Well I can already tell this blog wont be so much positive and fuzzy as it raw, sober and just therapeutic.
Eh, today I had a spazzy, kinda melt down. Idk I'm just looking for work and I can barely do that BC I had to pawn my computer so we can stay where we are. My mom came home and gave me a speech about being lazy and how hard she works and I just felt like garbage....im trying...even when I did have a job I didnt get paid well BC I sucked too much to do the job right..i got paid $70 everyb2 weeks while everyone else got $400... And its just alot. Then I hate a crappy argument with my dad and hes just...uhg. -_- he thinka he can just look down on anybody.... And I wasn't having it.
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And Now my friend texts me out of the blue saying she got a car, a job offer paying well and will travel abroad. I'm more than happy for her...but I wonder when will my life change? Am I destined to be the under dog all my life? Is my sole purpose to just watch people soar and achieve their dreams while I struggle to stay alive? Is that why I'm here, Is that why I'm alive? To show the winners of this world that there are losers too?
Anywho, after that...well actually after the argument with my dad I got pretty anxious and had that melt down-- idk if it was just me or God..but that's when I heard, " I'm hear to help you" again and again... Then I thought, then why aren't you helping me..? I need a job, I want my life to change... I'm tired of being in a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ty hotel where I have to brush ant my back at times, I'm tired of dealing with my self centered dad, I'm tired of watching everyone get to be happy but me!..
I'm just tired, I've never been this tired in mu life before...it feels like nothing will change, it did for all my friends and it changed instantly... I just dont want to be the one out of all my friends that stays the same 30+ ....
I honestly never had suicidal thoughts like this before in my life...but if my life doesn't change in not sticking around just to watch people enjoy their life while I'm still brushing ants of my body in a cramped hotel. I'm not, I cant, I wont.... If life wont change...then ill have to make a change...
If I have not gotten my degree, licence, own place by age 30... I'm not sticking around.
Just another rant... Hopefully my day will get better.
Eh, today I had a spazzy, kinda melt down. Idk I'm just looking for work and I can barely do that BC I had to pawn my computer so we can stay where we are. My mom came home and gave me a speech about being lazy and how hard she works and I just felt like garbage....im trying...even when I did have a job I didnt get paid well BC I sucked too much to do the job right..i got paid $70 everyb2 weeks while everyone else got $400... And its just alot. Then I hate a crappy argument with my dad and hes just...uhg. -_- he thinka he can just look down on anybody.... And I wasn't having it.
---------------
And Now my friend texts me out of the blue saying she got a car, a job offer paying well and will travel abroad. I'm more than happy for her...but I wonder when will my life change? Am I destined to be the under dog all my life? Is my sole purpose to just watch people soar and achieve their dreams while I struggle to stay alive? Is that why I'm here, Is that why I'm alive? To show the winners of this world that there are losers too?
Anywho, after that...well actually after the argument with my dad I got pretty anxious and had that melt down-- idk if it was just me or God..but that's when I heard, " I'm hear to help you" again and again... Then I thought, then why aren't you helping me..? I need a job, I want my life to change... I'm tired of being in a [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ty hotel where I have to brush ant my back at times, I'm tired of dealing with my self centered dad, I'm tired of watching everyone get to be happy but me!..
I'm just tired, I've never been this tired in mu life before...it feels like nothing will change, it did for all my friends and it changed instantly... I just dont want to be the one out of all my friends that stays the same 30+ ....
I honestly never had suicidal thoughts like this before in my life...but if my life doesn't change in not sticking around just to watch people enjoy their life while I'm still brushing ants of my body in a cramped hotel. I'm not, I cant, I wont.... If life wont change...then ill have to make a change...
If I have not gotten my degree, licence, own place by age 30... I'm not sticking around.
Just another rant... Hopefully my day will get better.
