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Pain Inflicted: Virgin dating Non-Virgin

Discussion in 'Courting Couples' started by topgunbar0, Sep 21, 2010.

  1. topgunbar0

    topgunbar0 Newbie

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    I'm a guy in college, age 21, and recently started dating a girl about 7 months ago. I had been with a hs girlfriend for 3 years and we both were waiting til marriage. I broke up with her, because I felt she wasn't the one for me in the end. However, we fooled around, and just because we didn't have sexual intercourse doesn't mean we're pure.

    However, the girl I've been dating had sex at 18 with her bf of 7 months. She dated other guys after him, they dated for 2 years and she had sex with another guy who she only dated for 6 months. Neither of those occurrences bother me, because she was in a committed relationship and I would have seen myself falling to temptation as well.

    She's been cheated on in everyone of her relationships. And recently, I found out she had sex with a 3rd guy over spring break. The guy gave her attention from the first day and on the second to last day, he asked her to go upstairs, since she was "very drunk", she said yes. He asked if they could have sex and she kept saying no, but she eventually said yes. She said she cried all day the next day and the guy didn't give her any attention at all the next day.

    Apparently I know of the guy which makes this last instance VERY painful for me. My friend from high school is his fraternity brother and he knows all about it.

    Later, I had sex with this girl (my now girlfriend) when we were drunk and now regret losing my virginity.

    I was having trouble with the whole thing and got drunk and kissed another girl apparently which I don't remember. I told her as soon as I found out and now we're both in pain.

    We've given up alcohol and sex since the incident and are trying to reunite our lives with Christ, but the pain is still there.

    Do we continue to try and build our relationship or is her past and my recent mistake too much to get past?
     
  2. The Nihilist

    The Nihilist Contributor

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    Ugh. Apologize and move on. Everyone makes mistakes.
     
  3. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

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    I don't know what the results are going to be or what it's going to look like, but I would say give rebuilding the relationship a shot. You do care for her, right? You could either be just another guy who screwed and ditched her, or you could be something more than that. As for whether it's too much to get past, only you two can make the call on that.
     
  4. Vico

    Vico Junior Member

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    ah the scares of sin.

    Galatians 6:7 Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.
     
  5. yourstrulyjulie

    yourstrulyjulie Member

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    not very positive outlook...

    how about “Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord.” (Acts 3:19)
     
  6. Vico

    Vico Junior Member

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    Helpful verse.
     
  7. Luther073082

    Luther073082 κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον

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    I don't see how your mistake in haveing sex should mean the end of your relationship.

    It should mean that you should repent, lay down some stronger boundries and work a lot harder on this then you both have been. But it shouldn't mean you should break up.

    Also I want to point out that it was also a sin to get drunk and it likely caused the other sin. Do yourself a favor, and limit how much you drink. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a small amount of alcohol. But drunkeness is unacceptable and will cause you more problems in the future if you keep it up. So stop the drunkeness.

    I've never been drunk. . . This is because whenever I do drink I only have one drink and thats it.

    I am concerned about her habit of cheating on people in relationships. She may have some extensive problems that she needs to confront.

    I don't buy the "once a cheater always a cheater" line that so many people put out there. Nor do I think that she is beyond changing her ways. But when a sin becomes a habit it is more likely to happen again. (And some sins do become habits) And by all evidence cheating for her is a habit.
     
  8. topgunbar0

    topgunbar0 Newbie

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    She doesn't cheat, she's always been the one cheated on.

    And we agreed to never drink to get drunk and stop after our limit.

    It's just painful and she's a wonderful person and I love her, it's just hard to get passed that one guy taking advantage of her.
     
  9. The Nihilist

    The Nihilist Contributor

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    How old are you?
     
  10. BranwenUerchLlyr

    BranwenUerchLlyr Veteran

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    Doesn't sound like alcohol or sex is the problem to me. Plenty of people conduct themselves with self-respect and dignity while engaging in both moderately and safely. The problem in your case is a lack of self-respect and dignity.

    By all means, refrain from these things if you're having problems with them. But know that its only a temporary solution if you don't correct the underlying problem in the first place. It will continue to creep up into your lives and more mistakes will be made.
     
  11. topgunbar0

    topgunbar0 Newbie

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  12. Windmill

    Windmill Legend Supporter

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    I don't see any logical reason that you should be upset that she's had sex with other people. I mean I "get" it but then I don't, at the same time. You have no reason to be upset over it. They are in her past. You need to move on mate.
     
  13. topgunbar0

    topgunbar0 Newbie

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    We've moved a long way since this has posted, I've prayed about it and she's been so supportive.

    It's something that I personally needed to work on with God, not with her. I needed him to show me how to love the right way and how to continue to forgive. It's between God and me, and she doesn't deserve it, but she's enduring because she truly loves me. She is a better person than me.

    I know it's still going to be tough, but it's already gotten a lot easier. I understand the situation much better.

