therapy

[urbanfaerie]

hate to b a bother to anyone again, but i go back to therapy on wednesday.. and i'm scared..

i havent seen a T, for like two years. the last time i was hospitalized, my therapist pretty much told me, there was no hope for me. i would die in my own hands, and there was nothing she could do to help.

in her defense, she was prolly right. i don't think it was reverse psychology or anything. i was a pain. i refused meds and refused to eat, and everytime they strip searched myroom, i had new blades. i even remember trying to hang myself, nearly succeeding.. heh..

the reason for all this is simple. therapy has always been triggering for me. when ppl give me attention for my negative actions, i feed on it, and feel the only way to get attention of any kind is to do those type of drastic things..
i've always felt this to be true. thats why i asked to be banned a month ago. this place can even get triggering for me. which is why i've backed away from PM's, and stuff.

because deep down, i actually do wanna get better. i just am afraid i'll lose wht i have if i do..

and also..i dunno how to open up.. to ppl face to face. i have a book of poems, i was thinking i could let my T see. but she would still make me talk.. and when i do that..i get a lump in my throat.. and i'm not allowed to cry. especially in front of ppl.

i dunno what i'm trying to say.. i just don't want this time, to be another waste. and i dont wanna get worse b4 i get better. any suggestions on how to have a open relationship w/ a T?

it'd be much appreciated. i don't wanna re live past mistakes..

 

[Iddie4him]

hate to b a bother to anyone again, but i go back to therapy on wednesday.. and i'm scared..

i havent seen a T, for like two years. the last time i was hospitalized, my therapist pretty much told me, there was no hope for me. i would die in my own hands, and there was nothing she could do to help.

in her defense, she was prolly right. i don't think it was reverse psychology or anything. i was a pain. i refused meds and refused to eat, and everytime they strip searched myroom, i had new blades. i even remember trying to hang myself, nearly succeeding.. heh..

the reason for all this is simple. therapy has always been triggering for me. when ppl give me attention for my negative actions, i feed on it, and feel the only way to get attention of any kind is to do those type of drastic things..
i've always felt this to be true. thats why i asked to be banned a month ago. this place can even get triggering for me. which is why i've backed away from PM's, and stuff.

because deep down, i actually do wanna get better. i just am afraid i'll lose wht i have if i do..

and also..i dunno how to open up.. to ppl face to face. i have a book of poems, i was thinking i could let my T see. but she would still make me talk.. and when i do that..i get a lump in my throat.. and i'm not allowed to cry. especially in front of ppl.

i dunno what i'm trying to say.. i just don't want this time, to be another waste. and i dont wanna get worse b4 i get better. any suggestions on how to have a open relationship w/ a T?

it'd be much appreciated. i don't wanna re live past mistakes..

Thats wonderful !!!!!! I hope you have success in therapy and really would like to hear from you on a regular basis and see how you are coming along. This really makes me happy for you, cause I have been so concerned about you for so long now. Do your best to work with the therapist and PLEASE take your meds as prescribed, PLEASE ? I really do care and would like to see you doing better and I will be praying for you. God Bless you and do what the therapy people ask....Things will get better. As far as an open relationship with your therapist, Just tell em the truth about whats bothering you and if you feel like hurting yourself, Please call someone that can be a source of support for you.

 

[James Sez]

i just am afraid i'll lose wht i have if i do..

Could you clarify for me what it is that you are afraid you are going to lose? I could not catch that from your post.

 

[urbanfaerie]

i will try..thank you. the thing is i hate meds. i take so many.. sometimes i wonder how'di be if i didn't hafta take any.. sometimes i wonder if the meds make me worse.. hate to depend on meds. it sux.

Could you clarify for me what it is that you are afraid you are going to lose? I could not catch that from your post.

i just meant, that if i became normal or close to it... i would be invisible. seems that ppl only like u if ur sick... if i'm not sick, who am i?
its just my experience..

 

[Iddie4him]

i will try..thank you. the thing is i hate meds. i take so many.. sometimes i wonder how'di be if i didn't hafta take any.. sometimes i wonder if the meds make me worse.. hate to depend on meds. it sux.

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i just meant, that if i became normal or close to it... i would be invisible. seems that ppl only like u if ur sick... if i'm not sick, who am i?
its just my experience..

You know something, I take 3 different meds on a daily basis to function in daily life and I am doing just fine. You can do it too.....Sometimes it takes being on meds to straighten out all the twists and turns in our way. I have faith in you, I know that you can do what you need to to return to a relatively normal life. God will help you if you just ask him to. I'm behind you 100%, Go for it and have a Happy Holiday !!

