It's the weekend! which means that J will be coming over in a matter of about half an hour. That is happy, I think... I don't know what we will do today, other than the homework that Pastor Paul assigned us at our first premarital counseling session. Watching 2 more movies by Gary Smalley (I...
I miss the old chatbox days with Leslie, Wes, Jeff, Casey, Martin, and Katty. I just peeked in on the cb and it's changed a lot since the last time I chatted... the people are all different, and now I am the outsider instead of them, because I don't chat much anymore at all.
Sad how time...
I am utterly exhausted. I blame the Zoloft and the Neurontin, which I just started - 400mg. It (Neurontin) has helped a lot with the panic attacks I've been having... that plus Ativan seems to be doing what they're meant to do. Thankfully.
I saw my N yesterday. Lost 3lbs of fat, gained...
I don't want to do this anymore. I don't. I'm tired of the hold that cutting has over my life. It's getting easier to go further and further now, towards the end of the spectrum where stitches are a necessity. Last night I came close to having to go to the ER; the cut didn't stop bleeding...
Life is not easy. Hasn't been easy. Won't ever be easy.
I wish that I could just hide until things get better.
I hate myself so so much, for so many reasons.
I don't want to live anymore, although I'm not actively suicidal. I only am living for the next time I can cut. That is what my life...
I am exhausted.
There has been a lot of problems between Jarrod and me as of the past few days. I won't go into detail, but it's been enough to make me turn back to cutting.
I've been toying off and on with SI since February (well, I never really stopped, but it's gotten more frequent), but...
Argh!! I hate struggling, fighting, stumbling, pushing uphill through brambles!...
I hate eating disorders. Hate them.
I think I will have met my meal plan today, but yesterday was a mess. Struggle struggle struggle! It's so hard knowing that I haven't eaten enough and need to eat more...
Today has been an exhausting day. I woke up anxious and tense from a night full of bad dreams, the last one of which was extremely upsetting. After I had been up for a little while, talking with Jarrod and giving him a backrub, he realised that "something was off" and went and threw up in the...
I'm scared of relapsing. That fear is always with me, because I know how unstable I can be. I'm not suicidal right now, but I know that I could go on a months-long downswing again, just like I have this past spring - anytime. Or the opposite - hypomania. Now that would be horrible... because...
I'm back...
...I was hospitalized for 10 days, just got back last night. I'm feeling a lot better, a lot more "like myself," the myself that I haven't seen in a long time. Except freaking exhausted. I went to bed last night at 7:30pm and got up just before 7 this morning, and want to go to...
I am not ready for the struggles ahead. I am not prepared. I am weak and am unsure of where I stand in recovery. I don't know what I am doing.
Do I want to live or do I want to die? My T challenged me today - what is it going to take, April, to make you want to live?
The answer is... I...
I went looking for a rubber band today, and found one. It now is around my wrist in case I need it.
I am stopping SI.
It's still not for me. It's for Jarrod.
And I don't know if it will be successful.
Four years, and I haven't stopped for any longer than a few months. I think July to...
Sometimes I just want to sit down and write. I don't know about what, exactly... I just want to. Writing relaxes me, usually, and that's why I have so many blogs/journals - to keep up with different people, and also to act as releases for me whenever I need them. My LJ is more personal, my...
I'm on 12.5mg Zoloft right now, right? Well, my NP just called (replying to a phone call of mine), and told me to increase it. Double it. So up I go to 25mg.
SSRIs don't agree with me. :cry: Prozac and Lexapro both landed me in hos... and I don't want this one to do the same. I don't want...
I feel like an idiot.
Why can't wedding planning be simpler? MUCH simpler??
I needed to fix some stuff for the wedding scheduling, so I emailed our pastor about it. However, he doesn't do the planning etc., which I forgot - I have to "utilize" the wedding coordinator. So I tried calling...
It's been a long day.
Tutoring this afternoon. No one came - no one's come at all yet so far. Oh well. Easy money, no? :) I got a lot of reading done, as well as some journalling (now and in the days ahead I will have much to journal about). Yesterday I entertained myself by drawing a cat...
Feels like I will never win this battle. (Do I really want to?)
Tonight is a triggered night. Very bad. I miss cutting... I miss it so d**n much. My whole body is buzzing, waiting for the pain to come and take the energy and stress away. And it would, too. Except I would feel horrible...
Well, I saw my NP. She really is fantastic... am so glad that I have her as my psych (and yes, I do call her a psych sometimes, even though technically she is just an NP). I'm on Zoloft now, 12.5mg... another SSRI but at a quarter of the lowest theraputic dosage... so it shouldn't do anything...
I am not having a good night.
Today I went "shopping." Got a pair of nail scissors and some clear waterproof bandaids, the kind that are hard to spot.
Why? Why? Why am I back here, again and again? Why won't it just go away, why don't I have the sense to just let it go and die on its...
Seems like I am always running from the professionals. Ugh. No hospital, hex, stay away!!
I have my T appointment this morning, and I have to... erm, withhold some thoughts from her. Yeah, that's the right word. Withhold. *bright smile*
I've withheld things in the past. In fact, I...