I was/have been a Communist for about ten years. For the most part, this meant discussing politics online, although I was briefly a member of the Communist Party of Britain. I left when my doubts became hard to avoid. The only lasting consequence of party membership is that under US Law I could not become a naturalised citizen because they don't trust me to support the constitution. Its hard not to have a perverted sense of pride at this, but make of it what you will. Its been a long journey getting to the point where questioning these beliefs was more than a series of private doubts.
When I was young being a communist was a positive experience about imagining how the world could be made better and I grew up a great deal from that. However, as my understanding has advanced it has become a complex and distinctly "ugly" attempt at apologetics for some of the worst dictatorships in the 20th century, if only to justify these beliefs and my identity to myself. Having read accounts of what happened in the USSR and what is still going on in North Korea, it has made me fundamentally question "how" I got here and "why" I should keep going.
In truth, it has had a great deal to do with fear. In my head at least, much of it was driven by fears of "climate change" as a sort of apocalyptic future event. I've tended to defer to scientific authority so this is an idea that I was more open to than I would have been if it had been present in a religious guise. Being a Communist at least offered an escape from those fears, but after looking closer and trying to get a more detailed understanding of what the effects would be- its pretty clear that what I believe and what may actually happen are a long way apart. Climate Change is real (I think) but fear isn't helpful response to it. It has to be much more positive and life-affirming if it were to offer any real solutions or catch on.
A psychologist would point out however that this is all essentially a series of constructed myths (regardless as to whether they are true or not) for thinking about death and how I respond to it. Being a Communist offered an escape by putting my own individual mortality out of my mind in favour of a immortality of being part of a "collective" and working for the benefit of mankind. In giving me a sense of structure, an identity and purpose, it would be fair to describe the experience as being "religious". Online, even though I am an atheist, I tend to get on with religious people much better than other atheists because I "get" the inner experience of faith more. Christians debate whether Paul is an authentic interpretation of Jesus, the same way Marxists debate whether Lenin was the "true" representative of Marx. There may be an underlying political reality behind it, but the propensity for Marxists to split in to ever smaller and more irreverent factional groupings each claiming to have an absolute truth that will change the world if only you believe hard enough has distinctly religious overtones.
Much like Fundamentalist Christians, Communists treat Science as part of the ideology and incorporate it those part that help their cause, whilst reject the parts that don't fit. For Christians, reconciling the book of genesis with Darwin's theory of evolution is a big deal, either rejecting it entirely or else finding some way to compromise between faith and science. Communists have issues with a variety of subjects, like quantum mechanics (as it undermines belief in a deterministic understanding of the universe by giving sub-atomic particles "free will") and the big bang (because the soviet physicists were scrambling for a way to say everything came from nothing without getting killed for saying "God did it"). Both of these scientific theories conflict with Marxist scripture (Lenin's "Materialism and Empiro-Criticism" to be exact). This is advanced stuff though and even as I've tried to flick through an east German textbook on quantum mechanics, there is still part of me thinking anything this complicated can only be a misguide form of intellectual self-harm.
Originally, my belief in Communism was pretty informal and "average" but with the onset of depression, it got much more intense and the "need" to believe in something got stronger. The combination of depression means it certainly "felt" like a religious conversion given the deep need to believe something. In a very long and roundabout way, I took a deeper interest in Marxist-Leninist philosophy as used in the Soviet Union. Where I am now is the realisation that if Marxism-Leninism is the "true" version of Communism, virtually all of my beliefs would be wrong because I had no prior knowledge of Soviet Marxism at all. Whilst the Soviets aren't around any more, it became clear that they would question the science of climate change and looking in to how they might do it made me more aware of how little I really understood the subject beyond a few generalities. They probably wouldn't have been climate change deniers but they would probably have pointed out that the deep pessimism in how climate change science is presented is a way to demoralise people so they don't fight for "socialism" and lose faith in the future of mankind).
On another front, I have been a member of religiousforums.com for several years and being there made it harder to escape the fact that my understanding of atheism is intellectually "weak", and also would not stand up to any serious criticism. More Generally, my knowledge of religion is practically nill and the experience of being a Marxist means I can imagine just how vast, diverse and confusing the history of religious controversies would be that I don't know about. For the Marxist theorist in me, the fact I had no idea how the Soviets reached the conclusion that Atheism is an indisputable scientific fact, let alone knowing how to defend it, is enough to question my "orthodoxy". Starting to grasp the bizarre mixture of dogma and sophistication of Soviet thought made me aware of just how feeble my views really are and why I need to start over from scratch.
In one sense, its liberating as I no longer have to justify to myself every evil under the sun. On the other hand, its a deeply personal, confusing "crisis of faith" that involves intimate self-examination. There is a push-and-pull on it because sometimes I remember how "good" it feels and the thrill and joy of trying to figure something out or learning something I never knew before. I can imagine there are Christians, as well as followers of any faith, who look at the darker period of their beliefs history with a deep sense of shame, remorse and guilt. The experience is much the same of being a Communist, and ditching the label doesn't mean getting away from man's capacity for evil- whatever beliefs he or she may have to rationalise it.
Many Christians believe that hell is a real place created by god to judge and punish the sinners. Communists went one step further and created gulags as a way to judge and punish the "enemies of the people". The difference is that Communists have to explicitly combine the willingness to do evil things for good reasons. Neither sit comfortably with the belief in an all-powerful being doing it all for the "greater good" or that man has an inherent dignity that entitles them to building paradise on earth. Given past experience of being knee deep in Marxist theory, I'm probably going to feel at home debating Christian Theology once I understand it better. Being around people who are each on a journey for answers certainly sounds conducive to personal growth, even it is may be in a different direction. I have a lot to look forward to if I can get past swallowing my pride.
