~ Joy, done running to and fro...

I think I know, now, what You feel when we abandon the love that You try so ceaselessly to share with us, Jesus. You see us go off on wild rhomps through every other thing, searching, to acquire such a love as Your's. We swear we have finally found the answer in a person, an idea, a thing, a place. You know that the loves must be anointed by You, and You know which are and which aren't before we do. We so often confuse the superficial satisfaction of some perceived need as LOVE, so special, so otherworldly... so fulfilling. You know the finite road we take before we paint our first footfall... we are drawn forward by the promises of even better and more satisfying experience of release, fulfillment, respite, life, connection.... We rush on in our search, excusing the hollow and the disappointing as "temporary pitfalls" on our path. We bandaid and confuse the obvious rifts in our trek with "typical resistances of life"... over and over we rationalize, depending on the sweetness of the deceipt in the initial introduction that drew us down this road.

One day, we wake from our trance's path to see that we have been occupying our time with pursuit of ghosts of a joy, that we labeled 'love'. We stop. We look around at the distance we have come, the vistas we passed by and the places we arrive near, gathering our bearings... and we sink in despair to learn, once again, that we have left You behind. We have chased the promise of some satisfaction on the wind as a butterfly into fields of great loss and grievious disarray. And, then, we call to You to re-order us.

How do You tolerate the pain of all the abandonments that we impose on Your ready love, Jesus ? What stuff are You made of to continually be steadfast and available on the moment that we end our hurried journeys away from the ONLY LOVE that ever proves worthy ?

Here, I am again, Lord. I have believed in false love, again. I look up and all around from here, on my knees, crying, "Father, forgive me. I thought it was You. When did I cross into that place that ignored You prodding me to return to the path You had set for my feet, Jesus ? What was the draw so tender and untrue that drew me THAT way ? "

Some days, I wonder what use at all has come of my years. I tarry along paths so misladen with death and destruction for long spells. What mesmer is the one that chants his drool all over my feet ? What unholy hunger drives my hand to reach across such tables opposing You ? What deceipt believes that You have called me down the way away from You, Jesus ?

After all these years.... why do I not recognize the Truth that You are, right in front of me, Jesus ? You manifest in my way and yet I long for the way of another path devoid of all You promise me. What blindness ? What prices have I paid unduly that You would gladly have spared me ?

My heart is ever tying relationship and blessing. The blessings overflow from within me, unbeckoned and most generously, toward those who create relationship with me, and ever more those who also have relationship with You. The love, the joy, the peace, these all circle round such a unity. So WHY do I always break from our relationship, "just for now, just for a moment", to chase another promise.... another fulfillment... and expect to be blessed after I have left You behind ? There is no blessing that issues from me toward any that leave me behind. Why do I expect as much from You, Jesus ? What crazy expectation of Your blessing, favor and increase in my life do I proffer when I am holding too tightly to another road ?