Well, You really ministered to my heart TODAY, Lord. You are endlessly capable to love me. That just blows me away.
I was thunking... and listening to me a lot, and to You....
I'm now starting my 3rd week of punishment for my humanity from Teknon. Let me rewind...
I have been telling him for 6 months that I need some 'us time' to haggle out my fears with him. I don't feel safe. (We shared two alone times in that 6 months...one was New Year's Eve, hardly appropriate for getting into anything difficult. The second was to haggle out a possible business venture idea with his Dad and me.) Probably I just need some reassurance that he is NOT gonna puree and spew me AGAIN, emotionally. I don't know 'how' exactly I would regain or acquire a sense of safety, but I would know if it happened.
Originally Posted by a personal conviction
So, I expressed my anger. I SHOULD be allowed to do that. With anyone else, I can. Of ALL the people in the world that I have made allowances for, he tops the list, right next to his Dad. That's typical of family. What's NOT TYPICAL is his allowances for me ! I'm not allowed to express any negative emotions, ever... not without punitive measures against me. When he was a child, this was not an issue so much. He would just pout for HOURS, despite every hope to usher him into expression of his issues and then wear himself out with the nothing of that silent rebellion. Now, as an adult, pouting has become rebellious dominating exits ! Typically these are rejection, abandonment, neglect and a chill beyond the low range of the emotional thermostat. WHY ? Because he finds this inconvenient.... it puts him on overload to deal with my pain. Upshot ? When it comes to anger, fear, sadness or unhappiness the reaction _I_ get is, "None for YOU !"
I refuse this ! For many years, I allowed for all this mean-spirited broad-brushing behavior. Then, after he finally got additional support in counseling, I began to share my 'darker' emotions. I waited for years. I finally got him to another person to support him before beginning this because I was his sole confidant, apart from You, Jesus ! An unadvisable reality. He has left EVERY time I have expressed a negative emotion in the past 6 years. He SEEMS to be trying to teach me to behave 'better', so he can handle life around me. That's bull-dookey ! Especially, since when _I_ am any of those things _I_ am the one in need ! In need of encouragement, kindness, understanding, forgiveness, mercy, etc. You know, all the building blocks of ACTUAL love. Does ANYONE who counsels him now encourage him to be kind to me as You are ? He's an adult for Heaven's sake. Will he ever walk with You, Jesus ? He holds You away. I have spent time wandering through his world in search of evidence of You. R U THERE ?
If You called me to Mentor him, where is the power behind it? That's a question we need to discuss, sometime soon, Lord. I'm missing something, here.
YOU have grown increasingly more and more tender with me, through others, after his more recent exits. This time and the last, You were like lightning to pick up the pain for me through some of Your Children in my path. PRAISE BE TO YOU, Jesus. So, I have been pondering these past two weeks WHY do I grow so repeatedly angry and anxious EVERYTIME he does it ? It's not a surprise, exactly. Though, I only ever let him near me with hope again. I believe that he could have grown by now. I mean REALLY BELIEVE. You know how I AM ! Each time I am freshly hurt and disappointed in his repetitive crapfest toward me.
So WHAT makes this time special ? The same thing that makes EVERY TIME special.... YOU ! You NEVER punish, shun, neglect or abandon me when I am breaking down. You are the model I follow when Teknon breaks down. He does not do that for me. So WHAT makes this time special ? The same thing that makes EVERY TIME special.... I have You inside ! I am so much more than meets the eye. Today, You taught me what causes me so much fear when he does it AGAIN ! Today, YOU came to me in Your gentle perfect kindness and showed me my pain, like a servant at an exclusive dinner for one. Today, You showed me me. Me and YOU ! You are the very best King in ALL the land, Jesus. You are the very BEST KING of me.
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I was thunking... and listening to me a lot, and to You....
I'm now starting my 3rd week of punishment for my humanity from Teknon. Let me rewind...
I have been telling him for 6 months that I need some 'us time' to haggle out my fears with him. I don't feel safe. (We shared two alone times in that 6 months...one was New Year's Eve, hardly appropriate for getting into anything difficult. The second was to haggle out a possible business venture idea with his Dad and me.) Probably I just need some reassurance that he is NOT gonna puree and spew me AGAIN, emotionally. I don't know 'how' exactly I would regain or acquire a sense of safety, but I would know if it happened.
Originally Posted by a personal conviction
Words frame our thoughts, which fuel our emotions and our decisions, which create our actions, which create our habits, which develope our character. We've gone from character and integrity conversations all the way backwards to 'words,' again. What's with the full reversal, anyway ?
He made me really mad one day, because he broke his word AGAIN for the 3rd time since returning into our lives. Words are all we have between us. And WORDS MATTER TO ME ! None of the things were very big by themselves, it is the habit that seemed too familiar that got my knickers in a twist. I love him deeply, with a love anointed by You. He KNOWS THAT ! I 'think' he loves me, sometimes, but then he punishes me for my humanity, again. This leaves me wondering where the loving guy, of often just moments earlier, has gone. Was he EVER really being loving, or just manipulative to achieve something for himself ? I forgive him, because I am Your's.... but.... should I keep submitting myself to this one as his "whipping girl?" I AM always going to BE human.
So, I expressed my anger. I SHOULD be allowed to do that. With anyone else, I can. Of ALL the people in the world that I have made allowances for, he tops the list, right next to his Dad. That's typical of family. What's NOT TYPICAL is his allowances for me ! I'm not allowed to express any negative emotions, ever... not without punitive measures against me. When he was a child, this was not an issue so much. He would just pout for HOURS, despite every hope to usher him into expression of his issues and then wear himself out with the nothing of that silent rebellion. Now, as an adult, pouting has become rebellious dominating exits ! Typically these are rejection, abandonment, neglect and a chill beyond the low range of the emotional thermostat. WHY ? Because he finds this inconvenient.... it puts him on overload to deal with my pain. Upshot ? When it comes to anger, fear, sadness or unhappiness the reaction _I_ get is, "None for YOU !"
