ! I can not even begin to count the multitude of times that You have brought the answer I waited for, in excruciatingly arduous self-control laced with anxiety, just AFTER I broke and scrambled in the direction of comfortable. Recently, You do this a LOT. So what, You're raising the bar ? You've done this before on other subjects... taken my training wheels and EXPECTED me to stretch a little farther in faith to reach the goal line.
What's worse is that recognizing the pattern that You are teaching me with hasn't really helped me to avoid doing it again ! I don't EVEN know that one of those thresholds is COMING. I pray and wait on You to grant me guidance at each increment of the journey... I BELIEVE that I am NOT breaking from Your lead, and then WHAMMO, You show me that I did it again. DOWNSIDE, that means I am charming myself into believing I am hearing from You to regain a comfort zone at some interval near the threshold.... oooooy !
So, great, I can see the pattern... the pitiable reason being, because I have MADE THIS SAME MISTAKE SO MANY TIMES THAT I ESTABLISHED A PATTERN.... ooooy ! This time the trigger was fear. I HAVE to understand what makes this fear create this self-deceptive response. I was suffering all the classic high blood pressure and loss of appetitie stuff this time. I barely get that fearful of anything, Jesus. You burned me alive from the inside out on most of the fears that preceded this one. This one was DIFFERENT. This one was about the reunion with or loss of someONE very special to me. You know that. I know that. What I didn't know was the fear was OF MYSELF .... I had to learn the root of the fear to pray in the answer with wisdom next time. I HAVE to be seriously willing to examine myself. I AM THE TOOL THAT I USE HERE, on the enemy's penal colony.
So, I based it out, in Your leading. The fear that has crippled me is NOT the fear of the person that threatens to be a source of pain or harm. The fear IS the fear that I will NOT be prepared to truly yield to YOUR LEAD, that I will break in the discomfort zone like I have over and over, recently. THe fear is that I will DO THE WRONG THING and allow or instigate my own harm through failure.... AGAIN. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY !!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus, despite my finest efforts to hear Your calls on me, to see the path that You light to draw me forward, to speak the faith, Your praises and the WORD.... I broke at the wire too many times, recently. My stamina and/or 'PRAYdar' are tainted with diligence and endurance's wearines. Tainted by self-deception... I don't know I'm cuttin' and runnin.' I believe myself, that I AM still following Your lead.
Jesus, protect me from deceiving myself. BE THE indisputable Life light that I require to make it to the Finish Line, for Your Glory. There are others who count on me ! Others who watch and follow me... not like their demiGod, but like a Mentor or an experienced wise one. I'm ACCOUNTABLE.
NONE, AND I MEAN NONE, of these things are ever offices of mine if I am not empowered by You, Jesus. I am incapable of leading or guiding anyone, anywhere, INCLUDING ME, UNLESS You anoint me to do that very thing. I am capable of harming myself and others if You aren't. These days, I will settle for living unseen, under the PRAYdar, following Your every whimsey on my road to Heaven by Your side. I am trusting that following You is the ANSWER for my life, choosing to heed Your choices FOR ME, Jesus. This whole post smacks wildly close to striving, if it weren't also so sincere a prayer to be subservient to Your VERY will, Your PERFECT will for me. Because .....I BELIEVE that ONLY IN THIS will I dance in Your Light for the greatest portion of my days. You truly ARE the only one worth dancing with on this whole blasted Rock. ..... YOU manifest through the Body You sanctify me to inhabit.
Be MANIFEST in my walk, Jesus, for YOUR GLORY, my edification and the edification of those to whom my walk might minister. AMEN