 

[wvmtnkid]

I think I know what you mean by losing what you have if you go through therapy. So much of who you see yourself as now is defined by your illness and if that illness isn't there anymore, than who are you? Is that sorta it in a nutshell? But, on the other had, think of what you can gain if the illness isn't there! You are a person, urbanfaerie. With so much to give others. I have just seen it this morning as I read some of your responses to others in this very forum. You don't have to depend on your illness to give you self worth. You don't need it to get attention, as you may think you do. You have self worth in that you are a living, breathing creation with a big heart that shines through no matter how hard you try to hide it sometimes.

And advice on how to have an open relationship with a therapist. Well, it is something that you have to realize will not be easy. Some times things have to get tough before they get better. What you need to keep reminding yourself is that this person is there to help you and that you need to help them help you by being honest and open with them. It will be hard some days to talk about stuff you would probably rather forget. But not dealing with these things over the years has not helped, and maybe the path to getting better is going to have to be facing your fears head on. But you won't be alone. I just bet this time you are going to have some prayer support from the folks here. We can't do this for you, but we can offer prayer and support for you as you go through this. There are people here that care for you and want to see you well. We are behind you 1000%!!!

 

[pmarquette]

submit to doctors for a season -- what if ?
confess healing scriptures [ Isaiah 53.3 ; Matthew 8.17 ; 1 Peter 2.24 ; Psalm 103 ]
and invoke your " specialist " who is on the job 24/7/365 ....

believe what should be -- at some time , God will step in , this will be turned around,
to the good ( genesis 50.20 / Romans 4.17 )

work like it depends on you , pray like it depends on Him ;
find some one ( if is group therapy ) and sow positive words to / for them
as you give , so also will you reap -- Luke 6.38 , Galatians 6.7

dare to believe , dare to hope ... Hebrews 11.1 , 6

 

[urbanfaerie]

thx 4 the encouragemnt.. bt man.. i wish i hadn't gone.

now i'm stuck seeing her twice week
and were off to a *really* bad start.

but aol is kickin my a.rse...so ventaroo aint gonna b happening.

*screams*


i hope ur happy cole...cuz i sure the hell am not.

 

[desi]

Urbanfaerie you said you might be doing it for the attention it brings. Is there anything else you could do for attention in a positive way instead?

 

[watt]

its will be worse before it is better, but that is no reason to give up. ask yourself, "What is good for me?"

 

[wblastyn]

i will try..thank you. the thing is i hate meds. i take so many.. sometimes i wonder how'di be if i didn't hafta take any.. sometimes i wonder if the meds make me worse.. hate to depend on meds. it sux.

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i just meant, that if i became normal or close to it... i would be invisible. seems that ppl only like u if ur sick... if i'm not sick, who am i?
its just my experience..

I feel the same way! I have depression and Social Anxiety and I've become so used to being "the quiet one" I'm afraid I'll lose my identity if I become "normal". It's almost as if the SA and depression makes me feel unique, like I'm watching myself on a TV show and I'm a character with these secret problems that no one else knows about (apart from my parents, close family and doctor, etc). Maybe I just want sympathy or something? But if I crave sympathy isn't that still a sign of a problem?

 

[seebs]

i just meant, that if i became normal or close to it... i would be invisible. seems that ppl only like u if ur sick... if i'm not sick, who am i?

A hard question indeed. I know people who have never found an answer to that question.

In the end, the only way to answer that question is to find out. Get better, and find out who you are, and what people see in you. God will still love you, at least, and His opinion is probably the most important. You may find that therapists and doctors pay less attention to you, but that's not always a bad thing; other people may come to spend more time with you.

I know some people who are desperate enough for attention that they will do anything to get it. I know that many people who would otherwise spend time with them don't, for fear of manufactured drama. It can take a while to throw off that reputation, but it's worth it.

 

[James Sez]

You know faerie, If you did not want to get better, you would not post so much and be so open about your feelings. I see hope in your posts, even the really down ones-I really do. I'm so glad you are here with us-seriously! I'm also glad that many have responded to you with more then just simple answers. Like Seebs says, you ask hard questions. I think you can see that we really do care about your mental state and journey toward wholeness.

