Well, Jesus,
it's been awhile since I came here to yak it up with You. I cloister away in my private journals when I am chewing over really revelationary things with You, as You know. Some of the stuck and utterly tail chasing entries are just so in need of a pen, Ya know ? So, we did it. We got me to a new crux of an issue that has been stumbling me for a good long time now. Heart ! That wicked little engine of passion and hate. The thing we plaster all over the place with that little red shape
. Mine's been closing down. Slowly, step by step, one footfall at a time... without apology. No problem as far as I can see. I am protecting myself from any further damage to it, RIGHT ?
WRONG ! !
I was heading headlong into the realm of cold love. WHY ? Because I poured all of it into Teknon, holding Your Hand the whole time, and... he ends up gobbling up all the resources we will give him to heal himself (he ALWAYS comes home wounded, crashing and penniless), gets stronger, turns on us, vilifies us on the way out the door and vanishes. OVER and over and over and over and over again. How could THIS be the outcome to pouring out love ? So, solution simple. Don't love anyone like that anymore. No problem. Done DONE done.
Well, there is this funny little fact about all that. Your children can't shut down the love thing without shutting down our relationship with You, in kind. PPPPpppththththth...
THAT is not okay with me. Not even a little bit. I need You like water, sunshine, air and food. There is no doing without You. So, NOW WHAT ?
So, I tried praying for Teknon. You asked me to do that anyway. I feared praying for him. Why? Because I know that when I pray for someone, there is the possibility that I am the only one who does. Why does that matter ? Because... If I am the only one aligning my heart with Your love for him, then I might be the only one ready for You to use to be the human agent of Your will toward him. I DON'T want to get that close to him anymore. He is NOT good to me. So, I asked You, "Jesus, if I pray for him as You ask me to, will I have to be involved in his healing again ? I don't want to be." I felt peace that You said 'no' in Your way. I thanked You and went to settle into praying for him.
Interestingly, my heart was not in it. I had asked You to break the connection that I had with him, a couple of years earlier, because I couldn't take the pain anymore. I felt it leave, instantly. Still being gone, I asked if I should ask to have it back so that I could pray properly. You granted it's return. PROBLEM ! I started having dreams and nightmares about him that I hadn't had for a long time. The cost of praying for him was too high. I had no peace. I asked You to please close it down again. You did. I forget to pray for him again. The prayers, if I do remember, are obligatory again. Sort of uninspired and doubtfully impactful they are... but, I can sleep way better. I don't get all tangled in concerns about Teknon, and I am much more content and focused on my life.
I struggle for understanding. I believe that You illustrated approval of me shutting down my spiritual connection with him. You seemed to communicate that it was for my protection, not once or twice, but over and over and over for long months now. So, I am content in this.
The problem is not only that I forget to pray for him, but also that I have grown more cold hearted in general at the same time. I used to get lots of reference on the inside, that I attributed to the great strength of that love bond, for loving others well. If someone was difficult, say, I would think to myself,"If this was Teknon, how would I want to love him through this situation?" OR, " If this was Teknon, and I were a stranger, how would I want a stranger to treat him?" That would give me the reference place to treat others more lovingly. You already know all this, Jesus, but recapping it gets me where I want to go with You, today.
SO, now, I notice that without that reference place anymore, I have grown apathetic at times where I used to be so much more motivated to be a 'better me' towards others. A 'better me' for You, I always want to be. The illustration of this love for Teknon that was so easy, well considered, and purer, was a tool to get me there on the inside, to loving kindness in my heart toward all humans. A human spiritual love connection for reference. It was different and stronger, in some ways, than my loving of Hubbs, as it was purely non-sexual in nature. Without sex, the only expressions of love one can offer is through kind consideration, gentleness, good will and energetic service to the needs of the other. Teknon got that from me for many years.
So, the very shredding of such a love, which he did for the last three or four times that he came through here, left me doe-eyed and baffled. Who DOES this ! ? ! Turns on another who has offered them endless kindness and love for a lifetime ? I'm not even his Mother. Everything I have ever done for him has been a gift... a gift from You, through me. We have no connection but that which You had built. We are not biological kin. How does someone trash a gift like that ?
