~ Joy in the breathing , of late

It seems like for months and months and years, even, I have been living with a shortness of breath. It's the weight of grief over the repeated loss of Teknon that has collapsed my breathing, really. Compounded with the complete lack of understanding of HOW he could be so ugly toward me, and WHY ? It's both a figurative and a literal truth. My spirit has been impaired in his absence.

Spirit, pneuma, also meaning breath and the seat of power, emotion, affection,... has often impacted my physical breathing. It's just who I am, how I'm made.
Originally Posted by pneuma
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My Mother tells me that when I was very wee, I used to lose my breath when I cried, until I was turning blue. It scared her. I have no idea what grieved me so as a wee one. From my side as an adult, the inside, it feels like a sadness so deep it defies expression through sobbing, wailing or mere tears. It is always accompanied by a sheer disbelief and exasperation at a blind unkindness or injustice. It is JUST not possible to solve such a pain with an effort to cry out. From anyone else's view, it looks like I can't breathe. And from the reactions I receive during those deep deep grieving places, it must be very alarming to view, like I will drown in my own tears. It rarely rarely happens as an adult. Only Teknon and Hubbs have ever hurt me enough to invoke it, in recent memory. In the last five years ONLY Teknon has done so.