When I was young being a communist was a positive experience about imagining how the world could be made better and I grew up a great deal from that. However, as my understanding has advanced it has become a complex and distinctly "ugly" attempt at apologetics for some of the worst dictatorships in the 20th century, if only to justify these beliefs and my identity to myself. Having read accounts of what happened in the USSR and what is still going on in North Korea, it has made me fundamentally question "how" I got here and "why" I should keep going.
In truth, it has had a great deal to do with fear. In my head at least, much of it was driven by fears of "climate change" as a sort of apocalyptic future event. I've tended to defer to scientific authority so this is an idea that I was more open to than I would have been if it had been present in a religious guise. Being a Communist at least offered an escape from those fears, but after looking closer and trying to get a more detailed understanding of what the effects would be- its pretty clear that what I believe and what may actually happen are a long way apart. Climate Change is real (I think) but fear isn't helpful response to it. It has to be much more positive and life-affirming if it were to offer any real solutions or catch on.
A psychologist would point out however that this is all essentially a series of constructed myths (regardless as to whether they are true or not) for thinking about death and how I respond to it. Being a Communist offered an escape by putting my own individual mortality out of my mind in favour of a immortality of being part of a "collective" and working for the benefit of mankind. In giving me a sense of structure, an identity and purpose, it would be fair to describe the experience as being "religious". Online, even though I am an atheist, I tend to get on with religious people much better than other atheists because I "get" the inner experience of faith more. Christians debate whether Paul is an authentic interpretation of Jesus, the same way Marxists debate whether Lenin was the "true" representative of Marx. There may be an underlying political reality behind it, but the propensity for Marxists to split in to ever smaller and more irreverent factional groupings each claiming to have an absolute truth that will change the world if only you believe hard enough has distinctly religious overtones.
Much like Fundamentalist Christians, Communists treat Science as part of the ideology and incorporate it those part that help their cause, whilst reject the parts that don't fit. For Christians, reconciling the book of genesis with Darwin's theory of evolution is a big deal, either rejecting it entirely or else finding some way to compromise between faith and science. Communists have issues with a variety of subjects, like quantum mechanics (as it undermines belief in a deterministic understanding of the universe by giving sub-atomic particles "free will") and the big bang (because the soviet physicists were scrambling for a way to say everything came from nothing without getting killed for saying "God did it"). Both of these scientific theories conflict with Marxist scripture (Lenin's "Materialism and Empiro-Criticism" to be exact). This is advanced stuff though and even as I've tried to flick through an east German textbook on quantum mechanics, there is still part of me thinking anything this complicated can only be a misguide form of intellectual self-harm.
Originally, my belief in Communism was pretty informal and "average" but with the onset of depression, it got much more intense and the "need" to believe in something got stronger. The combination of depression means it certainly "felt" like a religious conversion given the deep need to believe something. In a very long and roundabout way, I took a deeper interest in Marxist-Leninist philosophy as used in the Soviet Union. Where I am now is the realisation that if Marxism-Leninism is the "true" version of Communism, virtually all of my beliefs would be wrong because I had no prior knowledge of Soviet Marxism at all. Whilst the Soviets aren't around any more, it became clear that they would question the science of climate change and looking in to how they might do it made me more aware of how little I really understood the subject beyond a few generalities. They probably wouldn't have been climate change deniers but they would probably have pointed out that the deep pessimism in how climate change science is presented is a way to demoralise people so they don't fight for "socialism" and lose faith in the future of mankind).
On another front, I have been a member of religiousforums.com for several years and being there made it harder to escape the fact that my understanding of atheism is intellectually "weak", and also would not stand up to any serious criticism. More Generally, my knowledge of religion is practically nill and the experience of being a Marxist means I can imagine just how vast, diverse and confusing the history of religious controversies would be that I don't know about. For the Marxist theorist in me, the fact I had no idea how the Soviets reached the conclusion that Atheism is an indisputable scientific fact, let alone knowing how to defend it, is enough to question my "orthodoxy". Starting to grasp the bizarre mixture of dogma and sophistication of Soviet thought made me aware of just how feeble my views really are and why I need to start over from scratch.
In one sense, its liberating as I no longer have to justify to myself every evil under the sun. On the other hand, its a deeply personal, confusing "crisis of faith" that involves intimate self-examination. There is a push-and-pull on it because sometimes I remember how "good" it feels and the thrill and joy of trying to figure something out or learning something I never knew before. I can imagine there are Christians, as well as followers of any faith, who look at the darker period of their beliefs history with a deep sense of shame, remorse and guilt. The experience is much the same of being a Communist, and ditching the label doesn't mean getting away from man's capacity for evil- whatever beliefs he or she may have to rationalise it.
Many Christians believe that hell is a real place created by god to judge and punish the sinners. Communists went one step further and created gulags as a way to judge and punish the "enemies of the people". The difference is that Communists have to explicitly combine the willingness to do evil things for good reasons. Neither sit comfortably with the belief in an all-powerful being doing it all for the "greater good" or that man has an inherent dignity that entitles them to building paradise on earth. Given past experience of being knee deep in Marxist theory, I'm probably going to feel at home debating Christian Theology once I understand it better. Being around people who are each on a journey for answers certainly sounds conducive to personal growth, even it is may be in a different direction. I have a lot to look forward to if I can get past swallowing my pride.