I refuse this ! For many years, I allowed for all this mean-spirited broad-brushing behavior. Then, after he finally got additional support in counseling, I began to share my 'darker' emotions. I waited for years. I finally got him to another person to support him before beginning this because I was his sole confidant, apart from You, Jesus ! An unadvisable reality. He has left EVERY time I have expressed a negative emotion in the past 6 years. He SEEMS to be trying to teach me to behave 'better', so he can handle life around me. That's bull-dookey ! Especially, since when _I_ am any of those things _I_ am the one in need ! In need of encouragement, kindness, understanding, forgiveness, mercy, etc. You know, all the building blocks of ACTUAL love. Does ANYONE who counsels him now encourage him to be kind to me as You are ? He's an adult for Heaven's sake. Will he ever walk with You, Jesus ? He holds You away. I have spent time wandering through his world in search of evidence of You. R U THERE ?
If You called me to Mentor him, where is the power behind it? That's a question we need to discuss, sometime soon, Lord. I'm missing something, here.
YOU have grown increasingly more and more tender with me, through others, after his more recent exits. This time and the last, You were like lightning to pick up the pain for me through some of Your Children in my path. PRAISE BE TO YOU, Jesus. So, I have been pondering these past two weeks WHY do I grow so repeatedly angry and anxious EVERYTIME he does it ? It's not a surprise, exactly. Though, I only ever let him near me with hope again. I believe that he could have grown by now. I mean REALLY BELIEVE. You know how I AM ! Each time I am freshly hurt and disappointed in his repetitive crapfest toward me.
So WHAT makes this time special ? The same thing that makes EVERY TIME special.... YOU ! You NEVER punish, shun, neglect or abandon me when I am breaking down. You are the model I follow when Teknon breaks down. He does not do that for me. So WHAT makes this time special ? The same thing that makes EVERY TIME special.... I have You inside ! I am so much more than meets the eye. Today, You taught me what causes me so much fear when he does it AGAIN ! Today, YOU came to me in Your gentle perfect kindness and showed me my pain, like a servant at an exclusive dinner for one. Today, You showed me me. Me and YOU ! You are the very best King in ALL the land, Jesus. You are the very BEST KING of me.
Titus 2:11-3:11
The Message (MSG)
View commentary related to this passage
11-14 God's readiness to give and forgive is now public. ...
He offered himself as a sacrifice to free us from a dark, rebellious life into this good, pure life, making us a people he can be proud of, energetic in goodness.
15 Tell them all this. Build up their courage, and discipline them if they get out of line. You're in charge. Don't let anyone put you down.
Titus 3
He Put Our Lives Together
1-2 ... No insults, no fights. God's people should be bighearted and courteous. 3-8 It wasn't so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it. ...
God's gift has restored our relationship with him and given us back our lives. And there's more life to come—an eternity of life! You can count on this.
8-11 I want you to put your foot down. Take a firm stand on these matters so that those who have put their trust in God will concentrate on the essentials that are good for everyone. Stay away from mindless, pointless quarreling over genealogies and fine print in the law code. That gets you nowhere. Warn a quarrelsome person once or twice, but then be done with him. It's obvious that such a person is out of line, rebellious against God. By persisting in divisiveness he cuts himself off.
__________________The Message (MSG)
View commentary related to this passage
11-14 God's readiness to give and forgive is now public. ...
He offered himself as a sacrifice to free us from a dark, rebellious life into this good, pure life, making us a people he can be proud of, energetic in goodness.
15 Tell them all this. Build up their courage, and discipline them if they get out of line. You're in charge. Don't let anyone put you down.
Titus 3
He Put Our Lives Together
1-2 ... No insults, no fights. God's people should be bighearted and courteous. 3-8 It wasn't so long ago that we ourselves were stupid and stubborn, dupes of sin, ordered every which way by our glands, going around with a chip on our shoulder, hated and hating back. But when God, our kind and loving Savior God, stepped in, he saved us from all that. It was all his doing; we had nothing to do with it. ...
God's gift has restored our relationship with him and given us back our lives. And there's more life to come—an eternity of life! You can count on this.
8-11 I want you to put your foot down. Take a firm stand on these matters so that those who have put their trust in God will concentrate on the essentials that are good for everyone. Stay away from mindless, pointless quarreling over genealogies and fine print in the law code. That gets you nowhere. Warn a quarrelsome person once or twice, but then be done with him. It's obvious that such a person is out of line, rebellious against God. By persisting in divisiveness he cuts himself off.
Bow'nDown 
~~---->>> Love; from above and within, Shachah <<<----~~
<--~~~-->
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Strong's: 7812[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]~ hxX:[FONT=Arial, Helvetica] ~ [FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Definition : [/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]to bow down, prostrate oneself before superior in[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]homage; before God in worship;...[/FONT]
<--~~~-->
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]1 THESSALONIANS 5:5...8
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]~ The Message Remix ~
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]<--~~~-->
~~---->>> Love; from above and within, Shachah <<<----~~
<--~~~-->
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Strong's: 7812[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]~ hxX:[FONT=Arial, Helvetica] ~ [FONT=Arial, Helvetica]Definition : [/FONT][/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]to bow down, prostrate oneself before superior in[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, Helvetica]homage; before God in worship;...[/FONT]
<--~~~-->
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]1 THESSALONIANS 5:5...8
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]~ The Message Remix ~
[FONT=Arial, Geneva, Helvetica]<--~~~-->
[/FONT][/FONT][/FONT]
