hate to b a bother to anyone again, but i go back to therapy on wednesday.. and i'm scared..
i havent seen a T, for like two years. the last time i was hospitalized, my therapist pretty much told me, there was no hope for me. i would die in my own hands, and there was nothing she could do to help.
in her defense, she was prolly right. i don't think it was reverse psychology or anything. i was a pain. i refused meds and refused to eat, and everytime they strip searched myroom, i had new blades. i even remember trying to hang myself, nearly succeeding.. heh..
the reason for all this is simple. therapy has always been triggering for me. when ppl give me attention for my negative actions, i feed on it, and feel the only way to get attention of any kind is to do those type of drastic things..
i've always felt this to be true. thats why i asked to be banned a month ago. this place can even get triggering for me. which is why i've backed away from PM's, and stuff.
because deep down, i actually do wanna get better. i just am afraid i'll lose wht i have if i do..
and also..i dunno how to open up.. to ppl face to face. i have a book of poems, i was thinking i could let my T see. but she would still make me talk.. and when i do that..i get a lump in my throat.. and i'm not allowed to cry. especially in front of ppl.
i dunno what i'm trying to say.. i just don't want this time, to be another waste. and i dont wanna get worse b4 i get better. any suggestions on how to have a open relationship w/ a T?
it'd be much appreciated. i don't wanna re live past mistakes..
i havent seen a T, for like two years. the last time i was hospitalized, my therapist pretty much told me, there was no hope for me. i would die in my own hands, and there was nothing she could do to help.
in her defense, she was prolly right. i don't think it was reverse psychology or anything. i was a pain. i refused meds and refused to eat, and everytime they strip searched myroom, i had new blades. i even remember trying to hang myself, nearly succeeding.. heh..
the reason for all this is simple. therapy has always been triggering for me. when ppl give me attention for my negative actions, i feed on it, and feel the only way to get attention of any kind is to do those type of drastic things..
i've always felt this to be true. thats why i asked to be banned a month ago. this place can even get triggering for me. which is why i've backed away from PM's, and stuff.
because deep down, i actually do wanna get better. i just am afraid i'll lose wht i have if i do..
and also..i dunno how to open up.. to ppl face to face. i have a book of poems, i was thinking i could let my T see. but she would still make me talk.. and when i do that..i get a lump in my throat.. and i'm not allowed to cry. especially in front of ppl.
i dunno what i'm trying to say.. i just don't want this time, to be another waste. and i dont wanna get worse b4 i get better. any suggestions on how to have a open relationship w/ a T?
it'd be much appreciated. i don't wanna re live past mistakes..