from September 30, 2008:
Thanks, Jesus. I prefer to operate in reality... in Spirit and in Truth.
Today, I learned the man I used to love, in Teknon, is dead and gone, at least he wants me to believe that. He talks cold and hardened and angered by whatever he has been doing with himself for the past two years. He has more wall around him than he recognizes, I guess. I don't think he knows that he sounds so hard and tough from this end. I guess he's still in there somewhere, but he doesn't want me near the good-hearted nice guy, for some reason.
Today, I learned that he hurts... Tough, 'in control' and cold. Not my son anymore, his own creation now.
Why'd You put him in our path, Lord? Why did You make us the only ones who answered the phone that night? He said he called others, and there are about 20 people who are willing to give him a ride home from the hospital, today. Why'd you leave us as the only ones who went to him that morning after surgery? My heart fell open like no time had passed. I learned that I completely LOVE him no matter what he does to me. Did I need to know that? His father hesitated to even go to him. Did I need to know that?
I learned that he doesn't seem to love me, anymore. I guess I knew that... I mean, if it doesn't look like, sound like or feel like love, I guess it ISN'T love, right?
I learned that we don't flow freely at all, like we used to. He's full of walls and obstacles to those old days, I guess. I suppose he lost the paths he wanted to lose, right? Why DID he call two weeks ago, anyway? I guess he was hoping his father would answer the phone instead of me, that day?
It really doesn't matter how much I love him at all anymore. I DID need to know that so I could deal with that truth. Illusions are unhealthy. I've been sick to my stomach with this since Saturday. Please heal me, Jesus. I want to move on and be well again, like I was on Friday, or like I will be when I accept the new truths. Continue to protect me, Jesus, from the cold-heartedness of this 'son.' I've never loved like this before. I wish it was a love that I could celebrate with him... one that was returned to me, like it used to be. But, I'd rather know the truth and learn to live with it. SO help me, please, Jesus.
amen
Thanks, Jesus. I prefer to operate in reality... in Spirit and in Truth.
Today, I learned the man I used to love, in Teknon, is dead and gone, at least he wants me to believe that. He talks cold and hardened and angered by whatever he has been doing with himself for the past two years. He has more wall around him than he recognizes, I guess. I don't think he knows that he sounds so hard and tough from this end. I guess he's still in there somewhere, but he doesn't want me near the good-hearted nice guy, for some reason.
Today, I learned that he hurts... Tough, 'in control' and cold. Not my son anymore, his own creation now.
Why'd You put him in our path, Lord? Why did You make us the only ones who answered the phone that night? He said he called others, and there are about 20 people who are willing to give him a ride home from the hospital, today. Why'd you leave us as the only ones who went to him that morning after surgery? My heart fell open like no time had passed. I learned that I completely LOVE him no matter what he does to me. Did I need to know that? His father hesitated to even go to him. Did I need to know that?
I learned that he doesn't seem to love me, anymore. I guess I knew that... I mean, if it doesn't look like, sound like or feel like love, I guess it ISN'T love, right?
I learned that we don't flow freely at all, like we used to. He's full of walls and obstacles to those old days, I guess. I suppose he lost the paths he wanted to lose, right? Why DID he call two weeks ago, anyway? I guess he was hoping his father would answer the phone instead of me, that day?
It really doesn't matter how much I love him at all anymore. I DID need to know that so I could deal with that truth. Illusions are unhealthy. I've been sick to my stomach with this since Saturday. Please heal me, Jesus. I want to move on and be well again, like I was on Friday, or like I will be when I accept the new truths. Continue to protect me, Jesus, from the cold-heartedness of this 'son.' I've never loved like this before. I wish it was a love that I could celebrate with him... one that was returned to me, like it used to be. But, I'd rather know the truth and learn to live with it. SO help me, please, Jesus.
amen
