~ Joy in a quiet empty house

Jesus.... we were alone today.... I love that.... though it sort of seems like we ALWAYS are. I liked having no one ask me to do a thing, except me and You. AND, I did very little more than stare at the beauty of GR. The silent falling leaves were slow, golden and constant on this windless day on our mountaintop. Like another world where flakes of gold fell from the sky. Squirrels and deer were the only ones here with us.

I prayed a lot today... all day, I think. I cried soooooo hard today, too. It's better to cry when it is just me and You... no one gets imposed on, then. These tears come from a place so very VERY deep. No one else but You can carry them with me. You are so kind, Jesus.

KINDNESS. I spent a long time thinking about kindness. I might begin a new Blog.." Kindness from the Hands of God "... Maybe fill them both up as the day fits one or the other. I cried over unkindness. So much unkindness has been in my life. Others may think it is not so much, or sort of a lot, but bearable. You, though, You know how I am made. You KNOW every grip that my stomach turns at each and every unkind word and deed. You know how very few days these things are absent from my walk. You KNOW WHY YOU MADE ME THIS WAY. Hubbs says I am just over-sensitive, which sounds unkind in itself. And, he is so rough-shod, still. He has softened and become a better dancer over the years, yet he is unkind regularly with his tongue.... every day. Still, he tries harder than anyone.

I was thinking about WHY You made me to remain in this innocence of sensitivity to unkindness, like a hell, for so many many decades. Part of me has never 'grown up' into the tough-skinned person that most my age have become. WHY. Then, I was thinking how You have withheld love from me, in the purer form, that I know so well in You, through humans. I've never had a 'lover' next to me, for more than maybe a few years, once. I mean 'lover' in the purer sense of 'one who values love above all else and SPEAKS LOVE.' The one who was there once was not a physical lover, aside from affection. And, it was SOOOOOO brief...maybe a two year fellowship. Then, that too was taken or torn.... whatever.

So, I asked You WHY, in my journal, between tears and sobbing. And, You brought me this:

So, as my life, has been filled with the bitter company of abuse survivors, addicts, divorce's ravaged and broken ones, in this marriage.... I guess, You are saying that You are teaching me to find sweet moments in the deprivation, that most would overlook or something. The ones who are sated with love and kindness would shun the wafers that I find here and there, huh?

Hands down, my walk with You would not be as rich if I was in a loving family. My Hubbs AMAZES me on how little he can subsist in. He lives without anything during hard days, emotionally and spiritually, and walks on. By habit he pushes offerings away. He speaks with the insulating distance of happenings to fill the air. I'm a dang mush who starves around here, all the time. But, Hubbs is getting better and better at caring about me... after two decades of waiting. I've grown less and less patient... I whine quickly, now. I can't take anymore lovelessness from him. I also have no interest in the cold personalities, anymore. I block them from my path. I wonder if that's what You want from me, and I hope that I don't need to minister, or be good at ministering, to everyone for You. You ARE GOD. You can send someone whose better at them than me, right?

So, none of this may SOUND like 'joy.' Yet, the fact that me and You KNOW what I'm talking about.... that You know how truly I speak, this is JOY to me. You feed my hunger, Jesus. Thanks for wanting to.




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