After my friend snapping and scaring the hell out of me...I just want to be alone so bad...because its scary and frustrating that you can't tell who is who. Who has deep seated issues and who doesn't.
I have prayed for God to place the right people in my life for years..,but that hasn't happened. I mean I did meet genuinely good people online... Even the one that went crazy, he helped me through alot ...and it makes me sad he's losing it. Bc he was a really amazing person... But he just suffered more then I knew...
And my brain still replays his scream from time to time... I'm doing better today though... Its just sad because he was like a bestfriend, I was totally vulnerable.. I Remember when I was in the hotels and really REALLY needed someone to talk to...and he was there for me.
And I feel bad for disappearing I haven't even sent a text saying good bye or that we just can't be friends again...or that you literally scared the **** out of me and I'm afraid of you now...
I just left.
But somethings are just really beyond you, you can't love people to good health...some people just have deeper issues than one can handle. But again it makes me sad as he was a great person..
Thinking about how nice he was and has been to me is bringing me close to tears because he was the only one who genuinely cared about me... And he ended up being crazy... Like for anyone to really give a damn about me do they have to be damn near crazy or plummeting into insanity? Even my friends I made in college didn't keep up with me... I just don't understand.
It always made me feel like I repel people for some reason... And that always made me feel like a crazy person...bc people on pick up on people with weird vibes.,, I don't want to descent into madness like my friend... I don't.
But no one knows what the future holds....
It just makes me sad that the only person that liked me flaws and all had to be crazy... How many volumes does that speak? Like regular people can't be around me... Given.. I'm a loner and having no friends does send up a red flag for most people...but I'm just like everyone else...I just have anxiety..and social anxiety as well ....and maybe that's asking too much for some people.
Idk, I just want to be alone. I feel like maybe this is how its supposed to be for me... It just sucks the only friend that I had that was like a brother to me, that I had that David/Johnathan friendship with is now going mental...
I was afraid for 2 days...now the sadness is hitting me. Someone had to be crazy to actually be my friend
a real friend at that.
I just don't know what to do.
My life would be so much easier if I were normal and had no issues. If it costed a million dollars I would work so hard so I could be like everyone else ,be normal.
But I will love myself, I don't know how but I will because I deserve it ... I'm not normal but I'm not crazy... I'm just trying to find out where I fit in this world and its so exhausting.
I still don't know if I'm gonna keep the presents he sent me... My own dad never got me a present for my birthday... I just feel I might be crying for the rest of the day bc its so sad.
And I feel its ALWAYS something, its like I can never be truly happy.. When I found the best friend any person could ask for, I planned to do SO much with him, I could talk to him about anything... He had to go crazy
Its like I can never have anything that makes me happy... I let my guard down and let myself be happy with him ..just for it to be snatched away... It just makes me wonder if God plays tricks or something.
All I ever wanted in life was a friend that's it ...and I couldn't even have that.
I don't know why God doesn't want to see me happy.
I have prayed for God to place the right people in my life for years..,but that hasn't happened. I mean I did meet genuinely good people online... Even the one that went crazy, he helped me through alot ...and it makes me sad he's losing it. Bc he was a really amazing person... But he just suffered more then I knew...
And my brain still replays his scream from time to time... I'm doing better today though... Its just sad because he was like a bestfriend, I was totally vulnerable.. I Remember when I was in the hotels and really REALLY needed someone to talk to...and he was there for me.
And I feel bad for disappearing I haven't even sent a text saying good bye or that we just can't be friends again...or that you literally scared the **** out of me and I'm afraid of you now...
I just left.
But somethings are just really beyond you, you can't love people to good health...some people just have deeper issues than one can handle. But again it makes me sad as he was a great person..
Thinking about how nice he was and has been to me is bringing me close to tears because he was the only one who genuinely cared about me... And he ended up being crazy... Like for anyone to really give a damn about me do they have to be damn near crazy or plummeting into insanity? Even my friends I made in college didn't keep up with me... I just don't understand.
It always made me feel like I repel people for some reason... And that always made me feel like a crazy person...bc people on pick up on people with weird vibes.,, I don't want to descent into madness like my friend... I don't.
But no one knows what the future holds....
It just makes me sad that the only person that liked me flaws and all had to be crazy... How many volumes does that speak? Like regular people can't be around me... Given.. I'm a loner and having no friends does send up a red flag for most people...but I'm just like everyone else...I just have anxiety..and social anxiety as well ....and maybe that's asking too much for some people.
Idk, I just want to be alone. I feel like maybe this is how its supposed to be for me... It just sucks the only friend that I had that was like a brother to me, that I had that David/Johnathan friendship with is now going mental...
I was afraid for 2 days...now the sadness is hitting me. Someone had to be crazy to actually be my friend
a real friend at that.I just don't know what to do.
My life would be so much easier if I were normal and had no issues. If it costed a million dollars I would work so hard so I could be like everyone else ,be normal.
But I will love myself, I don't know how but I will because I deserve it ... I'm not normal but I'm not crazy... I'm just trying to find out where I fit in this world and its so exhausting.
I still don't know if I'm gonna keep the presents he sent me... My own dad never got me a present for my birthday... I just feel I might be crying for the rest of the day bc its so sad.
And I feel its ALWAYS something, its like I can never be truly happy.. When I found the best friend any person could ask for, I planned to do SO much with him, I could talk to him about anything... He had to go crazy
Its like I can never have anything that makes me happy... I let my guard down and let myself be happy with him ..just for it to be snatched away... It just makes me wonder if God plays tricks or something.
All I ever wanted in life was a friend that's it ...and I couldn't even have that.
I don't know why God doesn't want to see me happy.