    I still think it's kind of icky though, well the one night stand. Hoping I can get that out of my mind, but it doesn't bug me nearly as much. I know it's the wrong way to look at it, and I'm still working on it.

    This brokeness on both our parts has brought us closer to God and I pray that everyone continues to pray for us as our relationship gets stronger and we don't stray from God.
     
  14. Orahh

    Orahh Newbie

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    I strongly encourage you to get your relationship with God staright before you get into a relationship with this girl, for your sake, her sake and for God.
     
  15. topgunbar0

    topgunbar0 Newbie

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    I'm currently taking your advice. We both needed to get our relationship with God straight before we got into a relationship with one another.

    And he's shown me so much, how much of a sinner I was, and how judgmental I was of her because of her past and her recent fall on spring break.

    I've forgiven her because God has, I don't judge her for what she's done and I do love her, but I've asked God to test me to make sure I'm doing this for him and not her. I've let go of my anger and bitterness.

    I think he is now, cause I'm questioning whether I could ever get back with this girl. She, like me, has done a full 180, we're into God's word, and we still talk weekly. She will be an amazing loving God-following wife, I know that.

    I hold no anger towards her and understand how it could happen, but I feel like I'm so close to all that happened, I knew the guy indirectly with who she had sex with on spring break, and I know two guys well who she's made out with. I know the prurient details, and it's painful.

    I hold no judgement against her for that, I've fallen to sin as well, and she has fully repented of her sins and she knows we can't be getting back together either, at least not now.

    She's not holding on to me, and I'm not her. I know if God wants us to be together, he will bring me peace towards everything, and if he doesn't he will help our feelings for one another turn into another form of love, of caring, brotherly/sisterly love.

    And all through it, he is instilling patience. I want it all to end now, but I have to give it time. He's showing me that.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2010
  16. topgunbar0

    topgunbar0 Newbie

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    I've realized I have to let her go completely and I'm so saddened by it. I've just relapsed so much in my spiritual and emotional maturity over the past year, like a 180, and I need to give up on the idea of us and focus on the relationship of God and me.

    I'm so sad.
     
  17. The Nihilist

    The Nihilist Contributor

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    What does your saviour say? If your hand is your trouble, cut it off. Better to enter the Kingdom of Heaven maimed than to be thrown whole into the fires of gehenna. If it's not this girl, it'll be another; do the right thing.
     
  18. topgunbar0

    topgunbar0 Newbie

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    I've been praying about it, and I've struggled with her past still at times when I dwell on it.

    I've been shown I'm not emotionally mature or spiritually mature enough to handle a relationship based around God right now. I want to give myself to God for a year or two before I consider starting a relationship right now.

    I've also been shown I don't want to be that guy who doesn't support her throughout her entire life. I want to love her unconditionally and I want to be there to support her, comfort her because of what she's been through, but at times I'm still self-seeking, selfish, wanting a virgin or someone with a similar background. I struggle, and I can't give her that yet.

    I'm graduating this year and been given two job offers. One I can take and stay in the relationship, another would take me far away and I would be traveling and couldn't focus on a relationship.

    I want to be that guy for her, because I'm afraid she may not get it from someone else in life. But I still have so much maturing to do in God. I still love myself more than God, and I still am not ready to give up my own needs for hers.

    How is it fair to her that I put her through that when I'm not spiritually mature enough for a relationship?

    I want to get to that point where I don't ever care about her past and I completely forgive her and don't become selfish or prideful, but I'm not there, and I need to get there through God.

    I've also been leaning towards the job that takes me further away from her, I have to make a decision in two weeks.

    At 21, and my fall from God over the last year has severely hindered my maturing and ability to look at a relationship which is considering marriage even though I was and still am with this girl.

    I don't know whether I should cut off all contact or stay friends. I won't be able to get over her if I stay in contact with her like I have been; however.
     
  19. The Nihilist

    The Nihilist Contributor

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    No. I meant that if it's not this girl who's your stumbling block, it'll be another. You should consider what Origen, the early church father, did to deal with his lust.
     
  20. The Nihilist

    The Nihilist Contributor

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    I beg your pardon. I was being flippant. Do not actually castrate yourself.

    Here's what I meant to say: Stop talking and don't do anything nuts. If you're waiting for your spititual life to get in order before you think about getting into something serious, if you're waiting to be perfect, then you're going to die alone.
    Don't try to love her or anyone unconditionally. Some people are terrible, and if you truly try to be selfless, you can pretty easily wind up bitter and divorced at 35 with a few kids in the middle.
    Here's a secret: no one is ever mature. But if you're serious, if you want to be serious, about God or whatever, then find a girl who wants that. If that's this girl, keep her. If it's not, find a new one. Live together, grow together, pray together. You'll keep each other evened out and away from extremes. Attached men never convince themselves to lop off their junk.
     
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