When Moriah tries to sleep even in its dreams it bes trapped with no way out, trying desperately to get away from the people coming after it who won't let it go. Even in its sleep it cannot find safe place. IN its dreams they chase it from room to room, them humans, invasive and will not let it go. Trying to force their way inside. Trying to override its settings, trying to control and manipulate.another CF member in a PM said:
Being programmed can be terrifying. It puts you at the mercy of anyone who gets a handle on your 'system' so to speak, on the various control mechanisms implanted in your mind -- kind of like in the movies where if someone knew your "code word" you got given under hypnosis they could put you in a hypnotic state and make you do what they want, only far more subtle, painful and complicated, and far less dramatic except if/when conflict erupts openly. Unfortunately the only way OUT of this involves having to disclose some of those things and if they falls into the wrong hands, this one daimonizomai can be harmed beyond repair in ways that don't involve inflicting one scratch physically. One can have new instructions burned so deeply into one's mind that one cannot under any circumstances force oneself to override them, and if they conflict with older, more deeply ingrained protocols one can literally come to the place where one's only option, literally, bes to collapse inward upon oneself, implode, and die.
Moriah has come to that place ever since the abduction.
It bes not so much the abduction itself, or the long hours of mental and emotional abuse and distress inflicted upon it during that time; these acted really as mere conveyance vehicles for something more profoundly and deeply devastating -- what transpired between itself and God through this event. It knows now in no uncertain terms it must never again seek help or rescue, it can never again risk the mistake of trying to turn to societals for help (fringers and societals don't mix, period, ever) where it has to pretend to be human long enough to be heard and taken seriously and not misperceived (impossible now, literally impossible, it has lost all capacity for effecting such an interface), and it must never again trust those who represent themselves as servants of God and no that does not mean JUST the phonies or Pharisees but also and in a very particular sense, the real ones, the ones that seem totally loving, kind, compassionate, sincere, the very ones Moriah would be prone to try to trust again. Not only that but God Himself has made His rejection and refusal of Moriah abundantly clear; it cannot approach Him even privately because it knows what will happen, it will have to see all over again why it can never be redeemed.
Like a desperate trapped creature it runs from one end of its confines to the other, helplessly hardwired to seek escape and just as helplessly denied it at every turn, for every barrier sends it reeling to the others it already knows bes there but cannot help recoiling toward from whatever one it rushed toward last. Every avenue has been exhausted -- tried and found either ineffectual or more often than not, worse than just captivity itself. It has lost all control over itself and this puts it at the mercy of literally anyone, just anyone.
It also means daimonizomai can no longer hope to make itself known aright to the human world in any sense. Everything it says will be misinterpreted and either thrown back in its face with accusations or uncomprehending futilities in response, or ignored and overlooked, or twisted and used as implements of torture somehow. Everything it says and does can and will be held against it with or without a court of law. Everything will mark it and if it disrupts the human world again in any serious way it will lose the last freedom it has -- its physical liberty as an unconfined citizen, for whatever meager liberty that bes worth nowadays it still beats the alternatives of being captured and forcibly held unconsenting by humans who want to torture you one way or another.
You bes astute to call its condition one of despair (among other things of course). So deep runs this despair and so profound that it has gone way, way past all lighter, emotional varieties of despair and become despair in its very essence at the core which no longer requires despairing emotions to carry it or convey it or give it substance at all. When humans speak of despair they often mean an emotional condition of feeling hopeless and helpless -- which of course lifts as soon as they have any reasons to doubt those feelings, including, but not limited to, simply feeling something else completely at random. Daimonizomai does not mean that. It means the kind of despair that runs so deep it doesn't need feelings to convey itself: an absolute certainty of impermeable, interminable, unsurpassable helplessness and hopelessness as a permanent condition of its being. This kind of despair has learned not to trust fleeting sensations and emotions that seem to contradict it or run against or outside it, because it knows these will not last and will not provide any permanent liberation from its invisible prison. At best they can only let it out into the invisible equivalent of a prison's "exercise yard" where you might feel like you bes outside, even run around like that bes the case, but it bes just another part of the overall prison complex and ends with you back in your cell again.