James

 

[urbanfaerie]

But if I crave sympathy isn't that still a sign of a problem?

glad to know i'm no alone in this..maybe we were just neglected to much as a child, and in our adulthood its come back to haunt us.. *shrugs* but yea i do believe theres an underlying reason for it, that does need attention b4 it progresses to something more...

i had too much caffiene to make any sense. heh..

anyway..i always thought i was a hopeless case, like i been told so many times b4. i've kinda embedded that thinking in my head. its nice to hear, that i am making progress. sometimes i wonder..

well b4 i babble and reveal too much more ..heh (sorry ya'lll i do have a tendecy to be a lil to open online..cuz its been really my only outlet.) i will quietly leave this thread and make a vow to not make anymore. but i've really appreciated the help. thanx again

 

[wblastyn]

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glad to know i'm no alone in this..maybe we were just neglected to much as a child, and in our adulthood its come back to haunt us.. *shrugs* but yea i do believe theres an underlying reason for it, that does need attention b4 it progresses to something more...

Well I wasn't neglected, but I've been dealing with my depression and SA on my own for a long time and never got any help from anyone (because they did not know about it). Maybe that is the problem?

anyway..i always thought i was a hopeless case, like i been told so many times b4. i've kinda embedded that thinking in my head. its nice to hear, that i am making progress. sometimes i wonder..

Well I think it's good that you're going back to therapy

well b4 i babble and reveal too much more ..heh (sorry ya'lll i do have a tendecy to be a lil to open online..cuz its been really my only outlet.) i will quietly leave this thread and make a vow to not make anymore. but i've really appreciated the help. thanx again

Don't stop posting, I always enjoy reading your threads!

 

[FoundInGrace]

I too hate therapists! It feels like you have to give yourself away to them, your deepest thoughts and sometimes I wonder if thats wise anyway. It involves so much trust. Maybe just give a little away to your therapist, doesn't have to be everything, just stuff you feel won't be too intrusive at first until you know you can trust them with something little? Like how you feel about medication maybe, start with that.
The therapist is there to help you, so its up to you what you talk to them about.

Maybe this sounds way too hard but if possible plan your own recovery as much as possible and its okay to go really really slow.
You're doing so well to be going to a therapist again!!! Thats progress in itself!! I'm impressed.
Sorry if this post sounds like recovery is easy, it so isn't , I get that, I don't know what your feelings about God are but I love the idea that we're rock climbing He's holding the rope, we slip all the time sometimes falling a lot, sometimes a little but He always has hold of the rope, so sometimes we can rest on the end of it and sometimes we climb. But all the time He's holding onto the rope.
He won't let you go, hang in there..

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Urban, part of it is you're in college. I really feel for anyone going through that time-it is awful. So many adjustments and transitions to make in such a short period of time.

But maybe getting to know yourself, what you like to do and finding fulfillment in that as a basis will help. Maybe using your talents for the Kingdom of God-there is a lot of reward in that, and you get approbation from the place where it most counts: the throne of the Most High God.

Actually, the friendships you'll have will be better, too; more olid because they';re base on common interests. But I agree that learning how to trust, slowly and gradually, will help a lot in this area. Because then you can relate to people on a deep level.

But look! You're talking about it, and you're making a lot of progress! I think that's awesome!!! Maybe you should treat yourself to a movie or dinner out, just to celebrate your progress. I know I'm not the only one who is very proud of you.

This book will help a lot in developing good relationships, It is called Safe People, by Cloud & Townsend:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/t...002-0093291-5592022?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

Blessings,
Whitehorse

 

[aanjt]

hate to b a bother to anyone again, but i go back to therapy on wednesday.. and i'm scared..

i havent seen a T, for like two years. the last time i was hospitalized, my therapist pretty much told me, there was no hope for me. i would die in my own hands, and there was nothing she could do to help.


because deep down, i actually do wanna get better. i just am afraid i'll lose wht i have if i do..

and also..i dunno how to open up.. to ppl face to face. i have a book of poems, i was thinking i could let my T see. but she would still make me talk.. and when i do that..i get a lump in my throat.. and i'm not allowed to cry. especially in front of ppl.

i dunno what i'm trying to say.. i just don't want this time, to be another waste. and i dont wanna get worse b4 i get better. any suggestions on how to have a open relationship w/ a T?

it'd be much appreciated. i don't wanna re live past mistakes..

First off, the previous therapist was flat out wrong for what she told you. Heck, out of spite, prove her wrong Seriously, though, a professional therapist has no right to tell a patient that there is no hope for him/her. That comment in itself can push someone over the edge.

Why aren't you allowed to cry in front of people? Is it that you are afraid to or that you have been taught that growing up?

One thing that my therapist did for me was that she gave me "homework". I brought it back completed each week. This helped with things when I could not express what I needed to. What you could also do is journal. That way, when you go in, if there is something that you need to talk about, you can open up your journal where you jotted it down.

Yours in Christ,
Jen