bornagain91 said:
"Come Holy Spirit, Come."
People who try to console me about my recent grieving, they don't KNOW this one who grieves my spirit like we do, Jesus. They don't know the potential and the gifts that are squandered in his core. Hell, _I_ don't know them like You do ! And, fortunately, YOU know how to shape them and draw them out.... thanks be to GOD for that ! I trust You are, even now, doing just that.
The grief settles around his long established habit of punishment in the face of weakness in me, mostly emotional weakness, but really ANY KIND of weakness. Either he exploits it or abuses it. Grace, mercy, forgiveness, kindness, covering... all absent from him. The antithesis of what has been offered him by me, as You would have me do. AND.... grief settles around his fear of conflict. He is one of the cold and silent ICEKINGS of our world. One who draws all into the field of battle, not through hashing out the conflict, truly seeking for understanding and overcoming.... no.... conflict is not a swinging door to change or resolution. It is an icy, arid peak on which to camp and 'survive the harshness.' A pretense of unusual proportion. Lets all pretend we don't care !!! Yeah !
Who in fact, is more quarrelsome, the man who passes through conflict with ease toward resolution or he who runs from conflict, spreading strife and seeking sympathetic new alliances among the uninformed and unitiated for months and years on end ? All the while spreading rejection, neglect and abandonment among the family that he CLAIMS to love... The silent war within to avoid all difficult negotiation with others, born of fear of rejection, the get-them-before-they-get-you attitude, arrogant pride and rebellion, spills out on all who have invested their hearts and lives in that one. I've decided that the silence of the proud and fearful, who refuse to excersize the faith for change potential in conflict, are the most violent of all the anger styles. Arrogant in it's assurance that it alone is righteous in its stance. Arrogant and rebellious, refusing to see or explore the portion or burden of another.
So, I find myself learning a new mode of operation.... the one that ALL SAY I SHOULD LEARN.... quitting. Strategic quitting, planned and necessary to keep me from being off task with YOU, Jesus. I am looking for my Rehoboth. My spacious place, free..... FREE... from the terrorism of the unkind and abusive who convince me over and over and over that they regard me too little, extend kindness too seldom and expect perfection from me on a one-way street.
The grief settles around his long established habit of punishment in the face of weakness in me, mostly emotional weakness, but really ANY KIND of weakness. Either he exploits it or abuses it. Grace, mercy, forgiveness, kindness, covering... all absent from him. The antithesis of what has been offered him by me, as You would have me do. AND.... grief settles around his fear of conflict. He is one of the cold and silent ICEKINGS of our world. One who draws all into the field of battle, not through hashing out the conflict, truly seeking for understanding and overcoming.... no.... conflict is not a swinging door to change or resolution. It is an icy, arid peak on which to camp and 'survive the harshness.' A pretense of unusual proportion. Lets all pretend we don't care !!! Yeah !
Who in fact, is more quarrelsome, the man who passes through conflict with ease toward resolution or he who runs from conflict, spreading strife and seeking sympathetic new alliances among the uninformed and unitiated for months and years on end ? All the while spreading rejection, neglect and abandonment among the family that he CLAIMS to love... The silent war within to avoid all difficult negotiation with others, born of fear of rejection, the get-them-before-they-get-you attitude, arrogant pride and rebellion, spills out on all who have invested their hearts and lives in that one. I've decided that the silence of the proud and fearful, who refuse to excersize the faith for change potential in conflict, are the most violent of all the anger styles. Arrogant in it's assurance that it alone is righteous in its stance. Arrogant and rebellious, refusing to see or explore the portion or burden of another.
So, I find myself learning a new mode of operation.... the one that ALL SAY I SHOULD LEARN.... quitting. Strategic quitting, planned and necessary to keep me from being off task with YOU, Jesus. I am looking for my Rehoboth. My spacious place, free..... FREE... from the terrorism of the unkind and abusive who convince me over and over and over that they regard me too little, extend kindness too seldom and expect perfection from me on a one-way street.
There's no room for me in this relationship.... there used to be, but no more. It's been a very LONG TIME since there was. I am used and abused here. I am only in it on his terms... I need to move on and regain Rehoboth, in You, Jesus. Please DO usher in the angels that guard my heart, for Your glory and my edification. Ready me for a day when this calls on me again, if You must... for now, shield me. I DON'T WANT to suffer this one's abuse, quarreling and unkindness anymore, Jesus. He is not good to me. He doesn't fight for me. I'll quit saying his name and allowing my love for him to be mulled over inside. It's an eternal thing, love, yet it wounds me endlessly and must be held away. Help me guard my heart with Your angels, Jesus. I'll turn from every memory with devotion to You. I don't even trust my prayers for him to be righteous toward him, Jesus, so for now, I will pray, "Thy will BE DONE," and no more. In obedience to all I hear... I surrender to YOU alone. I, for the first time ever, quit this one who so often quits me, with joy and faith in Your love for us both to be beyond anything I can understand. Knowing, that You alone know how to love us into Your Kingdom. I am counting on You to make new room for me among the righteous whose acceptance I can breathe in.