So, in the end, I adopted Hubbs' take on the whole thing. Hubbs says he and Teknon don't like each other very much. He didn't get to raise Teknon, to influence his upbringing. Teknon is not like Hubbs. ( They ARE different. ) Hubbs says he knew that Teknon would do this. He says that he always knew that Teknon was playing me. He says I was blinded by my rose-colored glasses. But, Ya know, Lord ? ... That doesn't really sit right with me. That was never my take, though I always did know that Teknon played me some, all kids do.
I remember how loving Teknon had been toward me for so many years. I was there witnessing that, even when Hubbs was not. Actually, MOSTLY when Hubbs was not. Hubbs often didn't take part in our time together. He didn't want to. He was glad we were off busy somewhere in the house. His interests didn't really line up with ours. Hubbs had different interests than me and Teknon shared. I was USED TO working with kids for a living, so I always centered everything around Teknon's interests. Teknon kind of took the lead in how time was spent. So, even now, I don't really buy that 'playing me' was the whole of it.
At any rate, all that aside, Teknon's purposeful, blatant, emotional mistreatment of me, for weeks on end in my own home, under the roof that was provided for him free of charge... damaged me. I have NEVER been more damaged by any other than I have been damaged by him. I closed me down !
The cost ? I not only shut my heart to loving again, I shut my heart to expecting to receive love again. You know what that means better than I do, Jesus. That means I shut YOU out ! I never meant to do that. I am so sorry. I just had to come here and say that. YOU are my REASON.
And, Thanks for my Hubbs. He is the best gift You have EVER given me. He is the real thing. I am so blessed to have walked with the real thing for years and years. You know, when someone REALLY loves a person, they can tell when another doesn't. He tried to warn me for many years about Teknon. I wasn't listening. You warned me, too. More than once. I wasn't listening to that either. I am so sorry. Help my heart to be revived in You. Forgive Teknon for his ignorance of the things that he does to others, over and over. He does it to many others as well as me. I always wondered what they were talking about. He had never done this to me before. He really, in truth, knows not what he does, Jesus.
You are the King of me. Take my in Your able hands and re-open it to the loving outworking of Your kindness in, to and through me. That, once, was all I knew in You. Be MY King.
it's been awhile since I came here to yak it up with You. I cloister away in my private journals when I am chewing over really revelationary things with You, as You know. Some of the stuck and utterly tail chasing entries are just so in need of a pen, Ya know ? So, we did it. We got me to a new crux of an issue that has been stumbling me for a good long time now. Heart ! That wicked little engine of passion and hate. The thing we plaster all over the place with that little red shape
. Mine's been closing down. Slowly, step by step, one footfall at a time... without apology. No problem as far as I can see. I am protecting myself from any further damage to it, RIGHT ?WRONG !
!I was heading headlong into the realm of cold love. WHY ? Because I poured all of it into Teknon, holding Your Hand the whole time, and... he ends up gobbling up all the resources we will give him to heal himself (he ALWAYS comes home wounded, crashing and penniless), gets stronger, turns on us, vilifies us on the way out the door and vanishes. OVER and over and over and over and over again. How could THIS be the outcome to pouring out love ? So, solution simple. Don't love anyone like that anymore. No problem. Done DONE done.
Well, there is this funny little fact about all that. Your children can't shut down the love thing without shutting down our relationship with You, in kind. PPPPpppththththth...
THAT is not okay with me. Not even a little bit. I need You like water, sunshine, air and food. There is no doing without You. So, NOW WHAT ?
So, I tried praying for Teknon. You asked me to do that anyway. I feared praying for him. Why? Because I know that when I pray for someone, there is the possibility that I am the only one who does. Why does that matter ? Because... If I am the only one aligning my heart with Your love for him, then I might be the only one ready for You to use to be the human agent of Your will toward him. I DON'T want to get that close to him anymore. He is NOT good to me. So, I asked You, "Jesus, if I pray for him as You ask me to, will I have to be involved in his healing again ? I don't want to be." I felt peace that You said 'no' in Your way. I thanked You and went to settle into praying for him.
