Things have started to get easier for depression and anxiety recently. Things aren't perfect but I've had a couple of times when I've realised I may actually be more emotionally healthy and open than many of the people around me.
On Saturday I went out to town and bought a few dvd's. The guy at the counter asked how I was as he was putting the dvd's through the till and I said I was fine and ask how he was. He said he was fine and that it was unusual for someone to ask the question back as he was just being polite. I've been working in a charity shop at a till for about the past year and learned to strike up conversations with people as they come in and out of the store. Its all good for my self-confidence at least. Battling depression is hard, and the "big" problems in my life (such as getting a paid job, moving somewhere less rural etc) aren't easy to solve, but every now and then you get something small that comes along and reminds you your doing alright.
Its starting to become clearer that much of the mental problems I've had are- to a greater or lesser degree- conditioned and not innate qualities or defects of personality. It is something I can change, although its slow because I'm undoing years of inner monologues built up by habit. I'm writing out stuff on paper to try and get an idea of "where" the most sensitive ideas are and where they most need to change, and it is working. I can start to see "holes" and areas where I'm thinking about something in terms that are too absolute to be a reflection of my own experience. I don't watch the Television and have drastically cut down my internet usage since the start of this year and it is paying off. Being in front of a screen limits your experience and your thinking and so you're wiring up your brain to think in very fixed and rigid patterns. Your giving up control of your emotions and thought processes to other people who manufacture those artificial environments. That's true for me, but I'm not sure if it is more universal. Either way, there is a process of emotionally "opening up" going on. Breaking it down in to small chunks and taking small and more manageable steps is slow but seems to be working.
I know there are many people on CF who have depression and anxiety, and are coping with their share of problems, so if you are reading this- look after yourselves, learn to love being alive no matter what happens and good luck to you.
On Saturday I went out to town and bought a few dvd's. The guy at the counter asked how I was as he was putting the dvd's through the till and I said I was fine and ask how he was. He said he was fine and that it was unusual for someone to ask the question back as he was just being polite. I've been working in a charity shop at a till for about the past year and learned to strike up conversations with people as they come in and out of the store. Its all good for my self-confidence at least. Battling depression is hard, and the "big" problems in my life (such as getting a paid job, moving somewhere less rural etc) aren't easy to solve, but every now and then you get something small that comes along and reminds you your doing alright.
Its starting to become clearer that much of the mental problems I've had are- to a greater or lesser degree- conditioned and not innate qualities or defects of personality. It is something I can change, although its slow because I'm undoing years of inner monologues built up by habit. I'm writing out stuff on paper to try and get an idea of "where" the most sensitive ideas are and where they most need to change, and it is working. I can start to see "holes" and areas where I'm thinking about something in terms that are too absolute to be a reflection of my own experience. I don't watch the Television and have drastically cut down my internet usage since the start of this year and it is paying off. Being in front of a screen limits your experience and your thinking and so you're wiring up your brain to think in very fixed and rigid patterns. Your giving up control of your emotions and thought processes to other people who manufacture those artificial environments. That's true for me, but I'm not sure if it is more universal. Either way, there is a process of emotionally "opening up" going on. Breaking it down in to small chunks and taking small and more manageable steps is slow but seems to be working.
I know there are many people on CF who have depression and anxiety, and are coping with their share of problems, so if you are reading this- look after yourselves, learn to love being alive no matter what happens and good luck to you.