Interestingly, my heart was not in it. I had asked You to break the connection that I had with him, a couple of years earlier, because I couldn't take the pain anymore. I felt it leave, instantly. Still being gone, I asked if I should ask to have it back so that I could pray properly. You granted it's return. PROBLEM ! I started having dreams and nightmares about him that I hadn't had for a long time. The cost of praying for him was too high. I had no peace. I asked You to please close it down again. You did. I forget to pray for him again. The prayers, if I do remember, are obligatory again. Sort of uninspired and doubtfully impactful they are... but, I can sleep way better. I don't get all tangled in concerns about Teknon, and I am much more content and focused on my life.
I struggle for understanding. I believe that You illustrated approval of me shutting down my spiritual connection with him. You seemed to communicate that it was for my protection, not once or twice, but over and over and over for long months now. So, I am content in this.
The problem is not only that I forget to pray for him, but also that I have grown more cold hearted in general at the same time. I used to get lots of reference on the inside, that I attributed to the great strength of that love bond, for loving others well. If someone was difficult, say, I would think to myself,"If this was Teknon, how would I want to love him through this situation?" OR, " If this was Teknon, and I were a stranger, how would I want a stranger to treat him?" That would give me the reference place to treat others more lovingly. You already know all this, Jesus, but recapping it gets me where I want to go with You, today.
SO, now, I notice that without that reference place anymore, I have grown apathetic at times where I used to be so much more motivated to be a 'better me' towards others. A 'better me' for You, I always want to be. The illustration of this love for Teknon that was so easy, well considered, and purer, was a tool to get me there on the inside, to loving kindness in my heart toward all humans. A human spiritual love connection for reference. It was different and stronger, in some ways, than my loving of Hubbs, as it was purely non-sexual in nature. Without sex, the only expressions of love one can offer is through kind consideration, gentleness, good will and energetic service to the needs of the other. Teknon got that from me for many years.
So, the very shredding of such a love, which he did for the last three or four times that he came through here, left me doe-eyed and baffled. Who DOES this ! ? ! Turns on another who has offered them endless kindness and love for a lifetime ? I'm not even his Mother. Everything I have ever done for him has been a gift... a gift from You, through me. We have no connection but that which You had built. We are not biological kin. How does someone trash a gift like that ?
So, in the end, I adopted Hubbs' take on the whole thing. Hubbs says he and Teknon don't like each other very much. He didn't get to raise Teknon, to influence his upbringing. Teknon is not like Hubbs. ( They ARE different. ) Hubbs says he knew that Teknon would do this. He says that he always knew that Teknon was playing me. He says I was blinded by my rose-colored glasses. But, Ya know, Lord ? ... That doesn't really sit right with me. That was never my take, though I always did know that Teknon played me some, all kids do.
I remember how loving Teknon had been toward me for so many years. I was there witnessing that, even when Hubbs was not. Actually, MOSTLY when Hubbs was not. Hubbs often didn't take part in our time together. He didn't want to. He was glad we were off busy somewhere in the house. His interests didn't really line up with ours. Hubbs had different interests than me and Teknon shared. I was USED TO working with kids for a living, so I always centered everything around Teknon's interests. Teknon kind of took the lead in how time was spent. So, even now, I don't really buy that 'playing me' was the whole of it.
At any rate, all that aside, Teknon's purposeful, blatant, emotional mistreatment of me, for weeks on end in my own home, under the roof that was provided for him free of charge... damaged me. I have NEVER been more damaged by any other than I have been damaged by him. I closed me down !
The cost ? I not only shut my heart to loving again, I shut my heart to expecting to receive love again. You know what that means better than I do, Jesus. That means I shut YOU out ! I never meant to do that. I am so sorry. I just had to come here and say that. YOU are my REASON.
And, Thanks for my Hubbs. He is the best gift You have EVER given me. He is the real thing. I am so blessed to have walked with the real thing for years and years. You know, when someone REALLY loves a person, they can tell when another doesn't. He tried to warn me for many years about Teknon. I wasn't listening. You warned me, too. More than once. I wasn't listening to that either. I am so sorry. Help my heart to be revived in You. Forgive Teknon for his ignorance of the things that he does to others, over and over. He does it to many others as well as me. I always wondered what they were talking about. He had never done this to me before. He really, in truth, knows not what he does, Jesus.
You are the King of me. Take my
in Your able hands and re-open it to the loving outworking of Your kindness in, to and through me. That, once, was all I knew in You. Be MY King.
